At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Different worlds..

Having written my previous post, I experienced some tiny sense of relief. Just to get those feelings out of my head, to not have to carry this secret around with me for any longer. because it's true to say that it is something which I have concealed from everyone; the extent to which the days I spent in mallorca were not at all as bright and as beautiful as that smiling girl in the pictures might convey them to be. Following our return to Ireland last year, the feelings that stirred themselves deep inside my breast, were not ones of happiness and joy: those ones which one can only ever really, truly experience in the aftermath of something so exquisite and so beautiful, that the mere fact that it is now over is enough to bring tears of gratitude to the eye. But no: these feelings were completely, drastically different.  These feelings were ones of intense and bitter sadness. Like a sharp little thorn prick, tearing deep into tender, vulnerable pale skin; embedding itself beneath; the freshly nicked wound which refuses to cease to bleed.

we had booked that holiday - a two week stay in the quaint Villa Selene; set in the spectacular surroundings of the Northern Mallorcan countryside - not long before my admission to hospital in January, one of the most difficult and challenging experiences in my life. My heart had soared at the thought of it, at the time. To a twenty year old girl facing her first ever hospital admission for treatment of anorexia, that single, beautiful shard of hope was like a sparkling, pure white diamond shining brightly in the pitch black darkness of the coldest and most harshest winter night.

I had believed, with all my heart and soul, that this was going to be my summer: my first summer, without ED. That I would emerge from the stuffy, uniformly white walls of my prison, as a changed girl. That this holiday would be the holiday: that, this time, I would step off that plane and feel the hot Mallorca sun upon my face, and be able to laugh, drink up that sunlight, in the knowledge that Ed was not there with me.

But of course, in reality, recovery is, or never will be, that easy.

And going into that hospital..I suppose, I had let myself slip into a dream world; a dream world which, I suppose, I still am very much lost in, even now, having learnt alot about myself and recovery since then. But my dream world is one which is constituted of elements of both the dream and the nightmare. Because along with the romantic ideals of what I so desperately yearn things to be like..there is thatother half, that other half of the dream world which I have become so firmly entrenched in. A hellish, dark, menacing land of thorns and rocky crags; strewn with withered, shrivelling flowers of dusky blood-red. And this is the landscape of my mind. does feel as if I am dying inside... There is just no way out of that world - you can't just simply "wake up". And neither, of course, can you flee from it. you can't escape the forces at war inside your very own head.

And so, here I am now. I know that all I can do is to keep going, even though at times I feel as if this battle inside my head is one which I just won't be able to survive. It is just so exhausting, so draining, so excruciatingly, painfully hard. And its true...sometimes, it feels as if I have no purpose. I'm just stumbling along looking for the light, but not even really quite sure, what that light actually is. What is...what is my recovery?  How will I ever be able to change the way I am?

I am longing now for these exams to be over and done with. To be able to walk away from the Front Arch of Trinity and inhale the sweet air of freedom, allow it pass into my body and enter my bloodstream; let it warm every vein, every bblood vessel, ever aveoli of my lungs. No more exams, essays or deadlines. No more shame and comparison and feeling like the inferior, nonsensical, useless girl surrounded by intellectuals. But I know, even as I look toward the summer with the warm touch of hope glowing in my heart, that there is a sense of poignancy and fear and intense, bitter loneliness. I don't want to be the loner anymore. At one time, it was me and ED and that, much as it pains me to say it, was enough, for me, because I was too sick, and lost, to care.

But now things have changed. I want to get better, I long to be free, with all my heart and soul do I yearn for rtrue, real freedom. A freedom which will make my heart soar like an eagle on the wing; a freedom which will be endure with me, mellowing and blossoming like a budding eucalyptus in the high summer. A freedom which isn't transitory and fleeting, to be granted only then to be stolen away once more, set on a pinnacle far out of my reach: a delicate little rosebud blown away from me by the cruel winter wind, forever out of reach of my desperate, groping fingers.


  1. Replies
    1. <3 you are so sweet huni thank you so much for always being there for me i hope you know I am always here for you too :* much love dear :* xxxx

  2. Dear Emily, how are you?
    I often look for some news on your blog....Read your comment on Izzy`s blog, and your new pictures ob fb... you are looking very very skinny (still), but also pretty!!
    Do you remember me? I am not on fb at the moment very often, because I`m going through a very hard time ( my bf has finished our relationship, it is only terrible...!!!)
    Much love and hugs and good wishes, stay strong and DON`T EAT LESS;

    1. <3 hun <3 how are you, I have missed talking to you so much! I did wonder where you had gone to and were you alright..oh hun I am so, so sorry to hear that about your bf .. I am here for you if you need to talk hun <3

      I am ok hun, I am still fighting hard, I plan to make a return to my blog soon and I will ugive you a proper update then <3 please stay strong dear, I will too, and don't worry hun, even though the anxiety is horrible, since writing my comment on izzys blog, I didn't lose my focus and I have still been eating plenty. Thanks for being there for me Theresa! <3 love and hugs to you :* xxxx

    2. O Dear, I really have to cry while reading your answer...! I would love to " talk" to you again, but at the moment I don`t want to look at fb because of my relationship...but I will, because I want to write with you again, if you `d also like ...!
      Dear, you are such a lovely and loving person, GO ON FIGHTING! This illness is awful, but you will manage to get over it- and me, too I hope!
      Kisses and a lot of love :)

    3. Aww no hun don't worry, I completely undertsand why you might want to avoid fb for now. Often I feel like that too - fb can have such a negative impact sometimes. I hope you are ok though hun, I am so sorry to hear of this, I really am; please know that I am here for you always <3 there is hope for us both dear, together , yes, we CAN overcome this disease! All my love to you hun :* xxxxxxxxx

  3. haven't heard from you for awhile. Hope you are OK. Email me if you want to chat. Love and hugs xo

    1. <3 oh dear Sonya it was so lovely to hear from you <3 thank you so, so much for your lovely comment. I know, I hvane't blogged for so long and I have missed doing so very much..but I am going to start again real soon I think. I feel ready for it now. I am doing really well hun you would be proud of me <3 I have made real progress and am still fighting hard. I only stopped blogging because I felt disheartened by my lack of inspiration and had convinced myself my blog was of no use to anyone . But I feel different about it now. I am wiser and stronger and I believe that my voice should be heard. All my love to you hun. I really hope you are well too, I would love to email you thank you hun <3 love and hugs back to you dear <3 xxxx

  4. You so are making a difference. People genuinely care. We never see ourselves as others do. I'm sure there are ed sufferers out who don't have support from loved ones. I wish they knew how special they are. But by connecting to your blog it helps them see reality and encouragement to keep going.
    I'm glad you are doing well. Proud of you xx

    1. <3 thank you so, so much dear Sonya , that really means so much. I wrote a blog post this morning for this first time in ages. Think the time has come for me to get back to doing what I love once again. Thank you so so much for your support. It really does mean so much to me and you have helped me so much in overcoming the hardest times <3 take care dear <3 xxxx