At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

No room for you any longer, Ed...

In a few days time, I will be scrambling into the back of Daddy's jeep, dressed, more than likely, in my usual attire of a dress and skechers (I know, like sooo unfashionable...but when you are like me and have a dodgy knee and fragile feet to match, more often than not the pumps or the fancy heels or whatever are going to be ditched for a good ol' pair of runners!!! ) and with my leopard-print girly sunglasses, balanced, in a somewhat haphazard position on top of my head, ready to fall with a glorious clatter - it will probably be the hundredth and something time they would have done so, ever since I bought them back in March!!) - at any second. At my side, I will have a wide-ranging and extensive little assortment of items to keep me entertained for the duration of the car journey - knitting needles and tangled balls of wools or various different colour shades; a couple of chunky reading books textures and thicknesses; journals and diaries, big and small, dog-eared and pristine, each one designated for a different purpose or function. This is how the Ganache-Elf goes on holidays. She ALWAYS brings more junk than she really needs and forgets the stuff that she actually does.

This will be my fourth holiday in Mallorca; that beautiful gem of Mediterranean radiance which holds, for me, so many memories. Some of those memories are infinitely precious and make my eyelids prickle with unshed tears if I were ever to think of them. Happy, beautiful memories of days full of sun and sand and happiness; if golden beaches and grey-skinned olive trees in their neat little groves; cobalt blue skies and the sound of our laughter mingling with the cries of the swifts wheeling in the sky and the humming of crickets crouched in the grass.

But the other kind of memories I associate with mallorca also make me want to cry, but in a different sort of way to before. Because I have memories, there, memories of being a girl with an ED, a girl with an ED on holiday. Who couldn't relax and enjoy herself, because behind that smile she flashed at the camera, behind the protective frames of her sunglasses which she wore to conceal her facial expression, behind all the giggles, the laughter, the joy and the excitement and the outward show of complete and utter carefree happiness - lay something dark, deadly and destructive; that being, of course, ED, ED at his very worse, ED seeking to control and spoil the holiday with my loved ones, in every single way. On holidays with my ED, I would overexercise, cry and create a scene in restaurants, refuse to try local specialities and delicacies, reluctantly eat ice cream and then compensate desperately at the next given opportunity, shut myself away from everyone else, isolate, block out, and hurt, hurt myself, my body, and everyone around me. It tore at my soul, it broke my heart and caused me so much pain, to see just how much I was impinging on their happiness, and their enjoyment of the holiday - but yet, I just couldn't stop. On nearly every single family holiday, there was many a night when I would cry and sob into a spotless white pillow of the villa or hotel of holiday home; stricken with guilt, wrecked with unhappiness, torn with self-hatred and shame.

My holiday in Mallorca last year...but I want things to be different now...

So many holidays, so many memories...of myself, and my family, on holiday, with my ED.

I never want that to happen, ever, ever AGAIN.

My friend, as we hugged one another more fiercely than ever today, in the knowledge that we would not see eachother for a fortnight or so, whispered something in my ear; a piece of advice which I am determined more than ever to take to my heart.

You are going to have a great time. Emmy. You are going to be just fine. And just remember. you're going to get on that plane and this time, there is going to be no seat, no room for ED. 

All set for my holiday! And I know, that there will be challenges and anxieties...But nothing I cannot overcome <3 and I hope that by facing my fears and sharing my thoughts, advice and experiences while away, I will be able to help anyone anyone else out there wit an ED, and prove that, despite all the odds, recovery is possible!!

So let's stand together now and take action, as no one, not one person on this planet, should be forced to make room for an eating disorder, and all the pain, all the suffering, all the bitterness that it brings into their life...<3 xxx


  1. You will have an amazing time though it may be hard at times the sun will be there every morning to remind you that the day can be spectular like you are the sun will continue to shine as your smile and eyes do shine ED has no place on this trip he/she is not invited ED will no sneek into your suitcase in the form of clothes that you once wore ,nor in the form of running shoes previously used for over exercising , ED is barred from restaurants that youll go to and ice cream parlours youll visit and certainly has no admittion in to the pool you shall chill beside

    1. <3 oh thank you thank you THANKYOU so so much you put it so perfectly your words mean the world to me thank you so so much your comment really touched me thank you so, so much <3 ! xxxx

  2. I have posted 4 comments on your past blog posts but for some reason they never seem to appear...hopefully this one does!

    Have a fantastic trip Emily!!! You deserve it so much! I hope you are able to relax and enjoy yourself with your family. And you are quite right, ED is NOT invited! I'm really jealous, Mallorca sounds amazing!

    I also wanted to write (I have written it before, but those comments keep either getting deleted or not appearing...weird) again how thankful I am for your blog! Your courage and insight has always amazed me but the past few weeks I have been absolutely blown away with how you are handling your osteoporosis. The fact that you are using it as a tool and a motivator, rather than letting it get the best of you and just giving up, is so inspiring. I hope you know how rare that kind of strength is! Not only that, but you are selflessly sharing your experience to help motivate others to get help before they progress to that level!

    I have recently had to make a difficult decision regarding recovery (will e-mail you the details!), and I want you to know that your blog helped me IMMENSELY through this time. I count my blessings every day that I stumbled across it all those months ago. It (and you!) has been a Godsend through all the tough times.

    You've fought so hard for so long, you deserve an AMAZING vacation! I know it will be hard, but I believe 100% that you can do this!

    Huge hugs from across the pond!

    -N xx

  3. Also, that photo is so beautiful! Gah, I'm SO SO jealous of your hair!!

    1. Oh hun thank you so, SO much! Oh really your comments didnt appear? i wonder why that is? :( ah im really sory hun i dont understand why that is as I dont have any security settings on the comments or anything as far as I know!! :(

      ahhh..ohhh hun this brought tears to my eyes reading your comment!! to know that i have helped you really means the world and more <3 oh gosh and hun i am really really sorry i havent emailed you yet -i have started it and i PROMISE i will send it in the next few days!! But please feel free to email me whenever hun I love hearing from you you are such an aamzing, kind, strong and beautiful person inside and out im so glad i met you too and your comments always make my day THANKYOU hun all my love big hugs back <3 xxx