Getting back my hunger cues!! ;) And realising that it is me who has the power...

Texting my friend on the train home on Monday, I asked her how her day had been and what she was currently up to. Her reply: "Ah it was grand Em, was just workin on d thesis and am now cukin d t...how about u what u doin?!" My reply consisted of a range of smiley emoticons, including one of a little squirrel munching on acorns. "eatin again hun!"  Because that, after all, was exactly what I was doing again: having one of my many on the go snacks; on this occasion, about 40 grams of roasted peanuts and cashews, the jumbo ones that mammy gets for me in tesco, which are chunky, salty and very moreish indeed, it has to be said. I pressed send and then sat contently back in my chair and munched on a particularly large cashew. My friend answered almost immediately though, sending me a thumbs up symbol and a number of cheering emoticons in order to convey her approval. "Gud woman urself, Em!"

And it's true, last week, I actually did allow myself to feel a little bit of smug self-appraisal: something which doesn't come very naturally to me at all, I can assure you! Well, I guess It felt even better in that I was basically stuffing it in ED's stupid gaping face. That's how I picture it now, you see, every single time that I eat. ED, staring  and gaping in sheer disbelief, its formerly cruelly twisted, sneering mouth now hanging open like some sort of stunned goldfish, barely able to quite comprehend what is currently taking place before its very eyes. That being, of course, my revolution. The one who ED thought was weak, the one who it oppressed and enslaved: she is now fighting back, and fighting back with a vengeance. And, in the same manner and approach which ED took when it first came into my life, all those years ago, she is not prepared to take any prisoners. Only one of us can win this battle, Ed.


One of the nicest things of all is though, is that what I initially feared would never, ever happen has, in fact, happened!! That being, the return of my (actually, pretty damn good!) appetite. Im sure you dont need me to tell you the effects anorexia has on the digestive system - not that Im an expert on this, or anything. The little I do know, I have gathered solely from what I have experienced myself while being in recovery, and from what I have read online. But it is very much true to say that when you restrict your intake for an extended period of time, the stomach seems to shrink and you lose a good proportion of your appetite. This was certainly the case for me anyway. To think, that only just a few months ago now, I would have felt bloated and stuffed from eating a measly bowl of cereal, and that an apple was plenty sufficient to keep me going for a good few hours until lunchtime.

What the feck...?!!!

Yep, the very thought of that now makes me want to shake my head in disbelief...

I am now following my meal plan 100% every day and I have to say I am really enjoying doing so!! Yes, I am not going to lie, it was very hard and scary at first. I felt bloated and uncomfortably full and was convinced that I would never e able to keep it up. The food intake that I knew I now had to consume, appeared enormous. But this time, I gave it my absolute all. And that is what recovery takes...that is what recovery requires. Your absolute 100%, over and over again, hour after every hour, day and every single day.

It's true. the first few days are tough. But please, please hear me now when I say this. It DOES get easier. The discomfort WILL go away, eventually (but ONLY if you persist with the process and do NOTgive up half way.) You CAN, and WILL get through this. You can. You just have to breathe, take courage, and let it go. Let go of all those rules and regulations, the fears implanted by ED which have established themselves as your principals for life. It's NOT true. it's time to scrap those principals...destroy them, totally and completely. For those ED rules will destroy you if you let them...it's time to be brave and tear them down.

When I fell back into restrictive ways, one of the things I was constantly fixated with was NOT being full. Fullness =  panic and anxiety to me..and more than likely, some form of restriction when ever I could get away with doing so. They very thought of it now seems crazy to me now, but I know very much at the time how real that fixation was. It seemed...so impossible to break. But break it I did.

I guess the most important thing I want you all to get out of this post, is this. Fear - fear created within your own head, by your own mind - is a powerful, powerful thing. But not as powerful as YOU.
It is you, not your thoughts, who ultimately is the one who has the control.

You can choose to act upon these thoughts and fears; let them control you...

Or you can choose to overcome them. YOU can choose to be the one who is in control. YOU can choose to overpower ED.

So yes..to continue where I left off before I went off on a tangent again. Having persisted with following the meal plan for about a week or so, determinedly plodding on, fighting the voice and the anxiety and making myself eat even when I felt full and bloated and food was the last thing on earth I wanted to touch - I began to notice how the constant bloaty feelings were beginning to gradually lessen as the week wore on. And I could clearly see the signs of my returning appetite: I began to feel peckish, even hungry, despite the fact I was not restricting. It was scary at first, and I felt somewhat daunted and confused aout what was happening. but then, I realised that this was a GOOD thing; and that I have absolutely nothing to be apprehensive about.  In fact, I feel fully ready, depending on how weigh in goes on sunday, to up my meal plan that one bit more, if that's what beating Ed is to entail.

Anyway, here was morning snack today <3 I made a beautiful loaf of my alltime favourite bread, wholegrain spelt with pumpkin and sunflower seeds. Having deftly cut the loaf (oh how I love doing that <3 ) into thick slices after breakfast this morning, I put aside one of the said slices, bunged the rest in the freezer for further snackies during the week, and then popped the reserved one in the toaster, pottering to the cupboard to get out a plate AND of course the jar of one of the most divine concoctions know to human kind (aka. peanut butter ;)) while waiting for the battered old toaster to work its magic. And then, ta-da...a mug of Mammy's hot choc, and generous slathering of Utterly spread (ahem. or should I say the Aldi equivalent. ) and, of course, a good dollop of peanut butter...now THAT's an exceptionally yummy morning snack... ;)

My Meal Plan Mission...Part 2

Two days ago I opened up about my struggles with sticking to my meal plan, and the important realisations I had come to, in acknowledging the fact that despite the fact that yes, I have successfully gained weight and reached a much healthier bmi... it is still absolutely crucial that I continue to both nourish and care for my body; as there is still a significant amount of work to be done in terms of both my physical and mental recovery. Today I thought I would write a little about how I plan to tackle this problem and get myself back on track. I hope that by sharing my advice and thoughts on this,I wil be able to help anyone else who is finding it hard to keep to their meal plan or just finding recovery and eating enough challenging in general.

So...how to do it?

In this sort of situation (ie. you are not following your meal plan) there are a number of different scenarios which might apply to you.

• You have, after having followed your meal plan well for some time, suddenly feel a strong reluctance to do so any more, and am considering on missing out on "something" tomorrow, say.
• You have gradually started to cheat on your meal plan but you think it's okay because you're only missing out on a few small things a day
• You are cheating on your meal plan and you are very much aware of the fact that you are deliberately missing out on a number of things during the day
• You are not following your meal plan at all.

Now for the first two options, I know that this is so, so much easier said then done but I am going to say it anyway, and please, please, please, if you are in this kind of sitaution and am considering or gradually have started to cheat on your meal plan...You need to STOP yourself, stop your eating disorder, right now. Because once you have skipped something more than once, it will, despite all your best intentions, it will all too easily become a habit; and you dont need me to tell you, that habits are extremely difficult to break once you get stuck into doing them.

If you are like me and are sort of at the third stage of "cheating on your meal plan", or are purposely choosing not to follow it at all...then you are also at an equally important crossroads in terms of your recovery...and as in the previous situation, it is so, so important that you get yourself back on track as soon as possible.

But the question is, of course, is how to do just that. Its not a matter of waking up in the morning thinking to yourself, "I didnt follow my meal plan yesterday. But tomorrow I am going to, I will follow it 100% tomorrow." No, no and no!! One thing I have learnt in ED recovery is that putting things off is NOT a good idea. Because if you put something off till tomorrow say, and then tomorrow comes around and then you wil more than likely feel overwhelmed and think, no actually, I'm not ready, Im going to do it tomorrow, not today. And you will just keep on putting it off, again and again and again, and you won't make any positive changes whatsoever.

I am very much guilty of doing this, too - I put my hands up right now and confess, yep, I do that and it's something i myself am trying my best to work on.

If you find that after a period of not following your meal plan and you have been missing out on a significant amount of items on it, the best advice I could give you is to ease yourself back into the routine of following it SLOWLY so you don't become too overwhelmed!! This is what I am currently doing at the moment as I strive to get myself back on track. I'll explain more about this in detail in Part 3 of this post.

Here are some other tips which might help you to keep to, or get back into following, your meal plan. I'm going to try and use these myself over the next few weeks so it felt good to get them down onto paper...

• Tell a friend or a family member what it is exactly you are struggling with right now. Whether it be meals, missing out on snacks, not finishing stuff or anything. You don't need to give them the whole picture if you don't want to. Just explain that you are finding this certain thing hard, and you really need their support right now to get you back on track.
• Always try to eat with others. For example always try to eat your meals together if you are living with someone. 
• This might seem silly advice but I use this technique sometimes and I actually find that it really helps! When you feel as if you are about to do something which is wrong in regards to the meal plan, just stop and take a deep long breath and think of an image of a loved one or a dear friend in your mind. Then think...what would they say if they knew what you were doing? what would they feel? Would they be upset, disappointed, angry, sad? I always try to think like this - I often think of how I will be letting my readers down if I cheat and this helps to keep me on track. Or I make up an image in my head of someone I deeply care about, try and imagine their voice in my head, urging me to eat and follow my meal plan.
• Talk back to your Ed. If the ED Voice says, for example, "Dont have that toast, just throw it in the bin" you can say back to it, "No. I will eat my toast and not throw it away. Firstly, because this food is going to help me get better...by eating it I am defying you, a Voice that is trying to control and harm me. And throwing food away is wasteful. I am not going to listen to you." (I dont' want people to think I am encouraging swearing or anything, But anyway, I dont know if this is helpful to anyone but I often finish off my ED conversation with a defiant "F*** you, ED!!" I just find it helps me to vent out some of my anger at it and make me feel that one bit better. :p
• Repeat mantras or helpful quotes in your head whenever you feel overwhelmed or anxious.
• If you feel a strong urge to restrict (or engage in any other kind of behaviour) I always think calling a friend or someone who cares really helps. Even if someone is not actually there with you, just hearing a caring voice and having someone to listen to you is such a massive help and comfort in itself.
• Distract while you eat, to keep your mind busy and off the intrusive ED thoughts. Have a conversation with someone, ideally. Watch TV or read recovery blogs!
• Buy foods which you like and enjoy and are likely to eat! It's no good trying to force yourself to eat foods you dislike as this willl just make things ten times harder and will more than likely make you want to just skip stuff even more. 
• hang up the meal plan somewhere you(and, if you are living with family/friends etc,), can see it. On your wall, noticeboard, fridge, diary, wherever. Somewhere where you will be constantly reminded of what you should be having. 
• Pick a nice little notebook (here's my own one, I think its very cute :)) to be your food diary - Every morning or perhaps the evening before, plan out what you are going to eat that day, with little tickboxes beside each item which you can tick off when you've had it. I always find its a good idea to decide what you are having beforehand, as from experience when I can't decide I end up dithering for ages and oftentimes ended up not having anything. 

My adorable little food diary! :)

And here is another post I wrote back in April which has a few more tips which might help:

http://ganache-elf.blogspot.ie/2015/04/recovering-alone-advice.html

I hope you found this post helpful. Don't forget I am always here for you if you want to email me! I know I am no professional or anything but I will listen and try to help you as best as I can. <3

In Part 3 of Meal Plan Mission I will talk a little bit more about my own endeavours with following my meal plan and the methods I am using. I know the next few weeks are not going to be easy but I know I just need to let go and believe in myself, and take on my own advice - another thing I know that I am not so good at!! Thank you so, so much to every single person out there who have helped and supported me and given me the best advice in the world. You are all incredible and my heart goes out to you all. <3 xxx