Journey to the Summit

And so I sat in my little writing room with the laptop open and my fingers resting on the keys; poised to type, but today, the words would not quite come. I wanted to blog but the tiny number on the page view statistic page mocked me. Who cares about your stupid work Em? You might as well give up right now.

I know though deep down I will not. I will always be a writer, and I will be drawn back to it even when - as I do, quite frequently - feel disheartened or disillusioned about my work. Even if noone else is really reading, these words mean still alot to me. Releasing pain through my words; channelling out fears and insecurities out onto that exposed white page. It has always been healing for me. And that little number on the page view screen is irrelevant, really; my blog is worth alot more to me than that. What's important is that is the charter of my own recovery journey. And in chronicling that journey I hope that I help - or at least, have helped - many others along the way.

One thing I learnt as an English lit student is never to underestimate the power of writing. Over the years, ever since the first form of writing appeared, the written word has held the power to inspire and excite, to move not only emotions, but people and nations themselves.: to cause both the weak and the strong to look towards change.

And just like Luther writing his controversial pamphlets; and the Gawain-Poet composing his intricate, beautiful poems. I want to leave my mark, too. I want to make people pause and think. More than anything I want through the power of my words to bring about a real change.

So that's my bit of...warbling done for the day💙
Now what I really wanted to talk about is where I currently stand. Where am I in my recovery? Where do I now stand upon the mountain?

Well I'm climbing. I've climbed high enough now to be able to appreciate just something of that beautiful view.
There's fruit trees growing here, at this point upon the mountain. And I'm enabled to actually reach out and pluck their fruit with trembling, tentative hands. The fruit is as wonderful and as tantalisingly sweet as I imagined. But there is a clause, as ever. Only a few fruit trees grow here. The rest remain far up the path, only reachable if I choose, to go on.

I feel something akin to what I felt, all those years ago, on that sunlit day in late April, when the trees bore forth fresh new leaves the colour of polished emerald; and sweet fragrances, delicate fragrances filled the air, scents of moist earth and blossoming flowers; the fragrances which looked toward the early summer. And it was upon that day that I went with mam and dad to Kinnity in my beloved Slieve Blooms; to do a walk which for constituted my first proper ramble since getting my osteoporosis diagnosis. Having received the devastating news which for me, at the time, had had an impact easily equatable to that of a death sentence, I had been forbidden to engage in any form of physical activity until, at the very least, my weight had reached a certain point, and I had been seen by the rheumatologist for his specialist opinion.

But then came that day when the prison gates were flung open and the sanctions were taken away. My soul and my body felt like they had finally been set free.

We climbed to the midway point of the mountain, and I stood upon the sandy skinned rock of the outcrop, and looked down at the magnificence stretched out below me. I wanted to absorb every inch of the scene, down to the very tiniest of details barely visible to my vision.

Hard to believe that it's almost three years ago

that this picture was taken...

And oh, the feeling.

Looking down at how far Id come. It had taken so much out of me to get here. But now I had done it, and was enabled to perceive myself the wonders of that beautiful, beautiful view.

But then I realised with a jolt that we had not reached the summit. And mam and dad were walking on, not upwards, but along the little path that looped around the side of the mountain. As I watched, mam turned and beckoned towards me. Not today, Emmy, she had said gently. Not today. You're not strong enough, yet.

That day I was not strong or ready enough to go further, despite my fervent longing to do so. And in a way, that has how it has been since then, as regards my ongoing recovery journey. Much as I wanted to move onwards, I just was not ready to do so. The inner strength and resilience required was simply not quite there, just yet. But now, in this brand new year, I feel as if I have finally found somewhere in me that inner strength, which will enable me to climb higher, and higher.

The changes I have put into place, so far this year.

• I renewed my efforts to break down just some of the many, many rules that Ed established for me to keep me in half recovery. 
• I'm due to make an appointment with an endrocronoligist that I was referred to by my doctor in trinity. The cost of the appointment is enough to make me want to recoil, but I am going to make myself go. For too long have I ignored my absent periods, clinging to the lingering hope that they would eventually come back by themselves. I'm really hoping the consultant will be able to give me some advice as to how I should address this, as well as her thoughts on my current weight, bmi and diet.
• I've started the frightening but necessary process of tapping into my oldest fears and demons. The bloating, of course; of no longer being the skinny girl, and the compulsion to do x amount of exercise.  
• I'm no longer content to let ED manipulate my thoughts and twist them in a way so that I am constantly filled with loathing and dislike for my body. Rather, I am striving to accept. Accept and respect, and to realise just how valuable my body really is to me. And then maybe in time, I will learn to love. It's a long and hard road ahead but I know that some day I will get there.

What I need to do now..is...

• Gain the rest of the weight that I know I need to; and allow my body to be the healthiest it can be.                                                                                                                                               But this goal is by its own nature one framed by uncertainty. Just how much exactly do I need to gain? What is the "healthy" weight for my body?
• I'd like very much to find a little part-time job; a job which would then allow me to both earn a wage while simultaneously enabling me to focus on myself and my recovery. I'd like very much to commit to therapy. If only though I could find something. I've been looking since I returned home and thus far my efforts have proved fruitless.
• Dismantle the long-established beliefs ED long ago established for me, about myself and my body.
• Continue to break ED's rules and push myself far beyond his boundaries.
• Seriously consider as to what it is that is going to enable me to climb higher than I ever have done so before. 

Kinnity <3

Meal Plan Musings!!! ;) xxx

And so finally here is my meal plan post... I am so sorry for the lateness in this; unfortunately, with college as it is, I only have time to blog once a week at the moment😡

I wanted to share with you a few things in this post. Firstly, my new meal plan with the increases I added in this week. My weight's been going ok, but I decided to increase the plan again for a number of reasons..

1. I know that the more I eat the better AND I actually feel ready now to add these increases. I wouldn't say my body has fully adapted, yet - I still struggle alot with bloating and fullness - but it's not unbearable and I feel mentally strong enough to increase my intake once more.
2. I want to give my body, health, and metabolism 101 % chance of repairing itself. And in order to do this I think an increased amount of calories is going to contribute significantly to this process.
3. Being at college, I am still moving around a good bit; so accordingly it would be good to get in some extra calories in order to compensate for this.

One of my readers asked for some advice re meal plans. Having been recovering alone for a couple of years now since leaving Pat's, I could really relate to my reader's situation - it's can be really overwhelming when you are on your own and trying to devise your own meal plan; even more overwhelming, of course, to have to accept that, when recovering from anorexia, it is both normal and necessary to have to eat much more than you might be comfortable with. 

So I really hope that this post helps anyone who might be about to embark upon that journey; who has decided to commit to this difficult task. But please believe me when I say it will be worth it. But it has to be you who wants to do this. You have to want to follow this through for yourself. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a fall.

I learnt this the hard way. It's true. The past few years, since I started to recover...there was no wanting on my part. I didn't want it for myself and spent most of my time thinking how pointless it all was.

Small wonder then why it was never long why formerly blade-sharp determination very quickly became blunted, losing its edge and keeness. Small wonder then that the motivation which would at first sing in my blood very swiftly broke apart in my veins.

It's only now that my mindset has changed. It's only now that I have felt the first tiny, tiny, shadow-thin fragments; fragments of what I recognise now is that wanting to do it for myself.

And so every day I fight my unseen battle. Everytime I glance downwards and feel my throat tighten as I look upon my swollen, bloated stomach. Everytime I pour my milk into the measuring jug; every time I spread my bread and toast, everytime I eat that snack, even though eating might at the time be the last thing in the whole world that I feel like doing. Everytime I do these things, and more. I am constantly, constantly reiterating that fundamental truth in my head. Letting my own voice grow stronger, overriding and superseding that malicious sneering monotone which has oppressed me for so so long.

I have to stick to my meal plan because...

If I do not my oseteoporosis will only get worse..
My metabolism will be damaged and messed up..
I will never get my periods back..
I will be giving into my anorexia, an action which will make it all too easy for the ED voice to gain full control of me again, and get me back to where I started.


But anyway let's go onto the more practical stuff about meal plans.

just a small sampling of some of my top favourite ever foods..mammy's out of this world banana and custard with MILKA OREO 😍), Lizzy's specialty hot choc and my own roasted almonds still warm from the oven....💚

Making your own meal plan: the golden rules!!😊

• Adhere to the basic structure for ED recovery meal plans: three meals, three snacks, every day, no exceptions.
• The aim is for you eventually to be eating about 2500-3000 calories a day as a minimum (but see the third point below). It's very important to do this because it allows the metabolism to recover and also, bearing in mind all the damage restriction wreaks upon the body, it gives your body the vital energy it needs to repair and heal itself, too.
• I did say this in a comment but it's ever so important so I thought I had best mention it again here!! That being..if you have been restricting severely and have been eating a very low calorie amount for a long time, then you must NOT start eating the recommended calorie amount in anorexia recovery straightaway. This can cause refeeding syndrome, which can be potentially very dangerous. Instead start off with a slightly lower amount (say, 1500) and then gradually start adding more and more in until you are eating the full amount every day.
• Don't be afraid to eat MORE than the meal plan. If you feel hungry - whether that be physical or emotional hunger - just don't overthink it, just sit down and EAT. It doesn't matter if it's more than what's written on the piece of paper!! Remember, the more the better, ALWAYS. Bear in mind that in an inpatient setting, the patient essentially has to sit around all day and still eat 2500-3000 calories..and even then the weight gain process isn't exactly what you would call rapid. So imagine how much energy your body needs if you, like me, are recovering at home and still going pottering around the house, doing chores, going to college etc. So yes. Basically - eat. Eat as much as you can, as frequently as you can manage. Some people eat 5000 cals a day in ED recovery and that is OKAY. So no matter what the voice throws at you, KNOW you are doing the right thing. That little bit extra will just make you stronger. Stronger bones, stronger heart, stronger skin and limbs. A healthy, strong body: the most precious and valuable possession you will ever have.

And also just in case anyone wanted some Snack ideas...

- Sandwiches!! Yes. They ARE such good snacks..more than good!!. My favourite has to be toasted cheese and tomato...mmmmm <3 Mix it up by using different fillings, different bread types. Spelt, wholemeal, soda bread, and seeded multigrain are all personal favourites of mine. Fillings basically can be anything you want.There's no limit to what you can stick between those slices of bread!!
- Bagels..don't get me started about bagels..I love them. But I'm afraid Im kind of unorthodox in that I have them with peanut butter. And lots of spread and a good handful of seeds to sprinkle all over them.
- Crumpets. Oh. My. GOD I cannot get enough of those yummy, spongy, yeast-risen treats. Spread with loads of butterly and a great big spolodge of peanut butter....ohhh im in heaven!! 😍
- Teacakes, hot cross buns, scones and English muffins, spread with butter and jam.
- Your favourite chocolate bar. Homemade cookies or granola bars. Make your own!! It's fun and can be really motivating - the more you eat the more you get to bake ;)
- Nuts. But make sure to have the correct amount...a GOOD handful, about 30 g (and that's a minimum!!
- Yoghurt - natural or flavoured; add stuff to it - berries, nuts, seeds, cereal; whatever you fancy!!
- A boiled egg with a sprinkling of salt and pepper ;)
- Slices of cheese on crackers (Tuc have to be the best ;) !! )
-Ice cream....go and get yourself your favourite flavour and have a good bowl with some berries or chocolate shavings..mmm..💚
- Fruit..BUT I don't really think fruit counts as a snack by itself - try to have something with it 😊
- Cereal (with or without milk...though personally i dont think you can beat cereal and hot milk...sorry i know to some that might sounds disgusting BUT I absolutely adore hot milk poured over cornflakes or weetabix 😍

But in all honesty..? ANYTHING can count as a snack, really. Like my morning snacks are meals in themselves in a way. Like this morning, I got up, had breakfast by myself at 7 while mam and dad were still in the land of Nod!! And then at 10 they had their breakfast and I had my, haha, snack if you want to call it that...we all had boiled eggs and soldiers, which for them was breakfast, but for me was basically brekkie number 2. And I actually love eating like that now!!!💪

I'm not really one for asserting that there is a certain kind of snack that you should go for, that some are better than others, blah blah blah. But if you are struggling to decide (and I can really relate to you as ED indecisiveness is something I STILL really struggle with... :( ) then I would say. a.) Go with your gut feeling (excuse the pun). Deep down, I think you will know what it is you REALLY want. and b.) Mix it up. For me for example, I wouldn't tend to have chocolate as my snack, as I always have  a bar's worth of choc on my custard and banaan after dinner, hence I don't really feel like having it at snack time. Instead, as you can see from my meal plan, my snacks consist more of carbs and proteins with a milk-based thing alongside. and c.) perhaps take into account the nutrients your body might be deficient in: if, say, you restricted a certain food group for a long time. For me, this was protein foods - something which I regret greatly now, might I add, as I'm sure that was a factor in my developing serious osteoporosis - so hence, as you can see from my own meal plan, I try to add in some form of protein into each of my snack times.

And so here is my own meal plan!! Now I haven't added in the calorie amounts, as I don't want to trigger anyone with all those numbers - and to be honest, I'm genuinely not too fussed about the whole calorie counting thing. It's one thing that I never really have had any issues with. I couldn't honestly tell you how many calories are in 30 g of cheese without looking at the packet...and that's the way I intend it to remain. Afew weeks ago, though, I actually forced myself to carry out the altogether tedious task of sitting down and working out for myself how much my meal plan actually amounted to. Solely for the purpose of just making sure I was eating to the minimums.

Now I know that my meal plan will definitely not be for everyone and I don't want anyone to think that this is the "ideal plan" (whatever that is). But this is what I love to eat and what I think if working for me. It's loosely based on my old inpatient meal plan with my own little adjustments..the most obvious probably being that I don't take energy drinks anymore..don't get me wrong, Fortisip are great and if you like them they can be a great addition to the plan. It's just for me I was never that keen on them - they bring me right back to my inpatient days - and I can't really afford them either. But anyway...I don't think milky hot choc is a bad substitute at all 😍

A. Breakfast: 7.00 – 8.00.

1. Approx 125 ml milk + cereal (2 weetabix/2 shredded wheat/bitesize shredded wheat/shereddies/malt wheats/wheat flakes/muesli/granola/corn flakes/ready-brek/porridge etc etc etc.

2. Banana/melon/strawberries/blueberries.

3. 2 tbsp or more of peanut/cashew/almond butter.

4. X 2 wholemeal, seeded ormultigrain toast/soda bread/oat bread/spelt bread/multigrain bagel + spread ;

5. 30 g cheese/ 50g smoked salmon/boiled egg. Sometimes I stick the cheese in the toast and have that yummy toasted sandwich I was blahhing on about above.

B. Morning Snack(s ;) ): 9.00 – 12.30.

1. Soft or hard-boiled egg/30 g cheese/40 g tuna mayo/50 g smoked salmon/30 g hummus/poached egg/small cheese and onion or spinach omelette/scrambled eggs

2. ½ multigrain bagel/1 slice wholemeal, seeded or multigrain toast/soda bread/oat bread/spelt bread + spread;

3. Handful sunflower/pumpkin seeds

4. Milky hot choc/Miller Rice/Rice pudding/ hot milk with cereal

5. 30-40 g mixed nuts ;)

C. Lunch: 13.00-14.00.

Stuffed tomato, mushroom or pepper with 60 g tuna mayo/egg mayo mix/cheese + salad + dressing + cold potatoes, couscous, or rice

Or Soup (butternut/chicken and veg/tomato + cannellini bean/red lentil etc etc etc.) + salad and protein/roll/bread ;

Or Omelette + salad/vegetables ;

Or Frittata + salad/vegetables ;

Or Tuna mayo/egg mayo/ chicken salad with couscous/cold potatoes

Or Baked potato + baked beans/tuna mayo/cheese + salad

Or Pitta bread/Wrap + fillings

Or Boiled/poached eggs + salad/toast or both

Or Baked beans+ salad/toast or both

Or couscous/rice with chicken/cheese + salad

D. Afternoon Snack: 16.15-17.45.

1. Milky hot choc/miller rice/rice pudding/hot milk with cereals

2. Crumpet, spread + 1 tbsp peanut butter/scone + spread

     E.   Dinner 

1. Main course - varies depending on waht I/mam cook but its usually the basic protein + crabs + veggies.  
2. And then, of course...the most heavenly desset on EARTH (in my opinion!! ;) ) : a big banana, lashings of custard, and tonnes of divine chocolate, all melting and molten on top....😍

    F. Bedtime

    Milky hot choc 💛

I really hope that this has been of some help to anyone who is struggling...please do comment below if you have any other questions or require further advice 💚

                                     

On the Outside, so much has changed. But can I really change what lies deep inside?...

As I walk down the street I keep my head down and my eyes averted. I hope, futilely, that no one notices me. I hope that not one single person will glance in my direction as I pass down towards the library, hugging my copy of the Great Hunt to my chest. my long hair falls down my back in one long, uncombed cascade. My eyes are shadowed with dark circles; my face is devoid of any make-up. But it is not for these reasons that I keep my gaze fixed to the ground beneath me. It is not for any of these reasons that I walk as if I were treading upon glass.

I wonder what they do see; the ones who do happen to notice the girl who hurries by them so timidly. Would they just see a healthy, normal girl, a girl who is just in a hurry to get somewhere, and out of shyness avoids meeting any body's eyes?

If only, they knew.
This bmi, this number on the scales, an apparent indicator of healthiness, of being a step freer from Ed. But those numbers do nothing to change how I feel inside.

On the outside, so much has changed; since that day I committed myself to the gruelling task of gaining weight alone. My skin has a glow which wasn't there before; my hair is softer, stronger. My hands are no longer wrinkled and dry; the knuckles no longer cracked and bleeding and sore. I have a bust and my hipbones no longer protrude from my body. My legs and arms are no longer like thin little sticks which looked as if they would snap like a twig if I were to fall. I no longer look like a walking skeleton. My body has changed from that of a girl's, to a woman's.

If only I could say that I have changed on the inside, too.

Because that, I know, is where my illness really lies.

I'm not going to lie and say that peoples comments no longer affect me. Neither can I look in the mirror without wanting to look away again immediately, tears misting my eyes and a hard lump wedging itself in my throat. I cannot make myself like what I see: the healthy, strong body that I, through my own hard work and perseverance, now possess. Neither can I make myself want true recovery for myself. All along, I have been doing it, for those who I love and care for.

The last part of this mountain is steep and sharp-sided. The rocks here are jagged and cut me as I try to cross them. The hardest part. Yes. Here is the hardest part of my journey. This is where I stopped and gave up the last time: this is where, after having climbed so far and crossed so many valleys and gullies, I let myself fall down. for fear of what lay ahead of me; of the remaining gullies and rifts that faced me. The last part is shrouded in darkness. For though my body has changed, my mind is still the same: and this last part of the journey terrifies me.

If only the final stretch of this mountain was gentle and soft beneath my tentatively treading feet. If only the path that winds on in front of me was lined with soft sweet grasses, easy to follow and easy to tread. If only. But rather, what lies ahead is treacherous and painful. There are thorns which leave me bleeding; nettles which sting me and bring tears to my eyes. And now I know that I was wrong; at the beginning of this long, hard journey which I seem to have been travelling for so, so long. I thought then that weight gain would be the hardest part. But no. Now I know I was wrong. This is where the hardest battle of all will be fought.

But I know I have to close my eyes now and scramble blindly forward onto those sharp, jagged rocks. There is no shortcut or way around them; onto them, I must go. I know that I have to embrace this pain.

Acceptance...

Sunday. Sunday used to be...different, for me; then the other days of the week. I would wake, every Sunday over the past few months, with a feeling of tension; tautening every muscle of my body. Because Sunday was Weighing Day. Because Sunday was the day I would have to see, and know, my weight.

At the beginning of my fight back against the relapse, me and mam would get out the scales every Sunday afternoon: mam had suggested it, I had agreed to it; knowing, in my heart, this was the only way mam and dad would be able to ensure that I would not slip back on myself; the only way that I, too, would know for a certainty that I was actually gaining weight. And of course, I... hated it. I hated stepping on to that detested square object of bright blue metal, with its shiny surface and silvery buttons and the harsh, glaring numbers upon the screen at its very top. Numbers, which would jump out at me; as loud and as blatant as if they were painted in neon yellow. They were cruel: so, so heartlessly, pitilessly cruel. And the numbers would stick in my head for days after, taunting me, teasing me. You are gaining weight, the cruel voice sneered. You are going to be...so...

And thus, that was what I would endure, every Sunday evening. The fear, and the apprehension. And then, afterwards, the backlash of insults, hurled against me by ED.

And that's how it felt, at the beginning.

But now...

But now, things are different. I have changed.

the tables have been turned; turned by me.

And I never thought I would hear myself saying this, but...I am beginning to learn to not give a damn what the number on the scales is. I know what Mam's target is; I know that I am more or less at that, now. I'll find out today what the exact figure is. And that number....that number no longer terrifies me. It daunts me, a little - but no way as near as much as before. I no longer recoil with horror from that figure. I am beginning to learn, and recognise, that weight for what it really is. A number, and nothing more: save representing a rough idea of the weight at which my body is healthy, and able to function at its best.

To be able to accept my body and overcome the fear of being that weight which is my healthy set point...

This represented, at one time, an enormous, seemingly impossible, unachievable challenge, for me.

But I know I have overcome so many difficult challenges, before now. I gained weight by myself. I got myself back onto my meal plan, following months and months of restriction and starvation once again. I did it. It was me who had the strength. And now I know I have to draw on that strength again. Because I know that it is just a number. A number, nothing more. And it does not mean that I am ugly, or fat, or lazy. This number means nothing to my identity, to the person who is Emmy.

I am no longer afraid, of being at that number. The fear, I have destroyed...

All I need to do now is to find... the acceptance.

To learn to accept, like the little caterpillar must accept these strange new wings upon its back when it emerges from the cocoon, after the long, hard winter, a winter which it thought it would not survive. Am I ugly? It wonders helplessly. No, call the other butterflies, soaring in the sky. These wings are a gift. Your new body is a gift. It will lift you, take you high into the sky. You just need to trust those wings and let them grow and become stronger. You have to learn to accept them, accept the newness, the strangeness, the change.

And then the little caterpillar spreads its wings and flies, high into the sky, high towards the golden, glowing sun.

We can accept this, too. Because a healthy, strong body is one of the most amazing things that God can ever give to us.

One thing I have learnt in this post-relapse recovery, is this. You can and will conquer your greatest ever fears. You can, and will, achieve what you never thought was possible. For me, this meant gaining weight without a hospital admission, getting back onto my meal plan, and learning to accept my body at a higher, healthier weight. And I know that I still have alot to work on, but I know, that I am getting there, slowly but surely. And I hope, that by sharing my story with my readers today, that you will realise that you can do this, too. yes, you. You can overcome an eating disorder; you can and will reach the top of the mountain which is recovery. You can and will find acceptance.

Advice Post- sticking to the plan!! :)

Today I thought I would write the first (haha, or maybe not so. It's more than likely that I have written a postof a similar kind some time in the dim and distant past. I've just written so many blogposts at this stage I guess I am beginning to lose track of them :( !! ) of my advice posts dealing with certain aspects or particular challenges of recovery. And so here are my tips, based on my own experience of what has and has not worked for me, of how to follow/get back onto following a meal plan....

• One of the hardest but most important things you can do is to tell someone about how much you are struggling.

Yes, I know what you are thinking. "I can't tell them. They will be mad. They will be upset. They won't understand why this happened." But please believe me when I say this...recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in this life. And recovery without support is a hundred times harder. It is always, always best to be as open and as honest as possible with your friends, family and support system. They can only help you if you reach out to them.
This comes from the girl who took a whole six months to finally reveal the truth to her loved ones, about how she had relapsed on returning to college and lost weight as a result. And it was one of the most difficult and painful things I ever had to do, to tell them that, yes, I had relapsed, I had lied to them, I had fallen victim to my eating disorder once again, had allowed it to take control of me. But since that day I have not looked back once. I have been doing so, so much better, now that I have Mam supporting me. Because doing it on my own did, in the end, prove to be too hard.

But there is enormous power in togetherness and it was through that crucial support and help that I was finally enabled to find my feet again; to realise that I did, after all, have that strength and courage deep inside me. the strength of a great white swan, soaring upon the storm clouds as they rage and thunder around him. the courage of the young, delicate seabird who has stretched his wings and stepped over the edge of the cliff face, trusting himself to the winds, and the strength of his own wings.

• Write up the meal plan in full and stick it somewhere where everyone can see it.

It can be the fridge, the noticeboard, the kitchen door or above the doggy's basket on the wall if you prefer. Just somewhere obvious where you and the people you are living with will constantly be able to see it.

• Buy yourself plenty of the foods which you like and enjoy.

common sense I know, but I mean, what's the point of trying to force yourself to eat things you don't like??
Take my meal plan, for example, which is basically comprised of all the foods which I love to eat. I can honestly say there is not one food item on there which I don't like..no, quite the opposite!! And this, consequently, makes it much easier for me to follow. After all, eating toast generously slathered with peanut butter, or regularly indulging in numerous mugs of Mam's hot choc is something which, to be honest, I don't really find too difficult to do at all anymore, haha. They're just too yummy to resist, and I know that by having as much of these delicious foods as I want, I am only helping my body to repair itself, and basically doing the equivalent of shaking a clenched fist in ed's stupid gaping face.

• Tell someone about what you plan to eat today/show them your food diary for the day.

this puts pressure on you to follow through with what you aim to have. And you will feel under pressure and feel some anxiety, but just remember, thisis a "good" kind of pressure, essentially, and the only way you are going to destroy that anxiety is by directly doing that thing which directly causes such feelings of agitation.

• Make things in advance if possible, to lessen the chance of being convinced by ed to skip/"conveniently forget" to have something.

I know you can't do this for everything, but it's just something which might do for a few things, particularly if you are a person like me who hates wasting food. I am most certainly one of those people (maybe a bit too much so!!) and so the general idea of this is that if I were to get something out of the freezer, say, the night before for my morning snack..and then once its out the freezer and defrosted, then you have to eat it or it will just go to waste, essentially - you get the idea. As I say, this might not work for everyone and I know it still requires a good bit of willpower to actually make the food item/get the food item out of the freezer etc for starters!!

• Bakeand make your own meals/snacks.

again might not work for everyone but if you are like me and love to bake and cook, this is great as eating more and sticking to your plan consequently means you have more excuse to bake and experiment with new things. ;)

• Develop a sound support system and get as much help and motivation as you possibly can.

If I am feeling a bit nervous or agitated about a certain meal/snack etc what I usually do is go onto my Facebook and answer one of my messages if there is any..my closest friends are aware about my efforts with the meal plan and just talking to them and knowing that they are cheering me on makes such a difference to my motivation. And if I have the camera handy and I am having something which looks as delightful as it tastes, I often can't resist sending them a wee pic..like the Lizzy hot choc I had this morning for example.. ;)

• Reintroduce things gradually, don't take it on all at once. 

Start off with the foods/meals/snacks etc which you fund the less overwhelming. Once you get back into the routine, then it's time to start challenging yourself...
For example for me, when I started eating morning snack again with a hot choc. Well, first I started off by making sure I had a full mug of hot choc, every single morning, for abut four days in a row..and then I added in a small handful of nuts to go with it. In a few days again, a hot choc and a big handful of nuts. Then...hot choc, spelt toast and peanut butter. Then half a bagel, peanut butter and hot choc. And now? Well, now I can happily say that every single morning I have not ONLy a hot choc and a snack...no, now I have a hot choc and TWO snacks instead of one. Like this morning, for example: hot choc and a good handful of salted cashews at 10.30, then half a seeded bagel + tbsp pb at about 12.15. And boy did I enjoy it. And its true, that at one time - only a few months ago, so to speak - this would have been totally unthinkable for me. Yesterday while I was rummaging through some notes in my bag I found a diary in which I had taken some notes of my daily intake during the period back in October, during the period when I had started to restrict again. And I can honestly say, I was appalled, shocked and incredulous..let me tell you, one of the first thoughts that popped into my head - a few seconds after running my eye over the words and actually comprehending just how measly my intake was back then - was...jeez, that amount would NEVER be enough for me now..I'd be starving, if I ate that little. It just all goes to show that, no matter how big, scary or impossible change may be, you CAN do it and you should never let anything or anyone stand in your way. Whether that be fear, doubt, uncertainty; the cruel taunts of ed, dragging you down and telling you that you cannot do it. You CAN resist and defy all of them. Don't let anything stand in the way of your recovery!!!!

Anyway, ahem. Once again I seem to have swayed off topic somewhat. Apologies. ;)

• Establish a little routine.

For example , on Mam's work days, I always have my hot choc and afternoon snack when she comes in from work at 5.15 . Then we sit by the fire together and talk about our days. Likewise, on Mondays when Im at college until the afternoon, I always try to meet with a friend for coffee (or again, hot choc in my case!!! ;) for coffee at 10 am. Just little changes like that make it so much easier. Always , always try to eat with others..I know this might not always be possible, but whenever it is, do. Make others aware of your routine. My afternoon snacks at the weekends is always crumpet + pb and mam is fully aware of this..then she always buys me fresh crumpets from tescos on friday afternoon and we have them toasted later on after our afternoon walk!!

I hope these are of some help to anyone who is struggling with this particular branch of recovery...which is, I suppose,one of the most important and fundamental aspects to the physical recovery from an eating disorder in terms of nutrition and weight restoration...but which, at the same time, represents one of the most difficult. But hear me now when I say: difficult does NOT mean impossible...and there is absolutely nothing that you cannot do.

You can, and will, defeat the ED Voice. <3 xxx

Oh and one final point i felt that it was important for me to make. In my last post I included my own meal plans, all of which are loosely based on my ones from hospital (but altered, of course, to suit my own schedule and food preferences!! ) Now I don't calorie count but I would estimate that they are roughly about the recommended amounts for recovery (2500 + ). I thought it important to clarify here that if you are in recovery and about to start the refeeding process, it is very important that you do not go onto a meal plan like the ones I am currently on straight away as this could cause refeeding syndrome , which can be very dangerous. Instead you need to start off on a lower amount and then gradually increase to 2500+.

This is the Choice...the Choice which I have to make...

Choices. Something I have never exactly, been very good at. To say that I am indecisive, and that I struggle to make definite or concrete decisions regardless of what their context may be, would pretty much me an understatement. Especially, over the past few years. When it was possible, I would do my best to wriggle out of any kind of situation which would involve me making a choice or important decision, furtively hoping that someone else would do the deciding for me. Immature and irresponsible on my part, I know. But decision making made me afraid; for, no matter how hard I tried, I could not view the act of making a conscious choice as detached from the negative of damaging consequences which would be evoked through taking the wrong path or option. And then, of course, as was typical of me, I convinced myself, in my head, that I would always, without fail, be the one to make the wrong decision, and then those damaging consequences which I so greatly feared would come crashing down upon my head in their unbridled and terrible fury.

That much hasn't changed, for the past few years. Mallorca last year, going back to Trinity, deciding on whether or not to open up about my struggles or not. So many different decisions and choices, most of which involved alot of stress, alot of worry, alot of tears, even pain, because choosing, was just so, so hard.
So many, many decisions, so many choices...each and every one, which have impacted, in their own individual ways, upon my life.

But none of them, not one of them, can be equated to the one which faces me now.

It is the one which I know I cannot afford to hide from; one which I essentially cannot put off for another single day. And I know that there is no escaping it: or the hard, cold truth, of this one single fact. That this is the choice, the choice of which is going to have the biggest and most fundamental effect upon my future, my body, my life. Not just for short term. For years and years to come. For the rest of the days which I spend upon this earth as a living, breathing human being.

Late last night, when the rest of my loved ones had long retired to bed, I found myself still sitting up by the hearth in the front room, staring motionlessly into the weakly glowing, dying embers of the fire; a fire which had been so beautiful, so warm, so powerful in its former fiery vividness, with its golden-orange flames of liquid amber which leapt and danced upon the smoking logs. but yet now those flames had disintegrated into nothing but smoky, weakly glowing embers and sooty ashes; ashes which gave off as little heat as they did of light. A gradual chill began to descend upon the room, a chill which was pronounced and augmented by the now bare, empty corner where only just a day ago, the Christmas tree had stood in all of its regal glory, brightly lit and glowing, with as much warmth and radiance as that which had blossomed and bloomed in the fireplace, hours before the chill had began to tighten its hold.

But now there was no tree, no warm and blazing flames. My body suddenly felt so unprotected, vulnerable, fragile. I hugged my arms to my chest, feeling chilled to the very marrow of every bone.

But there was something else that was haunting me, then, freezing the blood in every vein,  I felt as if an ice cold, cruelly hand had tightened itself around my heart in one crushing, bloodless grip.

Because I know that, essentially, I have a  choice to make, now. A decision which I cannot put off for any longer; a choice, which can be made by no single other person but me.

Because this...this is it.

This is the choice I have to make. Right here, right now.

i can choose to recover, and reach, an accept, a healthy weight for my body.

Or...I can choose...to stay the same.

To stay the same. Entrapped, within the prison created by my eating disorder. To remain at a weight which isn't healthy for my body. To remain...sick.

And deep down, I know. I know what the consequences will be, if I were to take that path.

Depression, and despair, and isolation.
Ruined bones. A fragile, delicate, unhealthy body, damaged beyond repair. Too weak and broken to do the things that I love.
Dry, cracked skin. hair loss.
Exhaustion, fatigue, no energy to do anything.
Inability to focus, concentrate. Unable to think about anything, anything but those consuming, terrible, self-destructive thoughts.

And some of these, I have already experienced, for myself. Am experiencing. The days when I do not have this thick, heavy, suffocating black cloud of fogginess hanging over me, blocking out the light and enveloping me in darkness, are few and far between. I smile and try to put on a cheery face, not wanting my loved ones to see the pain that I conceal inside, locked away in the deepest and darkest part of my heart. Because of my eating disorder, I have become an extremely negative, self-conscious, lonely girl who is dependent on others to look out for her. College, once again, has proven to be a complete and utter disaster for me. I'm due to start next term on the 18th of this month, but to be brutally honest, I think it's highly unlikely that I have actually passed the first term. I have two essays to hand in next week...two essays, and to just look at them breaks my heart, because I know that they are not enough. Not enough, to reach the high standards demanded by Trinity.

And then...then, there is the loneliness. The isolation that my eating disorder has brought me...this is one of the hardest parts. Being in such a big, bustling university, surrounded by dozens upon dozens of bright-eyed, intelligent, sophisticated young people who appear to have the world at their feet. They go around in their groups of friends, talking and laughing and conversing, planning their next night out, arguing over where the best place is to go for lunch. But me...I am removed, from all that. To me, Trinity is a place of loneliness and bitter memories.

And it's true that ED is very good, at making me close my eyes to it. It'll be ok, Emmy. Sure of course being underweight has its negatives. But it's better than weight gain, right? I mean, look how ugly you looked over the summer..!

Because of ED...I couldn't accept this new, strange, different body..

And even if I were to make it manageable....a life, a life with an eating disorder. But what is to stop me, from falling, falling down, down and down into that yawning abyss, to hit the terrible, razor sharp rocks at the very bottom?

Do I want to live my life on a precipice?

And to go along that wrong path now...
Like the dying remnants of that fire,
I know that I will lose all my strength, all my light, everything that I have.

I am so, so glad that I finally found that inner strength deep within me, to make that decision back in November to fight for my recovery once again and prevent my relapse from deteriorating into something far, far more serious. Because that, after all, is exactly what could have happened.

I hope...I hope that through my recovery, I will be able to forge myself a new life path. One upon which I will be free from this loneliness, this feeling of inadequacy, of self-hate. One in which I will feel accepted by others as well as myself. One upon which...I will experience some kind of..freedom.

But I know that none of that will ever be possible, if I choose to remain the same, and not change. i don't know where I am really going right now, what 2016 is going to bring me. I might well fail college, and have to drop out. The loneliness might never truly leave me. Maybe I will be forever lost in these foggy, dark clouds. But all I know is...I am the one who has to make this choice. And I choose to give this recovery all I have got. I have made my choice and I have embarked upon that path, once again. The one which leads up this long, steep, hard, lonely mountain. And though the top of that mountain is distant, unknown, unfamiliar...I am prepared now to do what it takes, to get there. Because I know, without one shard of uncertainty, what a wrong choice right now will bring me. So I am going to stumble on right now, through the darkness and the fog...because I have made my choice, right now, and I am committed to it. because this, essentially, is a choice between life and death.

I have made my decision...
And this time, I will, no matter what, be turned back. <3 xxx

Love Your Body! :) Part 2

The second part of Love Your Body (I actually made this one up myself for a change, me being pretty unimaginative at the best of times...but I am really, really glad that I did don my thinking cap and conjure this one up!!) involves me listing the things that I like about my natural body; ie. the way my body is now that I have physically (there's a huge difference!!) recovered from anorexia. Compared to part 1, this was alot more difficult. Because my anorectic mindset is constantly trying to convince me, on a daily basis, of course, that now that I have gained weight, I am ugly, dumpy, chubby and unattractive. And that there is absolutely nothing to like anymore about myself, now that I have lost my "precious" skinniness. That I hate every single inch, every single fibre of my own body now. Yes. That;s what the Voice in my Head tries to tell me, every day.

But I know that is is all lies. Deep down, I know it is. I know now what I didn't know before: skinny is not beautiful. Being unnaturally skinny, I know, equates nothing but unhappiness, bad health, exhaustion, suffering. In my case, it meant weak, brittle, fragile bones, appalling concentration, liver problems, weakness and fatigue, dry skin, no energy or interest in anything, depression, isolation...to name but a few.

And so today I am going to defy the Voice in my Head, and all the lies and obscenities that it throws at me from the moment I awake in the morning, till when I go to sleep at night. I am going to list the things that I do like about my natural body. Because they are there, the positives; I just always tend to let them be outweighed and overruled by the things that I dislike. But this is where you begin, by focusing on those parts which you like, which make you, you. There might always be something which you will never be able to like, exactly, or which you will always be critical over - and that's okay, as long as you don't let it consume you and spend so much time focusing solely on them and hating yourself, your body, for it!!!

So here is my own template, a list of things I like about myself. I hope that you will all join in too - it's another crucial step to self acceptance and moving towards a more positive, confident and happier you:)

What I like about my natural body...

• My eyes - big and blue and sincere:)
• My dark blonde hair with the fair streaks, which is long, thick and lustrous. I have taken good care of my hair. I don't use straighteners or hairdriers and don't overwash it either. It's the one part of my body which I can safely say I really do like, and wouldn't ever even consider changing. 
  
• My sallow complexion - My skin colour is naturally quite tanned, and in the summer I go even browner. I think I get this from my Mam! ;)
• My eyelashes (they are kind of long!:) 

Of course, gaining weight meant that my body underwent many significant changes, and I now look alot different to the way I was before.But are these changes bad, ugly, and altogether, awful? No, of course they are not - it's just the voice of Ed who makes them seem like they are. All of the people who love and care about me tell me I look so much better now than I did when I was underweight. And I know that they would not lie to me. <3

And I am beginning to see for myself, that these changes are good, and that I do, look better. For example...

• When I was underweight, I had very bony, skinny arms. I hated them, biut of course I was way too afraid at the time to go and do something about it. But after weight restoration my arms are looking much, much better.
• And one of the best things about gaining weight..? I can actually say this with conviction - seriously. I've got boobs! Yes! I NEVER had them when I was skinny. But now, well, I guess you can see for yourself! :p
• I used to have really dry, cracked skin on my hands and on other parts of my body, too. My hands were espeially bad and could be very painful. i remember one of the first things my consultant ever said to me, having shook my hands on out first meeting at the clinic, was to comment on the dryness of my hands. But now it's a completely different story. I wil probably always have a worker's hands - a little worn from lots of washing up and cleaning (it comes withbeing a baker and I do like to cleran up as I go along ;) ), but thanks to the wonders of good nutrution, my hands lok and feel much better than they did when I was very underweight.
• My chest and ribcage were also very bony, and I hated them, but the way I felt about that was identical to the way I felt about my arms - hated them, loathed them - but too afraid to make that change. But now, they look so much better. I stil have my issies about this part of my body, but I know it is going to take time. I know now what I didn't know then...that skinny is NOT, and never will be, beautiful: happy and healthy are, and always will be. It doesn't matter what size, shape, weight or height you are: everyone is different, everyone is unique. There is only one YOU and YOU are beautiful. Take the time to love and respect your body for the way it is, instead of actively trying to change it, modify it, in order to look like someone else!<3xxx 

My treatment as an Inpatient...and a little Advice :) x

I spent nine weeks as an inpatient in a mental services hospital in Dublin. It goes without saying that it was one of the most difficult and challenging periods of my life, but I know, without one shadow of a doubt, that it was also an imperative and crucially fundamental step in the progress of my recovery, and a necessary one. I don't think I would have got any further up that mountain if I hadn't forced myself into the environment of a hospital.

Anyway, I thought I would write a little post about my experience as an inpatient before I go on to tell you more about my life as a day patient, as well as give you a few pieces of advice which I took from what I learnt there myself.

My treatment in hospital helped me in numerous ways. Firstly, it helped me to gain the weight which I was too afraid of putting on by myself. Yes, I had managed to gain weight alone at home, but it was  a massive effort which both drained and frightened me enormously while doing so. Also, my time as an inpatient forced to face up to many of my fear foods. I was prevented from doing any exercise. At first, the anxiety brought up by this sedentary situation was more than just a little overwhelming. It was so, so hard and I had lost count of the amount of times I told myself I can't do this. But then...then it became a little easier. A little, mind. It doesn't just disappear overnight. But I kept on telling myself that this wasn't forever and that, if I stayed strong, it wouldn't be long until I would be bak on the bog with my Benny in the summer sunshine, feeling the wind in my hair and the sun on my face and enjoying the feeling of movement in a way which was not obsessive or compulsive. And so I can safely say my hospital stay really did help me overcome my fear of resting and not exercising all the time.

My inpatient treatment also served to help me, in a numberof other different aspects of recovery which I know I could never have done at home. For example..I never knew that I was significantly deficient of many of the vital B Vitamins...and of course, the discovery of my osteoporosis was something I would never have discovered by myself at home, until it might have been too late, of course. 

I learnt alot there, on that brightly coloured, warm ward with the charming pictures on the walls, the squeaky clean floors and the flowery, thick curtains. I left the hospital on the twenty third of March 2015 as a maturer, stronger, wiser young woman. And from what I learnt I feel like now I have some advice to offer to you, regardless of whether you are an inpateitn or not, or what stage of recovery you are at. First bit of advice…when it comes to recovery, you have to focus on yourself. I know you might have heard this before but I’m going to say it again because honestly, it is so, so true. One of the first things I struggled with when I came to the hospital was comparing myself with the other patients there. What I ate, portion sizes, everything…it was very hard. If most of the other patients were having the fish and boiled potatoes for dinner, then I myself felt pressurised to do the same, instead of going for what I really fancied, the vegetarian option which was a cheese and tomato pizza with sweetcorn and a dressed salad on the side…like a sheep I felt compelled to follow everyone else. But then after a while I realised what I was doing was silly and wrong and wasn’t really getting me anywhere. Recovery from an eating disorder involves listening to your ody and ignoring that sneering little Voice in your head. It involves eating what you fancy, what your body is craving at that particular time. I think this is a very important thing to take on board in recovery, regardless of what stage of recovery you are at and whether you are recovering by yourself, in an inpatient setting or elsewhere.

Also…make a list of the things that you enjoy or which you find relaxing. Whenever the intrusive thoughts come in this list will be invaluable to you. So when you feel the anxiety bbegin to creep in, get stuck into doing something AT ONCE. For me this was always doing some work on my big personal collage. My friend had brought in a load of magazines and I could spend literally hours just going through them, cutting words, pictures, images, you name it – out and then sticking them onto my collage.

journaling is always quite helpful too I always found. Get those thoughts out on paper. It doesn’t have to be coherent or make any sort of sense. Maybe it’s just scribbles, maybe a long list of angry words. But the important thing is to get those concerns, those anxieties, those desperate, racing  thoughts out of you head and onto paper.

And remember...the nurses and doctors are there to HELP you, in every single way they possibly can. Therefore, it is so, so important not to bottle up and keep your true feelings and fears hidden and under cover. It's absolutelyt crucial that you open up to them. tryust is an important part of the recovery process, too. You need to start learning to trust others, while they need to begin to start to trust you. 

I plan on writing more about this stage of my recovery in future posts, as there is an awful lot to be said about it I suppose and I feel like I gained alot of insight from my experiences in the hospital which I feel compelled to share with the world. <3 xxx

Can I Recover Alone?

Recovering alone...something which I personally have an awful lot to say about, for, after all, it's something which I put all of my heart and soul towards trying to achieve. But I'm not going to lie to you and enthusiastically pretend that recovering on your own - that is, without seeking professional help or going into some sort of treatment programme - is easy, as this is as far from the truth as it could possibly get. Recovering alone IS very tough. Is it impossible? No, of course not (in keeping with my theme from the other day, it would be most inappropriate to state such a pessimistic affirmation on here!! ;) ) - and I know some amazing people out there who HAVE recovered by themselves without seeing anyone. No, the message I am trying to put across to you here is that recovering alone is an enormous task in itself, and is just as hard, just as challenging as having to go into hospital as an inpatient to receive treatment for an eating disorder. Some might not believe me when I say such things, but trust me, I know. having spent a total of roughly six or seven months trying to recover on my own from an eating disorder that has held me captive for nearly nine years, I can confirm that. But that's not to say it's impossible. It all depends on the individual. For me, personally, my eating disorder was very strong and well engrained deep inside me. And so consequently I guess this is why I was forced to seek professional help - and by god, I am so, so glad that I did. if I hadn't, I can honestly say I dont know what really would have happened to me...

Anyway, that's for another post I think...!!! What I wanted to do today and in my next few posts was to give anyone out there who has chosen to recover by themselves - I wanted to give you some advice from the heart. And no I am NOT going to start off by saying You should just go and see a doctor and get professional help as I understand completely the apprehensions and fears you might have surrounding such an action, as I was in the exact same position as you, at one time.

I too was very, very reluctant to seek treatment for my eating disorder because I was scared of the limitations that would then be placed on me, on my freedom, on the lifestyle that I loved. I suppose, reflecting on it now, I was also of the mindset that I wasn't sick enough to go and seek treatment, that I didn't need to...that my problem wasn't that serious. That there were loads of people much worse off than me.

Now, I clearly see the problematical nature of thinking in such a way. First and foremost, whether you like hearing it or not, having an eating disorder IS a big deal and is most certainly NOT something you should be light-heartedly dismissing.

I think your decision as to whether or not you should choose to seek professional help should also be influenced on the severity of your eating disorder and your actual physical state. for example, if you are very, very underweight, I would strongly recommend you go to your doctor right away...for it's worth remembering that being at such a low bmi has many extremely dangerous and, potentially, fatal effects on the body which might require urgent medical attention which you simply can't sort out by yourself.

That said, I also wanted to make this very clear...even if you aren't that underweight, or not underweight at all...that does not matter. And if you feel that it is the right thing to do, for you, please, please, please, seek help right away. Don't wait a minute longer, for the ED to take away another minute, another hour, another day of your life, another year. Because trust me, even if you don't consider your own eating disorder to be "That bad" (as I did)...it is highly likely you are underestimating the seriousness of your condition.Anyone with an eating disorder has a RIGHT to receive the help and support they need, no matter what symptoms they have, no matter what bmi or weight they are at, no matter how long or how little time they have been sick for.

An important lesson...

There's a few things that being in recovery has taught me...

I've always thought that having an eating disorder isn't unlike being controlled by a demon, a demon in your very own head. And just like those demons in the horror stories, the effects on the victim are both external and internal. Recovering from an eating disorder is not all about the physical. The restoration of weight, the recovery of all the bodily systems which are so adversely affected by starvation and restriction and overexercise and purging....these are crucial, of course, to proper recovery. but the recovery of the internal self is equally as crucial; and this is the part which many people may overlook or misunderstand.

What many people associate with sufferers of eating disorders, so to speak, are the more explicit or physical symptoms - being bone-thin, constantly purging or running several miles every day, eating less than a sparrow would in one day, or maybe not anything at all. Dry skin and flat stomach, ribs and shoulderblades protruding. And yes, some of these symptoms might be found in many sufferers..but not all of them, and it's so important to be aware of that. For there is as much going on inside of the body - deep in the complex chambers of the brain - as there is on the exterior.

The first thing that immediately springs to mind when I sit and contemplate this, is the whole preoccupation with food. From the moment I woke up each morning, to when I closed your eyes last thing at night...i was constantly thinking, worrying, and ruminating about food and mealtimes and such. What I would have, the little amounts I was going to permit myself to eat. When I would eat, how I would prepare it, what I would do when I was eating...how I would fool those around me into thinking I had eaten enough.

I know this might sound disturbing and weird to some people...but it's the truth. It's a symptom of having an eating disorder...and if anyone out there is reading this now and thinking...that aplies to me, too...Please know, that it is not disturbing or weird...it's completely and utterly out of your hands. Please know that you are not alone.

Perhaps, some people might say, that this isn;t such a big deal. Ok, you might think about food much more than other people...but sure, what's wrong with that? It doesn't effect your life much, right? But this assumption couldn't be any further from the truth.

Because the sad reality is, it does...in many more ways than one.

 Me at probably my lowest weight. People could look at me I guess and think, that girl might have an eating disorder.

But here I am at Christmas. I've gained some weight. Perhaps, people would look at me and think...no, that girl doesn't have an eating disorder. But this is something I think which is so, so important for everyone to be aware of.It's not all about what you see on the outside, when you have an eating disorder.

The real battle is the one that takes place in your very own head.