At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

The Equation.

Sitting in one of the group sessions at the clinic yesterday, I felt a sort of contemplative sadness begin to slowly envelope me as I stared at the piece of paper that I held in my hands. Beneath the typed script which outlined several guidelines of advice which at this stage I had heard or read on numerous times before in that very same room, was  a blank space, which seemed to beckon to me then, compelling me to write the jumbled flurry of words that, suddenly and without warning, were skimming over my mind like pebbles flung across the surface of a still pond, creating perfect circular ripples as they did so. And just like those pebbles, so too did each one of those words send gentle little ripples through my head, echoing and reverberating.

And suddenly my hand was no longer empty, and I found myself writing, organising the scattered jumble of words in my head into an equation. An equation that certainly rings true for me, and I am sure, that it has, for many others out there who have suffered or who are suffering with an eating disorder.

Anorexia = ...

Loneliness and isolation.
Ruined bones.
Messed up hormones.
Misery and wretchedness.
Liver and heart problems.
Dry skin.
Exhaustion and fatigue.
Inability to grow up.
Poor concentration.
Memory loss.
Compulsive, abnormal behaviors.
Hurting loved ones and causing them untellable pain.
Lying and deceit.
Constant preoccupation with food.
Lack of interest in anything.
Loss of contact with friends.
Suicidal thoughts.
Physical and psychological damage, some of which can't be reversed.
Regrets and missed opportunities.

So please, if you are ever struggling... if you ever let yourself think that the Voice is just too strong and that you can't, you just can't fight it any longer...if you ever find yourself slipping and following the commands and dictations of that Voice in your Heart instead of going with your heart, your gut instinct, or the advice of your family and friends and those who love and care about you... just take a moment to breathe and think about the equation. What did ED ever bring you? Happiness? Popularity? A dream body? Friends? Control? Everything and anything you ever wanted in this life?

No. Anorexia brings nothing of these things, to you, to me, to anyone; and it never will. And I am just one of those people who believed, back then, that it would; and thus allowed myself to succumb to its alluring, seductive embrace. An embrace that traps, suffocates,kills. Please don't ever forget what an eating disorder really stands for. Many things change in this world that we live in, but I believe that the truth of the equation that I wrote on my notes in the small, dark little room yesterday will always remain the same.


  1. The voice promised me that I will achieve everything if it stays at my side, but I lost everything that was worth living. Pain, sadness are not worth living, anorexia is a liar that wants an obedient slave who fulfills its order. I don't want to obey to anyone else than me, I want to make my own rules and they will not kill me, but heal me. Thanks so much, Emmy my dear friend in need.

    1. <3 oh hun your words speak volumes, you sum it up perfectly hun <3 no need to thank me dear, I am always here for you <3 try to remember this equation when things get tough. Remeber what Anorexia REALLY means, what is stands for. Pain and sadness and even death. I hope you are feeling much better now hun <3 all my love please take care <3 xxxx