At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

The storm will pass...

A massive thank you to everyone who wrote to me yesterday via comments and emailing - you made me feel so much better and the kindness and consideration you displayed in taking the time to write to me really touched my heart. Thank you so, so, SO much! And now, thanks to you, I have found the courage and the determination deep inside me to pick myself up, dust myself down, and keep on moving forward on the road of recovery.

And today, I am so glad to say,  things ARE alot, lot better - and as I sit writing to you now, it is almost as if the tears and hot anger of Monday never even happened.

I have told this to myself many times before, and I might have evn written a post at this stage, as well - but I'm going to put it out there again, as it's something which I myself need to CONSTANTLY remind myself of, and may be of help to many others who are struggling, too.

It's true, EVERYONE has their bad days. I don't think there is anyone out there right now, recovered or recovering from an eating disorder, who can say that it is all just plain sailing. It isn't. It is a difficult, often rough, and sometimes very stormy journey. And yes, there will be the days when the clouds gather in and the rain will lash down, and it might seem that you are eternally lost in an oppressive, inter-pentrable fog, of which there seems to be no end. In the heat of the moment, things can often appear MUCH worse than they actually are.

But always remember, the storm will pass. Tough times don't last, but tough people do. <3 xxx

It is very, very easy to fall into the trap of negative thinking whenever you are having a really bad day: I feel awful now; I will feel awful, forever.  I will never be happy again. She won't speak to me aver again now. They will never forgive me for what I have done.

My advice to you is to not believe these voices that run through your head, regardless of how convincing they are, or if a good 90% percent of you is in total agreement with them. DONT give in to them: allow yourself to have hope. And don't isolate or withdraw into yourself. Even if it's just a text or a Facebook message, talk to someone who you trust and who cares about you. And know that it is okay to cry.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I felt so drained, miserable and hopeless that all I wanted to do was to pull the sheet up right over my head once more and just stay there, stay there until the night came again - no food, no communication, no nothing - and then finally emerge once everyone else was going to sleep, so that noone would see me, or speak to me. A ridiculous notion, I know, but this time yesterday morning, that single thought was very vivid and clear in my head. But did I go along with it? No, I did not. The storm was raging inside my head, icy rain trickled down my cheeks as I contemplated what I should do.

There is nothing you can do, the Voice whispered, its voice cutting through the rush of pent-up emotions like a razor-sharp icicle being forced through soft, freshly-fallen snow. They all hate you. You will be miserable forever. There's no point to anything, now. There's nothing left to fight for. A massive proportion of me echoed that voice, believing, agreeing.

But before I really and truly did give in to my despair, I realised that there was another voice, too. Barely audible, weak, and wavering - but yet, it was still there, all the same. That voice said that there was hope.That I had come too far to just give up now. That I should get up out of my bed and face the day and have courage. To not isolate myself from my family, making no attempt at talking to them: in fact, to do the exact opposite. To stay strong and keep my head up, and to believe that, just as all my former storms and bad days and tough times did so, that this storm could and would pass.

And pass, it did. 

Yesterday I did a number of things, that helped me to get through that storm and enable me to step into the light once again. Firstly, I wrote a blog post. It helped me so, so much to just clear my head and get my emotions out onto paper; and then , of course, the support and words of advice that I received through the comments really made me feel so, so much better, and braver. I talked to several of my friends on Facebook and received their adv ice and thoughts as well. And then come noon, I had summoned up enough courage to actually go outside instead of just hanging round the villa, trying to keep out of everyone's way. I put myself out there, I went an talked to my family instead of just trying to avoid them. And by the evening time., the tension had eased, Mam was smiling at me again, we had a nice dinner with conversation and even some laughter: the storm had passed and I felt the sunshine upon my face once more.

There are only a few more days left, now, until my holiday here in mallorca is over, though I know that my journey of recovery continues on, winding and weaving like the narrow, steep country roads that encircle the cliffs of Cap de Formentor, the nothernmost part of the island of Mallorca - an island which will always hold a very special place in my heart; and to which I will bid a fond farewell as our plane ascends into that glorious cobalt sky on Saturday evening.

But as one of my readers pointed out to me yesterday, my return home poses an ideal opportunity for me to start afresh once more, in regards to fighting ED and keeping to the meal plan, and making myself stronger, healthier (physically and mentally), and happier.

When I return home I want to make a fresh start in...
  • following my meal plan - I have been doing alot better with it, but there's still stuff that I need to work on. Such as, making stuff for myself and eating alone(whenever I am unaccompanied or without support, I often end up being stingey or minimalist when making myself a meal or portioning out a snack...or if it's the latter, sometimes just skipping it and going without), morning snack, eating what I want to have rather than what I think I SHOULD have (big difference!!) , etc. 
  • Start doing hobbies that I really enjoy, old and new
  • Continue to blog to my heart's content:) and, having written just a little of my Morokia summary last night, as well as having just finished a medieval type story of knights and damsels and intricate historical detail, I am eager to have another "stab" (haha) at writing my trilogy again.
  • Start volunteering
  • Make a decision in regard to Trinity and, if I am not going back, to do some research and find out what options do I have.
  • To just enjoy the rest of the summer with my family and friends and wee animaux :) <3 xxx 
Walking in the mountains with Mam and Bennty, not long before the weekend we left for Mallorca <3 xxx


  1. I'm so glad that the storm has passed. Use this in the future, when you are in the eye of that storm again, remember that the tumultuousness will pass and you will be 'ok' again! Take care and enjoy the last few days of your holiday! Xxxx

    1. <3 exactly hun! It is a lesson well learnt i think hun <3 thank you so so much, take care dear! xxx

  2. glad your feeling a little better, keep going strong and enjoy the rest of your holiday :) xx