At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 4 May 2015

Day 1...A Letter to my ED.

My dear friend and fellow blogger Karly who blogs at yesterday started doing a 30 day recovery challegeg which she invited me to join her in completing. Karly is such a brave and lovely girl and a true inspiration to me: I would recommend her blog with all my heart. The first day of the blog challenge involves writing a letter to your eating disorder. Here is my own one below.

Dear Ed.

Hello. Yep,you guessed it. It's me, Emmy, again, remember? Not that I thought you would have forgotten me, or anything. because after all, you talk to me every day, really. I can hear your soft whispers from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, till when I lie down again to go to sleep at night. Sometimes, I hear you in my dreams, too. You are so real, it feels like I can almost reach out and touch you.

I've lost count of the times, the ways in which you have touched me.

Here's a quote from one of my favourite songs, ED. It's called Linger, by the Irish band the Cranberries.

But I'm in so deep. You know, I'm such a fool for you...You've got me wrapped around your finger...Do you have to let it you have to, do you have to let it linger?...

Can I just ask you that, Ed? Why do you do it? Why do have to linger with me?

Because in a way, by touching my life, you have ruined it...You've made me a lonely, isolated, shy, painfully self-conscious little girl who focuses every single day on her body and every single morsel of food she puts in her mouth. You have made me hurt the people I love, you have made me hurt myself. She have scarred me for life. You made me starve myself and deprive my body of nourishment, having promised me that this would bring me happiness, success, perfection. It brought me Nothing, Ed. Nothing but a wasted life, sadness, wretchedness, and depression. I nearly committed suicide, because of you. I could have killed myself. I was killing myself, slowly but surely. All because of you.

Because of you, Ed, I have lost so many things. You took and took and took, and you rendered me so helpless, that I still clung on to you, as if I was drowning in a cold, heartless, cruel sea, and you were my only hope of survival. I bent my will to every word you said. I told countless falsities to my loved ones, constantly deceiving them so that I could get away with eating as little as possible in one day, lie and lie pouring from my mouth while you furiously worked to soothe my anguished conscience. It's ok, Emmy. They don't understand you, they don't understand us. I forced myself to walk in the wind and the rain and the hail, heedless to the cold winds that tore at my face and my legs and my hands. I didn't feel them. All I felt, was you. We were so close, weren't we, Ed? You held me hand in a vice-like grip, whatever I chose to do, wherever I chose to go. It's ok, Emmy. This is all for the best. We will always be together, you and I. People change, people move on, people forget you, people don't really care, about you, really, Emmy. But I will always be here. I promise you. I will never betray you...

Oh, Ed. When will you ever cease reveling in your endless cycle of lies and deception..?

But that's just the point, isn't won't. So it;s up to me to stand up now and push you away. I don't want you to touch me again, ED. I hate you. I hate you, with every single breath in my body. You nearly destroyed me. You ARE destroying me. Our relationship ends here, Ed. This is where we part our ways.

Because of you, I now have serious osteoporosis. Because of you, I won't ever be able to ride a horse, ski, go ice skating, run a race or a marathon, bungee jump, do gymnastics, or take up Irish Dancing again. Because of you, I was forced to leave university, for my exhausted, frail, tired body could no longer cope with what English Studies at Trinity demanded. I have now lost all confidence in myself. I no longer want to do the things that I always dreamed of, the things that I have always loved and enjoyed. I criticise myself over everything and anything. Everything I do every single day, everything I try to's never good enough, for you. You have made me hate myself. My body, my shape, my weight, every single fibre of my being.

I no longer want you, Ed. It's been nine years, now. Nine long, hard, bitter years full of tears and pain and suffering, missed oppurtunities, loneliness, deceit and heartbreak. You betrayed me, you cheated on me, and you very nearly killed me. Listen to me, Ed, and hear my words. I feel nothing for you anymore. Nothing. because you told me, promised me...that if I listened to you, heeded your every word, that if I stayed with you, forever and ever and ever, that I would be happy.

It's over, Ed.
I never want to see you, feel you, hear you ever again.

Good bye, Ed.

Yours, for no longer, and never again, 

 Me and Benny in April 2014, just before I chose to fight and recover.

Walking Benny up at Kinnity in the mountains, a year later in April 2015...

Looking back now, I no longer am blinded by your lies and false whispers...I can see for myself just what you were doing to me...


  1. I am so, so, so proud of you Emmy. Your letter shows just how much you hate your ed which will help you resist his demands. You have displayed so much strength in this letter and I can tell that you truly mean what you say. You are obviously ready to fight your anorexia Emmy and I promise that I am right here beside you to help you through every moment. If ever you dont feel strong enough to fight your anorexia alone, that doesnt matter because you dont need to do it alone. If we work together I know we are strong enough to recover together.

    Love you gorgeous
    <3 xx

    1. <3 thank you so so much hun this means so much to me <3 and this was actualy such a helpful exercise Karly. Writing this made me feel really angry at my ED and even more determined to close the door on him forever. Thank you so much for the support hun <3 Hope you had a lovely Monday. xxx