At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Day 16: List 5 things you are grateful for.

It's so hard to limit this to just 5 things...because when I sat and thought about this, I realised that I actually have so, so many things to be grateful for. :) xxx

My amazing Mam and Dad.

Words can't even begin to express just how grateful I am for my Mam and Dad, and just how much they mean to me.
 Despite all the times I have let them down, despite all the deceit; despite all the tears, the heartbreak, the anger and frustration I pulled them through, my Mam and Dad have been by my side through it all, refusing to give up on me. Their love for me is unconditional. I know all they want most in the world is for me to be happy, and healthy.

My friends and readers. <3

Without the support, love and encouragement of my friends, recovery would have been literally impossible. I know that my life would be empty without friendship and the incredible, amazing friends which I have formed such close bonds with. They have helped to pick me up when I fell down, helped me to smile and laugh again when everything seemed hopeless; and made me realise that life is worth fighting for.
And then, of course, all my readers. I know, that I haven't met you in person, but I just wanted you all to know I think of you all as very special friends. Every single little comment, piece of advice, words of support or encouragement; even just taking the time to read my blog. You have helped me so, so much more than you will ever realise. I will never be able to thank you enough.<3 xxx

If only I was able to reach out through my screen and hug you now, and thank you with all my heart for what you have done for me...make you realise just how much you mean to me, what a difference you have made to my life. <3 xxx

My home.

Derryguile House, my beautiful, cosy home nestled in the heart of the Irish midlands. My home is a very special place to me. It is a place of warmth and comfort, of peace and security. I have lived here since I was four years old, but my love of this house has never been altered. I love my garden, with its flowerbeds and trees and the little orchard at the very back, flanked by the tall conifer hedge where as a child I would play and hide. I love the conservatory that overlooks the garden, where I can sit on the little couch and watch the song birds flitting to and from the bird table and the branches of the blossom tree dip and bob in the breeze. I love my snug little room at the top of the house, the kitchen with its blue tiles and sparkly clean cupboards. My sanctuary, my safe haven, my home.

Everything my body has done for me, despite the hell I put it through, the abuse, the starvation, and overexercise.

Over the past few years, I have misused and abused my body to the extent to which I could have caused it enormous and irreversible damage. i starved it and deprived it of proper nourishment.  Everytime I overexercised, I put my body under massive strain, pushing it and pushing it to the brink of exhaustion.
 And yet, my body refused to give up on me. It did what it could, with the sparse nutrition and care that I gave it. it kept my blood pumping, my brain working, my heart beating. On and on I went, relentlessly putting my body under immense stress every day, yet it still struggled on, fighting to keep me alive.

I am so, so grateful now, for what it has done for me. I know now is the time for me to take proper care of my body, and nurse it back to full health.

The beauty and goodness in everyday life.

Taking life for granted is something that many people would admit to being guilty of, myself included. half the time we are just so busy, so caught up in the mad rush of work or college or school, that we often fail to take into account just how beautiful, how stunning our world really is. Walking out in the woods on Sunday with daddy and Matty, I found myself surrounded by real, unspoilt, natural beauty. The emerald-green canopy above our heads of hundred upon hundreds of intricately veined, fresh new leaves. Birds called from those very branches, their sweet, trilling melodies more beautiful than any music. And then, the flowers...bluebells, forming a hazy blue mist across the forest floor; tiny white wood sorrel in their little beds of three-leafed shamrock, dainty violets and golden marsh marigolds, clustered together on the banks of the bubbling brooks that chattered over the silvery rocks.

 Alongside that, another thing I am so, so grateful for, is the kindness and goodness that can be found in the people around us. Something as simple as a smile or a hug, a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on; a random act of pure kindness. And we experience these every day; it's just that half the time we may fail to notice or acknowldege them. I find a really helpful exercise to do is at the end of each day to write down 3 or 5 positive things that you are grateful for or which happened to you that day. Here is the one I wrote this evening for example.:)

  • I got to sit out in the garden at the hospital before lunch and talk with my friends in the sunshine.
  • My Mam made me my favourite tea tonight, a baked potatoe topped with melted cheese and served with baby plum tomatoes and salad, and then followed by my alltime favourite, banana and hot custard with a load of melted choc on top!:)
  • My friend and I have planned for a little day trip next week! :)
  • I have 4 days off before I have to go back to the hospital!:)
  • A lady at the hospital complimented me on my new stripy dress, I didnt know who she was but she smiled at me and cheered me up. :) 
  • And I wrote a blog post which really helped me to realise just how fortunate I am, to have so many wonderful things to e grateful for in my life. <3 xxx


  1. This was lovely to read Emmy. It made me smile :) :) :) x

    1. <3 thanks so much Anna. your little comment made me smile too!! <3 have a lovely day and take care Anna xXxXx

  2. Wow this was so typical Emmy :) *_* such a cute post hun =) <3 soooo great to you to realize how many nice things each one of us is offered in life :) Thanks for shaaaaring those thoughts :) Love uuu so much and I can´t waaait :) you knoooow? :) xxxxxxxxxx <3

    1. <3 awwww thank you my huni so so much :* hun maybe you should try doing one of these two, on your own blog hun? Or try writing the 5 positive things a day? they are so helpful hun I think <3 OMG hun I know exactly what you mean heeheehee oh Ange I literally can't waitttt <3 Love you loads huni <3 xxxxx

  3. I loved reading about all the things you are grateful for Emmy. Always remember to try and thjnk about these types of things when times get tough. Sometimes, thinking about the wonderful things we have in our lives can help to make the bad things so much more bearable.
    I hope you are doing ok Emmy.
    <3 karly xx

    1. <3 thank you hun <3 you are so wise and thoughtful <3 everything you say is so so true. <3 thank you for your email hun. I will reply soon and let you know how things are going. All my love to you hun <3 xxx

  4. This was so lovely to read, I think you have a heart of gold! Xxx

    1. <3 thanks so much hun <3 and so do YOU <3 all my love hun ! <3 xxxx