I am currently sitting here drinking my mid-morning hot choc of course ;) I think I remember from my R.E. classes in my secondary school days that advent can be considered a time of new beginnings. Which is I suppose very relevant for me, as I want the next few weeks, months and year to be a time of progress, transition and positive change, for me.
Haven't done anything that Christmassy today though, unfortunately :'( wellllll....Daddy bought Christmas choccies yesterday, so at least that's something? And I bought mincemeat for the mince pies I intend on making next weekend. (It was a HUMONGOUS jar may I add!! ;)
Ganache-Elf's apron will soon be covered in sticky mincemeat as well as chocolate!! ;)
And so, for one of my main goals for Advent in regards to recovery: Stick to my meal plan 100% over the next couple of weeks (I've marked this in me diary sot there will be NO "convenient" forgetting (oh how good ED is good at making us do just that :( !! ) sunday two weeks I am going to have review of everything and I might have to increase the intake again.
At the moment I suppose, it is still a scary thing for me, the thought of having to up my intake even more. I suppose, Considering this time a few weeks ago I suppose, I wasn't eating properly at all, this is hardly a shock to me. Actually picking myself up, acknowledging that I had had an actual relapse and doing everything in my power to get back onto my basic meal plan again was something that required enormous, enormous effort. Every day poses its own challenges; Ed is there, screaming away in my head; making me feel hesitant, uncertain, afraid, and sometimes, just plain terrified. But well, I'm looking at it this way. I know I HAVE to do this - there's no choice in the matter, anymore; it's either going to be me, or ED, who is going to win this battle. I can choose to kil my eating disorder...or I can choose to let it kill me.
Because that, after all, is the sad, terrible, final reality.
Eating disorders can, and do, kill. And even if it hadn't quite got to that point; even it hadn't got so bad that it had literally killed me... I still truly believe, heart and soul, that if I had continued to let ED control me, the real Emmy - the Emmy without her ED - would have been lost, destroyed forever. I would have become a ghost, a shadow of the girl that I should be. For living with an ED is not living; it is hanging otno life by the tiniest, thinnest threads, threads which could snap at any minute to cast you down, helpless and alone to be broken and torn upon the hard, cold rocks.
But I am not going to let this happen...as I can see now, looking back over the past few months...just how much it was killing me, slowly but surely, taking more and more away, bit by bit, piece by piece.
And so, sticking to my meal plan; and possibly upping my intake in the next few weeks.. Yes, it is tough, but...I know I can do it. I will do whatever it takes.
Anyway, today I thought aout some little things I could do to increase my intake, when the time comes:
- The most obvious one: having an snack with my hot choc ;)
- Making the snacks bigger or always going for bigger snacks
- Having bigger bowls of cereal and extra toast at breakfast
- Having a yoghurt/nuts etc with lunch and having the fruit before breakfast instead
I just wanted to say again, a big thank you for all your supportive, lovely comments on my posts since I started blogging again. I can't express how much this means to me...how much YOU all mean to me. Without you I honestly don't think overcoming my relapse would have been made possible...I can't even begin to thank you enough <3
And the good news is that today I literally SMASHED the first one of my ED goal!! I had a scone and butter with my afternoon hot choc...oh my goodness it was so so delicious <3
And so yes, today was a very good day in terms of fighting the Voice. I've managed to stick to my meal plan completely today, I cleaned my plate/bowl etc, I achieved my "scone" goal , and I defied the Voice when it told to tell me that I was not hungry, that I did not need this, that I should try and throw away some of the food on my plate when noone was looking. I felt...strong, today. I felt in control of everything; and I felt good in nourishing my body and not restricting. It was hard, it was daunting, it was nerve-wracking and scary and I feel as drained now as if I had spent the whole day jumping through hurdles but...I feel proud of what I have achieved. I know that I am getting stronger, and that I have found my feet again in path which leads to freedom.
So make today, the first day of Advent your new beginning. It's never, ever too late to change. Have courage, steel that determination, and stay strong. There is nothing to stop you from doing anything...least of all the Voice of a murderer, a thief, a destroyer...that is, ED. Make today the day you choose to change...the day you choose to fight for your freedom, for your life. <3 xxx