At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday, 20 June 2015

A Girl made of Glass.. :'(

Yesterday something happened to me which I thought I would share with you today. That something, I'm not going to lie, really did frighten me, alot.And not only that, it once again felt as if reality had just leaped across my path and hit me right in the face.

You see for a normal person, what unfolded yesterday would probably not have been of any major significance whatsoever. To many it would have been just something that, once it has happened, will be brushed over and forgotten about in a matter of hours. But for me, the memory of what occured in my garden yesterday is still as sharp and as fresh as a rose thorn pushed into the tip of a finger. Because I remember exactly the taste of the fear I had felt in that moment...The stinging in my eyes as I struggled to hold back the tears. It was just an ordinary day. Mam had made me hot chocolate and had gone off to work, and,  as was often my custom on a sunny day, I had pottered outside with mug and laptop in my arms. And then, suddenly and horribly, my smooth pace was cut short my right foot smashed into the large watering can which had been placed at the edge of the concrete. Being full to the brim with water, the big, green-coloured can hardly moved at all with the impact - but I certainly did. Lurching forward, caught off balance, I flung out my arms desperately, and suddenly my fingers came into contact with the smooth wood of the patio table that, having remained dormant and unused in the garage all winter, had only just been positioned there by Daddy last weekend.

But as I managed to catch myself, I placed too much pressure on my right knee and suddenly felt a sharp pain. I sat down hard in the little chair by the tale and burst into tears - and no, not because of the aching sensations in my kneecap. It was because I realised just how close I had come to falling, falling onto the pitiless, hard concrete of the patio. There was every possibility that I could have broken a bone.

I might as well be made of glass. If I fall, I shatter.

My knee was a bit better today, though it is still very sore and I am limping ever so slightly. But on this occasion, I was lucky; I got off lightly, with a twisted knee, by the looks of things. But on the other side of the coin, it makes me bitterly despondant to contemplate how just by landing at a slightly awkward sort of poisition on my right leg, I have ended up injuring myself, again. Again, doing something which normal people could probably do without any effort at all. But for me, it's different. Running, jumping, skipping, hopping...all of them, I know at my present state, I just can't risk doing, because of the weak, fragile structure of my skeleton.

What happened to me yesterday serves to as just yet another sad reminder to me of just how weak my body is...because of my eating disorder.

I know that all I can do now is give recovery all that I possibly have. I just hope with all my heart that if I keep on fighting and trying my best, I will be able to improve my bones, make them as strong as they could possibly be, what with the brand of osteoporosis branded upon them for the rest of my life.

Please, please, please. I know I have probably said this many times, but please - if you can't seem to find any motivation or reason to fight your eating disorder, think of the price you will pay, in the future. Think of the toll it is taking upon your very own body. And when you hear the word future, you might be inclined to think of, well, ages away, maybe...when you might consider yourself as "old". Don't. I learned the price at a much, much younger age than that. So fight back now and MAKE THAT CHANGE before it is too late! <3 xxx

Me and my special furry friends at Christmas, not long before I went into hospital. <3 xxx


  1. Wow such touching words again Emmy :) they really take away my breath, it sounds so knowledged and wise ;) I am so proud of you hun for realizing this, that we only live once and only be at this young age once!!!! *_* we have to make it the best time of our lives and not waste it with confusing thoughts of Miss Mager and food :( I am so sorry this happened to you hun :( And i hope your knee gets better asap :) and hopefully it does´t hurt that much any more ;) so don´t be down for this hun, some things like this happen :( UNFORTUNATELY (also only remember my broken arm -> in one second you slip and it is broken :() but keep your head high, I know we can make it :) Love u so so much over the ocean xxx <3

  2. <3 so so true huni everything you wrote here really struck a chord in me I could not possible agree with you more hun <3 Life really IS too short to be obessive about Miss Magar and following her "rules" which prevent us from leading happy, healthy lives!!<3 Aww <3 love you even more huni take care now hun stay strong for me <3 xxxxx

  3. Thinking of you so much my lovely. I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a shock and a fright from your stumble. I do really hope that your knee feels better soon, and hope that this hasn't shaken you up too much. We can all have slips and trips from time you time, you just have to be that little bit extra careful. Try not to be too despondent or disheartened. I know it's hard, but you will get there, you're a tough little cookie <3 You're also very brave and strong. Take care xxx

    1. Awww Annie! <3 thank you so so much hun this really means the world to me!! You are just so kind and selfless and supportive thank you so so much hun <3 I just get so down hun about the fact that I am as weak and as fragile as an old woman, and that one fall could be disastrous :'( I just really hope I can improve things hun by giving recovery my best shot <3 all my love hun thank you so so much for your comment <3 xxxxx

    2. I understand you getting so down, it's perfectly understandable and acceptable. It shows that you want life and strength and to get rid of your ED. Your body may be weak, but your mind is as strong as an ox, and that is the important thing. You can use your mind to now feed yourself in a way that will make your body stronger, and I truly believe that this will happen for you because of the amazing character that you are. I'm here to help you in any way I can! Sending you all my love too, and big (but gentle) hugs xxxx

    3. Oh hun what can I say <3 this is so overwhelmingly sweet and kind of you hun I really appreciate this so much more than you will ever know thanks a million hun :* Im sending all my love and one big gentle hug back to you hun! <3 My special Welsh friend aww <3 take care hun <3 xxxxxxxxx