At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

The Girl who was Left Behind.

In my previous post from two days ago (The Child of my ED), I talked alot about my ED type immaturity, and mentioned that there was something else on Saturday, a so-called inner demon of mine, I guess; which caused me so much sadness and pain that night. It is at times like that night when I realise just how real these "demons" of mine are, how palpable an influence they hold over me. The other one is something which has probably been with me for the same duration of time as the immaturity, and has had the same kind of negative effect on me. This thing being, my own sense of inferiority.

For as long as I can remember, I have compared myself to other people around me and believed that next to them, I am more or less a nobody. I created an imaginary gap between myself and my peers, a gap over which I would never be able to cross; or even, reach over.

Like the majority of my problems, so it seems, this all seemed to evolve from my early days at secondary school. On that fatal first day when I first put on the cream-coloured blouse and green skirt of the convent school where it all began, I was a changed girl, in many respects. The difference between me and the girls around me was painfully obvious in my eyes. I was desperate, so desperate to make myself fit in, become one of them, to reduce this awful crippling sense of inferiority; a feeling that up to that point in my life had been alien to me; for in my primary school years, I was the confident, bubbly, smiling girl with limitless amounts of energy and rosy glowing cheeks, who did not, at any point, stop and contemplate about just how much better every one else was than herself. I felt equal, respected, and so, so perfectly content. But of course, this idyllic sense of tranquility was never going to last, and last it did not.

I didn't want to leave the happy, innocent little world of my childhood. But growing up is a cruel, cruel thing.

I did everything, everything I could possibly think of, to integrate myself into the new, unfamiliar, and undeniably frightening new world in which I now found myself, lost and alone and afraid, trying desperately not to drown. It was all I could do, to merely keep my head abbove the water, to stay afloat.

I rolled up my skirt at the waist so that it hung above the knee, even though I wasn't even really that sure why I was exactly doing this, at first: but all the other girls did it, so it didn't really matter if the meaning behind such an action was not clear at the present time: all I had to do was mimic them without question, and then, I believed, I would be that one tiny bit less inferior. I abandoned my childhood stories of animals and adventures which I had been working diligently on throughout the summer; projects which at one time had given me so much joy and pleasure. But, once that golden, glorious summer ended and my time at secondary school began, I forsook them entirely, terrified that such a hobby was plain babyish. I resolved to study as hard as I possibly could, anxious to achieve high grades and not become a class clown; desperate to make myself become more than the boring, ugly, stupid girl which I saw myself as being. Who I thought, that surely everyone esle was going to see me as, too, if I did not make some sort of radical change. And then...another thought, a seemingly so innocent, wonderfully simple, uncomplicated little thought came to me. How about if...if I made myself thinner? Then, perhaps, I would feel less inferior? If I replaced what I regarded as being my dumpy, unattractive, plump figure with one which was slim and toned and slender. Which was beautiful.

My eating disorder beckoned with a hand which was as inviting and as shiny as silver. Just as shiny, and just as cold. But I took that hand, and hence allowed anorexia to lead me along a path which appeared, at first, so smooth and shiny and oh, so perfect. But in reality, of course, that golden path soon became strewn with thorns which tore at my skin and left me bleeding. The world moved on, the friends and acquaintances I knew in school matured and grew and shone like stars. But I was the girl who got left behind, trapped on a road strewn with thorns and pain and tears.

When I left school and started my new life at Trinity, things did not improve, of course. If anything it got worse.

And now, I am haunted by this sense of worthlessness, inadequacy, inferiority. For example, on the very brief night out I had at the weekend, I was too deeply immersed in the depths of my own self-criticism to even begin to enjoy myself. And there was a boundary there, an invisible boundary which noone else could or would ever be able to perceive. In a way it feels as if I am in an entirely different world; trapped, isolated and alone, in a desolate, hostile universe of my own making.

It is so hard, so hard to even try to put my finger on it; to describe the way I feel. I is as if the girl who is me, the girl who is Emmy, it is almost as if she should have been born in a different world, in a different time, in a different place. I probably should have come into being in an age when women and girls did not have the independence and the equality that they have now: as I am simply useless at taking advantage of those two things, for one thing. I am unable to make my own decisions - the Trinity one still hangs above my head, undecided and unresolved - and as for independence, well, its virtually non-existent; all because of myself. There is such an enormous difference, between me and other young women of my own age. My personality, my mindset, the way I think and feel about myself, the way I look, the way I live my probably would have been more suited to a world like that protrayed in my beloved Morokia, or maybe even, that of Arthur Ransom's Swallows and Amazons, with the children playing innocently on boats and builidng fires and tents in the woods. A simple, tranquil, innocent world.

If only I could bridge that gap, that gap I have made for myself, from all those around me. But I - nno one else, just I, by myself -  have widened and deepened that gap so severely over the years. And I fear that I am too afraid to make that leap.


  1. This post breaks my heart. I have written and re-written this comment about 10 times trying to figure out how to phrase what I want to say.

    Emmy, this ED began because you felt inferior, because you felt like you needed to change. So you did. And look where it left you.

    In this post you write about feeling different, feeling inferior, feeling childish and immature. There is a common theme there: "feeling". You are NOT different, you are NOT immature, you are NOT inferior. Instead of beating yourself up because you think you don't fit in, or you think you're inferior remember the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission". No one else thinks you are immature or inferior, this is entirely YOU imagining what they think. Obviously I haven't met you in person, but I can say that from reading your blogs and e-mails I never would call you inferior or different or immature!

    Everyone is unique! Loving fantasy stories, a passion for medieval times, loving nature, NOT liking going out to wild parties, they are just part of what makes you YOU! You're an awesome person and there are so so so many good things about you! You're kind, you're empathetic, you're strong, you're great with animals, you're a phenomenal baker, you are probably the most poetic writer I have ever come across, you have incredible insight, you're friendly...I could go on and on.

    So the problem here ISN'T you, the problem is how you perceive yourself. Trying to change, trying to make yourself into someone you are not WON'T solve anything, remember this is how you got into this mess! Instead, you need to focus on learning to love yourself! You need to learn to appreciate what a great person you are. You need to learn to OWN those traits that you think make you immature!

    As an example, my sister is probably the coolest person I know. I look up to her in so many ways, words cannot describe how incredible I think she is. But you know what? She's obsessed with cats, she still eats only "kid" foods, she wears crazy socks, she loves watching cartoons. Does that make her childlike and immature? Hell no! Because she loves her quirks and they are part of what makes her so awesome!

    The only thing that is wrong here is your self confidence. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not try and change. When I look back at pre-ED me I am in awe of her. That girl wore pants at school when everyone else wore a skirt, that girl refused to wear makeup, that girl didn't follow trends or fads, and that girl stood up for what she believed in. She was unapologetically herself. I wish I could go back to being that girl, and I truly believe that I will one day. Because the greatest accomplishment is being true to yourself when everyone in society thinks you should be another way.

    Do you want to spend the rest of your life working hard to be something you are not, focusing all the time on what you say, how you act, what you do? Or do you want to be free, to be yourself, to enjoy life! To feel confident in who you are, to know that others like you for exactly the way you are!

    Sorry this comment is so long, I just feel so passionately about this. Learn to love who you are Emmy, as you're a pretty awesome person in my opinion. And don't EVER let anyone (especially yourself) tell you otherwise.

    -N xx

  2. Sorry, that comment sounds really harsh. It wasn't meant to be!

    1. <3 hun , i was absolutely overwhelmed with emotion when I read your comment, you are just so, so kind!! Thanks so so much hun <3 and no hun , please don't apologise!! I think in all honesty this is what I needed, really...I sometimes feel so lost in my own sadness hun it takes a comment like yours to shake me out of my melancholy. I am so so grateful to you hun. What you wrote here, was just simply, incredible!! You are just so so insightful hun, you really are, I cant tell you enough how much I appreciate this. Thank you , thank you, THANK YOU hun, truly and from the heart. Your words have given me both hope and strength and a new determination to beat this demon. All my love to you hun, and once again, thank you, thank you so , so much, with all my heart . <3 xxxx

  3. Thanks so much for you both, for Emmy, who wrote about her feelings that are exactly equal to mine. I have always been different, I didn't feel like the other girls, I had a very lonely youth, so I isolated myself and lived in my phantasy world. I did what I was told to, I was afraid of everything. My husband was my saviour who showed me that I am worth all his love.
    And thanks to anonymous, your words are healing and so right.
    Kindest Mary

    1. <3 thank you hun <3 we must not let the sorrow and sadness of our pasts bring us down hun, we must now look toward the future and realise that if we keep fighting and never lose hope, we will find happiness. <3 xxx