At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 8 September 2014

Today feels like a good day. :)

It does, it really really does. Last night before I went to sleep I sat up in  ed for a long, long time, staring at the Winnie the Pooh wallpaper of my room, but not really seeing anything. I think I have come to a sort of realisation once more...that even though I have taken some huge, scary leaps since May, even though I have taken an active stance against my ED in many respects...that still, there's alot more that needs to be done; and I've been kidding myself in saying that I am getting "better and better" by each passing day...because no, I'm not. I am better, but not getting more and more better: I'm half recovered, and my old ED thoughts are telling me sure that's fine, let's stay like this - we don't need to go any further. But no! I don't want to be like that, stuck in semi-recovery forever. I want FULL recovery, there are things I want to do with my life and achieve...which I know I won't be able to if I don't completely change my ways, as I outlined to you yesterday.

What has really made this become so clear to me all of a sudden...well, a few things really. My sore aching feet being one of you know there is nothing that makes me happier than blissfuly long walks with my dog Ben...but recently, my feet have been troubling me while I walk and have reduced my enjoyment of them somewhat. I'm beginning to wonder whether I've hurt them in some way...and, because of my fragility still, whatever is torn or strained or whatever is finding it hard to heal. :(

Secondly, college is starting again in two weeks :( and I feel scared and unprepared once more...I want to stay at home in my own little world and not have to worry about what people think og me and what I look like, that I stick out like a sore pin because I look so young and girl-like in a university. I know I detest my course and everything, but I can't help but wonder...would I really feel this anxious and insecure, if I was fully recovered? Would I not feel more mature, older, more confident of myself?...

And of my summer draws to a close, I get all reflective and meditative (one thing you must know about me is that I am such a daydreamer and I am constantly overthinking things and situations.) and look back upon all that has happened over the past 4 months with a sort of aching was lovely. But I know that such a wonderful summer would never have come into being if it hadn't been for the amazing, special people in my life. And I owe it to them...I want to do this for them...I will never, ever be able to make up for everything they've done for me, if I don't do this. And that's the most important thing of all for me to remember.

So today is different...and today is going to be a good day. I'm going to smile today and do the things that make me happy. And I am going to eat well and eat the things that I love. I don't choose anxiety and lingering ED thoughts and insecurity...I choose happiness, health, life: FULL recovery. :)

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