At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 27 July 2015

Day 5: Your Proudest Moment..

If you had asked me this question a few years ago, before May 2014, I would most likely have said that my proudest moment in life would be either the day I received my Leaving Cert Results back in August 2012, or when I won the Student of the Year Cup on the last day of primary school. Back then, both of those things meant more than the world to me: there was nothing more than I wanted, than to achieve that particular reward at the present time.

But now, my outlook has changed, significantly. And though they still do represent proud moments for me, they do seem, in a way, immaterial, after all that has happened. I was always a high achiever in my school days: any less than an A, was not good enough for me, as far as my grades and results were concerned. And I suppose this was reflected in my Leaving Cert; I had enough points to get me into any college course that I wanted. I was ecstatic, on top of the world. And there are not many occasions in the past which I can say with certainty that I felt proud...but that sunny summer day all those years ago was just one of the rare instances that I did.

But I think now I have a deeper understanding of what is the most important, in life. Exams and education and high-flying careers are all very well, of course, and to be able to achieve in these areas of your life is an accomplishment which you should be immensely proud of yourself for. But I guess, for me, I have a different perspective then I did three or four years ago. I, being the girl who always got the top marks, back in my school years: when study became my life; textbooks, my bible; exams, my sole focus. But then, that very same girl was forced to abandon her education, due to an old flame which threatened to burn and consume everything that she held dear.

And in a way, it - it, being my eating disorder, of course - had already destroyed so much that was important to me. I used to pride myself on my ability to study: sit me down with a book, any time and any place, and I would easily have absorbed the contents of said book, regardless of interruptions or noise or tiredness. But that has gone, now. ED took that away, and I don't know if I will ever be able to reclaim it, and this one single fact almost breaks my heart every single day.

Almost. I don't want it to break me, to eat away at me until there is truly nothing left. And looking back now, I have a new proudest moment. Maybe there will be more to come; I hope so. I hope that one day I will be able to stand up and say that I am proud of the fact that I reached recovery, despite the seemingly endless struggles and battles and rivers of tears. But for now, my proudest moment has to be the day I chose to fight for my recovery. It was the month just before I started to blog; when I finally, after so many years, acknowledged the reality and the truth of one of my deepest, darkest, and most well-kept of secrets; that I had an eating disorder, anorexia, to be specific, and that that same eating disorder was going to kill me, if I did not take action and fight. And since that day, nothing has ever been quite the same, between me and that Voice in my Head. I now recognise that Voice as my enemy, my greatest ever nemesis, a malign demon which has already taken so, so much from me, and which I know, will continue to do so, unless I persevere and defy it, with every last bit of courage and strength in my body.

And I still do struggle, I struggle every single day, and I have fallen so many times, and shed so many tears. But the one thing that remains with me, is the will to kill this thing and tread it to the dust: this demon which has stolen so much from me, has made me hurt my loved ones, has made me into a shadow of the girl that I once was, which makes me detest my very own body and want to abuse and misuse it again, as I once did. And I know that it is this which will drive me on through the wind and the rain and the storms. I know that I must not give up. <3 xxx


  1. Hi Emily, don't beat yourself up. You can be so proud of the fact you want recovery and are fighting for it. It's not easy, I know this personally, but what makes you an achiever is looking forward. Emily you are also a great role model for others in the way you tackle this ED. You are honest about your struggles and never try and be someone you're not. At your age I didn't want recovery, how stupid I was. Now I know better. Your achievenment you can be sooo proud of is reaching out and making others feel they're not alone. God made you special and thats what you ARE. I see a beautiful young woman with her life ahead of her. I've come to the decision the pain in my head of being anorexic is far worse than the pain of recovery, so I say let's recover. Hugs and special wishes x

    1. <3 thank you so, so much for your sweet words sonya. Everything you say is so so true. And you words really touch my heart so much. I never ever considered myself as being a role model and hearing you say this means so much to me. And you are so, so right. Recovery is tough, painful and hard, but it is so worth it. All my love back to you

  2. Sonya is so right my dear friend. I have suffered so long, 20 years, I lost so much, and I am so sad about very day I lose or lost in the past. For the first time since my illness started I feel strong enough to start fighting and the credit belongs to you! You empower me to keep on, to be as strong as you are, your posts are my path through recovery, they help me so much to focus on my goals and to see my thoughts in a different light. Your compassion is healing and I am so thankful that I know you. In live and deep gratitude, Mary

    1. <3 thanks you so so much for your sweet words Mary it means the world to me to know that I can do something to help you in your own recovery <3 feel equally as lucky to have come into contact with you Mary. You are a true star. Thinking of you and sending you all my love and best wishes dear. <3 xxx