At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Day 7: Two things I want...and two things I need.

Well, let's take needs first...

 I know, I need to recover from my eating disorder. I need to gain weight, I need to totally let go of all my old ED habits and behaviors. I need to completely let go of my eating disorder, and to silence that ever present Voice in my head forever and ever.

But on my bad days...I often forget that this is something that I need...which I need to live, live a healthy, happy life free of restrictions, and anxiety, and fear, and isolation. But On my bad days, the thoughts come rushing back, the guilt and sense of helplessness kicks in, and the Voice, that Voice, becomes stronger than ever, and I find myself too weak to resist it. On my bad days, I let myself think that I don't need to recover from my eating disorder.

I am sure I am not alone in thinking this. But what I have to realise, what we all have to realise, is that these are all sick, distorted and very harmful ways of thinking. And that we have every reason to choose recovery, to believe that we can recover, to believe that this is what we need, and need to fight for, with every breath we take, every heartbeat.

I know I need to gain weight...because...

  • I need to be at a healthy bmi to repair the damage done to my body from when I was sick
  • To help improve and strengthen my weak, brittle bones
  • To get my concentration back and to be mentally stronger to fight my eating disorder thoughts.

I know I need to fully (not partially) recover from my ed...because...

  • Because I will never be truly happy or free, unless I totally let go of my eating disorder and all my old eating disorder habits and behaviours.
  • In hanging onto my eating disorder, I will continue to isolate myself. I will miss out on opportunities, I will continue to detach myself from those who I love. I will continue to live in my own little bubble of regulation and control and fear. 
  • If I do not let go of my eating disorder wholly and completely...then that Voice in my Head which has lingered with me for so, so long will never be silenced. It will still be with me, it will still control me, it will still manipulate me and bend me to its will every day. And then one day, I might find myself unable to resist it for any longer...

I think the other thing I need to do is develop my self-esteem, and to distance myself from the sense of self-hatred which has been with me, ever since my early teenage years.
On several times in the past, when things got overbearingly difficult for me, I considered committing suicide. I wrote in my diary how I planned to cycle to the railway station and throw myself in front of a train...and put an end to it all. All the pain, all the suffering, all the tears. Never again would I cause my loved ones, or any other person in my life, any more concern, any more heartbreak, anymore anger, frustration or misery. I thought that the world would be a much better place...without me.

Equally, alot of the time I considered myself "useless" at everything. Nothing I did was ever, ever good enough, in my head. My writing, my communicative and social skills, my blogging, my baking, my academic work, exercise, the way I dressed each day and how I expressed myself. everything, every single thing I did, big or small, I scrutinised and criticised relentlessly. If asked to write a list of adjectives to describe myself, the negatives would all automatically spring into my mind. Ugly, stupid, useless, clingy, pathetic, weak, selfish. Nothing positive, ever.

I know I need to work on this...that I need to work on my sense of self-esteem. Otherwise, I will always be unhappy, because I will continue to see myself as worthless and inept, and consistently bring myself down.

It's hard to say really, what I really, really yearn for, with all my heart and soul. We were talking about winning the lotto the other day around the family dinner table and when Mam asked me what I would do with the money if I won it, I found, to my surprise, I couldn't really answer.

One thing I really do want, and which I know would be such an exciting and life-changing experience for me...would be to go to Sweden to study with a dear friend of mine... I dont' know if this is possible for me, because of financial circumstances and whether I would actually be well enough to go... But it would be a dream come true for me, and it is still one of my biggest motivations to get better. :)

And another thing I want...

This is something which I always used to pray for, when I was a little girl and always used to say my nighttime prayers before i went to sleep at night.
That is, peace and equality for every single person on this earth...for no one single living human being on this planet to be deprived of their freedom...whatever the word freedom may connote for them.

But I know realistically this is sort of, impossible...because even as I write this, I know that there is so much suffering and hurt and pain in the world. But all we can do is try our best, to make this world a better reaching out, by listening, by offering support, a helping hand, a listening ear...or simply our love. And all those acts of kindness and goodness, whether they be big or small...none of them should be overlooked or taken for granted, as these are what reduces suffering and sadness on our planet, and which helps to make our world a brighter, better place.  <3 xxx


  1. Wonderful post emmy. It is great that you were able to recognise the things you need to do in order to recover, even if you dont always feel as though you necessarily want them. Is this a a recent photo of you? You look so beautiful and happy! I hope you are doing ok and that you got my email. <3 x

    1. Oh hun thank you so so much. Writing this was a very meaningful and thought-provoking experience for me. yes , it is! I took it a few days ago when I had one small but special little positive moment. Maybe when it was when I saw your email hun <3 Thank you so much for it hun, I will reply later on tonight. All my love karly hun <3 xxx

  2. Wonderful post emmy. It is great that you were able to recognise the things you need to do in order to recover, even if you dont always feel as though you necessarily want them. Is this a a recent photo of you? You look so beautiful and happy! I hope you are doing ok and that you got my email. <3 x

  3. Awwwww *_* hunniiiiiii <3 it breaks my heart to hear you once had such bad thoughts of ending your life :( you are such an important worth person and I hate so much that Miss Mager is telling us we are not :( and I am so glad you recognized this and the other things you say you need to let go of to fully receive your goal of being fully recovered :)
    ANd I also love your things you want in life ;) the year in Sweden sounds amazing and I wish so much you will be able to make it happen :) alsooooo I would wish so much that our plans for the summer will happen and the gaaaaaaals do their trip to Europe :)
    Love u so much <3 xxx

    1. Aww huni thank you so so much hun <3 I know hun it is just so, so awful what the eating disorder makes us do and think hun :( but it is these sort of harmful, damaging thoughts that we must go against hun and fight so that we can be happy and healthy girlees again , free to enjoy life and do the things we love the most <3 Awww hun I can't waitttt to meet you OMG so exciting hun <3 it will be like realising a dream huni <3 oh yes the chocolate-loving blogging girlees on their tour of Europe, OMG this would be amazingggg huni <3 we will make it happen hun I promise <3 love you so so much hun! <3 xxxxx

    2. Ohhhhh hunniiiii <3 I HATE this disgusting and harmful Miss Mager who makes us feel bad and not worth the food :( Oh yeess you are so right, and this is what we actually always wanted to become: happy, free, careless girls with a welcoming future and a normal life :( Oh my deeeear me too ;) this will be absolutely a dream come true and for real ;) Love u so so much xxx

  4. Beautifully written
    I echo almost every word
    You have a great awareness
    And that will stand to you

    Take care x

    1. <3 thank you so , so much, your comment really meant so much to me please know that <3 thank you ever so much and I hope you have a lovely day <3 xxx