At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Day 24: Has having a blog helped or hurt your recovery?

I think you already know what the answer to this question might be...;)

My Cocoa Stained has been with me, ever since that day, all those months ago, back in May 2014 when I swallowed my fear and took a step, a blind, hesitant, ever so tiny step, forward, out of the rain and the mist...the rain and the mist created for me, by a little Voice inside my very own head...that I had numbly wrapped myself in for so, so long. Out of that mist and rain, and onto a winding, steep, rocky road which is the road to recovery...

And my blog has been with me, through it all.

It was there for me when I set off upon that road, allowing me to charter the pain and suffering that I had gone through, all those years of being sick.

It was there for me after that glorious summer of 2014, when i returned to college and injured my foot...the injury which, inevitably, would lead to my referral to the mental services hospital.

The day of my first doctor appointment, I felt like the world had ended. i stumbled home, opened up my laptop and typed furiously, tears streaming down my face as I poured my heart out. This post was called Help Me, and as I wiped away my tears and crept up the stairs to my little bedroom, hoping to find some comfort or solace in the darkness of sleep, I had never, ever felt so completely and utterly alone.

But my blog proved to me that was i never, ever alone with my struggle.

I began to get individual comments from readers from across the world. Comments which expressed sympathy or encouragement, or offered advice and support and help. You wrote that you were thinking of me, that you were behind me and that you believed in me. And suddenly I realised that, no matter how bad things got, there was hope. There was light at the end of the tunnel. My readers reminded me of the truths which, in the murkiness of my depression, I had cast aside and buried deep in the ground. That there is always hope, that it is never, ever too late to recover, and that, whatever it takes, you should never, ever stop fighting, and believing. All thanks to you, my readers. <3 xxx

Through my blog, I was enabled to share my experience of being a girl - a once happy, carefree, normal girl - who, one day many years ago, developed an eating disorder which has remained with her ever since. And My Cocoa Stained Apron has allowed me to reflect and record what I went through, and to remind me of how far I have come.

It has allowed me to turn my story into something more positive and generative, as I endeavour to triumph over the Voice in my Head and prove to others out there who are in the same dark, dark place which I found myself in, all those months ago - a place of despair, hopelessness, and believing that I couldn't go on - that no matter how long you have been sick, no matter how entrenched in your illness you find yourself in, no matter what others may think, no matter how tough and hopeless things may seem...

that there is always hope
that there might not be a tomorrow, so live for today
that life is too short, to be unhappy.
Recovery is WORTH the fight. <3 xxx

And one more thing - I am so sorry as I know my days are all mixed up with the recovery challenge!! I intend to write the favourite quote thing next. The reason why I have postponed that particular post (haha :p) is that I want to write these quotes on pretty pieces of paper and stick them on an inspiration board in my room, and then take a pic of each individual quote and put them on here.<3 


  1. You're never alone! I'm so glad your blog lets you know that you are never alone with this illness <3 Take care lovely xxxx

    1. <3 thanks so much hun I never feel so isolated as I did thanks to such caring people like you looking out for me and cheering me on thanks so so much hun all my love hun <3 xxx