At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday, 23 May 2015

Day 11: What motivated you to enter recovery?

For eight long years, I was completely lost in the sea which my eating disorder had created for me...and I was powerless to resist its domineering, manipulative Voice. A Voice that occupied my head every single minute of every single hour of every single day in which I breathed...or tried to breathe, because it felt at times it was suffocating me.

yet I clung to it, clung to it  like a drowning girl grasping a slippery piece of driftwood, lost in the depthless expanses of some terrible, endless ocean. For a while the driftwood provides comfort, salvation for her. She allows herself to think she is safe and this flimsy thing on which she has pinned all her hopes on will never let her down. But it does, of course, and suddenly she is falling,falling, swallowed up by that terrible grey sea which washes over her without mercy, reclaiming her for its own.

And Anorexia is like that, in many ways...the driftwood is the Voice and its lies, the Voice which you put all your trust in; but ineveitably, of course, that Voice will cast you down without one drop of remorse. And then that sea is is the force which is the force of an eating disorder; a force that submerges you, pulls you under, drowns you, destroys you...

This is what was happening to me, until the day when something moved deep inside me, and I suddenly realised that, no, I was not living - I was drowning. All of a sudden everything changed me and I realised I wanted to recover and fight for my life...

There were a number of things which motivated me to enter recovery. First and foremost, of course, the deep love I possessed for those who cared about me. Whenever I was with them, I could feel their pain; sense their concern and frustration. They were so, so worried about me...but they knew, that they could not help me until I decided that i wanted to help myself.

Another fundamental motivation for me to recover was my recognition of the extent to which my eating disorder had damaged and harmed my body. This recognition was really driven home to me in November last year, when my college doctor pointed out to me that the reason why I had seemingly injured my foot without having actually fallen, slipped, or enagaged in any kind of impact activity, was because my body was so undernourished and my bones and muscles were more than likely damaged and in a very bad way. And then, of course, there was the osteoporosis diagnosis. This was a horrible, horrible blow to the head for me. it was yet another testimony to just howmuch my eating disorder had cost me. The few weeks following my diagnosis were very, very tough for me. I wanted to give up, because it felt like, after having been through so, so much, my anorexia really had triumphed, this time.

I didnt think there was anything left for me to recover for.

But then, after nights of crying myself to sleep, dragging myself through the day and faking countless smiles to those around me; of concealing the hurricane of emotions deep inside me which clawed at my heart; threatening to tear me apart altogether...then, I suddenly realised that I needed to pick myself up again. that no, serious osteoporosis did not mean that my eating disorder had won; or that I should just give in to it. In fact, I knew that it should be quite the opposite. I had to see my osteoporosis as motivationto it was possible, that I could improve my bones and make them stronger, if I continued to nourish my body and fight my eating disorder.

And of course, last but most certainly not little blog and my readers. You all have played such an important part in motivating me to enter recovery. Your support, helpful advice, words of encouragement. for simply taking the time to read my blog, or leaving me a little comment on any particular blog post...I've said it once I know, but I say it again, because I really do mean it, with all my heart. Thank you so, so much, for reading my blog, for writing a comment, for thinking of me, for supporting have no idea just how much this means to me. Thank you, so, so much. <3 xxx

One of my first outings out after being discharged from hospital :) xxx

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