At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 22 January 2016

Looking into that mirror...I saw a girl that the rest of the world could not see...

Out of all the works of English literature that I was obliged to study back in my days at secondary school - the novels and the classics; the long and drearily tragic pieces of epic poetry; the plays that didn't make any sense no matter how many times you endeavoured to read them - there is one particular poem that has, till this day, remained etched upon my mind, as if the lines themselves were inscribed upon my own memory, the same way as they were printed upon that smooth, blank page in the middle of my English poetry anthology. That being, Mirror, by Sylvia Plath. The words, the haunting imagery, the eerie insidiousness of that poem stilllingers with me, despite the fact that it's now years since I set my eyes upon that page.

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful...

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is...

But a mirror can be a cruel, cruel thing.

Because we see in that silvery glass a figure who we believe is a true reflection of who we really are. The mirror never lies...or so we are led to think.

 Because I know, deep down, what the truth really is.

Today after collage, I was standing changing my t-shirt before the tall, long, room-length mirror in my bedroom, tossing off the flimsy white garment I had donned earlier that morning to replace it with a top more suitable for walking. At my back, my reflection moved with me, mimicking my movements as I crossed the room to the wardrobe and leaned in to rummage through the line of clothes hung on the rails . Picking out the top that I wanted, I slipped it on over my shoulders, trying to ignore the Voice whispering repeatedly, at the farthest, darkest corner of my mind, to look, look, look. It was no use. Slowly I turned around, not wanting to see, not wanting to look, but powerless, so powerless to the merciless pull of the mirror. My reflection gazed mockingly back at me. All I could see was my stomach, bloated after lunch. I slid one hand upon the skin and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. At the back of my mind, that cruel Voice taunted. Ah, look at you. How could they ever say you look as if you have lost weight...? they are lying to you! The mirror never lies.

For looking into the mirror through the eyes of my eating disorder, I could see - I mean, I can still only see -  a girl who is not the same as the one seen by the rest of the world.

And that is the thing...the thing, that I need to realise, that I need to grasp. That when I look into the eyes of that girl in the mirror...I need to say to this really me. Am I really choosing to see...the real girl in the glass? The slenderness of her legs and arms; the small, girl like, barely discernible breasts? Am I choosing to ignore the darkness of the shadows under my eyes; the cracked, dry, wrinkled skin on my hands? Am I refusing to see what the rest of the world can see, but which I, blinded by malignant, sneering, heartless taunts of my eating disorder, cannot acknowledge every time I looks upon my face and body in that glass...?

The body...the body of a child, a girl. Not a 21 year old young woman; not that of a healthy, happy girl who does not have this Voice in her head. A Voice which tells her, every single hour of every single day, that she is fat and repulsive. A Voice that tells her that she must, on pain of life itself, not gain weight. A Voice which tells her she should go back to starving herself; A Voice which tells her she will never, ever be happy, unless she remains underweight, thin, skinny.

But this is what that little Voice in my Head is telling me, when I look at the body of the girl who is me, in that mirror. Just look at aren't that bad. Your body is just...the way it should be. 

But that Voice...that Voice is a cruel, deceitful,  cold-blooded liar...
And that girl that I see in the mirror,

Is not the girl that the rest of the world can see.

I cannot see this girl...

You were never truthful to me, Eating Disorder...

You are never truthful. Only...only cruel.

Monday, 18 January 2016

Review of Week 2...and taking the next massive leap...

So it's that time of the week again... when I review how I got on with my weekly goals and reflect on how they went, before looking toward the following week and deciding on what I am going to tackle or address next.

So, starting with Week 2's goals. (in LIST form, of course. ;)

1. ) Enough protein in rolls at lunch, and vary filling every day.

I did okay-ish with this was easier this week as Mam was not working a good few of the days, and we made lunch together and I didn't have any problems then. As for variety, I alternated between fillings of ham, cheese, and tuna mayonnaise during the week, so that was all good. I did intend to have egg or salmon one of the days, though, so that will have to be done next week.

Of course three out of the four days I was on my own and I think I did alright..those days were the days I had the ham, because it was easier tio know what amount to have.. I definitely think this is something I should still keep working on though, so I am definitely going to make this my goal again this week, until I feel a bit more happier with it.

2.) Continue with the cleaning of the plate/bowl until I feel as if I have made a good, substantial improvement on this ED habit.

Happy enough with this. Again, one or two nights, Mam did have to prompt me...but I'll keep on trying, and trying, and trying. I know that this habit is going to take ALOT of working's been established now for as longas I can remember, but no way does that mean that it can;t be broken down.

3.) And the final goal was something which I didn't achieve last week, but which I want to talk about further now. That being, the increasing of the meal plan.

I know it's been well over two months now, since I openly acknowledged the fact that yes, ED had dealt me a hard, hard blow, this time, and that I had fallen. Fallen, into the cold, dark, razor-lined pit, the pit which many of us term as the relapse. A slippery-bottomed, steeply sided, hostile pit...which, only a few months ago, now, appeared so overwhelming, so  immensely, terribly deep. And one which was impossible to climb out of: one which I believed I would remain entrapped within, forever.

But then I realised, I was wrong.

I realised then that I do have the strength to overcome this...

And even though ED will try to hold me down, keep me ensnared within this hole.

I can be stronger, we can be stronger.

Overall, it wasn't too bad a week at all...I went for Insomnia AGAIN last Wednesday, I've been blissfully munching on toasted crumpets with pb every day this weekend for my afternoon snack <3. and I've stil been trying very hard to keep up the good work at dinner, cleaning my plate and talking with my loved ones..and on Friday mam and I went walking and it was just so, so beautiful, in every single possible way. And it felt so right, to talk to Mam, and tell her some of the secrets I hide deep inside. Afterwards, I felt so much stronger, as if my strength had been renewed.

Also, the meal plan (in full) has gone onto the noticeboard in the kitchen, with little memos on it to keep me focused and motivated. So no more cheating. No more excuses. No more giving in to ED...I need to move forwards now, take the next huge, terrifiying, but ultimately crucial leap.

To be brave and strong, like my Benny... <3

Goals for Week 3...
  • Increase my meal plan and follow it precisely, no exceptions.
  • Continue to focus on protein at lunch, and varying the fillings too. Wednesday is my egg day!!! I boiled some on Sunday and they are not in a bowl in the fridge ready for consumption!! ;)
  • The spreading of the food around the plate at dinner: something else that needs to be eradicated.
We are stronger than we think... <3 xxx

Saturday, 16 January 2016

Lunchtime Labours SORTED!! ;)

One of my ED goals this week was centred on lunchtimes and making lunch for myself, as this is undoubtedly an area which I have struggled with alot in the past. Specifically, this week my aim was to try and vary what I had for lunch every day, in addition to making sure that I had enough of everything, especially in regard to the protein filling.

Lunchtimes, particularly when eating alone or making lunch when noone else is there, have always posed problems for me, and would be an area I would definitely not consider as one of my strong points. As mentioned before, I always had the tendency to not have enough of the protein filling at lunchtime: my rolls and sandwiches would have been sparsely and meagerly filled with the tiniest and most measly amount of ham or cheese, placed strategically at the corners of the bread so that anyone who would have happened to glance at my "lunch" might have mistakenly assumed that I had given myself enough. If I was eating alone, things would deteriorate even further. everything was so frugal, so paltry; so pitifully and scantily insufficient.

But I know now it is time to dispense with all of that. I know what I need to do, and I have (another!!) wee plan of action in place now, which I hope will enable me to tackle my lunchtime labours. (Sorry, I wanted this to be alliterative, I know the word "problems" or issues etc would be more appropriate in this context...but since neither of those words begin with the same letter as lunchtimes, I had to make do with what I had!! :'( ;) So anyway, here was have new guidelines for dealing with lunchtime labours.

  My New Guidelines for Lunchtimes!! :)

1.)When possible, always eat with others, or let mam make it for me when she offers.

2.)For the amounts of the protein filling, I thought I would draw up this little guide, to be referred to whenever I am making lunch by myself. As I mentioned before, I find it hard to tell what exactly is the "right" amount of protein filling...and I know that it's so important for me at this time to make sure I am eating enough of this.
 A normal, healthy person with no understanding of eating disorders might find all this uncertainty and hesitation quite amusing, and say, "just have as much as you want!" Unfortunately, it is never going as simple with that for a person recovering from anorexia, of course,
  • Tinned tuna: third to half of a can, mixed with a good dollop of mayonnaise and sweetcorn if there is some going begging!! ;)
  • Tinned salmon: half to third of a can 
  • Egg: 1 boiled egg, mixed with good dollop of mayo if making egg mayonnaise. I also loveee soft boiled eggs with toast and cherry tomatoes on the side. <3
  • Ham: 1 slice of ham
  • Cheese: This is the one which I am not so sure about at all...tomorrow I might talk about this with mam and ask for her opinion on it. Is there a certain weight of cheese I should try to aim for? Anyway, I suppose a good general rule of thumb is to have as many slices so that the whole of bottom half of the roll/the bottom piece of bread etc. is completely covered up. And no wafer-thin slices allowed!! 
  • Chicken, cold fresh salmon, turkey, etc: again, it's difficult to say but the cheese guideline might be good for this: have an amount which completely covers the bottom of the roll.

3.)Don't pick little bits of rolls, bread etc. Ask yourself : what difference will that small bit of bread make???

4.) Don't be afraid to be more adventurous and try out things like soup with crusty bread, or a baked potato and with salad and a filling, instead of having my usual rolls sometimes. It's true to say though rolls are still my favourite... when I say rolls I mean, the soft brown oat toped rolls I buy in Aldis, submarine rolls, seeded rolls...ohhh and of course soft mini baguettes are one of my top favourites of all <3

5.) The past few weeks I have been having fruit in the morning with my hot choc instead of after lunch..BUT from this week onwards...I am going to try and have a proper snack with my morning hot choc, so I will have my fruit there after lunch instead.

6.) And of course, don't hold back from adding lots of yummy vegetables or salad. Tomatoes are my favourite (especialllyyy cherry ones <3 , but I also love beetroot, sweetcorn, cucumber, etc etc

Tomorrow I will fill you in on this week's progress..and also talk about something which, as already mentioned, represents in itself an enormous and daunting challenge for me, but which I know deep down is crucial to making further progress in my recovery..that being, of course, the upping of the meal plan again. Anyway, I will discuss this in further detail in my post tomorrow.

Thursday, 14 January 2016

My Goals, Hopes and Dreams...for

Happy New Year everyone!! <3

Now, I know I have already talked a little about what I hope to achieve in 2016... But today, I thought I would compose this wee outline of my 2016 goals and collaboration with a very, very special friend of mine who lives all the way across the North Sea... ;)

I could write page upon page of the things I love about Ange. Her ready smile and loving heart. Her ability to make me laugh till my sides ache, even on my most darkest and hardest of days. Her love of Nutella and her wicked sense of humour. Her beautiful, inspiring, incredible blog where she writes of her struggles and victories in her ongoing fight against her own eating disorder.One single blog post isn't quite enough to express just how special Ange is and how lucky I feel to have her as a friend. <3 if you do one thing today, please check out amazing blog. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will make you fall in love with Nutella again. It will compel you to look at recovery with fresh new eyes and realise the sheer power and strength that lies deep within the heart of every single one of us. <3 xxx

1.) My first goal is one which undoubtedly constitutes one of the most crucial and fundamental decisions I could ever possible afford to make for myself.

That being, of course, to make 2016 the year when I break free.

The year when I break through all those cruel and heavy chains; push aside all the thick and impassable barriers. The year when I tear down the walls which have imprisoned me for so, so long; the year when I let go of all the pain and the regret and the intense and bitter sadness. The year when I conquer all my fears and destroy my greatest ever nemesis: this monster, this monster which lives inside my very head; this malign, pitiless, tyrannically brutal demon which, for the past ten years, came so close to almost destroying me.

But now the tables have turned on you, ED...

I will be your prisoner for no longer.

I know that it would be unrealistic of me to say, that 2016 is going to be the year in which I fully and completely recover from the illness which I have had for almost half of my life. Recovery, as we all know, is a process that doesn;t take place within a few weeks or months; rather, it requires perseverant, dedicated, and steadfast commitment over a lengthy and  usually extensive period of time. But that said...I want this year to mark a crucial turning point in my recovery journey. I want to make progress this year...real, concrete progress...more so than I ever have done before.

2.)Take MORE photos with my super cool, battery-devouring, weatherbeaten relic of a digital camera (yes, happy birthday to my camera!! I have had it for almost 10 years!! :o ;)

Now I wouldn't consider myself skilled in any way at all in the photography side of things. Taking photos is, for me, something which requires a considerable amount of willpower: as I find it incredibly infuriating at the best of times. I'm that annoying, fumbling, tourist-reminiscent individual with the camera out in the forest or up to her knees in mud in some swamp like patch of bogland, who keeps on stopping to take pictures of everything and anything, an undertaking accompanied by frequent groans and muttered grumblings about  how feckin' terrible her photography skills are. Though it's safe to say: I do really enjoy it, all the same...I get so much pleasure put of taking random pictures!! ;) even though I do wish my photography adventures could prove a bit more fruitful at times! ;)

Trying to take pics up in the mountains on Sunday...!!! ;)

3.)To be more tidy and organised.. I am actually neither of these things, despite the fact that others have often mistakenly assumed that I am so. I am should see my room..general clutter and mess all over the place. ;) But I really want to change this as actually, my own disorganization and untidiness is believe it or not, often an indirect cause of stress or anxiety for not being able to find the important papers that I need as they are all mixed up with the other ones in my bag; or being under pressure as I have l;left everything to do till the last minute and I'm running out of time - whether that be in the kitchen, in general, college stuff, etc.

4.) In 2016, I want to rediscover the real Emmy. Not the sad, negative, depressed, weepy Emmy whose fake smile always hides a hundred tears. No..I want, this year, to find the real Emmy.  the positive, chirpy, happy, bubbly girl with roses in her cheeks and laughter dancing in her eyes. Because that's the girl who I know that I really am...but it feels right now as if that girl has been submerged in layer upon layer pf thick, inter-penetrable, grey fog. But this year...this year, I am going to do everything in my power to push through that fog, drive all of those heavy, oppressive clouds away. And let the sunlight fall upon my face again.

5.) Improve my doing a few things which I think wil definitely help me as outlined in my previous post on self-esteem. Namely, volunteering, and taking up a new hobby, keeping up the hobbies and pasttimes I love, and to not be afraid to reachout for support.

6.) Dispense with a.) obsessiveness, b.) perfectionism (to quote my close friend: "perfectionism is a bitch Em!" I could NOT agree more with her..wise words hun <3 ), and c.) negativity!!! :D

7.) Be more adventurous in my baking and cooking!!! Over Christmas I had such fun trying out new recipes and ideas which I had never tried making bbefore..and I fully intend to continue this on into the new year ;)

6.) And of of my biggg wishes for this year <3 go to Disneyland with Ange in the spring/summer....OMGGGGG :o ;) <3 xxxxxxx

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

It's say...that I will... xxx

Time. Such a short, plain, simple little word. But yet, those four little letters, in all their simplicity, point to a meaning representative of one of the most powerful and inevitable forces at work in the modern world. A force so palpable, so central to our existence; something around which the every human based society and community resolves and rotates; an entity so familiar, but yet, so mysterious. And so infinitely and inevitably transient.

As swift and as fleeting as a swallow on the wing, flitting across an autumn sky ablaze with the fiery colours of sunset; as transitory, and as short-lived, as the tender-skinned bud upon the quivering hawthorn tree, which no sooner than having emerged from the cruel, icy grip of winter's pitiless fingers, has blossomed and bloomed into the glorious, sweetly scented, dainty pink flowers of summer, overflowing and abundant in their unconstrained, unadorned, and flawlessly natural beauty.

Time, and fleeting, so short. So..precious.

It's hard to believe just how much things can change, in the space of a single year.

January, 2014.

Recovery wasn't even on my mind, that winter...I was at home, miserably ruminating about the next term that awaited me at college, desperately yearning for the beautiful, idyllic days of the Christmas holidays to not pass me by so quickly. I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to have to leave home, again. Go back to that place where I would be left free to my own devices; where I would e able to restrict, without any interference whatsoever. But I knew that I had to, and that I would, like the alcoholic who knows that drinking is the last thing on earth she should be doing, but goes ahead and does it, anyway. I knew that I would.

January, 2015.

Exactly a year ago now.

It felt, during that winter, the winter of the year in which I had first committed myself to recovery - I do have an eating disorder, I know that I should change, I can change, I am going to fight. I can recover...I have to try... only then to be officially diagnosed with anorexia at the latter part of the year, and to be told that, due to the severity of my mental and physical state, hospitalisation was essentially inevitable and obligatory - as if my whole world had been destroyed.

Everything I loved, everything that I knew, everything that I held dear, was going to be taken away from me. And all because of that...that thing, that thing which I hated, hated with all my body and heart and soul, but yet to which I still desperately clung to; despite the burning intensity of that hatred that would set fire to my veins and bring angry, hot, bitter tears to my eyes every time I heard its name; everytime I was enabled to recognise its cruel,remorseless, malicious, heartless voice. ED. And despite everything which had happened to me, everything which it had taken away from it, I still held on. It was the white-knuckled grip of a drowning girl, lost and alone in a roaring, crashing, monstrous ocean: the ocean, which I now saw as the world which I knew: a world capable of such beauty and sublimity, but which could also be so hostile, so unpredictable, so cruel. And Ed was...that jagged, slippery, treacherous rock, to which I clung to with my bare hands as the waves crashed around me, soaking me to the bone. And that rock was tearing my hands as I clung to it: leaving me torn and broken and bleeding. but yet, I still held on. I let go. But I could not. To let go...I didn't believe I would be able to make it to the shore. ED was still part of me.

.January, 2016...

And yet another year has passed me by.

Once again, things are different. 2015 was hard, so hard. But even harder than the actual hospitalisation itself, even harder than the pain of knowing that what I did to try and recover in 2014, was not quite enough to beat my eating disorder...even harder than that was having to accept that, despite everything which they put me through in that place, 2015 was not the year in which I was able to break free from my eating disorder.

But it's a new year and a new January. And I want to make this my year.

Because life is, after all, so, so short. So short, so transient, so easily thrown away, forever. To me, it seems as if the past ten years of my life have just slipped away from me, passing through my fingers like the finest, tiniest grains of sand. Ten years, trapped and imprisoned, enslaved by a tyrannical, malign, oppressive, malignant force. A force made even the more terrifying, by the fact that it was, essentially, a Voice: a Voice which dwelt deep inside, deep inside my very own Head.

In January 2014...a girl did not know that there was a recovery.

A few months later...she said, I know I have to give this a try.

In January 2015, that girl said I want to recover...

But I don't know if I have the strength, to make it to the beautiful shore, on the other side.

And the months passed and the days slipped away, and as the darkness fell she cried out again...I can't do it. I can't and won't recover.

But in January 2016, that girl said...I can, and will, recover...

Because that girl realises now, that she is running out of time.

Sunday, 10 January 2016

Take that,'re losing! :D Review of Week 1's progress! ;)

Hi everyone!!! <3

I thought it might be a good idea for me to write little updates every week on my blog, where I can review the progress I have made over the past week, reflect on how things went, and then finally make the all-important goals for the upcoming week and think about what and how I can improve on anything which didn't go quite according to plan.

And it makes me so, so happy to say this, but this week was actually, in terms of recovery, a really, really good week - quite possibly, the best I have had since embarking upon this journey of overcoming the relapse once again. I feel that this week, I have made real and concrete progress.And on top of that, I can honestly say, I have really, enjoyed the foods that I ate this week; and there was, especially towards the latter end of the week, a good few times when I was able to penetrate through the foggy envelope of weighty sadness which sometimes seems to be so integrally part of me, and catch a glimpse of real,untainted, true happiness. Like walking in the mountains with Mam and Benny yesterday,  just as the sun was beginning to slowly slip downwards towards the western horizon, through a sky streaked with clouds of purply greys and soft, creamy hues of lavender.
The view from the top of Capard <3

And so, if you recall from my earlier post, I planned to tackle a minumm of three ED rules for each week, taking each of them in this challenging yet fairly manageable approach until each and every one of them are completely and wholly wiped out. And so, how did I fare this week with my goals?

1.) To be talkative and chatty at dinnertime....
I had made this one my priority, as over Christmas there were a good few meals at which I was unable to talk or make any kind of conversation with my loved ones, as I was just so overcome with anxiety and could not bring myself to speak a single word as a way of coping. But this week, I have tried really, really hard to dispense with this: and thankfully, I succeeded. I did my bbest to ignore the anxiety and the constant, cruel taunts of ED in my head during the meal, and focus instead on talking and listening to my family, asking them how their days wen, offering my views on the film we watched over the weekend, and anything else that really popped into my head at the time. Now all I need to do is keep this up. Some of the meals were more challenging than others, its true to say, but I just kept on telling myself, this is my goal I can and will do I got through them all, and consequently afterwards, felt so much better in myself.
yesterday, during our walk, I opened up to Mam about how I had been making ED goals and explained how I had been trying very hard to be talkative at mealtimes this week as my top goal. Mam had smiled and squeezed my hand and had told me that yes, she had noticed and she thought I had done very well, gently encouraging me to keep up the good work and to persist in my steadfastness against the Voice. Her words meant the world to me, and made me feel as if I really had achieved something, and had made all my hard work worthwhile.

2.) To Ensure I have enough of the protein filling at lunchtime.
This one, I got on okayish, with, but I still think there is room for a little bit of improvement, though, when it comes to making lunch for myself. When Mam is around, it's fine as we would make the lunch together in the kitchen (lunch eing, usually in my house, consisting of rolls or baguettes or bread, which could be filled with whatever happens to be lurking in the fridge, whether that be boiled eggs chopped up with a dollop of mayo, tuna out the tin mixed with some canned sweetcorn, sliced ham or the leftovers of the chicken from the other night, and then of course lots of yummy vegetables like tomatoes or beetroot and so forth. ). And the past few weeks I have happily let Mam make my own one, and then that's fine: I eat it, I enjoy it, and I know that I am getting plenty enough, as Mam's sandwiches are always prper sandwiches and don't cut corners when it comes to fillings. But its when I make it myself..thats the thing I need to address, here. And this week, when I was making my lunch, I did try to stop and think: is that enough? What would Mam think? Is that an accetable amount?
So I did alright, but, I still dont think I was completely successful in this, either. Not as much as I wanted to be. The days mam was working when I made lunch alone, it's true to say that i certainly did put more cheese in then a few measly scraps, as i used to do. but still..was it enough?!! I guess its sort of hard for me, especially with cheese...what exactly IS enough? :( Any thoughts/advice on this would very much be appreciated <3

3.) Cleaning of plate and bbowl at dinner...
cleanng of my dessert bowl , I seem to have knocked this one on the head for good, Im pleased to say -compare this to about afew month ago, when the habit of leaving alot of custard and chooclate in my bowl was firmly established. I didn't fare too badly with the plate either: no prompting required this week to "eat that fish up emmy!" etc :D ! but as with the other goals, I know that I need to maintain this and not just let the good habit slip after only spending a week working on it.

And also, on top of all of that, I had a number of other ED victories which have served to further strengthen my resolve and contribute to my newfound sense of control over ED. These included having an Insomnia on Thursday, despite ED's efforts to try and convince me not to treat myself, as outlined in my previous post ;) . Also, on Friday evening, Mam made  a very creamy smoked haddock risotto for dinner, which at first, when I realised earlier that was what she was going to be making, did cause the ED voice to start playing up in my head (I am not a fan of smoked fish at all, and I knew that there was a good bit of cream in the recipe, as well as butter. So unsurprisingly, ED was trying to make me very anxious. Which I first. But by the time dinner came round...I actually felt pretty calm, in control, of my own self. And you know what? I managed it very well AND I still spoke and chatted away at the table!! AND I ate it all! Yay! Take that, Ed, you loser... POW!
and also, last but certainly not least...
Ganache Elf has found a new snack to have with her afternoon hot choc...something which I have never had efore until friday afternoon..but which I can honestly say I have fallen head over heels in love with now ;) that being.. toasted crumpets!! <3
Yes yes YES... here is my absolutely scrumptious afternoon snack from Friday (and I had the same for yesterday's as well!!) - a lovely hot crumpet, toasted and buttered and, err, peanut buttered by Mam (thank you Mam <3 ), accompanied, of course, by my usual afternoon hot choc. Oh my goodness - noone ever told me just how gorgeous these things are..I have been so missing out BIGTIME up till this point in my life! :p One things for sure, I think these will definitely be a regular addition to Mammy's shopping trolley now...or perhaps I should invest in some crumpet rings and endeavour to make my own!!! ;)

And are my Goals for Week 2...
1.) Continue to focus on putting in enough protein in my rolls etc. at lunchtime..and also to try to vary the filling every day. I think what's best to do is write it all out in my food diary so I know exactly what I'm doing.
2.) Continue with the cleaning of the plate/bowl until I have completely mastered it, and also...
3.) And I might talk further about this in an individual post, but I think it might be time for me to try and incorporate that morning snack into my meal plan, to have with my morning hot choc...
I know that that is going to bbe hard, though, and will be a massive challenge in itself for me. But I know that I have to try.

An just one more thing before I sign off...thank you so, so much for the kind, lovely, encouraging words of support left on my last post from Friday. They all meant so so much to me and I really can't even begin to thank you enough. I feel so, so lucky to have such thoughtful, caring and supportive readers and I truly feel that if it were not for you and your continuous and compassionate imparting of advice, insight, and support, I would never have made as much progress as I have done over the past few weeks and months. Thank you so, so much. You are just all so amazing. <3 (im all tearful and emotional now!! :'( <3 xxxx

Friday, 8 January 2016

It's over, Ed...and you don't have anywhere else left to hide...

You left me feeling so helpless... 

You never showed one shard of remorse, one single drop of pity...

It was as if I was being hunted...hunted by a voice, inside my very own head. Bent on my own destruction. Because that's what you wanted, Ed. You wanted to destroy me..

But now it's time for me to e the stronger one...
And you, you are the one who is going to be hunted.
And I won't stop or give up till I have sought you out and destroyed you completely.

We cannot survive with each other, you and I...
This, is where our relationship ends. 

Just some of my thoughts, on my way home from Dublin yesterday evening, sitting curled up on the half-empty, soporifically warm train, alone with just my thoughts and my little writing journal.

And before I knew it, I had began to write: transcribing those thoughts onto paper, another blog post already beginning to take form within my mind.

It had been a truly lovely, beautiful day. One which had challenged me, in many respects: but the fact that I had overcome that challenge, filled me with a renewed sense of hope; a strength which lightened my heart and lightened the heavy weights pressing down upon my shoulders. And it was a day upon which I had learned things, important things. Important things about myself, my recovery, and ED.

Yesterday, I went up to Dublin to see one of my closest and dearest friends who has, particularly since my relapse, been so, so supportive to me in regard to my recovery, and who has been consistently and unfalteringly stuck by me in my darkest and most lowest of days, when everything appeared so bleak and hopeless and futile, and all I wanted to do was curl myself up into a ball on the floor and close my eyes in the hope that I would never again wake up.In those moments, she was always there for me; even though she lives miles away and her life and work schedule are busy and jam-packed. But yet, despite all that, she has never failed to be there for me to offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, heartfelt and supportive advice and encouragement. A gentle, but firm push in the right direction, whenever she feels that I need a bit more than to get me back on the right track. And one of the many, many things that makes her so special to me, is her honesty, her openness, her sincerity.  I know that when she tells me something, that something will consist of the pure, unabridged, simple truth: nothing added, nothing concealed. Nothing is ever left unsaid between us.

Prior to Thursday, I had messaged my friend asking her what times of the morning would suit her for me to drop in, and we had settled on around 10 am, depending on whether or not my train got in on time (the chances of which were, of course, extremely unlikely: Iarnoid Eireann do their utmost best, of course, but I can't honestly say I remember the last time I got to my destination no less than 5 minutes late, unfortunately... ;) ). 10am...a time which, for me, marked a very important time of the day: the time when I would usually have my morning hot chocolate.. ;)

Now, I know that, for my non-Irish readers anyway, Insomnia coffee chain is something you will most likely not be familiar with. Anyway, I'm not going to make this post an advert for Insomnia or anything, but what I am going to say here is: if you, like me, are a bit of a self-confessed hot chocaholic, and you happen ever to visit Ireland some time and you pass an Insomnia coffee shop: just please GO IN THERE. Because their hot chocolate simply is... made in HEAVEN. I think they must use real melted milk choc in it or something (correction: I can confirm, that they do...I watched the lady who served me on Thursday ladle a generous spoonful of divine, satiny, glossy melted choc into the cup before she added in the milk...) and the resulting concoction is a smooth, gloriously creamy, indulgently thick hot chocolate which, quite simply, is enough to melt the heart of any diehard chocaholic, as effectively as the chocolate shards sprinkled over the top of the cup are melted and liquified by the hot milk... ;)

Anyway, to go back the original topic of this long-winded post. Now as I was siting there texting my friend, an all too familiar debate of sorts was currently ongoing in my head. Me, my own voice: and the voice of my eating disorder, of course...

Em. Get a hot choc before you go up to the apartment. Insomnia, Em. Your favourite! You've fought hard this week. You deserve it...

No. NO. No, you do not deserve it. Why would you deserve it? And drink too much hot choc. You need to give it a break, Em. And you'll save a it of bob by not having one. Don't, Em. You'll be grand. Not sticking to the meal plan for just one day won't harm you.

No. No..I want to stick to my meal plan. I want to maintain the good work that I've started, now. And sure, what difference will three euro make? It'll be worth it, Em. Your readers will be proud. You can do this, Em. You can. Don't - listen - to - the Voice...

No, no, NO! You shall not have it! No, you greedy, selfish girl! Sugar addict! You can't go without one hot choc for just one single bloody morning - ?!

I felt a sudden surge of angry desperation. I was so, so tired, of this. This noise, this constant exchange of heated, furious dictations, in my head. And suddenly I had grasped onto that sense of anger, and hate -  the hatred, for my eating disorder - and I was texting my friend and teling her that yes, 10 am was the time i would usually have a hot choc. And perhaps, before I came up to her, I would pop into Insomnia and get myself one? My friend was quick to urge me on, encouraging me to do exactly that and commending me for being so strong. "But make sure you get one now Emmy. I'll be checking when you come in!" And so...yes. I had done it. I had won another victory against my eating disorder...with the help and support of my friend. And so, subsequently, on Thursday morning the Ganache Elf was coming out of the Insomnia near Heuston Station, clutching in one gloved hand a cup of the best hot choc in town. And they even still had the Christmassy themed cups, which quite honestly are so adorable and made the smile upon my face even wider. A smile brought about through the knowledge that yes, I was doing the right thing. I was being strong against my eating disorder, and had taken yet another little step up the long and steeply sloping mountain.

And so: to summarise. In recovery, it's so, so important, to ensure that you are consistently "on your guard" for the various traps and snares left for you y your eating disorder, which is willing to adopt any strategy to get you caught up once again in its , and that you expose the ground upon which your eating disorder flourished and thrived; so that it is left right out there in the it pretty much, has not one single place left for it to hide. You have to hunt it down in order for it to be destroyed. But, like the pod of dolphins working together in the ocean, hunting out the shoal of fish, this is not something you should be expected to do alone. reach out to others and ask for their support. If you know that breakfast is something you struggle with...then make sure you let someone know and get them to have it with you (if possible, maybe they could have the same sort of food as you?) Or if you have a tendency to miss out on snacks. Then tell a supportive friend or family member, go out and buy yourself some nice snacks that you know that you like and will enjoy, and make it clear to others that this is what you intend to have. The more people you let in, the more support you will have and the eating disorder will have less and less places to hide.

Now, this post has got way too long already so I am going to sign off now!! But I have alot more to say on this topic and in one of my upcoming posts I would love to share with you some of my tips for exposing/hunting out ED and ED habits/behaviours.

Take that, ED!! Heaven in a Christmassy Cup!! <3 xxx

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

This is the Choice...the Choice which I have to make...

Choices. Something I have never exactly, been very good at. To say that I am indecisive, and that I struggle to make definite or concrete decisions regardless of what their context may be, would pretty much me an understatement. Especially, over the past few years. When it was possible, I would do my best to wriggle out of any kind of situation which would involve me making a choice or important decision, furtively hoping that someone else would do the deciding for me. Immature and irresponsible on my part, I know. But decision making made me afraid; for, no matter how hard I tried, I could not view the act of making a conscious choice as detached from the negative of damaging consequences which would be evoked through taking the wrong path or option. And then, of course, as was typical of me, I convinced myself, in my head, that I would always, without fail, be the one to make the wrong decision, and then those damaging consequences which I so greatly feared would come crashing down upon my head in their unbridled and terrible fury.

That much hasn't changed, for the past few years. Mallorca last year, going back to Trinity, deciding on whether or not to open up about my struggles or not. So many different decisions and choices, most of which involved alot of stress, alot of worry, alot of tears, even pain, because choosing, was just so, so hard.
So many, many decisions, so many choices...each and every one, which have impacted, in their own individual ways, upon my life.

But none of them, not one of them, can be equated to the one which faces me now.

It is the one which I know I cannot afford to hide from; one which I essentially cannot put off for another single day. And I know that there is no escaping it: or the hard, cold truth, of this one single fact. That this is the choice, the choice of which is going to have the biggest and most fundamental effect upon my future, my body, my life. Not just for short term. For years and years to come. For the rest of the days which I spend upon this earth as a living, breathing human being.

Late last night, when the rest of my loved ones had long retired to bed, I found myself still sitting up by the hearth in the front room, staring motionlessly into the weakly glowing, dying embers of the fire; a fire which had been so beautiful, so warm, so powerful in its former fiery vividness, with its golden-orange flames of liquid amber which leapt and danced upon the smoking logs. but yet now those flames had disintegrated into nothing but smoky, weakly glowing embers and sooty ashes; ashes which gave off as little heat as they did of light. A gradual chill began to descend upon the room, a chill which was pronounced and augmented by the now bare, empty corner where only just a day ago, the Christmas tree had stood in all of its regal glory, brightly lit and glowing, with as much warmth and radiance as that which had blossomed and bloomed in the fireplace, hours before the chill had began to tighten its hold.

But now there was no tree, no warm and blazing flames. My body suddenly felt so unprotected, vulnerable, fragile. I hugged my arms to my chest, feeling chilled to the very marrow of every bone.

But there was something else that was haunting me, then, freezing the blood in every vein,  I felt as if an ice cold, cruelly hand had tightened itself around my heart in one crushing, bloodless grip.

Because I know that, essentially, I have a  choice to make, now. A decision which I cannot put off for any longer; a choice, which can be made by no single other person but me.

Because this...this is it.

This is the choice I have to make. Right here, right now.

i can choose to recover, and reach, an accept, a healthy weight for my body.

Or...I can stay the same.

To stay the same. Entrapped, within the prison created by my eating disorder. To remain at a weight which isn't healthy for my body. To remain...sick.

And deep down, I know. I know what the consequences will be, if I were to take that path.

Depression, and despair, and isolation.
Ruined bones. A fragile, delicate, unhealthy body, damaged beyond repair. Too weak and broken to do the things that I love.
Dry, cracked skin. hair loss.
Exhaustion, fatigue, no energy to do anything.
Inability to focus, concentrate. Unable to think about anything, anything but those consuming, terrible, self-destructive thoughts.

And some of these, I have already experienced, for myself. Am experiencing. The days when I do not have this thick, heavy, suffocating black cloud of fogginess hanging over me, blocking out the light and enveloping me in darkness, are few and far between. I smile and try to put on a cheery face, not wanting my loved ones to see the pain that I conceal inside, locked away in the deepest and darkest part of my heart. Because of my eating disorder, I have become an extremely negative, self-conscious, lonely girl who is dependent on others to look out for her. College, once again, has proven to be a complete and utter disaster for me. I'm due to start next term on the 18th of this month, but to be brutally honest, I think it's highly unlikely that I have actually passed the first term. I have two essays to hand in next week...two essays, and to just look at them breaks my heart, because I know that they are not enough. Not enough, to reach the high standards demanded by Trinity.

And then...then, there is the loneliness. The isolation that my eating disorder has brought me...this is one of the hardest parts. Being in such a big, bustling university, surrounded by dozens upon dozens of bright-eyed, intelligent, sophisticated young people who appear to have the world at their feet. They go around in their groups of friends, talking and laughing and conversing, planning their next night out, arguing over where the best place is to go for lunch. But me...I am removed, from all that. To me, Trinity is a place of loneliness and bitter memories.

And it's true that ED is very good, at making me close my eyes to it. It'll be ok, Emmy. Sure of course being underweight has its negatives. But it's better than weight gain, right? I mean, look how ugly you looked over the summer..!

Because of ED...I couldn't accept this new, strange, different body..

And even if I were to make it manageable....a life, a life with an eating disorder. But what is to stop me, from falling, falling down, down and down into that yawning abyss, to hit the terrible, razor sharp rocks at the very bottom?

Do I want to live my life on a precipice?

And to go along that wrong path now...
Like the dying remnants of that fire,
I know that I will lose all my strength, all my light, everything that I have.

I am so, so glad that I finally found that inner strength deep within me, to make that decision back in November to fight for my recovery once again and prevent my relapse from deteriorating into something far, far more serious. Because that, after all, is exactly what could have happened.

I hope...I hope that through my recovery, I will be able to forge myself a new life path. One upon which I will be free from this loneliness, this feeling of inadequacy, of self-hate. One in which I will feel accepted by others as well as myself. One upon which...I will experience some kind of..freedom.

But I know that none of that will ever be possible, if I choose to remain the same, and not change. i don't know where I am really going right now, what 2016 is going to bring me. I might well fail college, and have to drop out. The loneliness might never truly leave me. Maybe I will be forever lost in these foggy, dark clouds. But all I know is...I am the one who has to make this choice. And I choose to give this recovery all I have got. I have made my choice and I have embarked upon that path, once again. The one which leads up this long, steep, hard, lonely mountain. And though the top of that mountain is distant, unknown, unfamiliar...I am prepared now to do what it takes, to get there. Because I know, without one shard of uncertainty, what a wrong choice right now will bring me. So I am going to stumble on right now, through the darkness and the fog...because I have made my choice, right now, and I am committed to it. because this, essentially, is a choice between life and death.

I have made my decision...
And this time, I will, no matter what, be turned back. <3 xxx

Monday, 4 January 2016

The Rebellion...

You are not allowed to finish your hot chocolate; it is absolutely obligatory that you leave at least some in the mug...
You aren't allowed to eat the whole piece of bread. You have pick some bits off it...
You can't have sweet treats during the day, as you eat too much chocolate in the evening...
You must not clean your bowl or plate...
If you have a big hot chocolate or snack too near lunchtime, then you can't have a proper lunch...
You can't have any more than a tiny handful of nuts. And always put some of them (half at least) back in the bag once you have measured them out...

Just a small extract, of the so-called list of  ED rules; each and every one of which I know, that I must rebel against and break down.

When it came into my life all those years ago, ED spared me not a single ounce of pity. So I guess it's past time for me, to play it at its own stupid game: to adopt the very same strategies and techniques, which ED used to ensnare me in its webs of falsity and deceit all those years ago. I need to be ruthlessly and brutally assertive, when it comes to fighting this monster. I can't afford to be the one who shows it any pity, now. Otherwise, I will be the one to lose this fight.

To make it a it more coherent for me I categorised them under a number of headings: dinner, lunch, breakfast and snacks, and finally a more general one. I'm not entirely sure how many to take on at a time..I was thinking perhaps three a week.

I know that I did make a post like this back in November Tear down those Rules . I looked over this this morning as I was finishing off this post, incorporating the rules I mentioned here before into my new "revised" list. Because I realise now that when I first wrote my original list...I unintentionally and unconsciously left out a significant number of these rules. Some of them are more hidden, vague or obscure, but this does not, in any way at all, make them any less real.

I'm glad to say that since I wrote that post, I have certainly tackled and addressed at least some of these rules, and seeing how I have made some progress since this time a few months ago does give me a true sense of hope and renewed strength. But talking is the easy part, I's in the action itself where the true challenge really lies. But I amdetermined to stay strong, and do everything in my power to make 2016 the year that I smash, break, tear up this thing for good. The Year of Our Rebellion...against the tyranny of ED...

walking at dusk with Mam and Dad yesterday...
I could almost feel, the sense of change, in the beauty of that evening sky.

And so, as before, I wrote out the ED rules in full...and then drew up another list, a list of Emmy's New Rules: the opposite of ED's ones. Starting off with the general ones:

Stick to my meal plan every day…
To not ever skip a meal, a snack or a hot choc..
To challenge myself by eating my fear foods..
To not hold back from trying new things.


Always have a good breakfast, as this is the one time I feel the most hungry..
If possible have it with others, but don’t make yourself go hungry either!! (unfortunately everyone else at home has breakfast about 10 when they're here..which is a it too late for me...I get hungry way before then!! :o ;) )
Vary my cereal from day to day
Have a GOOD bowl of cereal, don’t be stingy
If porridge/readybrek don’t make it too dry.
Toast: don’t pick off bits unless they’re burnt, etc.
Don’t feel I have to minimise on peanut butter. Have over a tsp!!


  • Vary my snacks from day to day..
  • Do not refrain from having scones/teacakes etc, just because Mam doesn’t offer to do them for me anymore…
  • If nuts, have a GOOD handful
  • If bread and PB – don’t pick off bits and have a good dollop of pb..
  • Dont be afraid of having certain snacks like the half bagel, or granola bar. 


Again don’t pick off any bits!!!
Vary filling from day to day. Don't always go for the "safe" option!!
• When making lunch for myself...ensure that I give myself enough of the protein filling!! This is the one thing that for some reason I seem to have a big issue with...think “if Mam was here with me now, what would she think if she saw this amount?”


  • To be talkative and chatty at dinnertimes. To engage in the conversation and not let the ED anxiety overwhelm me. 
  • To thank mam for my food..
  • To not pick off bits of food
  • To not push food off my plate
  • To not spread food around my plate
  • To clean my plate and my dessert bowl
  • To not take small, minimalist portions of potatoes or whatever is on the table for serving oneself. Ask Mam to help me if I am struggling!!
So, for this Week, Sunday 3rd January to the 10th: here is what I am going to primarily focus on and use for my goals! :D

  • I think the dinner ones for me are particularly important for me to address first..because there were a few mealtimes over Christmas which I strongly feel were spoiled because of my behavior :'( as in, me not talking or making the effort to communicate with anyone, just sitting there enveloped in impenetrable silence, letting the anxiety literally consume me. And I am really, really anxious to change this. So for this week I am going to focus on being chatty and as chirpy as I can manage to be at dinner, no matter how loud ED voice may get. because I know myself..there has been many a family dinner when I so desperately wanted to speak to my loved ones, but I could not; alongside the anxiety, I suppose there was also part of me which was going along with ED's conviction that I have to "bottle up" to make everyone aware of my distress. And besides, I am hopeful that if I make the effort to talk, I will begin to feel much more comfortable and relaxed. 
  • Alongside number 1 of the dinner goals...this week I am also going to tackle the third of the lunch goals. The reason mainly being that I know it is really, really important for me to make sure I am getting enough protein/calcium and I know full well that when I make lunch for myself...I do not give myself enough of the protein filling (ie. I would put in a roll a few measly scraps of cheese, less than a thin slice of ham, a small dollop of tuna mayo, etc.) So this definitely needs to be addressed asap.
  • The cleaning of the plate/bowl/mug: I will continue to work on this week. I know I've used this as a goal before, and I have had some success with it - dessert bowl is no longer a problem (i always used to leave some of the lovely custard :'( but recently I have addressed this and now there isn't a spoon of lovvely custard left in that bowl!! ;) dinner plate, still needs to e worked on - some nights I do, other times, not so well, and I have to be prompted to "eat that bit of chicken, emmy!! " etc. so the aim is not to have to be prompted anymore. I hate wasting food and I know that leaving stuff on the plate is just another stupid rule created by ED which has to be broken!! :D
As I mentioned before, a few of these new rules I have already been successfully putting into place for some time now, but as long as I continue to make progress, I guess it will be of no harm to incorporate them into my goals too, just so that I keep up to date with them. goes...the time for me to rebel against the code of smash the chains constructed through those rules, and set myself, and my recovery, free. Free to grow, to reach for the sky. <3 xxx

Saturday, 2 January 2016

The Storm...

One thing that never ceases to amaze me, is the extent to which an eating disorder can infiltrate itself into every single aspect of a person's life...the degree of power which it exerts, over the mind and the actions of the sufferer.

On Christmas Eve, following the unfolding of what had been, for me anyway, a very upsetting and bitterly disheartening end to what could have been the perfect ending to a truly beautiful day- that being, of course, the incident with the dessert which I referred to in an earlier post - I sat by the fire later on with my hot choc and laptop and endeavoured to write out a complete and brutally honest list of the ED rules currently present in my life. And I suppose that's when it really hit me, sitting there with this list in front of me: a list written by me, for me; and which, in its simplicity, made manifest the sheer enormity of ED's power and authority...over me.

I have to admit...I felt a dark, overwhelming sense of crushing despair building up within my skull, as I sat there, frozen in my little chair, staring at the page in front of me. There were many. So many chains and iron shackles for me to break, so many barriers which I have to tear down. Everyone else in the room with me were laughing and smiling and settling down to enjoy their evening in front of the blazing, cosily warm log fire. But for me, however, there was no warmth, no laughter, no smiles. No calm in my head: just a raging, ceaseless, pulsating thudding, as if my head was being bashed, again and again, against a bbrick wall. The fire might as well have not been there...for I felt chilled to the bone.

So many many chains...
so my head.
How will I ever succeed?
How will I ever calm this...storm?


The past few days here in Ireland, icy winds and heavy rain have battered the island from all sides, storm after storm rolling in off the Atlantic with the wrathful, violent ferocity of a starving predator with the scent of blood in its nostrils. The sun remained obscured beneath a heavy, suffocating cover of thick, interpenerable cloud; the rain, lashing down without relent, pelting against walls and windows to gather in grimy puddles on the ground.

On just one of those particular days, I had tentativvely crept to my bedroom window and had gazed out at the terrible, sublime beauty of what was a real winter storm in its unbridled and terrible fury. A wildness so...powerful, I could feel it as surely as if I was standing there, right out in the very midst of it, staring into the very eye of that storm and allowing the ice-cold rainwater to soak into my clothes and body.

The thought, of that...being out there, at the very mercy of such a wild, untameable, force of nature...was unnerving, to say the least, but I did not draw back from the window, but yet remained with one hand against the glass so that my fingers left small circles upon the condensed up, foggy edge. Afraid... but it was not the storm. Not the storm which held me there, motionless; like a frozen shadow by the window. was something else.

Because even though the storm did frighten me...what frightened me more was in that storm, I saw a startling and vivid reflection of my very own mindset. The outer mirroring the inner: the exterior reflecting the interior. Because that's what it feels like, deep inside mindset, my inner psyche, like a exposed winter landscape, rendered helpless to the pitiless fury of the approaching storm.

Emotions, as charged and as palpable as lightning, striking down to either side of me, making me want to flee out of terror of their intensity: to flee, in search of some safe, non-existent place; for I know that there is no escaping this storm, this storm which has blown up within my very own head . Sensations, washing over me like rain, ceaselessly pouring down all around me to create rushing, swirling whirlpools which threaten to engulf me in their wake and bear me away without pity. And then...then, there is The Voice. Screaming and howling its way across my brain, cutting and slicing its way through my skin with as much force and remorseless cruelty as an icy winter wind.

I finally withdrew from the window, shivering, an icy chill having suddenly spread all over my skin, causing goosebumps to appear upon my arms and icicle like sensations to run across my back. A feeling not unfamiliar to me; for this was how I felt just a few days before: the night of Christmas Eve, sitting by the fire with my family, but unable to feel a single flicker of its warmth. I just felt so...overwhelmed. ED appeared so big, then. So vast, so limitless, so infinitely, terrifyingly immense.

And the truth eating disorder is, like that great storm.

It is immense, it is vast. It is a terrible and potentially fatal disease which has claimed the lives of so, so mnay victims; destroying and crushing the lives of others who manage to cling onto the fragile strings of the thing that we call life. But. Please hear me now when I say...that eating disorders are not undefeatable. And, just like the can be faced. It can be battled through. We cannot let it hold us for any longer, entrapped within the fear of its power and apparent impregnability. We can, and will, fight our way though... <3 xxx

And I know that it is going to be so, so hard, to stand directly against that wind, to not let it keel me over. It's going to be hard, and scary, and pure terrifying. But I realise that that is xactly and precisely what I have to do, in 2016. by myself. Last year, things were different. I confronted my fears because I had to: I was forced to, in the confinements of the hospital; I didn't have a choice. but now, my situation is completely and fundamentally different. My recovery and my life are in my very own hands.

And I can choose to let this storm destroy me, now.

Or I can fight, and stand tall and firm against the wind and the rain.

I have to do the things which terrify me...confront them, straight on.

As for my list of ED habits and behaviours...

I am determined, more than ever, to work on it; for I realise, I can be stronger than the storm. I just need to find the courage to believe in myself. To not flee from the storm for any longer. But to step out and dance in the rain, and know that I am the one in control.

It took alot of willpower, and self-discipline, and strength, to build those habits and enforce them in my life.

But habits can be undone.

And if I was able to utilise all of that strength and stubbornness and self-control before...

I know that there is nothing in the world to stop me, from using those very same traits once again...only this time, to undo those damaging, obsessive, an destructive habits and behaviors.

Step by little step, we will make it up this mountain. <3
No matter how hard that storm may rage against us,
We will stay strong against those harsh winds,
And the clouds will clear, and the thunder will be silenced.
And then out of the mist shall rise our beautiful, golden sun.
a life of hope and promise and light.
which, like the sun that spills its light upon our earth...
may dim and fade at times, as clouds gather about it, blocking out the brigtness, darkening the light.
But that sun will never truly be extinguished...
The storm cannot, and will not, rage forever.