At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 28 May 2015

My Meal Plan Mission...Part 1

Sticking to the meal of the most important parts of the recovery process, and, arguably enough, also one of the most challenging. Because by doing so, your ED is literally screaming in your ear, trying to convince you that what you are doing is so wrong, essentially. That you are going against al your "rules" and "principles", that it made for you and which you adopted as your life philosophy, in a way. Sticking to you meal plan is something which requires immense willpower, strength and perseverance. But needless to say, it's a key ingredient in terms of eating disorder recovery; since many of those in recovery may have no clue whatsoever how much, when and what they should eat every day; and having a meal plan instantly solves that problem immediatly.

And this, for me, is most certainly something I have been struggling with ALOT recently. and its funny because at the beginning, I considered myself at being fairly good at keeping to it. I suppose that was because of the fact that back then I knew that I had to gain weight and I recognised just how imoportant it was for me that I did so. But now, things have become harder. My bmi has increased from 15 to 18 since I went into hospital, and now, at this new, healthier bmi, my ED voice tells me that I need to stop and start restricting again, as you have already gained weight Emmy, and you need to lose it again.


I often wonder, how the world sees they see a girl who is recovered? Do they see, do they feel the battle going on and on and on, inside my very own head?

About two weeks ago today, I was walking from the station towards the hospital, the thoughts rushing, rushing through my head; so much so that it almost felt like I was walking in an entirely different world, a world of my own making. Just me and Ed. Ed trying to tell me things, I trying desperately to ignore them, to not listen to them. What are you going to try and miss out on today, Emmy. - No, please, I don't want to miss out on anything. - You do, you know you do. Because if you stick to that meal plan, you know you will just gain more weight, and you know that you don't want that...

And then, I felt it; a sensation, that I knew all too well: a building ache in the heel of my left foot, barely noticeable at first, but intensifying with every step i took.

The last time I had had one of those "aches" in my foot, it had been my right foot, in the instep...and it had been like that for over three months; and for those three months I had hobbled from place to place like a cripple.

Why? well, looking back on it now, I had obviously sprained or injured my foot in some way, by seemingly doing nothing at all - I didn't fall, slip, twist my ankle or anything. But what i didn't realise at first back then, as I limped around trying to conceal my injury from everyone...was that, because my body was so undernourished, because I had overexercised for as long as I could remember - hammering up and down, up and down the hard tarmac roads for as long as I could manage, whether it be scorching hot, freezing cold, pouring with rain or perilously icy - because of all that, I had caused severe damage to my feet. And even when I did hurt myself, I still didn't allow it to rest.

And here I was again, now...a different foot, and a new injury in a slightly different place. I tried to keep walking, but I knew I was getting slower and slower. My usual brisk, quick-stepped little walk diminished to a dragging, heavy-footed limp. I very nearly sat down hard on the damp pavement and cried. So. After all of my efforts, after having been forced to put on weight, face my fear foods, and spend day after day cooped up like a prisoner behind the walls of a hospital, forbidden to walk or do any form of exercise...this was what I had. My body was still weak; and I had done it again -  my foot was injured, by doing absolutely nothing at all. Everything seemed so, so hopeless and pointless. Slowly the tears I had been trying to hold back leaked onto my cheeks, and I didn;t even lift a hand to wipe them away.

Guess you've won again, Ed...

But then, a few hours later, I realised what I had to do.

I rested my foot. I stayed at home for a few days folowing the incident, elevating the injured foot on a mountain of cushions with my knitting and my laptop close to hand to keep my mind busy and Ed quiet. I moved about as little as I could. By God it was not easy; for rest is something that I really really do struggle with. But I knew that my foot needed it, that I needed it. Otherwise, if I kept on clattering around at ninety miles an hour, walking and doing my usual chores, I wasn't going to get myself anywhere. I would just make my foot worse and worse.

And then, over the next few days, my foot DID improve. the swelling reduced dramatically, the aches lessened and then diminished altogether. But one thing that did not fade, was the memory of what had just happened. The realisation of just how lucky I really was.

No. I',m not recovered. And as I confessed to you at the beginning of this post, the past couple of months haven't been great for me in terms of sticking to my meal plan. But. I KNOW I have to get myself back on track. Because it's obvious that there is still work to be done, in terms of recovery and strengthening my body and bones and improving my osteoporosis. I know that if I don't stick to that meal plan, I will be as helpless and as weak as a canoe without a paddle,caught on the rushing rapids. I will be swept away and dashed against the rocks. Ed tries to tell me, that i do not need to stick to the meal plan. That I should try to lose weight again and go back to skinny, stick thin Emmy. No. I canot, I will not let this happen. I know that I have to keep on fighting, keep on nourishing my body and my bones. Then and only then will my body become stronger; only then will the severity of my osetoporsis be reduced; only then will I be able to get my periods back. I know that I have to do it. I have come too far to turn back now.

Tomorrow I will commence with my recovery chalenege!! So sorry my posts are all a bit higgley-piggedly at the moment. I also plan to write more about how I plan to fight my ED in terms of sticking to the meal plan, and share my thoughts and advice on this. I have recently received alot of advice from a very special friend of mine and I just want to take this opportunity to thank her with all my heart. <3 xxx


  1. This is a beautifully written post Emmy. I am so proud of you for realising how important sticking to your meal plan is in terms of making a full recovery and know that you can do it. It may take some time to get back to following your meal plan 100% of the time but know that every time you ignore your anorexia and stick to your meal plan you are choosing recovery and getting a little closer to achieving it.

    I will talk to you again really soon Emmy,
    lots of love and hugs, Karly xx

    1. <3 thank you so much hun <3 You have no idea how much your support and advice has helped me over the past few weeks. You have helped me so much in realising that I need to change my ways; I wil never be able to thank you enough, for that. X. I will keep you updated on my progress over the next few weeks. All my love and lots of hugs Karly. <3 xxx

  2. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! Good luck with commencing your Recovery Challenge. It will be hard, but you deserve a life without Ed, you really do. A life with Ed is no life at all. I hope your poorly foot gets even better soon. Lots of rest and recuperation! Take care, stay strong and I'm here if you need a chat or anything to motivate you in recovery. You've got this, believe in you! Xxx

    1. <3 thank you so so much Annie <3 And I completely agree with you. I know that I am only succeeding in making myself miserable and my ED stronger by not keeping to the meal plan. And hun thank you so so much and I say the exact same back to you I'm always always here for you! Take care and lots of love to my special Welsh friend <3 xxx

    2. It's your Ed that's making you miserable, please don't blame yourself. It's such a strong and powerful illness, but you are stronger and more powerful than it, please believe that, And if you do struggle to keep to your meal plan, don't beat yourself up just start again the next day, just never ever give up, you're better than that, and I can see how strong you are that you won't give up cos you're a superstar! Aww thanks so much <3 Sending you love and hugs from Wales xxx

    3. <3 thanks so much hun <3 I am determined to try and stick to my meal plan as much as I possibly can from this point onwards. Today I feel as if I had a new motivation and I have felt my mood lift too. All my love Annie . Hope you are doing ok. xXxXx

  3. Oooooooh hunniiiii... <3 I admire your strength so so much ;) stay strongly cuuutie ;) bad times will pass and I am so sure you will overcome them, don´t listen to Miss Mager, remember what lies she tells you ;) I know you can ;) I am so proud of you for realizing her only doing bad things to you ;) I am always here for yooooou, remember that ;) chat to me if you need someone to talk and fight for our plans in summer ;) Can´t wait :) Love u so so much ;) xxxx Nuteeeeellaaaaa-Ange

    1. <3 aww huni <3 <3 <3 thank you so so much and I am always here for you too huni <3 i so can't WAIT to see you this summer hun <3 We shall be having our hot choc in a little Irish cafe by the sea very soon huni <3 Love you more my special little friend <3 :* xxxx

    2. Omg thank you so much as well hun ;) <3 your words are just so lovely towards myself ;) Oh absolutely ;) and I would love to go to the beeeeach afterwards ;) can you imagine this? ;) let the fuck shut up Miss Mager ;) you don´t belong into our lives!!!!! :) Love u huuuun stay strong and don´t listen to her, as you already said she is lying ;)
      xxxxxxxxxx <3 <3

    3. Awww huni the beach we have to go there and Benbulbin hun so so amazing <3 :* yes hun EXACTLY <3 thanks so much huni <3 hope you are doing ok hun and that you are having a lovely weekend <3 xxxx