At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Monday, 15 September 2014
I take you for granted.
Firstly my family...my amazing, loving, supportive, wonderful family! Who, despite the shit that I put them through with my ED, are still there for me, every single part of every single waking day. Who have helped me to dry my tears and to learn to smile again, even on the blackest and gloomiest days. Who remind me that even if I lost everything, even if I am the most useless and pathetic human creature on the face of this earth...that I will always have them, and that they will always love me for who I am.
And all my friends...all those amazing individuals who one day just entered my life by chance...but words can't express how lucky and overjoyed I feel that they did. My life would never have been the same without my true, close friends. It's true that over the past few years I've learnt that not everyone who you happen to meet and become friendly with is exactly what you would call a real friend. I was naive and stupid for thinking that at one time. But I know who my true friends are, and I know that I can rely on them, that will always be willing to help and listen to me. My friends and family have made my world a brighter, happier place.
And all my furry friends too, many of which are no longer with me, but who will remain in my heart forever and whose memory I will never forget. They made me feel needed and loved when I felt so near to feeling nothing but useless and unwanted, than my presence on earth was worthless and unnecessary. I knew that they would always understand me that they would love me no less for the stupid, idiotic things I did; in those bright little eyes there was nothing but love.
And then something that really, really takes my breath away at this time of year, and makes me realise how precious and beautiful life really is? It's the natural beauty of my surroundings...from my very own garden to the lane upon which I walk with Benny every day, to the mountains where we go for a ramble sometimes at the weekends, to all the little woods near my home, and beyond that, of course, to all the other places that I have ever travelled to or visited. It's incredibly, incredibly beautiful...take this morning for example...as I walked out at around 7 am the flog was just clearing and I could just discern the crystal-clear blueness of that sky just about peeking through. And then I saw a hawthorn tree absolutely laden with blood-red berries. And the leaves of the trees are beginning to turn! Soon they will be all golden and copper and brown, and the forests will resemble a scene from a painter's easel...only far more superior. But even now though, in the early stages of autumn...the word stunning would do the beauty of those trees an injustice. They are still emerald green, but hints of tellow-gold are just beginning to appear. And I look upon them and think...how could I ever have wished, in those dark, sad times all those months ago, that my life would just end?
I know...I know, it is easy for me to say that now: and when we are down it is so easy to just forget all the goodness in our lives as the darkness swallows everything and consumes you. But well...it is not easy to stay positive...but it's not impossible to do, either. To focus on the positives and not the negatives when something bad happens. To believe things will get better and that everything happens for a reason. There is hope and light and happiness to be found, always, even when we are in the most darkest of places. We just need to remember that and keep our chins up and carry on!
I will leave you now with the little quote my mam found me and had posted on my facebook wall...it is so, so true of life and I hope it will stay with you, as it does for me. I scribbled this one, and a load of other inspiring quotes which spoke directly to my heart, on little slips of paper top be stuck at the top of my bed, in my food diary, on my desk...wherever I would see them every day so that I would read them and smile and think...everything will be ok. And I have so much to be grateful for, and I'm not going to take that for granted ever again.:)
Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.