At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday 31 May 2015

Day 14: Think about yourself 1 year ago...how have you changed?

Hi everyone :) Day 14 of my recovery challnege!! Haha I know I am so behind in this, I do apologise!! Today, I am going to focus on the precise changes in my behavior and attitudes revolving around eating and recovery since early last year.

Just a quick note: I highly recommend doing your own version of a chart like this. Progress in recovery, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, should always be acknowledged. It is another step, another little victory over your eating disorder. Writing down a list of how you have changed in terms of recovery (don't feel as if you have to limit yourself to how you have changed since last year, though - it can be since last week, last month or two or eight years ago; whichever you feel is the most appropriate) is something which I personally find really helpful and motivational, as it allows you to appreciate just how much you have changed, how much you have overcome - and simultaneously, how much you CAN change and overcome.

You have proved to yourself that you can be strong, as I did. Believe me, I, for example, never, ever, ever believed that I would be able to go through a day without exercising for two hours plus...but I did overcome that fear, that compulsion. I fought that Voice in my head, and no, I didn't grow two heads or develop hives all over my skin! It didn't kill me, it made me stronger. And if I can do it, there is absolutely NO reason that you can't, too. When the urge comes, and you panic, and tell yourself that no, you can't do it: just stop. Stop, take a few long, ddeep breaths, and think. Think...what is the worsrt thing that can happen, if I choose NOT to follow my ED? Will complying to its demands make me stronger, or IT stronger?  Do I really want to live a life like this...a life controlled and dictated by a Voice, a Voice which is not my own?

Anyway, onto my own personal list of changes, of how much I have changed since, shall we say, early last year, when my eating disorder was at its worst.

Back then...
I would only allow myself to eat at most two full meals a day - lunch and dinner or breakfast and dinner; never all three.

But now...
I eat three regular meals each day. 

Back then...
I deprived myself of the majority of the foods I loved, and, if I did decide to perhaps "Indulge" on them on one particular day, I would not permit myself to have them the following day.

But now...
I eat all of my favourite foods on a very regular basis! For example, I can safely say I do NOT go through one single day without eating bananas, chocolate, and hot chocolate, my favourite foods EVER. ;) 
Insomnia HOT CHOC...made with real melted milk chocolate...my own heart melts at the thought! ;)

Back then...
I would only allow myself to eat lowfat or fat free products.

But now...
I allow myself to eat full fat milk, cheese, yoghurt and custard, and I enjoy them. I know the extra fat in them will only help my body to recover properly.

Back then...
I forced myself to exercise for a minimum of 2 hours each day; more if I could afford to.

But now...
I am learning to find enjoy exercise and practice it in a way which is not healthy or obsessive! And of course, I greatly reduced my physical activity as I recognise now what I was doing in the past was far from a healthy habit. This is mainly walking Benny with my family on the weekend afternoons, or taking my favourite springer for a brief 10 minute round of the field in the morning. 

Back then...
I had many different foods which I was too afraid to try, or secrelty liked but lied that I hated so that I would not be expected to eat them.

but now...
I have faced nearly all of my fear foods, some of which I now love and eat on a very regular basis. Cheese and peanut butter being prime examples!!

Back then...
I did not think I could possibly go through a day without exercising.

But now...
Even though a day without any kind of exercise causes me anxiety, I know deep down that I am strong enough to do it, as when I was an inpatient I was forced to rest and remain sedentary for days on end. I know that if I search deep down within myself, that I CAN be brave and strong against my ED anxiety. This problem of resting and not moving has always been one of my biggest issues in recovery and something I am hoping I will be abble to receive help with, as I do still struggle with this alot.

Me and Lizzy. <3 xxx


Ed always won. I always lost.

But now, I am fighting hard against the Voice in my Head. I want to reclaim the life that I loved, a life without an eating disorder.  <3 xxx

2 comments:

  1. Look how far you've come, you're such a superstar!!!!!!! Keep fighting, you're doing so amazingly well, I'm proud of you xxx

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    1. <3 thanks so much hun <3 <3 <3 there is still alot to overcome I know but looking back I realise now I have come alot further than I thought! take care hun :* xxx

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