yet I clung to it, clung to it like a drowning girl grasping a slippery piece of driftwood, lost in the depthless expanses of some terrible, endless ocean. For a while the driftwood provides comfort, salvation for her. She allows herself to think she is safe and this flimsy thing on which she has pinned all her hopes on will never let her down. But it does, of course, and suddenly she is falling,falling, swallowed up by that terrible grey sea which washes over her without mercy, reclaiming her for its own.
Another fundamental motivation for me to recover was my recognition of the extent to which my eating disorder had damaged and harmed my body. This recognition was really driven home to me in November last year, when my college doctor pointed out to me that the reason why I had seemingly injured my foot without having actually fallen, slipped, or enagaged in any kind of impact activity, was because my body was so undernourished and my bones and muscles were more than likely damaged and in a very bad way. And then, of course, there was the osteoporosis diagnosis. This was a horrible, horrible blow to the head for me. it was yet another testimony to just howmuch my eating disorder had cost me. The few weeks following my diagnosis were very, very tough for me. I wanted to give up, because it felt like, after having been through so, so much, my anorexia really had triumphed, this time.
I didnt think there was anything left for me to recover for.
But then, after nights of crying myself to sleep, dragging myself through the day and faking countless smiles to those around me; of concealing the hurricane of emotions deep inside me which clawed at my heart; threatening to tear me apart altogether...then, I suddenly realised that I needed to pick myself up again. that no, serious osteoporosis did not mean that my eating disorder had won; or that I should just give in to it. In fact, I knew that it should be quite the opposite. I had to see my osteoporosis as motivationto recover...as it was possible, that I could improve my bones and make them stronger, if I continued to nourish my body and fight my eating disorder.
And of course, last but most certainly not least...my little blog and my readers. You all have played such an important part in motivating me to enter recovery. Your support, helpful advice, words of encouragement. for simply taking the time to read my blog, or leaving me a little comment on any particular blog post...I've said it once I know, but I say it again, because I really do mean it, with all my heart. Thank you so, so much, for reading my blog, for writing a comment, for thinking of me, for supporting me...you have no idea just how much this means to me. Thank you, so, so much. <3 xxx
One of my first outings out after being discharged from hospital :) xxx