For me, back then, a college day would usually mean...
- Waking up every day with a feeling of dread and anxiety...another day at college, for people to see the grey lines under my eyes and the dryness of my skin. To think: she is so small, she is so ugly, she looks such a mess.
- And waking up starving too, but too afraid to have a good breakfast, in case my stomach started to rumble later on in the day, forcing me to have some sort of lunch...and, according to my ED, eating a good breakfast AND lunch is most certainly NOT allowed.
- Feeling hungry in lectures but just ignoring the feeling, or saying to myself I will eat later, when I'm alone. But rarely fulfilling that promise.
- Having what I pretended to myself was lunch on my own in the library...usually this would consist of a piece of fruit and dry bread. If anything.
- telling myself that it was ok that my dinner in the evenings was usually nothing more than a few pieces of pasta, a slice of toast, a meagre bowl of cereal, a portion of vegetables.
- Going to bed with my stomach empty and starving...but always, always making this false promise to myself: It's ok, I know I didn't eat that much today, but I will make up for it tomorrow! Which I never, never did.