So...before I go off on a complete tangent AGAIN. I wanted to tell you a little about where I am at, now. Five months have passed since I initially set out on a new journey, my battle against the relapse.
Firstly, in regard to weight gain. as i mentioned before, I am more or less weight restored now. Mam and I are both very much determined that I don't get too caught up in, or bogged down by, an exact number or particular "ideal" weight. What is an ideal weight, anyway? Why should I live my life in fear of that certain number, the "threshold" which I cannot cross? That voice in my head is telling me now that I cannot go beyond this certain weight. But I know..I need to find a place where I am at peace with my body, but at which my body is at its healthiest, the best it can be. And this number could be higher than that which Ed has set for me. I know, in my head, what this number, this limit, is. Its what I am at now: Ed screams at me that I cannot go any further.
Physically, I am healthy. People might look at me now and see a girl who has recovered.
But I know my journey is far from over. I know, I still have many miles left to climb.
But just how am I going to do this? Well, I suppose now I need to take my own advice. To stay strong and positive, and believe that I can and will get there. And actively work on accepting my body and treating it right. I have made progress in this area already. I just need to keep this up now and work on every single one of my weak areas.
As regards to college...well, I got the results of the exams about two weeks ago. I looked at them, expecting , and prepared, to see a fail. A fail, because my second attempt at third year English in Trinity inevitably turned out to be as hard, as painful, and as exhausting as all the years which preceded it. I struggled. I relapsed. I faltered and didnt think I'd be able to go on. I was in as bad a state as I was, before I went into hospital last year. But then, something clicked deep inside me; and despite the terror and the pain, there was that little light. A little light which fed me strength, and courage, and hope. And suddenly little Emmy found that she did have the strength to stumble on.
I thought the recovery road had disintegrated into nothingness; that I had fallen from the wayside into a deep and bottomless pit from which there was no hope of escape. But it was my strength which allowed me to pull myself out of that abyss. The hands of my loved ones were stretched out towards me, and this time I reached out to them, rather than let them slip away from me. I tore down the walls that I had built around myself: walls of isolation and loneliness and pain.
I realised that I had to make recovery my new priority. Doing so was extremely difficult: it went entirely against my nature, for this time to put myself first. Branding myself as lazy and selfish and greedy...that was my first, initial reaction, and I very nearly fell right back down again. I was so, so torn; and indeed, heartbroken. I just wanted to get through this course, and make my loved ones proud of me. But I knew, if I dedicated myself to recovery, and exposed myself to the pain and discomfort and anxiety that recovery inevitably involves - my studies would take a massive hit. I was already struggling as it was; but to face the distress and pain of weight gain, while attempting to study at university, was something which I knew This might sound strange to a non-ED person, or someone who does not know alot about anorexia. Weight gain? Sure thats easy, some might say. The reality, of course, is the entire opposite. My new mission to gain weight following my relapse was every bit as painful and every bit as difficult as all of the times in the past. But I knew, that this time, I could not let college get in the way of my attempt to free myself from the thing that was destroying me.
Always , always remember...