At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Monday, 8 September 2014
Today feels like a good day. :)
What has really made this become so clear to me all of a sudden...well, a few things really. My sore aching feet being one of them...as you know there is nothing that makes me happier than blissfuly long walks with my dog Ben...but recently, my feet have been troubling me while I walk and have reduced my enjoyment of them somewhat. I'm beginning to wonder whether I've hurt them in some way...and, because of my fragility still, whatever is torn or strained or whatever is finding it hard to heal. :(
Secondly, college is starting again in two weeks :( and I feel scared and unprepared once more...I want to stay at home in my own little world and not have to worry about what people think og me and what I look like, that I stick out like a sore pin because I look so young and girl-like in a university. I know I detest my course and everything, but I can't help but wonder...would I really feel this anxious and insecure, if I was fully recovered? Would I not feel more mature, older, more confident of myself?...
And of course...as my summer draws to a close, I get all reflective and meditative (one thing you must know about me is that I am such a daydreamer and I am constantly overthinking things and situations.) and look back upon all that has happened over the past 4 months with a sort of aching longing...it was just...so lovely. But I know that such a wonderful summer would never have come into being if it hadn't been for the amazing, special people in my life. And I owe it to them...I want to do this for them...I will never, ever be able to make up for everything they've done for me, if I don't do this. And that's the most important thing of all for me to remember.
So today is different...and today is going to be a good day. I'm going to smile today and do the things that make me happy. And I am going to eat well and eat the things that I love. I don't choose anxiety and lingering ED thoughts and insecurity...I choose happiness, health, life: FULL recovery. :)