This time, I won't forget...

All those months ago, way back in March, on that day when I was finally allowed to leave that secluded, detached, imprisoning walls of the eating disorder ward...I felt a palpable, unfamailar sensation pulsating through every vein in my body; an adrenaline, sweet even in the fury of its rush; beautiful, even in its striking unfamiliarity: it was nothin, nothing like I had ever experienced before. I felt as if...as if I had overcome the battle. A Battle which had been so long, so hard, so excruciatingly painful; a battle through which I had shed countless tears; which had cost me, and my loved ones, untellable amounts of hurt and heartache and suffering; blow upon blow falling upon us like the pitiless waves of a maddened stormy sea, crashing against the trembling creatures of the rockpools, tearing and destroying everything in their wake.

I have overcome the Battle, I had thought. I felt like a bell: my whole body was ringing, vibrating, resonating with an unquenchable, indescribable, irresistable, overwhelming sense of pure, vibrant, joy.

But then the days passed and the winds changed...

And I allowed myself to forget....

forget everything which I had overcome, everything which I had been fighting for. Everything which ED had taken from me, everything that it could still take from me...if I did not continue to fight it, fight it with every single bone in my body.

I allowed myself to forget...and then, before I knew it, ED had jumped in, having taken its opportunity when I was at my most vulnerable, and suddenly, my joy was shattered. That feeling of pure happiness seemed as distant and as unreachable as the moon. It seemed as if I had never achieved anything, had overcome, anything. It was as if nothing had ever changed.

But now I realise that I was wrong...and that, no matter how many times I fall down, I can pick myself up again, and carry on with my head held high.

For a stumble in the road does not mark the end of the journey. 

And though there were storm clouds blocking out my horizon,

The winds of change are blowing again, blowing away those clouds.

And in their place I can clearly see, my own glowing, twinkly little stars. :) xxx

And so today I thought I would write this little post, to remind myself of the things that I once forgot, which ED made me forget.

But not this time, Ed.

This Time, I will not Forget. <3 xxx

• That this is my body...my body, the only one that I have and will ever have. But for the past nine years, I have relentlessly abused and mistreated the most valuable and priceless of all of my possessions;  depriving it of its most basic and most fundamental of its needs, mercilessly pushing it to the very brink of exhaustion. And never once did it occur to me to stop and contemplate just how much damage I was causing my body...

Don't forget...Your body is irreplaceable. It will do everything in its power to take care of you, to protect you and keep you safe, functioning, alive. But like all animate things, there is only so much that the human body can take.

I won't forget this time...that every day I spend restricting, every day I spend overexercising, every day which I spend, giving in to Ed, ignoring my body's signals and forcing myself to go hungry...that I am just wasting yet another day of my life, sacrificing it to the cruel voice of Ed. Causing my body even more damage...damage which my body, having been already endured so much abuse for so many, many years, might well not be able to repair, this time...

I won't forget...that if I do not make that change, maintain that change, and learn to take proper care of my body, then there might come a time when it is too late. I will hit rock bottom and then I will realise; realise that every minute of every hour of every day, I should have given recovery all that I had...but then, it will be too late.

So now is the time to stop allowing myself to forget...what truly matters. To stop putting recovery aside; to stop complying with the demands and dictations of theVoice. To never, ever forget the importance of caring for my body, right here, right now. I cannot afford to waste a single day more.

• Thistime, I will not forget...

 That yes, I do have serious osteoporosis. Not just for a day, a week or maybe even a year: no, I have it for life. And that if I do not make that change now, my osteoporosis will only deteriorate ever further: my already weak, brittle, delicate bones will suffer enormously, as a result. I don't like to think of what that will mean for me. All I know is, that I cannot forget that this might well be my final chance. We stop taking calcium into our bones when we reach our thirties, so I have been told. And so, the next few years will be, for me, pivotal in striving to improve my bones. Which is exactly why I must never allow myself forget the importance of maintaining my recovery, and of nourishing my body and giving by bones the best possible chance of strengthening themselves while they still can.

• I won't forget, that now I have the best possible chance of helping my metabolism to recover, if I stay strong and continue to eat well and frequently thoughout the day.

• I won't what I have put my loved ones through. I won't ever forget their unconditional, unflatering love for me, despite all the pain and the sorrow and the heartache. I won't allow myself to forget just how much they have done for me...and how much pride, and joy, it would bbring them to see me happy and healthy.

• I won't forget how fleeting, how valaule, how precious life really is. I won't forget that this is my nly ever chance at life...that tomorrow ould be my last. And that if I chose to remain with Ed, then There is nothing left for me in that place, but pain and and depression unhappiness. I must leave that place behind, walk towards that beautiful yet unknown horizon. <3 xxx

Love your Body! :) Part 1

A few days ago I wrote a post explaining how over the next week or so I am going to write a few wee lists which will hopefully help me (and all you guys too! :) ) to begin to appreciate and love your very own body. for accepting its so-called imperfections (thought I am a firm believer in the saying that it is all these little imperfections which make us special and perfect in our own little ways), bestowing upon it the care, respect and attention it deserves; and for recognising and appreciating everything it has done, will do and does for you, in the past, in the future and on a day-to-day basis. You and only you can be responsible for your body's health and well-being: others can help you, or try to force you to take measures in an attempt to protect yourself from causing you and your body from harm; but at the end of the day, the ball is in your court; it is your body, your life, and there is only so much people can do for you... inevitably, the person who has to take on the responsibility or who will suffer the consequences, whose life will be affected...is you.

And so today, I thought I would share with you my own list of the things that my body has done, and still does do, for me...things which I may have taken for granted in the past, things that I might not even have given a second thought to before. But now, I realise, that it is all because of my body that I could do and can do all these things. Writing a list like this acts as a real eye opener, to the extent to how hard your body works for you, what it has done for you, and which it loyally continues to do for you on a daily or regular basis...for as long as it can draw breath. We need to all realise just how amazing, how incredible our bodies really are; we also need to learn how to love, respect, and care for them. Always remember: your body will never give up on you; it will take care of you...as long as you are prepared to care for it, nurture it, in return.

• Without my body I would never be able to see, hear, or feel the world around me; without it, I would never, ever have been enabled to experience the breathtaking magnificence and beauty of the planet which we know as Earth. I wouldn't be able to inhale the delicate fragrance of the bluebells in springtime; I wouldn't be be able to hear the cuckoo calling or the blackbird singing from the rooftops, neither would I be able to witness to pale, radiant purity of a snowy morning. 
  

• because of my body, I was able to gaze over the sapphire-blue waters of the Pacific and watch fluffy wild sealions wreath and play in the tresses of yellowy kelp which form underwater jungles along the coast of California. I was able to climb to the top of Puig de Maria, running my fingers through the silvery leaves of the olive trees which overhung the rocky path upon which I trod. I was able to leave my footprints along the golden sands of the beaches of West Cork, the roars of the Atlantic crashing in my ears, the fresh sea breeze catching strands of my hair and casting them across my face.
• Because of my body I was able experience the magic of Irish dancing for myself, feel the pulsating rhythm and the enchanting beat of the bodhrán, leap across the stage like a creature of the faery world, as if my feet were on fire, as if I was one with that music. I will never forget being able to dance like that. And I hope by caring for my body, I might be able to do so once again.
• Because of my body I can feel the softness of my doggy's fur, ruffle his ears, take him for walks on the heathery bogs and moors, the rustling forests, the dewy meadows. I can pick up my cat and cuddle him in my arms, feel the warmth of his body against my own.
• I can write and do things with my hands - knit and draw and make delicious creations in the kitchen. 
• And of course, it was my body which kept me alive, when I at my lowest weight in the depths of anorexia. Despite all the strain and abuse that I forced it to endure, my body refused to give up on me, and allowed me to survive. Now I know is the time I repay my body in full for everything it has done for me, and, though I know this is easier said then done, I am determined to prove to my eating disorder that it is no longer the one who decides what is best for my body. 

And there you go, just a snapshot of some of the things which my body does and has done for me which I am so, so grateful for. Think about your own body, your own life, and what your body has done for you. Love your body and it will love you back; choose recovery and fight your eating disorder. It is the best thing you could possibly do for your body! <3 xxx