At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday, 13 June 2015

Day 21: What was your "rock bottom", and how did you overcome it?

I think the point at which I hit "rock bottom" was in April 2014, only just over a year ago now. This was not the period before my referral or my inpatient hospitalisation, funnily enough. I suppose I had reached a point in my illness at which I suddenly realised that I just couldnt go on the way I was, the way I was living - or should that be, barely surviving. I was underweight, but that wasn't the worse of it. Every single day was one long, hard, painful struggle which united fear, deceit, restriction, and tears. I was exhausted, both physically and mentally; from the lack of proper nourishment, the constant movement and exercising I forced myself to endure every day, and, of course, the stress and mental drainage of it all.

it was around this time, when my Mam and my sister began to explicitly express their concern about me. They started to query what I was eating when I was away from home, was I eating anything. I would always answer them with the same responses, the same lies. I eat fine when I'm in Dublin. You don't need to worry about me. There's nothing wrong. Honest. 

Up to this point, you see, I had been in total denial about the cold reality that inside, deep down, I recognised as the truth. But up to this point in illness, I was not prepared to acknowledge that my problem was much more serious than a somewhat "weird" relationship with food. restriction and overexercise came as naturally to me as brushing my teeth in the morning, or putting on clothes. It was automatic, a daily practice, a way of life. But in April of this year - the point I recognise now as my rock bottom - something changed deep inside me, which would in turn alter everything; and set the wheels of my recovery gently into motion.

It took enormous strength, courage and perseverance to overcome this stage of my illness. and in a way I suppose, the point at which I hit my rock was absolutely vital in terms of my recovery. And it was at this moment, when I was at my very weakest than I had ever been before, all those long years of being sick - it was also the moment when I found immense strength. The strength I needed to stand up and take action, and fight back against my eating disorder, and embark upon the road to recovery...

But of course, I knew that I would never be able to overcome this demon of my own making all by myself, standing alone. For years, I had put up barriers around myself, preventing those I loved from reaching out to me, from seeing just how lost I really was. I wore a mask and a false smile, concealing my true emotions and feelings, and thus enabling the conflict that raged deep inside me to continue on, breaking and tearing and destroying, unnoticed and unfelt by every other human person. All except me.

 But at the beginning of my recovery I discarded the mask, the false smile, the barriers. I opened up, I spoke out, I put voice to my feelings and allowed them to be heard. I unveiled the true nature of my suffering. I started to blog. It was a difficult and painful thing to do, at I truly believed that if I shed light on the fact that I had an eating disorder I would be branded as selfish, vain, insensitive or just plain stupid. But the help and support I have received ever since i revealed the truth about my illness can only be described as being simply, incredible. If I hadn't quite expected such a kind, understanding, and genuinely concerned and empathetic response from all those I have been in touch with since I opened up about my condition, I can safely say, hand on heart, that such explicit displays of human kindness and generosity has both overwhelmed and moved me in many more ways than one. And you know, since that day, whenever I have found myself slipping or feeling as if if all hope is lost, then I know the first thing I have to do is to tell someone. And this I think can apply for everyone out there, whether you be in recovery or not. A problem shared is, truly, a problem halved, and it was through reaching out to others, seeking help when I needed it, and being as honest and as open about my true thoughts and feelings that I had hidden away for so, so long, that I was essentially enabled to overcome my rock bottom and work upwards and onwards with my recovery. <3 xxxxx

I overcame my rock bottom...I faced my fears and here I am today. If I could do it so can YOU!! <3 

So please, my take home message for you today, is to remember the importance of asking for help. Don't suffer in silence. If you are struggling, TELL SOMEONE. Don't wait or prolong your suffering for any longer! <3 xxxxx


  1. Replies
    1. <3 thanks so so much Liberty <3 would you mind hun giving me the link of your blog again? thanks hun <3 xxx

  2. I'm so proud of you Emmy for overcoming your rock bottom. You're proving to be a real rock for others who are now in the situation in which you found yourself. Keep fighting always and forever <3 xxx

    1. <3 aww hun thank you so so much <3 i truly believe though hun thatyou have everything that it takes to beat this thing too. you are so strong and brave and i really hope we can both make a FULL recovery together. Im always here for you hun <3 xXxXx

    2. <3 Always here for you too my lovely Xxxx