At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Day 10: 5 of my Goals...

1.) To recover from my eating disorder; and to live a life uncontrolled by the Voice inside my head.

I realise now that, unless I continue to fight my eating disorder with every breath in my body and succeed in making a full - not a half - recovery, I will never win back my freedom or happiness. Neither will I improve my osteoporosis or accept myself for the person I really am - that person being Emmy, the Emmy without an eating disorder...

2.) To help and reach out to those in need.

I know that there is alot of suffering in the world. In every single country of our planet, there is poverty, inequality, disease, homelessness. And the list doesn't end there of course. On a more local scale, there are many people in our society who may be isolated, destitute, depressed, or just in need of a helping hand.
I want to be able to make a difference in the world, some day...and as soon as I am well enough to do so, I am going to make this goal a reality. i am not sure how, but it is something I have set my heart on. Maybe I will volunteer overseas or become a community worker or get involved in some form of charity work. I'm not sure, I just know deep down this is something which means so, so much to me.

3.) To become a primary school teacher. 

this is the career that I have dreamed of pursuing; ever since my latter years of primary school. However, when things began to go wrong for me at secondary school, my dream wavered. I didn't think that I was good enough, and that I would not be able to do Honours Irish. So I turned onto another path, one which I was certain I would be able to succeed in...that being, of course, English.
Years on from that and here I am. And now I realise that I was wrong to give up on my dream. Nothing is impossible when you believe and once again I have set my heart on pursuing this particular career path. And I no longer believe that  i would not be "suitable" for this sort of career. I am friendly, kind, loving, patient and hardworking and I love being around children. All I need to do is fight and overcome my eating disorder, so that I can be well enough to start working and also so that I can stand as a positive role model to the children, someone they can look up to.

4.) To forge myself a life without an eating disorder.

At present I don't really know what that life actually is. What will it be like, what will I be doing, where will I be going. But there is only one way to find out, and that is to RECOVER. And I know that my life without an eating disorder will be like nothing I have never experienced before...but I hope that my life without an eating disorder will be one of freedom. Freedom, and excitement, and adventure...of laughter and fun and special memories, memories which I will cherish forever and will look back upon with happy, tearful fondness.

5.)To raise awareness about eating disorders, the world over.

When I feel that I am ready I really want to get involved in volunteering with eating disorder support networks such as Bodywhys. Through my blog and my writing, I aim to spread awareness about this awful mental illness that claims the lives of so many sufferers every year. I am determined to do everything in my power to stop the spread of eating disorders. I hope that by sharing my experience and telling my story, I will be able to make people more informed and aware of the complexity of eating disorders, and highlight the awful consequences they can have for the victims and their families. I never fitted the "typical" anorexic stereotype many people might associate with an eating disorder. I was never at an extremely low bbmi, I never vomited or used laxatives and I never went through a day eating nothing at all. But yet, because of my eating disorder, I have serious osteoporosis and very poor mental health. I had been restircting and overexercising for the duration of my teenage years and this had a very damaging effects on both my body and mind.
 My goal is to allow others to recognise that, regardless of how mild or severe a person's eating disorder is; regardless of whether they be underweight, overweight, or normal weight; and regardless of what different symtoms or behaviours they may display  - I want others to recognise that everyone with an eating disorder is equally entitled to proper support, care, and treatment. It's true, you might see someone on the street today and not think for one moment that he or she has an eating disorder...but often, appearances can be very, very deceptive; and so much can be hidden behind a smile and a cheery face. <3 xxx


  1. Some wonderful goals there Emmy. Keep fighting because I KNOW that you are strong enough to make every single one of these goals Happen. Xx <3

    1. <3 thanks so much hun <3 and thank you for your email too hun, I will reply later on today <3 have a great day hun <3 xxx

  2. You go girl! You can do it, I can tell by how strong you come across in your posts! Xx

    1. <3 thanks so much hun <3 your support really means the world to me and really motivates me to work hard to make these dreams and goals a reality! Hope you are doing okay hun ! xxx

    2. You're welcome! Anytime you need any advice or motivation I'm here for you! You can do it, you can make your dreams and goals a reality! Take care, stay strong xxx

    3. <3 thank you so so much hun <3 i hope you are getting on ok. lots of love from ireland <3 xxx

  3. Sorry I have been so absent for posting (and I am writing a reply to your e-mail ASAP!) exams!

    I just wanted to write a quick comment to say how much I like the blog challenges you are doing this month! I'm thinking of doing them on my own (I don't have a blog, but just to show my therapist), as I think it must be so therapeutic to write it all down.

    But I wanted to comment to say that YOU are one of the people I look up to (in response to your last post). I really love how real your posts are. You don't sugarcoat recovery, you admit that you struggle, you go backwards, you have your rough days, but you keep trucking on. It's so inspirational! I've been in a rut motivation-wise the past few weeks and needed to make a few big decisions. A few involved giving up some control which was so hard, but I just remember how strong you were when you decided to go inpatient and give up basically ALL control and how you battled through it and am trying to emulate that!

    And as to your post about your most certainly have a gift in terms of communication and writing. And by that I don't mean just the quality of your writing itself (which is amazing, by the way!), but your blog is so raw and honest and human. In future, if you do decide to get more involved in advocacy and stuff related to EDs I think you will make such a HUGE difference. Also, being North American I don't know what "primary school" consists of, but I assume it's the equivalent of our elementary school? If so, you would be teaching children when they are absolutely ripe to learn things like self-confidence, love and empowerment and I can absolutely see you passing that along. You are a very special person and you are going to make a difference. In fact, you already HAVE made a difference to so many ED sufferers.

    Don't lose sight of those goals. And no matter how bad things are, remember how amazingly far you have come. And know that you have already made a difference in my life, as I'm sure many of your other readers would agree!

    Huge hugs from Canada (where it is finally nice weather at last!)

    -N xx

    1. Awww hun!! This comment really really REALLY made my day <3 you are just too nice hun thank you so so much <3 and don't worry about that ! I thought that you were probaly busy with exams and such like! And I would definitely recommend giving the blog challenegs a go hun , they are extrememly helpful , they really force you to think hard and lok deep into yourself.

      I really don't feel worthy of such touching and sweet words hun <3 thank you so so much. Reading this really made me smile and feel so much better about myself. <3 thanks hun <3 lots of love and hugs and can't wait to hear from you soon. xxx