This was a difficult and challenging thing for me to write. if you had asked me to write something like this nine or ten years ago, before all my problems began, I probably would have sat there for a little while with a pen in my mouth, biting in contemplative thought, before beginning to scribble something out, perehaps somewhat sheepishly if anything, but certainly not..reluctantly. Quite a contrast to the girl who sat in front of her laptop this morning, staring at the blank page on the screen, fingers resting motionless on the keypad.
It was true, I was very reluctant to write anything because well, I thought initially, I don't like anything about myself, in fact I hate myself. So what's the point of doing something like this. Maybe I should just skip this question...
But then I suddenly realised...
that was ED talking, not me.
Look deep inside yourself, like I did this morning...take a long, hard look, and see yourself for the person you really are. No single person on this planet is the same. Every single one of us in special and unique, in hundreds of thousands of different ways.
And recognising those differences and valuing them, does not, in any way, make you selfish or vain. You have to realise that to have healthy relationships with anyone else in your life....you have to have a healthy relationship with YOURSELF too!!!
You could probably think of a hundred different positive things about your best friend, your sister, your boyfriend, your cat. So why not...yourself? Why should you treat yourself any differently?
This is something which I am trying to teach myself, too, and which I know I must work on. because I know that recovery will be made all the more tougher, if I don;t build on my self-esteem and recognise that, no, in fact, I am not worhtless or useless or pathetic or stupid. I have been sick for nine years and I'm only just beginning to try and find my feet in life. And yes, I know, I am not a bad person. I've made countless mistakes and messed up on things hundreds of times. But does this make me a bad person? No, it does not...and I want you all to realise that, too. Making mistakes is part of being human.
Anyway, after much deliberation, I finally got round to writing down three things that I like about myself.
2. My hair. I've always had very long, thick, fair hair ever since I was a little girl. I was very lucky in that even when my eating disorder was at its worst, my hair did not suffer. And now that I am much healthier than I once was, I have actually come to like my long, dark blonde locks with the fair streaks of gold in it (people have asked me if they are highlights but I always have to assure them that no, it's all natural!!). It's very thick and a pain to manage sometimes but...I don't think I would change it for the world. Until I start going grey, of course!! :p
Mammy did plaits in my hair yesterday and when I took them out today my hair was alll curly!!! :D
3. My friendly, open nature. I love talking and listening to people. Even though in my head, I have always considered myself a shy, awkward and quiet girl, over the past few months, it is almost like I have started to discover the real me. Because it's true to say, I am definitely a people person. I hate seeing anyone out on their own, and I always make a conscious effort to stay in touch with those who I care about. I don't judge people for their mistakes, their flaws. Rather, I accept them and see beyond them, to the person, the individual underneath. Noone is perfect...rather, it is all these little imperfections and flaws, all these unique traits and distinctive characteristics..they are all what makes us HUMAN. You are beautiful inside and out...don't ever forget it <3
Your hair is beautiful!! I'm so jealous! I've been growing mine for years and it's still barely past my shoulders!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how hard it can be to find things you like about yourself. And it's so true what you write! I can think of a hundred wonderful things about everyone else in my life, but not about myself.
And to add to your list: you are incredibly STRONG, you're a warrior, you are very giving (spending all this time writing your blog to help others!), you are an awesome writer, you are obviously very loved by a wonderful family and you have touched so many people's lives <3
Keep fighting!
-N xx
Thank you so so much hun <3 I hope you are able to do this too hun because I remember you telling me about your low self-esteem and I want you to realise hun that you too are such a lovely and special person who I feel so lucky to have exchanged stories with and to have gotten to know through our emails!
DeleteHope you are well hun! (and hun I meant to ask you, did you get the email I sent you a good while ago?)
Love, Emmy xxxxx
Aww Em I'm so glad that you wrote this blog post :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with all three of them. You are a lovely girl with one of the biggest and brightest smiles I've ever come across. Everyone loved you in IP because you were always so bubbly and friendly to everyone. I love your hair as well :) Never ever dye it because the colour is stunning hun xx
And as for your final point, the last thing I would consider you to be was awkward or shy :) You were one of the first people to talk to me in EDP and you were always willing to listen to any problems, even if you were having a bad day yourself.
You are generous, kind and amazing and you have to keep telling yourself that every single day hun :)
-Rachel :) love you hun xxx
Aww hun thank you so so much <3 Your comment really touched my heart hun <3 I am so lucky to have you as a friend I miss you so much now I don't see you every day <3 Love you loads too hun <3 xxxx
DeleteSo touching and you are right, we need a healthy relationship with ourselves as well. So true! And your hair is so pretty ^_^
ReplyDelete<3 aww thank you so much hun <3 it's something I really struggle with, this. I have just despised myself for so long and it's so hard to move away from that kind of mindset! Aww thanks so much hun <3 hope everything is well over in SF hun <3 xxx
DeleteWow I think youu absolutely found such amazingly perfect words for yourself ;) They describe just the real you: EMMY :) not the ED part of her, just her lovingly sweet personality :)
ReplyDeleteJust wonderful again ;) xxx Ange
Awww hun thank you so so much <3 yes hun it is up to use to separate ourselves from the horrible Miss Mager and see ourselves for who we really are <3 Hope you are doing well hun <3 lots of love <3 xxx
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