At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 19 July 2015

Another year, Another crossroads...but which path do I take?

Here I am again, standing at another crossroads; a crossroads at which I am faced with that inevitable, hugely overwhelming question, one which has been hanging on my mind ever since that fateful day back in November 2014 when I walked out through the Front Arch of Trinity, wintry gusts fingering their way into the hood of my coat aand drying the few remaining droplets of moisture upon my eyelashes and cheeks, so that nothing remained but the tear marks in my make up and the bitter, hard lump in my throat as I turned my face toward the sky. It felt like, a farewell. It felt like the very last time.

But...was it the last time? 

here I am now, physically, if not mentally recovered from anorexia: and I know that my time is now well and truly up. I can no longer put off this decision which has been haunting me, ever since I was signed off from Trinity on that difficult, painful day when my tears fell like rain and my heart felt like it was being cut open with a razor-sharp blade. I need to decide where my path is going to take me from here: I need to decide whether or not I will return to Trinity, to complete my English degree - and, if my time at Trinity is well and truly over, I will also need to figure out what exactly I am going to do, instead. 

There is a little Voice inside my head, telling me that yes, of course I should go back to Trinity. It would be the sensible thing to do, the most logical. And I agree, in a way. After all, I was two and a half years through that degree, before I was eventually forced to withdraw. To this day, how I managed to pull myself through two and a half years of a top-ranking university course with an eating disorder is beyond me, as I honestly cannot even hazard a guess at how I survived it. It was incredibly, enormously difficult: I remember all too well the pain, the tears, the isolation, the hunger, the fear, the anxiety; the sheer exhaustion. All I am saying is this: I think I was on borrowed time. I dont think there could ever have been a a chance of me passing third year. 

And I hated it. I hated every single moment of it. This degree which I had set my heart upon obtaining, this university for which I had spent hour upon hour pouring over notes and burying my head behind mountains of textbooks in order to gain entry into - it was nothing, nothing like what I had ever imagined it to be; what I wanted it to be. I felt like a ragdolldropped over from the safe harbour into the sparkling, glistening depths of the sea below - a sea full of nimble, able-bodied marine creatures which were able to stay afloat without effort or difficulty; but I, however, could feel myself drowning, slipping down under, down and down and down, into the fathomless depths below.

But are things different now...? In terms of concentration, ability to study, maturity, self-confidence; motivation levels, memory, independence..? Things that I am sure, come so naturally to other young students of my age. But not to me. 

I have changed, I have made many positive changes, and I know that if I were to return to Trinity, then that girl walking through the front Arch will not be quite the same as the Emmy who passed under that very grand gate, all those months ago, back in late 2014. She is different, but...alot still remains the same...



It's true, I have changed, alot, in the space of a year. My body has changed. The way I see the world, the way I see myself. But yet, i am not recovered from my eating disorder; the Voice is far from silent, whispering instructions in my head, instructions which I am forced to use every ounce of strength within me to defy and go against. Every day, a raging battle takes place deep within me, a bbattle which no other person can see, or hear, or sense: it is just me and ED, locked in this seemingly endless battle of wills...

And I certainly do not feel like a young woman of 21 years of age. And I still don't believe in myself, that I am good enough for what I really want to do. But I know, I have to make this decision. I know I have to choose a path, and that, once I do, that there will be no turning back...


  1. Just do what you want to do, and what feels best for you, there's no point in doing something your not passionate about.
    I too had to give up my course at university due to my mental health, i was supposed to go into 3rd year and it just seemed like so much of a waste of my time and money, that i never finished it, but suffering mental illness, made me realize the course wasn't for me.
    Now that your better, i am sure you will find your course so much easier and more enjoyable.
    whatever you do, do it for yourself, Take care xx

    1. <3 oh hun thank you so so much for your advice, I really appreciate this so much. Your words are so wise and insightful <3 I just worry hun as I still don't feel fully better, and I wonder how this will impede my performance at really is such a tough decision. Thanks hun for thinking of me. Take care and best wishes hun. xxx