At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
No room for you any longer, Ed...
This will be my fourth holiday in Mallorca; that beautiful gem of Mediterranean radiance which holds, for me, so many memories. Some of those memories are infinitely precious and make my eyelids prickle with unshed tears if I were ever to think of them. Happy, beautiful memories of days full of sun and sand and happiness; if golden beaches and grey-skinned olive trees in their neat little groves; cobalt blue skies and the sound of our laughter mingling with the cries of the swifts wheeling in the sky and the humming of crickets crouched in the grass.
But the other kind of memories I associate with mallorca also make me want to cry, but in a different sort of way to before. Because I have memories, there, memories of being a girl with an ED, a girl with an ED on holiday. Who couldn't relax and enjoy herself, because behind that smile she flashed at the camera, behind the protective frames of her sunglasses which she wore to conceal her facial expression, behind all the giggles, the laughter, the joy and the excitement and the outward show of complete and utter carefree happiness - lay something dark, deadly and destructive; that being, of course, ED, ED at his very worse, ED seeking to control and spoil the holiday with my loved ones, in every single way. On holidays with my ED, I would overexercise, cry and create a scene in restaurants, refuse to try local specialities and delicacies, reluctantly eat ice cream and then compensate desperately at the next given opportunity, shut myself away from everyone else, isolate, block out, and hurt, hurt myself, my body, and everyone around me. It tore at my soul, it broke my heart and caused me so much pain, to see just how much I was impinging on their happiness, and their enjoyment of the holiday - but yet, I just couldn't stop. On nearly every single family holiday, there was many a night when I would cry and sob into a spotless white pillow of the villa or hotel of holiday home; stricken with guilt, wrecked with unhappiness, torn with self-hatred and shame.
My holiday in Mallorca last year...but I want things to be different now...
So many holidays, so many memories...of myself, and my family, on holiday, with my ED.
I never want that to happen, ever, ever AGAIN.
My friend, as we hugged one another more fiercely than ever today, in the knowledge that we would not see eachother for a fortnight or so, whispered something in my ear; a piece of advice which I am determined more than ever to take to my heart.
You are going to have a great time. Emmy. You are going to be just fine. And just remember. you're going to get on that plane and this time, there is going to be no seat, no room for ED.
All set for my holiday! And I know, that there will be challenges and anxieties...But nothing I cannot overcome <3 and I hope that by facing my fears and sharing my thoughts, advice and experiences while away, I will be able to help anyone anyone else out there wit an ED, and prove that, despite all the odds, recovery is possible!!
So let's stand together now and take action, as no one, not one person on this planet, should be forced to make room for an eating disorder, and all the pain, all the suffering, all the bitterness that it brings into their life...<3 xxx