At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Eating out with an ED.

Two weeks ago, the day before my sis arrived home to stay with us for a few days, I remember the feelings of excitement and happiness coursing through me. I hadn't see her in ages and I couldn't wait for a good proper catch-up. Also, the prospect of baking lots of Liz's favourite cakes - she, like me, has a bit of a sweet tooth and is also a fiend for all things chocolate; and would often chip in if I was baking when she was around, assisting me in licking out the chocolate bowl and nibbling on the chocolate chips, etc - and cooking a special family meal to share with all my loved ones always filled me with a sense of delight and self-content. But then, much to my disappointment, Mam mentioned those two words which once, when I had my ED, would have filled me with anxiety and apprehension. "eating out". And I still felt little twangs of those feelings two weeks ago...and I realised that I was afraid again. Why? Was it the thought of being moved out of my comfort zone? Of being served up a very large portion of food which I would be expected to eat? Of having to try something new and completely different? To not be in control of my food as I, for once, was not the one preparing it?
 I think those were my old fears...the above reasons, I think, were what caused me to be always so reluctant to eat out when I had my ED. But now it's more a case, I think, of...failure! Failing what? I suppose I am frightened of letting my family down again and letting any of my old habits show...and the risk of that happening does become more high when eating out. Being given a massive plate of food...I know I'm never expected to eat it all, but I recall all too well the last times we ate out and this occurred, and I felt uneasy and anxious, and that old voice was back in my head, You can't eat that, that's too much, eat as slow and as little as you can, let them know that it's too much and that you don't like it by not speaking or anything, etc...
 I really want to focus on eradicating that voice looking back now I know how much stress and frustration I caused my family whenever we ate out together. As my Mam says, eating out should be something to look forward to; not to get stressed about...and I really hope that in the future I will be able to make up for all those times in the past when what should have been a happy occasion was spoilt by my actions. So, the next time we eat out...I have made a solemn promise to ignore those voices in my head, to smile, to laugh, to eat and enjoy.

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