At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 28 June 2015

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

So claims the title of Kelly Clarkson's chart-topping hit from back in 2011, a song that one might hear belting out from the electronic speakers in any gym or sport hall. With its powerful lyrics and uplifting, pulsating rhythm, it emphasizes and celebrates human strength and perseverance, no matter how tough or difficult the situation, and thus has seemed to have earned its place as an appropriate anthem to those engaged in sports or activities which require immense physical exertion, will power or strength.

But I think that the main message of this song can be applied to recovery, too.

Because with anorexia or any eating disorder, there are two choices you can essentially make, when you have reached that crucial point when you come to realise that you do have a mental illness, a serious mental illness, which has claimed the lives of so many innocents before now, and continues to do so this very day.

You can allow your eating disorder kill you...
or, you can use it to make you stronger...

everyone who has chosen recovery knows that it was never and is never going to be easy. To recover might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in life. It requires more strength, determination and perseverance than the longest and hardest of marathons, the steepest and most dangerous of mountain climbs, the toughest and most challenging of tennis matches.

But taking courage and believing in yourself, and taking all those seemingly small. but infinitely crucial steps up that mountain which is recovery - by doing these things, you are making yourself stronger, you are taking an active stance against your eating disorder, you are claiming back everything that the Voice in your Head took away from you.

As many ED sufferers are most likely aware, leaving the familiarity of home surroundings and going on holidays is something which is more than likely going to bring up some uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking situations. equally, the eating disorder may be availed of the opportunity to take advantage; in an environment in which the sufferer might easily be tempted to overexercise (swimming pools, cycling or running when other members of the holiday group are asleep or relaxing, going to the gym in a hotel, to name a few) and also where meal plans may become difficult to follow, and routines and meal times may be altered or jumbled.

But yet once again we are faced with that one inevitable choice. to give in to ED and its ruthless dictations...or fight the Voice and make yourself stronger.

Today and yesterday were full of challenges for me, when I was faced, more than once, with that definitive decision, of whether or not to listen to my eating disorder.

When we reached the villa yesterday it was about 5 o clock, which is usually the time which I would have my afternoon snack and hot chocolate. Yet noone else but me seemed aware of this, in the excitement and hustle of finally having arrived at the beautiful country villa, surrounded by spectacular scenic views. There was  amad rush to get the suitcases out the car and unpacked before making a beeline for the pool. Standing alone in the middle of the tiled, neat little kitchen, I felt a familiar surge of fear. Noone was there to support me, remind me or prompt me. And it would have been so, so easy to just give in then and not have anything. To just lie through my teeth again like I have done so many times before. To let my eating disorder win.

But you know what...I didn't. I did the stronger thing and made myself my favourite milky drink and took a piece of malt loaf to go with it as my snack.

As I said in my last post...I know that this isn't going to be any straight road, any easy climb...but I know that if keep on defying my ED and facing my fears and going completely against that Voice in my head..I will make myself stronger. And so can you. Be strong and face your fears!!

Just one of the pics I took of the gorg scenery today. 


  1. I am so so proud of you Emmy and this was a beautiful post. Keep fighting gorgeous girl <3 xx

    1. <3 aww hun thank you so so much you are so sweet and kind thank you so much for helping and supporting me all the way hun you are a true friend all my love <3 xxx

  2. Again, my comment got deleted so apologies if you get this twice!

    Well done Emily!!!! I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that was! Remember this is a long war but today YOU won the battle! You reminded ED that it is NOT invited on your holiday! Every time you do this, chose recovery over ED thoughts, you get that little bit stronger. Until one day ED will be a thing of the past and you will finally get the peace you so richly deserve!

    And I love that song! It's on my "recovery" playlist on my phone! Have you listened to "Fight Song" (Rachel Platten) yet?

    Congratulations again! You are so STRONG! I hope you are able to keep doing this for the rest of your holiday! Have a fantastic trip :)

    -N xx

    1. hey hun! no hun i didnt! ;) and thanks so so much hun for your comment means so much to me <3 oh gosh NO hun i may do that tonight and I will let you know what i think hun <3 and hun Ive almost finished your email at last!! keep an eye on your inbox! ;) All my love hunn thanks so so much <3 xxxx

  3. You are one tough little cookie and I am so proud of you for taking your milky drink and snack when you could so easily have gotten away without! ED is not invited on your holiday and you're kicking its' a*s! Your milky drink and snack won't kill you, but it will make you stronger. Keep fighting my little fighter, you're doing so unbelievably well! Xxx

    1. <3 aww thanks so so much hun i see that now oftentimes it appears that going against the Voice in your Head is the most terrifying thing in the world, that you might die in the process even!! but in reality of course it is not! It only makes you stronger and braver going against the Voice! Aww thanks so much hun i hope you are doing ok all my love <3 xxxx

  4. Great post! Love that song it can relate to so many things in life especially ED recovery and mental illness, stay strong! xo

    1. <3 thanks so so much hun!! And I totally agree with you, its an amazing song! Hope you are doing well dear take care <3 xxxxx