At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 14 January 2016

My Goals, Hopes and Dreams...for

Happy New Year everyone!! <3

Now, I know I have already talked a little about what I hope to achieve in 2016... But today, I thought I would compose this wee outline of my 2016 goals and collaboration with a very, very special friend of mine who lives all the way across the North Sea... ;)

I could write page upon page of the things I love about Ange. Her ready smile and loving heart. Her ability to make me laugh till my sides ache, even on my most darkest and hardest of days. Her love of Nutella and her wicked sense of humour. Her beautiful, inspiring, incredible blog where she writes of her struggles and victories in her ongoing fight against her own eating disorder.One single blog post isn't quite enough to express just how special Ange is and how lucky I feel to have her as a friend. <3 if you do one thing today, please check out amazing blog. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will make you fall in love with Nutella again. It will compel you to look at recovery with fresh new eyes and realise the sheer power and strength that lies deep within the heart of every single one of us. <3 xxx

1.) My first goal is one which undoubtedly constitutes one of the most crucial and fundamental decisions I could ever possible afford to make for myself.

That being, of course, to make 2016 the year when I break free.

The year when I break through all those cruel and heavy chains; push aside all the thick and impassable barriers. The year when I tear down the walls which have imprisoned me for so, so long; the year when I let go of all the pain and the regret and the intense and bitter sadness. The year when I conquer all my fears and destroy my greatest ever nemesis: this monster, this monster which lives inside my very head; this malign, pitiless, tyrannically brutal demon which, for the past ten years, came so close to almost destroying me.

But now the tables have turned on you, ED...

I will be your prisoner for no longer.

I know that it would be unrealistic of me to say, that 2016 is going to be the year in which I fully and completely recover from the illness which I have had for almost half of my life. Recovery, as we all know, is a process that doesn;t take place within a few weeks or months; rather, it requires perseverant, dedicated, and steadfast commitment over a lengthy and  usually extensive period of time. But that said...I want this year to mark a crucial turning point in my recovery journey. I want to make progress this year...real, concrete progress...more so than I ever have done before.

2.)Take MORE photos with my super cool, battery-devouring, weatherbeaten relic of a digital camera (yes, happy birthday to my camera!! I have had it for almost 10 years!! :o ;)

Now I wouldn't consider myself skilled in any way at all in the photography side of things. Taking photos is, for me, something which requires a considerable amount of willpower: as I find it incredibly infuriating at the best of times. I'm that annoying, fumbling, tourist-reminiscent individual with the camera out in the forest or up to her knees in mud in some swamp like patch of bogland, who keeps on stopping to take pictures of everything and anything, an undertaking accompanied by frequent groans and muttered grumblings about  how feckin' terrible her photography skills are. Though it's safe to say: I do really enjoy it, all the same...I get so much pleasure put of taking random pictures!! ;) even though I do wish my photography adventures could prove a bit more fruitful at times! ;)

Trying to take pics up in the mountains on Sunday...!!! ;)

3.)To be more tidy and organised.. I am actually neither of these things, despite the fact that others have often mistakenly assumed that I am so. I am should see my room..general clutter and mess all over the place. ;) But I really want to change this as actually, my own disorganization and untidiness is believe it or not, often an indirect cause of stress or anxiety for not being able to find the important papers that I need as they are all mixed up with the other ones in my bag; or being under pressure as I have l;left everything to do till the last minute and I'm running out of time - whether that be in the kitchen, in general, college stuff, etc.

4.) In 2016, I want to rediscover the real Emmy. Not the sad, negative, depressed, weepy Emmy whose fake smile always hides a hundred tears. No..I want, this year, to find the real Emmy.  the positive, chirpy, happy, bubbly girl with roses in her cheeks and laughter dancing in her eyes. Because that's the girl who I know that I really am...but it feels right now as if that girl has been submerged in layer upon layer pf thick, inter-penetrable, grey fog. But this year...this year, I am going to do everything in my power to push through that fog, drive all of those heavy, oppressive clouds away. And let the sunlight fall upon my face again.

5.) Improve my doing a few things which I think wil definitely help me as outlined in my previous post on self-esteem. Namely, volunteering, and taking up a new hobby, keeping up the hobbies and pasttimes I love, and to not be afraid to reachout for support.

6.) Dispense with a.) obsessiveness, b.) perfectionism (to quote my close friend: "perfectionism is a bitch Em!" I could NOT agree more with her..wise words hun <3 ), and c.) negativity!!! :D

7.) Be more adventurous in my baking and cooking!!! Over Christmas I had such fun trying out new recipes and ideas which I had never tried making bbefore..and I fully intend to continue this on into the new year ;)

6.) And of of my biggg wishes for this year <3 go to Disneyland with Ange in the spring/summer....OMGGGGG :o ;) <3 xxxxxxx


  1. OMG *_* Emmy hun this is the most touching, heartwarming, lovely, wonderful, amazing, incredibly beautiful post I have ever read and the most gorgeous message I ever received <3 Thank you a million times, I nearly cried of happiness while reading those lines :) such wonderful words and in your poetic, touching style of writing :) I LOVE IT ;) <3 can´t believe those words are for me :) I wish I could come over to you now and hug you sooo many times for this ;) I am so happy huny..... *_*
    I could give all of this back my dear ;) I wanna go with you to Disney ;) 2016 will be our year ;) without Ed and Miss Mager ;) only Hot Chocolate and Nutella, right? ;) I feel so overwhelmed at the moment hun ;) so I simply say Good Night now and I love u a million billion times girliiiie ;) let´s make it happen ;) 2016 :) <3 <3

    1. aww huni I meant every single word!!!! <3 <3 <3 You are so welcome huni I truly do mean what I say though you are such an inspiration to me and I value our friendship so, so much <3 aww huni we will get to hug for real SOON though <3 this is it, this is OUR year and we are going to make our dreams a reality <3 Hot choc and Nutella rule hun, Miss Mager is the loser now <3 she is going DOWN and won't be getting back up again :D good night too hun sweet dreams <3 love you to pieces Ange hun <3 xxxxxxxx

    2. OMG I am so happy to hear this for real :) <3 I am so amazed by you Emmy ;) You are such a unique, special friend for me, who I am sooooo excited to meet for real ;) and make special memories like our Disney Trip together :) I truly can´t wait for it and I am so determined Miss Mager will go down in 2016 ;) let´s be us hun <3 forever and ever :) I love u to the moon ans back my Hot Choooociii girliie ;) xxx <3