At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 5 July 2015

It's the only one you will ever, ever have...

If, at some point in your life, you accidentally snap your favourite chain in two, snag and tear your beloved little black dress on a door handle and rip it at the seam, or drop your expensive, high-tech smartphone on the hard stone cobbles of the pavement causing an unsightly crack to open up across the screen, your reaction might initially be one of anger, frustration, sadness, and guilt. And then, overriding all these various different feelings that you might have, there is an impending sense of loss, a sorrowful regret for the object or thing that has been permanently damaged or eternally broken, and that will never again be whole.

But yet, at the end of the day, no matter how potent or intense these feelings might seem, they do not last forever; and sooner or later they will fade completely, and we just move on with our lives, sometimes even forgetting that the object in question ever really existed. For after all, these things are material; and can be simply replaced with a something else. The snapped chain can easily be substituted for a newer, shinier necklace; the favoured dress can be shoved to the back of wardrobe, its fvoured place now occupied by another new LBD with all the trimmings; the smartphone replaced with a more modern and subsequently, better version of its broken self. But one thing that can't ever, ever be replaced, one thing that you will never be able to get a second replacement or simple replica of, is the body, your body.

Your body - your beautiful, complexly structured, amazingly unique and undeniably incredible human body is the only one you that you will ever, ever have, and, if broken or destroyed, will never, ever be able to be replaced.

And this is so worth bearing in mind, in eating disorder recovery. Eating disorders can essentially destroy the body, or cause irreparable or permanent damage to it.

The eating disorder can have an impact on nearly every single part of the body: sadly, an eating disorder takes no prisoners. The heart, the liver, the kidneys. The skin and the stomach and the intestines. The brain. The endocrine glands and the reproductive system. The bones. And in severe cases, when the body can no longer cope with the stress and strain of such a merciless and concentrated assault on all of its faculties, it simply gives up, and fails, and dies.

I often think to myself, if I ever was granted three wishes, perhaps the last one of them, would be to have a new skeleton...for of course, because of my eating disorder, my bones are now weak and brittle, and could be broken as easily as the fragile screen of the dropped smartphone, cracked upon the hard, merciless cobbles. But you know, in a way, I was one of the lucky ones...for I now know just how close I was, to destroying myself, forever.

But I have been given a chance, one chance, to improve my bone health and help strengthen my bones; and help my body to repair itself, and heal.

And now I am trying to move towards a more appreciative and positive approach towards my own body. I'm not going to lie, it is very hard. But I am determined to work on this and by doing so, I hope to inspire others to do just the same as me: to learn to not only accept, but to appreciate and respect for the body, too. Your body will do everything in its power to keep you alive, but it is no inanimate robot which is to be used and abused as the owner sees fit. It deserves the attention and care that you would bestow upon your most valuable of possessions: if not more.

I am a firm believer in that appreciation of ones' own body is no way NEAR connected to vanity and it makes me quite annoyed when I have heard people in the past say things like that. Vanity is an entirely different thing altogether and people should never be criticised for loving their bodies and being happy with the way they look. Personally I really admire people who have the confidence to do so and really look up to them. 

And so over the next few days (eventually!! ;) ) I aim to share with you a few more lists (YES! MORE lists!! ;) ) of...

The things that my body has done for me and does for me, which I am so, so grateful for.

The things that I like about my natural body (when I say "natural body" I am referring to my body in its "recovered state" ie. after gaining weight).

And what I am doing, and plan to do in the future, in order to care for my body and repay it for everything it has done for me.

I would love if you could join in and do these challenges yourself when I do them as I think they are so so helpful and an ideal way to start this process of appreciating and caring for your body. <3 xxx


  1. This really is a wonderful post Emmy that has a truly important message. You are so right. You only have one body and we therefore need to look after it. Before I developed anorexia I believed that loving your body was vanity bu now I can see how wrong I was. There is nothing at all wrong with loving and accepting your body, in fact the real problem is when we do not do these things <3 xx

    1. <3 thanks so much hun, and I agree entirely with you hun, I regret so much that I abused this body to the extent to which I did - if only I knew then, what I know now! But at least now hun we can do everything we can to help repair what can be repaired, even if some things are irreplacable <3 yes hun exactly, that is where the problem really lies! Self love should never be anything to be ashamed