At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 25 May 2015

Day 12: What are 3 things you would like to change about yourself...

I wish that I could learn to place less iimportance of my weight, shape, and appearance, and that I could be strong enough to fully let my eating disorder go.

this is something in particular, which I would love to change about myself.

I often ask myself...Why am I so focused on the way I look? Who am I out to impress, after all? But after further contemplation, I don't really think that is what is relevant here. Its not a matter of impressing anyone, making myself look attractive. When I was at my skinniest, I could never, ever look in the mirror and smile and think I looked beautiful. Not even when I reached the size, the weight that I had aimed for.

It's nothing to do with that. I think, for me, being skinny was my identity and my security. I thought: no, I was, am and never will be beautiful. But at least they can say I am not overweight. The thought of being overweight terrified me, as did the thought of failing my exams, losing everyone that I had ever loved, and being on my own. And this fear then spiraled into an obsession with being skinny which, in turn, allowed my eating disorder to develop.

Why was I so, so bent on being like this...forever? Why did I sacrifice everything, for the sake of just being skinny? 

There are days when I literally want to just reach out and shake myself, if this was realistically possible. Shake myself hard and cry out that unspoken question.

Why, why, why, Emmy, do you place so much importance and emphasis on the way you look? On how much you weigh? On what dress size you are? Why? Why does it matter? Is life not short enough? didn't you once tel yourself...that life was too short, to be not be happy? 

I wish I was able to concentrate better.

This is something that I lost through my eating disorder, and which I dearly wish I could regain. There was a time when I was the girl who could study well for an exam or a test without killing herself with the effort of doing so; who could spend hours sitting with her typewriter in the conservatory;engrossed in yet another piece of narrative writing of her own creation; who could learn languages while on the go and sit curled up with a good book long into thelate hours of the night. But this all changed when my eating disorder became stronger, and, suddenly and horribly, I discovered that it was extremely hard for me to focus at all.

I wish that I could embrace the real me, the happy, bubbly, carefree girl who I once was, and lost.

It's true, I remember what the real me used to be like. The girl who was always smiling, who loved wearing pretty dresses and making herself look pretty, the girl whose energy and enthusiasm knew no bounds whatsoever; the girl who was passionate about the things she loved and who loved to dance and write and meet new people. She was confident, talkative, outgoing and sociable. But now, I feel as if I am a shadow of that girl who I once was. Now, that girl who was once me, has now become shy, insecure, nervous and self-loathing. More often than not, I find myself feeling down, depressed, exhausted and hopeless. All because of Ed, and what Ed took away from me. :'(

And though I know, I will never be able to completely be like that girl I once was...I wish I could, be a bit like her. I hope, with all my heart, that one day, she will come back, back to me.
Before I became sick, all those years ago, everything was so, so different...before everything changed,; before I changed...


  1. I can definitely relate, I spent my whole childhood just focusing on my appearance and how thin i was, now in recovery I try to focus more on being a good person as the beauty on the inside radiates on the outside!
    I love your blog, and you are an amazing writer!
    Wish you all the best in your recovery stay strong! xo

    1. <3 that is so true. and thank you so much for your lovely words, you are too kind. <3 Hope you had a lovely day! xXxXx