At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 7 September 2014

This is what I want to do...this is why I need to recover.

I know that summer is coming to a close, now. I wish with all my heart that it wasn’t…the thought of returning to college to go into third year of English Studies does nothing to thrill or excite me, not in the least. And I have just had such a lovely, lovely summer. 2014 will always be a memorable year for me…for many reasons, but most of all for being the year which I finally did realise I had an ED, and that I wanted and needed to do something about it…
Anyway, today I thought I would write out the things that I want to do and that I want to be…but I know that these things will only be brought about if I choose recovery and weight gain, not vice versa. It’s all the more reason to never give in, to fight ED thoughts and habits every hour of every day.
  • ·        I want to do this for my family, my friends, all my loved ones…I know that seeing me at a healthy weight would make them so happy.
  • ·         I want to be able to show people that you can recover from an ED if you only have the strength to do so and the courage to believe you can do so.
  • ·         I think I will be a better baker/cook too if I could just do it…and I don’t think I am a good “advertisement” for my own cooking at the weight I am at, at the moment.
  • ·         I would love to look into doing primary school teaching…but to do that I think I need to look a bit more mature. And I don’t think at the moment I am anything like that…I still feel very immature and insecure.
  • ·         Recently I hurt my foot and it’s affecting my walking somewhat. So that just serves as a reminder, too…if I ever did really hurt myself, it might take me a long time to recover properly because of my fragile slender frame. And I don’t have much body fat to protect myself.
  • ·         I would really love to be able to get back into writing my medieval book again…but it’s such a big project, and I want to take that on when I am fully recovered and feel able for it.:)
  • ·         I would love perhaps to be able to cycle and walk further than I already do, or perhaps even go to the gym sometimes or jog…again, I wouldn’t feel right in doing this until I am recovered and at a healthy weight.
  • ·         I would really like to become a lacto-ovo vegetarian but at the moment I know I can’t really as I’m not yet at a healthy weight and I need to eat a bit of meat and fish to gain weight.
  • ·         And in this semi-recovery stage…I feel as if I can’t really go shopping and buy clothes because…I don’t know what size to get. At the moment I am sort of a big size 6, or a little 8…but would it not be good for me to become an 8 in all shops? YES it would.:) and anyway…it’s a lot easier to find size 8 clothes than 6. And whereas in the past I would not have fitted the “Small” size in shops which don’t do 6, 8, 10 etc, I would be able to if I gained a bit of weight.

That’s all for now…there are more, but I have an appointment with my beloved Kenwood mixer now, so more later ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment