At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday 26 June 2015

I'm Here!!! :) xxx

Hi everyone!!!:)
First things first…thank you so, so much for the comments and words of support and well-wishes posted here over the past few days <3 what can I say, I was so, so overwhelmed by such a poignant display of kindness and generosity…it really touched my very heart and I just wanted to all offer you all a sincere and massive thank you, you are all just so, so, so AMAZING and it is all for YOU which I dedicate this post today!!

I apologise if my blogging is  abit on the scattered side at the moment as well ;) As you might have guessed, the past few days I was preparing for the holiday and catching up on myself, and now, here I am, sitting writing to you from my room in a gorgeous country villa in North Mallorca. Blogging on the move is fun and exciting and I am really looking forward to sharing my adventures with you for the next couple of weeks.

And as also mentioned, this is the holiday to which ED is NOT invited, at any place, at any time, no matter the circumstances. I am determined more than ever to make this so, especially following the surge of support and encouragement I have received from my readers. <3 I think this is also the perfect occasion to reflect on what I can do to help myself while I am away and keep ED pushed down into the dirt where it belongs!!! I hope that by sharing my experience and advice I might be able to help any one else out there who might be holidaying or travelling while suffering with an eating disorder. I COMPLETELY understand just how difficult this might be as for the past 8 years I went away with my parents and, unfortunately, ED sitting contently on my shoulder, whispering in my ear and dominating every thought that ran through my head, ever decision that I made, every action that I did. And each and everyone of those holidays were, of course, tainted by that Voice in my Head, meaning that there were tears when there should have been laughter, anger when there should have been joy, rows and disagreements when there should have been nothing but harmony and accord. I regret these things, I regret them with all my heart, and there I wish for nothing more than to be able to go back in time and change everything, make everything better, guide myself down the right path instead of falling into the arms of Ed and letting him direct me, instead, every living moment of every single hour of every single day.

But I know that I cant , of course, travel back in time, and that those days are gone, now, never to be relived. All that I have are the memories, the regrets, and the hate. The hate I feel for that demon in my head, which has wrecked my bones and given me the body of an ancient, which has caused me and all those I love untellable amounts of painand heartache and misery, and has essentially imprisoned me in a web of deception and deceit, depression and isolation for all of my adolescence and beyond…

But this one fact remain true: we should take that hate and use it to make us strong, strong against the Voice that seeks to hurt us, to betray us, to ruin us and destroy us. And we should use that strength to fight that Voice with every single breath that we take, so that we can finally spread our wings and fly, like the beautiful butterfly finally liberated from the suffocating confines of its cocoon…

 Anyway, that’s it for now- just a quick little post to say where Im at and what Im up to, and of course, to thank you personally from the heart, again and again and again. <3 xxx


Mallorca... <3 xxx


Normal blogging will (hopefully!! ;) ) resume tomorrow. (If my blogging style can be described as anyweher near normal, heehee!! ;) Good night everyone!!! <3 xxx

9 comments:

  1. Ohhhhh hunnniii <3 I wish you a wonder wonder wonderful holiday in surely beeeeeautiful Mallorca :) Enjoy yourself and I am so sure you can do this without Miss Mager, you are so strong now Emmy, you can do it :) No matter what, always get this picture in mind: her standing alone at home and you being in Mallorca having a great ED-free time :)
    Love u so much huuun <3 xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. awww huni <3 thank you so so much hun :* <3 I will keep you updated on my progress huni <3 love you so so much hun I will message you tonight heeheeheee <3 xxxx

      Delete
  2. That's a beautiful picture Em :) I'm so glad you went to Mallorca after all. You're going to have so much fun and don't let the ED hold you back hun :)


    We definitely need to meet up after you're back :) have a great trip. Love you loads hun xxxxx

    Rach

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3 thanks so much hun and we so need to hun! Im sorry I didnt get to see you before i left :'( hope you are doing well hun stay strong for me <3 xxxxx

      Delete
  3. I hope you have an absolutely wonderful holiday. You deserve nothing but the best and it is time for you to have a holiday in Mallorca, as well as a holiday away from ED. I'm sure it will be hard to simply leave ED at home, you can't just magic it away just like that, but I'm sure you will do your utmost to strive forwards without anorexia on your shoulder on this holiday. I hope it is what you need to push forwards on your journey through life without anorexia. I believe in you so much, believe in yourself that you can do this! Onwards and upwards my lovely! Take care xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks so much dear <3 did you get my message last night hun? and you are right hun <3 i know sadly it wont be quite as simple as that if only it was :'( I just really hope that in the first time in years this can be a holiday that I really enjoy and do not have ED controlling the whole time like it has done in the past. All my love hun thank you so so much for your support.xxx

      Delete
    2. Yay I got your message but haven't replied yet sorry! I'm so bad! Yeah if only it was that simple, but you have the inclination, so you're more likely to succeed at leaving it behind! You will enjoy your holiday, I'm sure of it, because you deserve to enjoy it anyway, more than anything! Take care my lovely sending you loads of love and hugs xxxxx

      Delete
  4. Have a fantastic holiday!! Take lots of pictures so we can all live vicariously through you!!

    -N xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3 thanks so much hun! and i will do my best! <3 all my love hun <3 xxxxx

      Delete