At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Love Your Body! :) Part 2

The second part of Love Your Body (I actually made this one up myself for a change, me being pretty unimaginative at the best of times...but I am really, really glad that I did don my thinking cap and conjure this one up!!) involves me listing the things that I like about my natural body; ie. the way my body is now that I have physically (there's a huge difference!!) recovered from anorexia. Compared to part 1, this was alot more difficult. Because my anorectic mindset is constantly trying to convince me, on a daily basis, of course, that now that I have gained weight, I am ugly, dumpy, chubby and unattractive. And that there is absolutely nothing to like anymore about myself, now that I have lost my "precious" skinniness. That I hate every single inch, every single fibre of my own body now. Yes. That;s what the Voice in my Head tries to tell me, every day.

But I know that is is all lies. Deep down, I know it is. I know now what I didn't know before: skinny is not beautiful. Being unnaturally skinny, I know, equates nothing but unhappiness, bad health, exhaustion, suffering. In my case, it meant weak, brittle, fragile bones, appalling concentration, liver problems, weakness and fatigue, dry skin, no energy or interest in anything, depression, name but a few.

And so today I am going to defy the Voice in my Head, and all the lies and obscenities that it throws at me from the moment I awake in the morning, till when I go to sleep at night. I am going to list the things that I do like about my natural body. Because they are there, the positives; I just always tend to let them be outweighed and overruled by the things that I dislike. But this is where you begin, by focusing on those parts which you like, which make you, you. There might always be something which you will never be able to like, exactly, or which you will always be critical over - and that's okay, as long as you don't let it consume you and spend so much time focusing solely on them and hating yourself, your body, for it!!!

So here is my own template, a list of things I like about myself. I hope that you will all join in too - it's another crucial step to self acceptance and moving towards a more positive, confident and happier you:)

What I like about my natural body...

  • My eyes - big and blue and sincere:)
  • My dark blonde hair with the fair streaks, which is long, thick and lustrous. I have taken good care of my hair. I don't use straighteners or hairdriers and don't overwash it either. It's the one part of my body which I can safely say I really do like, and wouldn't ever even consider changing. 
  • My sallow complexion - My skin colour is naturally quite tanned, and in the summer I go even browner. I think I get this from my Mam! ;)
  • My eyelashes (they are kind of long!:) 
Of course, gaining weight meant that my body underwent many significant changes, and I now look alot different to the way I was before.But are these changes bad, ugly, and altogether, awful? No, of course they are not - it's just the voice of Ed who makes them seem like they are. All of the people who love and care about me tell me I look so much better now than I did when I was underweight. And I know that they would not lie to me. <3

And I am beginning to see for myself, that these changes are good, and that I do, look better. For example...

  • When I was underweight, I had very bony, skinny arms. I hated them, biut of course I was way too afraid at the time to go and do something about it. But after weight restoration my arms are looking much, much better.
  • And one of the best things about gaining weight..? I can actually say this with conviction - seriously. I've got boobs! Yes! I NEVER had them when I was skinny. But now, well, I guess you can see for yourself! :p
  • I used to have really dry, cracked skin on my hands and on other parts of my body, too. My hands were espeially bad and could be very painful. i remember one of the first things my consultant ever said to me, having shook my hands on out first meeting at the clinic, was to comment on the dryness of my hands. But now it's a completely different story. I wil probably always have a worker's hands - a little worn from lots of washing up and cleaning (it comes withbeing a baker and I do like to cleran up as I go along ;) ), but thanks to the wonders of good nutrution, my hands lok and feel much better than they did when I was very underweight.
  • My chest and ribcage were also very bony, and I hated them, but the way I felt about that was identical to the way I felt about my arms - hated them, loathed them - but too afraid to make that change. But now, they look so much better. I stil have my issies about this part of my body, but I know it is going to take time. I know now what I didn't know then...that skinny is NOT, and never will be, beautiful: happy and healthy are, and always will be. It doesn't matter what size, shape, weight or height you are: everyone is different, everyone is unique. There is only one YOU and YOU are beautiful. Take the time to love and respect your body for the way it is, instead of actively trying to change it, modify it, in order to look like someone else!<3xxx 


  1. You are absolutely stunning...Beautiful BOTH inside and out! Your hair is gorgeous and, although it wasn't mentioned on your list, you have a really beautiful smile (and I don't know if you've noticed, but you smile much more in your recent photos, compared to those earlier on in your blog)! But you also have a heart of gold and a beautiful personality! You are the whole package and never let ED tell you otherwise!

    -N xx

    1. awww hun! thank you so so much you are SO sweet and kind <3 oh yes hun I agrree! I do think I smile alot more these days! I have my tough days but I try really hard to stay positive <3 thank you so so much for your words hun, it really means so much,, I really hope you are doing ok yourself, email me soon hun with all your news <3 xxxx

  2. Thanks for this wonderful words, it is so hard to learn to love your body, I didn't like my thin body at all, but the voice tells me that this is my only right option. Thin or fat, black or white, these are my choices. You are such a beautiful young lady, be proud of how pretty you are! Kindest mary

    1. don't listen to the Voice hun, your body is your best friend, it will care for you always as longas you do the same <3 oh hun thank you so much, you are so sweet <3 all my love hun <3 xxxx