At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

If I still had my ED...imagine everything I would be missing out on.

On Monday I endeavoured to make fish cakes for the first time ever...I have always wanted to try and make them in the past, but two things had always held me back. The first lone being, of course, that I was afraid to when I had my ED, because I was worried that I say my fish cakes turned out big and I was forced to have one whole one, or two whole ones....of having no control over the amount I had on my plate...the fear of having to do that always put me off making them. I didn't think Mam was overly keen on them either, so fish cake-making remained an unknown entity to me for a while.
But over the weekend Mam mentioned that she did indeed like fish cakes...and so I thought...why not. The old ED frettish thoughts tried to influence me but I paid them no heed. I wanted to try and make them for did I want to see if I liked them. They had prawns in them too, a seafood I had always consciously avoided...not only did the very look of them repulse me, but I knew from home ec that shellfish, unlike oily and white fish, was high in saturated fat...hence it was a big no-no for me to have back then.
 They weren't perfect, needless to say - they weren't quite as firm as they should have been, and didn't really go brown as they appeared in the picture of my recipe...but I can honestly say they tasted really, really good, despite their rather bedraggled appearance. And eating them made me ask myself the question which features as the title of this post today. Imagine, all the yummy foods I would be missing out on, if I still was living a life in which my ED was in full control?
 And yesterday evening was another example of was really cold last night and before bed, Mam had made me hot chocolate... (well even if it wasn't cold I would stil have had one of course.) no, what was unusual and only really occurs when it is cold at night is that Mam made herself an know, the malty-chocolate drink? I've never had it before...I was always too afraid to try it back then. But last night Mam let me have a teaspoon of hers. And it was....absolutely what melted malteser centres would taste like if I ever went to the trouble of attempting to melt them I suppose. ;)
So yes, it's just one of the many, many reasons to choose to you really want to just go through life too scared and nervous to try new things because you've heard some people say - or perhaps that should be, you've heard your ED say - that they are bad for you, that they are high in sugar, fat, calorie-dense, etc, etc?? I'm so glad that I am over that diet is now so varied and pretty exciting, such a drastic contrast to what it used to be.:)

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