My search for...the real Emmy...

Thank you so so much for all your comments and thoughts written on here yesterday. <3 I am not going to lie, my mood did dip significantly over the weekend, which in turn affected my motivation and positivity levels. But your heartfelt words of support and encouragement really have helped me once again to pick myself up once again off the ground, shake away the rain and the dust from my face and body, and walk forwards along the slippery, rough-shod road, which seems to wind endlessly on and on forever. but I know at then end lies a radiant new horizon, and lush and fertile valley, a mountain peak at which I can stand and look out, look out over that breathtaking, magnificent view, and think to myself...

I have made it....

I am a prisoner no more...

I have escaped the entrapments of the fear, the anxiety, the restriction, the barriers which ED built around me. 

And now I can spread my wings and fly.

That is the place where I want to be, that is the place where I want to go.

Today on the bus home from Dublin, I sat and gazed out at the window in a state of sleepy contemplation, watching the countryside flicker by in all its soggy green lushness: a lushness that seems somewhat out of place in the knowledge that yes, it is mid-summer here in Ireland; and that, while our neighbours over the Irish Sea enjoy clear skies and warm sunshine, Ireland remains enveloped within a thick bubble of impermeable cloud. the  rain pelted relentlessly against the window, the droplets flinging themselves upon the glass and then cascading down in riverlets once they had landed; some of them branching out into even narrower little trickles as they did so, the patterns left in their wake more intricate and complex than the lacework upon a sleeve. Looking at them, my mind wandered up along tow very different branches of thought: one , being a memory of the past; the other, more of a reflection, a longing, of what could be.

The particular memory that came to me then, was of course of the day I returned from Trinity upon this very same bus (1.00 from george's quay), after being officially diagnosed with an eating disorder by my doctor at the clinic there, who had told me, on that bitter, icy-cold day back in November, that I had no choice but to leave college and receive professional treatment for my illness. It had been raining on that day, too, and my tears had flowed as freely as the raindrops that had poured from the sky. It felt like I was drowning in those tears, in that rain. It felt like my world had been submerged, destroyed, annihilated, by wave after wave of desolation.

But things have changed since then...

But the rain against my window as I rattled and umped my way home back to Laois, it also made me think of something else, too. Those intricate, maze-like networks or water droplets, led me to ruminate on just how complex human beings are, too. There are so many layers, so much depth, to each and every one of us. The vast multitudes of differences between every single individual; the countless number of traits and characteristics which make us unique; which makes us special.

And so I have a new mission for this month...perhaps you will join me too, on this mission of sorts?:)

That mission is to find the real and true Me...

Because so much of the time, the real Emmy is hidden, concealed, buried, suffocated beneath the walls of ED, the cloudy fog of depression, the immaturity...

So my aim this month is to tear down those walls, clear a path through the fog, break down the bars and barriers that have been imprisoning me for so so long.

And I suppose, there is the question. Of: who AM I? Who is the real Emmy?

Well, I suppose it is time for us all to find out - to find out who we really are. 

it's time to test our wings... <3