At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Where will my blogging take me from here...

I find it hard to believe that I've been writing My Cocoa-Stained Apron for a few months, now. Writing it has really become part of my everyday routine. Whenever I wake up in the morning one of the first things I actually think of is what I might blog about today; and I spend many a hot chocolate break strolling through my blog and editing spelling mistakes, etc (though I am quite sure that there are many more ;) ). But it really has been such a special and meaningful journey for me. I've discovered that I love to blog and that i still do love to write. It's not that I can't write, I understand now...I can. But I write best about the things that mean alot to me; and I know that for me writing is something that I don't want to do at all hours of the day...I think for me, writing will always be a hobby. Not something that I want to spend my life doing.
I really do hope I will still be able to write when I go to fact I am determined that I will, though perhaps not to the extent to which I have been able to over summer. I will still be baking, after all. And I want to focus still on trying new recipes and develop on the ones I've created myself.
 And My Cocoa-Stained Apron has really helped to erode my sense of worthlessness and ineptitude and show to me that...yes, I can bake, I AM a baker and I have my own little style and strengths. :) Last year I went for the Irish Bake-Off on TV3...of course I only got as far as the first set of interviews (though that, in itself, was an achievement of sorts for me anyway!) but I am keen to have another stab at it this year. AND maybe even the British one, too. I know I don't have much of a chance of getting that far or anything...but well you never know unless you try.
 And I plan to continue writing posts about my ED, too, and everything I went through and everything I remember...and try to give heartfelt advice to anyone out there who is struggling as I was. I know I am no expert, but what I know with certainty is that eating disorders are rotten, horrible, destructive things that wreck people's lives and cause so much hurting and pain and suffering. And that I would do anything that I could in my power to help all those men, women, girls, boys who are burdened with this horrific disease. And so this is where I start I suppose...writing a blog which I hope can make you realise that recovery is possible...and that there are hundreds of people out there like you. Be brave and take that first crucial step like I did earlier on this summer...tell someone, seek help, and don't wait or falter for any longer. Only you can decide to change your own life. I know how important the help, support and love of others is at this time...but you must know that if you want to get better you need to want it...and not have others just on your case all the time, telling you you need to change...a big part of this ball game is in your court, now. So don't shy away and let the ball drop from your a player...take control of your own life rather than letting an ED control you.

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