It does not matter....

I was in a state of denial as far as my ED was concerned for a total of about 8 years. In the first few years of secondary school, when my eating disorder was first beginning to develop, it never even crossed my mind that what I was doing was not normal. As time wore on and I matured, i suppose I became more acutely aware of what I was doing and why I was doing it. And I'm not going to lie: the word anorexia would sometimes fleet across my mind, but I always batted it away without thinking. No, I - or was it the Voice? - always told myself sternly. There's nothing wrong with me.

But anyway, back to the main point of this post...

It does not matter whether you are 10 kg underweight, or not underweight at all.

It does not matter, if you exercise for 2 hours a day, 1 hour, 30 minutes, or none. It doesn't matter if you have never brought back up what you have just eaten on purpose, or if you do so on a regular basis. It doesn't matter the clothes size, the laxatives you do or don't use, the foods you eat, the amounts, the assumptions made by others, that there isn't anything going on behind that happy, smiling face.

It doesn't matter what form your eating disorder takes. It doesn't matter which signs you show, which symptoms. It doesn't matter if the Voice tells you that you aren't really that sick at all, that your case isn't really that important, at all.

It doesn't matter how serious or mild your eating disorder is...how serious or mild you think it is. The cold, hard truth is, that eating disorders can kill. They can ruin lives, tear families apart, destroy relationships. They can cause many serious and potentially life-threatening health problems. They have the capacity to cause endless heartbreak, pain, and suffering.

For example, take my case. I'm a prime example of the girl who closed her eyes to the real truth of what was happening to her...what was happening inside her head. And she remained that way for about 8 years. 8 years, and now, as I look back, I realise just how much I have missed out on, how much the Voice in my head controlled me. And in my present I have to face up to the consequences...the consequence of all those countless times when I would tell myself...tell myself that I was normal.That there was nothing wrong. Or that, maybe I should change a few things....but sure, I will do that tomorrow. Or next week, maybe. I will do it, though. Just not today.

I never ran for several miles a day, or spent hours in the gym on the treadmill or in the swimming pool. I never vomited or used laxatives. I was never so underweight that I found it difficult to lift my head from the pillow every morning, My hair didn't become thin, I didn't feel physically weak all the time, I didn't go through a day without eating or only permitting myself tiny, tiny amounts. I didn't just live on diet foods. I didn't survive on tea and apples every day, I didn't refuse to eat chocolate and biscuits and ice cream. I didn't stare in the mirror every day at my slender, bony frame and ruminate to myself on how fat I thought I looked.

But I did have an eating disorder; a restrictive eating disorder...and it was far, far more serious than I ever even comprehended. And I realise that, now, just how strong it really was, what it was doing to me.

It doesn't matter what that murderous Voice in your Head tries to tell you. That you aren't sick enough. There is no such thing as not being sick enough. If you think that you or someone you love has an eating disorder, please, please, please don't ignore the signs. Seek help as soon as possible.

Don't wait until it is too late.

Chaptrer 5 of My Eating Disorder and Me.

And so begun my second year at Trinity...but yet, I was, of course, no better.

I was no better...No wiser, no less sick, no freer from my Eating Disorder. The first couple of months of second year passed relatively well. Relatively. At least I ate proper meals, frugal as they might be. But after Christmas, things took a turn for the worse again. I became isolated and depressed...and that of course compelled me to turn to restriction and overexercise once more.

But then, in May of that year, something happened...something clicked deep inside me. I finally realised the truth which I had been denying for so many, many years. You have an eating disorder Emmy. You need to do something about it, right now...you need to destroy that Voice in your head before it destroys you... 

What did I do...? I made the very first step in what was to be journey towards recovery from my restrictive eating disorder. I told my Mam. I told her everything of what I had done, the thoughts and mindset that dominated my head, the feelings, the fear, the anxiety...everything. And she understood me, and she held me tightly in her arms as I cried and she told me that she still loved me, despite all the lies and the deceit and the failures. And she told me that we were going to beat this thing, together.

Don't ever, ever think that you have to suffer alone. <3

Summer 2014.
Looking back on it now brings happy, bittersweet tears to my eyes.It was the first summer since 2006 in which I didn't feel compelled to restrict and eat as little as possible. I gave my all into getting better...to enjoying food and life again.

I knew it had been a close call, and that, in some respects, I was lucky to be alive...

And I did gain weight, this summer. My face began full and bright once again, my stomach and waist expanded, the rib and hipbones which had once protruded from my body no longer were so painfully visible. I put weight on around my torso, waistline, stomach and waist. And I was, really and truly, so, so happy and proud. I thought that I had beaten my eating disorder. I thought my problems were over.

But what I didn't realise was...my eating disorder was still part of me, part of my identity. And I was still unconsciously being controlled by it, in numerous aspects of my life. I had made enormous progress. I had faced a massive proportion of my fears and had overcome many of my demons...but yet, some still remained. Instead of climbing to the very top of that mountain, where I could finally gaze upon that glorious view with a true, genuine smile upon my face...I stopped halfway along the slope, and mistakenly assumed this was as far as I could go. And it was beautiful, at that little spot halfway up the mountain..but there were still so many rocks and stones which I was almost oblivious to until they fell and knocked me down along with them. It was not until October, a few months later, that the real truth hit me, hard. It was one of the most difficult days of my life...that day at the doctor's in October 2014 when they told me I was still suffering from an eating disorder, and that my struggle for recovery was still far from over.

Five months later, here I am...but I know I will never stop fighting. :)

So let's stay strong...together. <3 xxx

If you want to read more of this chapter of my journey to recovery, here are some more of my older posts:

• My Journey My thoughts as I looked back on my journey as a whole so far.
• Diagnosed with an Eating Disorder My thoughts and feelings the day I was signed off from Trinity, shortly after eing diagnosed with an eating disorder by my doctor.
• Don't Suffer Alone Choosing to reach out.
• 2014...the year when everything changed. Looking back on 2014.
• It was the end of my old world... My reflections on the period between January 2014 and May of that year, the point at which my eating disorder was at its worst.
• Life doesn't get easier. You just get stronger. What I think finally compelled me to acknowlge that I was suffering from an eating disorder.
• I’m not fat, but…I don’t need to gain weight, right? My thoughts on the distorted way of thinking I recall from when I was very sick.
• College, leaving home, and realisation. The impact leaving home and college life had on my eating disorder.