At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

I didnt want this to change..

I dont really consider myself as that much of a reflective or philosophical sort of person, but today, as I arose with the ascending sun and pottered outside to my usual designated spot beneath the blooming bower at the back of the villa, the rocky coastal highlands to the north dominating my field of vision as I gazed towards the horizon, my mood became sombre and my thoughts began to race faster than a hawk in flight.

As I gazed out at the distant mountains, silvery grey peaks soaring majestically upwards, reaching for the blue, fathomless heavens above them, a wave of reflective sadness washed over me, leaving me feeling drained and despondent. Because I know, it is wrong, it is not right for a 21 year old girl to feel the way the way I do, about living at home, not being at college or in the realm of employment: or quite simply about life, in general.

Because the truth is, I dont want my life at home to end. My home is my safe haven, my sanctuary, my comfort zone; the nest in which my siblings and I - in that sweet, glorious summer of our lives termed as childhood - were raised and nurtured and gently allowed to grow.

Everything about my home to me is comforting, lovingly familiar, safe, warm, and unchanging.
Sitting around the fire on a cold winter's night, flames hungrily licking the logs and kindling placed in the hearth, while others leap upwards against the sooty blackness of the chimney, twirling and flickering like lithe dancers garbed in silks of dazzling red and and orange and gold. Cooking in the familiar, sparkly-clean, blue-tiled kitchen as evening shadows lengthen and the sun begins to gradually sink beneath the Slieve Blooms to the west; the delicate smells of herbs and fresh bread in my nostrils as I stir pots and lift hot trays out of the oven with my checked black and white oven gloves. Taking Benny out onto the bog on a sunny spring morning,the dew seeping through my shoes and the sharp nip of the dawn tickling my cheeks, while Benny's ears flap joyously like the wings of a young bird as he prances across the heathery expanses.

And I know that I wil have to leave it...but I don't want to, and am so, so deeply afraid of doing so.

For when I get back from mallorca, I will need to make a decision about whether or not I am going to return to Trinity, and, if I am not, I will then subsequently need to decide where the next twist in my road is going to take me.

I suppose I am just sad, and frustrated. As when I went into hospital I expected to come out and, as well as being fully recovered from my eating disorder (which I know, deep down, of course, that I am not), that I will also being more mature, more assertive, more confident, and ready to take on the world. But the truth is, I still feel very much like that scared little girl going into secondary school all those years ago, when ED first caught hold of my hand and beckoned me to follow him along the path which would lead to my very own ruin. I just hope that this month, I will be able to make the right choices - choices which will enable me to make some positive and generative changes in my life, and enable me to become independent. I want to be able to have my own income and start earning money, as the fact that financially I am completely dependent on Daddy only serves to fuel my sense of self-hatred and guilt. I want to pay them back for everything they have done for me, for giving me all the love a parent could ever bestow upon their child, and more - I want to make them proud. But at the same time I am so, so afraid of leaving the world of my home, of leaving the life that I love. And of course, I suppose it is made worse y the fact that I dont even know where I am going to go, what exactly am I going to do. Change can be as scary as the deepest and most darkest of winter nights, and certainly just as full of uncertainty.

I didn't want my life here to change...


  1. I can completely relate to this post. I understand your deep-seated fear of leaving home, into the unknown and I wish I could give you some deep and helpful advice. The thing that I have learnt to do is to go with your gut instinct. It is usually right. And if it isn't then you just make a mistake, which is all a part of life's long learning curve. It is part of you story, part of what makes you, you. Go with your heart, and take your brain with you, that will lead you to where you are meant to go. I wish I could be more helpful because I really do understand the dilemma you must be feeling right now. Thinking of you lovely. Take care and don't worry about these things for now, just enjoy your holiday whilst you can xxx

    1. <3 aww hun your words are so wise and thoughtful and speak volumes to me hun thank you so so much for sharing your insight with me I appreciate it so much <3 I will take your advice to heart hun for sure <3 Take care hun all my love and best wishes can't waitto hear from you soon <3 xxx

    2. You're welcome! I'm always here for you! I've just written you a letter, and will be posting it this afternoon! Yay! Hopefully it will be waiting for you when you come home from holiday! Love and hugs xxx

    3. <3 awww hun!!! That will be something for me to realy look forward to when I return home!! Thanks a million dear! All my love and best wishes <3 xxx

  2. Oh such a hard decision huuuunniii <3 <3 I absolutely can relate to you so so much according to this topic as I exactly feel the same about moving out :D it is so difficult to decide whether what is right or wrong :( but I am so sure you will do the right decision ;) follow your heart hun <3
    And until you finally do make the decision always keep in mind, your world and future will be so bright and beautiful ;) and for sure and of course without Miss Mager :) Love u sooo xxx

    1. <3 aww huni thank you so so much for your sweet and kind words hun <3 I am just so afraid hun, as I know deep down I don't want to leave home, as I love my life there so so much, but I just feel hun for a twenty one year old girl, that is not the way I should feel about it all :( aww I love you so so much too my cutie <3 :* xxxxxxxxxxxxx