At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

The quest for Morokia! :) Will you fight alongside me? :)

Ok!! Before there are any misunderstandings about this unusual blog post title - no, I am not going off to join the army or the navy; and neither am I planning on embarking upon some fabulous quest for a place that perhaps is bordering Morocco, since the two of them sound vageuly the same; or some other far-flung place that noone really knows about. No, no no! bear with me while I explain: I know my titles can be a little cryptic sometimes. Perhaps there's a bit of an English student left in me, after all.

No, this month (weather depending - if its a really hot and sunny and tropical August (which is highly unlikely, living here in the beautiful Emerald Isle...but hey, you never know!;) ) I do intend on embarking upon a mission of sorts, though. I want to Morokia. As in, I want to start writing again: I want to tell my story, the story of Morokia. I want to narrate this moving, grippingly compelling, complex, engagingly emotional story and make it my own: I want to make it the epic fantasy trilogy  which I intended it to be; which I know it has the capacity to be.

But, the thing is, I know, that I won't ever be able to return to Morokia, in the company of Ed.

Because with Ed, I will never be able to concentrate and focus on what I am writing, give Morokia the necessary care and attention to detail that it deserves. I won't be able to dedicate the time and effort needed to compose a fantasy epic like Morokia. I literally won't be able to sit down for the length of time necessary to write a sufficient quantity of work. why? Because, as I know all too well, after I have been sitting down for any given length of time - yes, and even now, this does happen, frequently; I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't - this little Voice slyly creeps into my head and begins to whisper harshly to me, over and over and over, becoming more insistent with every passing minute. You need to get up. You need to get up. You have sat for too long, You need to be doing something active. Go outside and do a few paces up and down the garden, then you can come back in again. Then and only then. Stand up now and do some squats. Go walk up the stairs and get that biro you left up there this morning, I know you don't really need it, but anyway, you need to move. Move. Move. MOVE!! 

Just a sample dialogue, of the many, many conversations between me and ED.

And so I want you to all fight beside me, against the Voice, the Voice of ED. Fight against the Voice, which has caused us so, so much heartache and suffering and pain. Fight against this Voice which demands that we harm and hurt ourselves, our own bodies, the people that we love and who love us. Fight against the Voice which has tried to take so much away from us.

The Voice in my Head stole so much from me...

And yes, sadly, Morokia was one of those things. For years I have literally been unable to write Morokia: I have physically not been capable of sitting down in front of a computer screen and typing my story. for numerous reasons, ranging from not being able to concentrate, not being able to formulate the sentences in my head; not being able to sit down for any length of time without feeling extreme anxiety over the fact that in sitting there, trying to write, I could easily be spending that time doing exercise, instead. Sitting down, for long or even short periods of time, was a big problem for me; I had to always be constantly on the move; and this was one of my biggest obstacles to getting any of Morokia written. And then there was the exhaustion and fatigue. Often in the past when I attempted to sit and write, I would end up just sitting there, fingers immobile upon the keyboard, as I felt so utterly drained of energy that I was unabble to write anything. Othertimes, my starving body was just so hungry, that to sit down with a blank page in front of me, would evoke nothing for me but frustration and feelings of self-hatred, as all I could think about - no word of a lie - was food, food, and food. What I should have eaten earlier that day, what I would like to eat that moment, but of course, was not going to allow myself to have; what I might be made to have for dinner later on, and how difficult that was going to be. No matter how hard I tried to turn my thoughts onto what I wanted to write, it wouldn't be long before images and thoughts of food would bubble up again, suppressing everything else. So almost 100 percent of the time, I would just give up writing anything, and go off to do something "active" instead, as that was the only thing I could really focus on.

But things ARE different now. Alot has changed, since the last time I tried to write Morokia. And I never want to deprive my body of the nourishment it deserves ever again; and I am going to fight this Voice, this demon in my head, with every bit of strength and courage that I have. And I will return to Morokia, again, and this time, ED will not be able to stop me.

The heroes and heroines of Morokia are fighting their battle against the evil which threatens to destroy them...And I am going to join them, in a battle of my own ...and I want you to join us to. Fight against the evil, cruel, malignant Voice which threatens to hurt and destroy us, to take away everything which we hold dear. Take courage and stay strong!! <3 xxx

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