At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Ups and downs...relapsing. But this time, I will not give in.

Having read alot about anorexia and eating disorders, ever since I came to realise that what I had was, in fact, exactly that, the term "relapsing" has made itself familiar to me. I'm not great at explaining things but basically, if I were to define a relapse for you, I would say I suppose it's when someone like me, who is in the recovery stage of their ED, undergoes a period when they lose the motivation to recover/gain weight, they let the ED take control of them one again; they may become at risk of reverting to their old ways.
It is very easy, to let yourself relapse. I should know, because when I was sick, when the ED really was very bad back in those days...I made a good few half-hearted attempts at becoming well again. But it never lasted very long...I always relapsed, fell back down again, and was stuck in the very same place as I was before.
What can be said for me now, though? For things are, genuinally, very different. For one thing, I know that I had an eating disorder - something I never frankly acknowledged to myself all those other times. And I really, really do want to do this - as in, be healthy again and gain some weight. That's why, after doing something wrong and feeling guilty about it, I end up feeling so frustrated and full of self-loathing. Why did you do it, if you WANT to put on weight...? You are just so, so stupid!!! But I admit that it does get rough sometimes and I feel as if I have lost the motivation for gaining weight. Is it a relapse of sorts? I don't know for certain. But...I am so, so determined not to let these relapses, if they can be called that, drag me back down to that dark, dark place, like all those other times in the past!
I suppose, what has made me feel a little concerned that I was relapsing was when I looked over my food diary over the past week or so, and realising that there were more days when I hadn't stuck entirely to my meal plan that the days that I actually had. They were all little things, of wasn't as if I had skipped meals, or anything like that. But, as I've mentioned before, these little things are all very much ovious to me, even if noone else might takeany notice of them at all.
The other thing that made me I relapsing?? - I feel as if there are odd moments during the day when I suddenly lose all motivation to gain weight. The voice inside me says...
  • You don't need to gain weight; you are strong and healthy as you are.
  • A skinny body suits you, being curvy and dumpy won't.
  • Won't it be terrible to not be the "little girl" anymore? Imagine being "normal"! You will have to think alll the time: it's ESSENTIAL that I don't gain anymore weight or I will become fat!
  • You need to stay a size 6...your clothes won't fit anymore! 
  • if you love your thinness, you will have nothing left - you will just be ugly and fat.
And so I give in to the voice and consciously eat less, or make the wrong choice, or choose to not eat something even though I really, really want to. And later on when I am in a more reflective frame of mind, I look back upon my day and feel like crying...why did I listen to the voice? Why can't it be replaced with one who reminds me instead of all the pluses of gaining, which I just seem to automatically forget, until it's too late...? I KNOW there is more reasons to gain then to stay stuck in this semi-recovery stage!!
Well,'s a new month and a new season. My summer has been so, so wonderful. Like that near-perfect  day I talked about in a recent would probably have been perfect. if it hadn't been for the few traces left of my ED which still get me down. But perhaps, this month, this season...I can learn to battle those few bits that are left and eradicate them completely. Starting today. Today...
  • I am going to write down all the reasons to recover on sticky notes and stick them on the top of my bunkbed so whenever I go to sleep or am sitting there in the evenings like I sometimes do, I will see them.
  • I'm going to write out my goals, my aims, what I want to achieve, all that there is to be gained by putting on weight, and put them on the sticky notes, too, as well as in my food diary.
  • I'm going to writer out all the ED habits and ways which I am worried might still be affecting me, and focus on beating them...bit by little bit it might be, but I'm hoping, by the end of this month...I might be rid of them entirely.
  • I'm going to have a big bowl of Shredded wheats for breakfast with my toast and pour lots of lovely warm milk on them.
  • I'm going to have a toasted roll for lunch; with cheese, and I'm going to leave it under the grill so that the cheese melts and goes gooey.
  • I'm going to have that white-choc coated oreo with hot choc.
  • I'm going to not pick bits off from the food on my plate at dinner, and consciously eat slowly, or spread it around my plate or anything.
  • I'm going to have those chocolate Celebrations that I found in my room the other day...yep, there were MALTESER ones, and galaxy, and twirl...all my favourites...on top of my banana pud. And I'm not going to feel guilty or bad about any of this!
Starting right NOW. It's breakfast time. Time to pop the toast in the toaster and put some milk in the microwave for those Shredded Wheats.;)

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