Why did I ever allow myself to think...that ED was the one who cared for me...

The Christmas tree is up, the twinkly lights are on and the scents of pine needles and pot-pourris linger in the air. My famous Santa hat (yes, the very same which you saw Benny posing in last year) has emerged from hibernation and has already been donned by me on numerous occasions since yesterday evening.

Our ancient, but much loved FAKE Christmas tree!!! <3

And you know, for once, I was able to put all the worry and upset over college aside, and just allow myself to enjoy being with my family. And to appreciate in life the things that really matter. Not to sound all sentimental, but to me now, what makes Christmas truly special, is just taking that time to perform these sweet little rituals, to just feel the presence of your loved ones around you, see the laughter and love in their eyes.

Deep inside me, embedded in one deep, hard knot of tightly-packed emotion, resides the guilt that never really leaves me, which, even at those times when I begin to feel those beautiful, sublime glimmers of joy and freedom warming the blood of my veins and making my heart feel like as if it could sing and glow, suddenly pushes itself forward, throwing the brightness into shadow, obscuring every trace of that beautiful light. It takes the form of an infinite, vast, dark cloud that engulfs that happiness and drives it away. So that my smile is always holding back the tears, so that that pure, untainted sense of joy, is always tinged with sorrow: the guilt which stems from knowing just how much I have hurt and betrayed and deceived my loved ones: my beloved family, my dear, special friends, from across the world. How could I be so selfish...why, oh why, did I prioritise obeying the Voice in my Head, over everything that I ever truly care for. How could I have put ED first; over my love for them?

And yet, they still have stood by me, as unflinchingly immovable as the rocks upon the seashore, strong and firm and unfaltering, against the fury of the tides which crash around them. And though that shore may be ever changing - that shore being the world that I know; the sea, the inexplicable forces of change at work around me and my loved ones...one truth remains the same.

I know that they will never give up on me...

I know that they will never stop caring.

And I know that I can do this, for them. They have been strong for me, for all of these long, hard, stormy years. Now it's my turn...to be strong and unfaltering and brave, for them.

Never let yourself forget, what, in this short, transitory little thing that we call life...what really matters.

Does that Voice...does that evil, malign horrible Voice in my Head, does that truly matter??

That voice which makes us starve ourselves, ceaselessly deceive our family and friends, push our bodies to the very brink of its existence, Which drives us into a state of fatigue, exhaustion: of an existence which can barely be termed as survival.

because living with that Voice, making that Voice believe that it is the thing in our lives which matters above everything else...that life, is hardly a real life at all. It is a living hell...and, more often than not, a death sentence.

Because it does hit me sometimes, just how close I got to hitting the rock bottom - how I essentially was balancing on the most narrowest of precipices; and how I only just managed to stop myself from falling. Falling, into an abyss of which there would have been no chance or hope of survival.

I want to leave that Voice behind...cast it away into the abyss; free myself from that belief that it is the Voice whick will make me happy: that it is the one who cares for me.

Yesterday afternoon, at home...the sitting room with the red wallpaper. The sound of the wind whistling softly outside. The reflection of the twinkly lights in the window beginning to become moist and foggy with the cold of the winter night. The warmth of Mam's hand around my own, as we stand together and gaze upon our beautiful, fully adorned, glistening Christmas tree, as bright and as radiant as if it had been scattered with dozen upon dozen of sparkling, radiant jewels.

This is what really matters to me...being with the people that I love.

This is where our relationship has to reach its end, Ed.

Because I no longer care for you. 

Day 16: List 5 things you are grateful for.

It's so hard to limit this to just 5 things...because when I sat and thought about this, I realised that I actually have so, so many things to be grateful for. :) xxx

My amazing Mam and Dad.

Words can't even begin to express just how grateful I am for my Mam and Dad, and just how much they mean to me.
 Despite all the times I have let them down, despite all the deceit; despite all the tears, the heartbreak, the anger and frustration I pulled them through, my Mam and Dad have been by my side through it all, refusing to give up on me. Their love for me is unconditional. I know all they want most in the world is for me to be happy, and healthy.

My friends and readers. <3

Without the support, love and encouragement of my friends, recovery would have been literally impossible. I know that my life would be empty without friendship and the incredible, amazing friends which I have formed such close bonds with. They have helped to pick me up when I fell down, helped me to smile and laugh again when everything seemed hopeless; and made me realise that life is worth fighting for.
And then, of course, all my readers. I know, that I haven't met you in person, but I just wanted you all to know I think of you all as very special friends. Every single little comment, piece of advice, words of support or encouragement; even just taking the time to read my blog. You have helped me so, so much more than you will ever realise. I will never be able to thank you enough.<3 xxx

If only I was able to reach out through my screen and hug you now, and thank you with all my heart for what you have done for me...make you realise just how much you mean to me, what a difference you have made to my life. <3 xxx

My home.

Derryguile House, my beautiful, cosy home nestled in the heart of the Irish midlands. My home is a very special place to me. It is a place of warmth and comfort, of peace and security. I have lived here since I was four years old, but my love of this house has never been altered. I love my garden, with its flowerbeds and trees and the little orchard at the very back, flanked by the tall conifer hedge where as a child I would play and hide. I love the conservatory that overlooks the garden, where I can sit on the little couch and watch the song birds flitting to and from the bird table and the branches of the blossom tree dip and bob in the breeze. I love my snug little room at the top of the house, the kitchen with its blue tiles and sparkly clean cupboards. My sanctuary, my safe haven, my home.

Everything my body has done for me, despite the hell I put it through, the abuse, the starvation, and overexercise.

Over the past few years, I have misused and abused my body to the extent to which I could have caused it enormous and irreversible damage. i starved it and deprived it of proper nourishment.  Everytime I overexercised, I put my body under massive strain, pushing it and pushing it to the brink of exhaustion.
 And yet, my body refused to give up on me. It did what it could, with the sparse nutrition and care that I gave it. it kept my blood pumping, my brain working, my heart beating. On and on I went, relentlessly putting my body under immense stress every day, yet it still struggled on, fighting to keep me alive.

I am so, so grateful now, for what it has done for me. I know now is the time for me to take proper care of my body, and nurse it back to full health.

The beauty and goodness in everyday life.

Taking life for granted is something that many people would admit to being guilty of, myself included. half the time we are just so busy, so caught up in the mad rush of work or college or school, that we often fail to take into account just how beautiful, how stunning our world really is. Walking out in the woods on Sunday with daddy and Matty, I found myself surrounded by real, unspoilt, natural beauty. The emerald-green canopy above our heads of hundred upon hundreds of intricately veined, fresh new leaves. Birds called from those very branches, their sweet, trilling melodies more beautiful than any music. And then, the flowers...bluebells, forming a hazy blue mist across the forest floor; tiny white wood sorrel in their little beds of three-leafed shamrock, dainty violets and golden marsh marigolds, clustered together on the banks of the bubbling brooks that chattered over the silvery rocks.

 Alongside that, another thing I am so, so grateful for, is the kindness and goodness that can be found in the people around us. Something as simple as a smile or a hug, a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on; a random act of pure kindness. And we experience these every day; it's just that half the time we may fail to notice or acknowldege them. I find a really helpful exercise to do is at the end of each day to write down 3 or 5 positive things that you are grateful for or which happened to you that day. Here is the one I wrote this evening for example.:)

• I got to sit out in the garden at the hospital before lunch and talk with my friends in the sunshine.
• My Mam made me my favourite tea tonight, a baked potatoe topped with melted cheese and served with baby plum tomatoes and salad, and then followed by my alltime favourite, banana and hot custard with a load of melted choc on top!:)
• My friend and I have planned for a little day trip next week! :)
• I have 4 days off before I have to go back to the hospital!:)
• A lady at the hospital complimented me on my new stripy dress, I didnt know who she was but she smiled at me and cheered me up. :) 
• And I wrote a blog post which really helped me to realise just how fortunate I am, to have so many wonderful things to e grateful for in my life. <3 xxx

Day 11: What motivated you to enter recovery?

For eight long years, I was completely lost in the sea which my eating disorder had created for me...and I was powerless to resist its domineering, manipulative Voice. A Voice that occupied my head every single minute of every single hour of every single day in which I breathed...or tried to breathe, because it felt at times it was suffocating me.

yet I clung to it, clung to it  like a drowning girl grasping a slippery piece of driftwood, lost in the depthless expanses of some terrible, endless ocean. For a while the driftwood provides comfort, salvation for her. She allows herself to think she is safe and this flimsy thing on which she has pinned all her hopes on will never let her down. But it does, of course, and suddenly she is falling,falling, swallowed up by that terrible grey sea which washes over her without mercy, reclaiming her for its own.

And Anorexia is like that, in many ways...the driftwood is the Voice and its lies, the Voice which you put all your trust in; but ineveitably, of course, that Voice will cast you down without one drop of remorse. And then that sea is is the force which is the force of an eating disorder; a force that submerges you, pulls you under, drowns you, destroys you...

This is what was happening to me, until the day when something moved deep inside me, and I suddenly realised that, no, I was not living - I was drowning. All of a sudden everything changed me and I realised I wanted to recover and fight for my life...

There were a number of things which motivated me to enter recovery. First and foremost, of course, the deep love I possessed for those who cared about me. Whenever I was with them, I could feel their pain; sense their concern and frustration. They were so, so worried about me...but they knew, that they could not help me until I decided that i wanted to help myself.

Another fundamental motivation for me to recover was my recognition of the extent to which my eating disorder had damaged and harmed my body. This recognition was really driven home to me in November last year, when my college doctor pointed out to me that the reason why I had seemingly injured my foot without having actually fallen, slipped, or enagaged in any kind of impact activity, was because my body was so undernourished and my bones and muscles were more than likely damaged and in a very bad way. And then, of course, there was the osteoporosis diagnosis. This was a horrible, horrible blow to the head for me. it was yet another testimony to just howmuch my eating disorder had cost me. The few weeks following my diagnosis were very, very tough for me. I wanted to give up, because it felt like, after having been through so, so much, my anorexia really had triumphed, this time.

I didnt think there was anything left for me to recover for.

But then, after nights of crying myself to sleep, dragging myself through the day and faking countless smiles to those around me; of concealing the hurricane of emotions deep inside me which clawed at my heart; threatening to tear me apart altogether...then, I suddenly realised that I needed to pick myself up again. that no, serious osteoporosis did not mean that my eating disorder had won; or that I should just give in to it. In fact, I knew that it should be quite the opposite. I had to see my osteoporosis as motivationto recover...as it was possible, that I could improve my bones and make them stronger, if I continued to nourish my body and fight my eating disorder.

And of course, last but most certainly not least...my little blog and my readers. You all have played such an important part in motivating me to enter recovery. Your support, helpful advice, words of encouragement. for simply taking the time to read my blog, or leaving me a little comment on any particular blog post...I've said it once I know, but I say it again, because I really do mean it, with all my heart. Thank you so, so much, for reading my blog, for writing a comment, for thinking of me, for supporting me...you have no idea just how much this means to me. Thank you, so, so much. <3 xxx

One of my first outings out after being discharged from hospital :) xxx

Day 4...Have you ever hurt or caused pain to someone else, apart from yourself, because of your eating disorder?

It would be an understatement to say that an eating disorder is one of the most cruelest of human diseases...

...Because of the ways in which it touches - in the most damaging, destructive, and potentially devastating of ways - not only the life of the sufferer, but the lives of the sufferer's friends, family, loved ones.

I can relate to this wholly and completely, in regard to all those I love and hold dear.
It hurts me so much, every single day, to think of how they have been hurt by my eating disorder, how much they have suffered. Every day, a crippling sense of guilt claws at my heart, because deep down, I still do blame myself for what happened. Though through the help and support I have received over the past few months, I am now beginning to attempt to challenge this core central belief of mine, which has been with me ever since the day I recognised that I had an eating disorder. That it is your fault, Emmy. You are an awful, selfish person. You can't throw off this disorder which has caused - and still causes - your loved ones so much pain and heartbreak!! 

This is what I know I need to accept and take as my new little belief, and which, as I write to you now, I beg you to adopt, too. This being, that You did not choose to become sick, you do not CHOOSE to struggle as you attempt to shake off this sickness. Would you blame yourself if you developed cancer? If you broke a leg? If your appendix became infected and you had to have it removed? An eating disorder is an illness, NOT a choice. You are not to blame for having developed an eating disorder. You did not choose this illness. But like all those brave, determined people out there who are choosing to fight their illness or condition - the young boy who has broken his ankle but is forcing himself to rest every day in order to allow the essential healing and recovery process take place , the lady who has been diagnosed with breast cancer but who has refused to resign herself to her fate and has gone into treatment to receive chemotherapy...

YOU - yes, YOU - can choose to not give up, and to fight this illness before it destroys you...

I know that my eating disorder has hurt and caused pain to so many of my loved ones. For example...my Mam. My beautiful, strong, inspiring, loving Mam who has dedicated so much of her life, her time, to caring for me, for looking out for me, for holding me close when I cried and sobbed that I couldn't do it. She has been there for me every step of the way. Ever since I opened up to her that day in May, when I told her that I was struggling, sinking in that cold, cold sea, the sea of my eating disorder, and allowing it to submerge and drown me...she has always, always been at my side. She has never given up on me. And I know she never will.

I have lost count of the amount of times, when I have looked into Mam's eyes and have had to look away before she realised that what I saw reflected in them nearly made me weep bitter, angry tears on the spot, every single time. Because I know Mam has gone through so, so much pain and hurt through my illness. To initially see me so sick, so frail, so weak. And then, now that I have actually gained weight, I know that my eating disorder still causes her to suffer. because she can see what I don't see, what ED won't allow me to see. That I look a hundred times more healthier than the way I was before. But I am struggling to accept my new body, and I am still, after all this time, far from free of an eating disorder. And I know that Mam knows this, that she sees it in me every day. And I know that this hurts her. I know that it almost is enough to break her heart.

But I know, the best gift I could give my Mam, would be my recovery...my full recovery. Iknow nothing will make her happier than for to see me happy again, to see a genuine smile of pure joy on my face. To see me embracing and living life to the full.

Remember this. You did not choose to have an eating disorder. You did not choose to hurt your loved ones, to cause them so much pain and suffering and grief. But. You CAN choose recovery. You can choose to fight your eating disorder. You can choose to make your loved ones smile again, to never be hurt again. You can choose to make them happy, to never be hurt again by your eating disorder.

You can choose recovery. <3 xxx