The Rebellion...

You are not allowed to finish your hot chocolate; it is absolutely obligatory that you leave at least some in the mug...
You aren't allowed to eat the whole piece of bread. You have pick some bits off it...
You can't have sweet treats during the day, as you eat too much chocolate in the evening...
You must not clean your bowl or plate...
If you have a big hot chocolate or snack too near lunchtime, then you can't have a proper lunch...
You can't have any more than a tiny handful of nuts. And always put some of them (half at least) back in the bag once you have measured them out...

Just a small extract, of the so-called list of  ED rules; each and every one of which I know, that I must rebel against and break down.

When it came into my life all those years ago, ED spared me not a single ounce of pity. So I guess it's past time for me, to play it at its own stupid game: to adopt the very same strategies and techniques, which ED used to ensnare me in its webs of falsity and deceit all those years ago. I need to be ruthlessly and brutally assertive, when it comes to fighting this monster. I can't afford to be the one who shows it any pity, now. Otherwise, I will be the one to lose this fight.

To make it a it more coherent for me I categorised them under a number of headings: dinner, lunch, breakfast and snacks, and finally a more general one. I'm not entirely sure how many to take on at a time..I was thinking perhaps three a week.

I know that I did make a post like this back in November Tear down those Rules . I looked over this this morning as I was finishing off this post, incorporating the rules I mentioned here before into my new "revised" list. Because I realise now that when I first wrote my original list...I unintentionally and unconsciously left out a significant number of these rules. Some of them are more hidden, vague or obscure, but this does not, in any way at all, make them any less real.

I'm glad to say that since I wrote that post, I have certainly tackled and addressed at least some of these rules, and seeing how I have made some progress since this time a few months ago does give me a true sense of hope and renewed strength. But talking is the easy part, I know...it's in the action itself where the true challenge really lies. But I amdetermined to stay strong, and do everything in my power to make 2016 the year that I smash, break, tear up this thing for good. The Year of Our Rebellion...against the tyranny of ED...

walking at dusk with Mam and Dad yesterday...

I could almost feel, the sense of change, in the beauty of that evening sky.

And so, as before, I wrote out the ED rules in full...and then drew up another list, a list of Emmy's New Rules: the opposite of ED's ones. Starting off with the general ones:

• Stick to my meal plan every day…
• To not ever skip a meal, a snack or a hot choc..
• To challenge myself by eating my fear foods..
• To not hold back from trying new things.

Breakfast…

• Always have a good breakfast, as this is the one time I feel the most hungry..
• If possible have it with others, but don’t make yourself go hungry either!! (unfortunately everyone else at home has breakfast about 10 when they're here..which is a it too late for me...I get hungry way before then!! :o ;) )
• Vary my cereal from day to day
• Have a GOOD bowl of cereal, don’t be stingy
• If porridge/readybrek don’t make it too dry.
• Toast: don’t pick off bits unless they’re burnt, etc.
• Don’t feel I have to minimise on peanut butter. Have over a tsp!!

Snacks…

• Vary my snacks from day to day..
• Do not refrain from having scones/teacakes etc, just because Mam doesn’t offer to do them for me anymore…
• If nuts, have a GOOD handful
• If bread and PB – don’t pick off bits and have a good dollop of pb..
• Dont be afraid of having certain snacks like the half bagel, or granola bar. 

Lunch…

• Again don’t pick off any bits!!!
• Vary filling from day to day. Don't always go for the "safe" option!!
• When making lunch for myself...ensure that I give myself enough of the protein filling!! This is the one thing that for some reason I seem to have a big issue with...think “if Mam was here with me now, what would she think if she saw this amount?”

Dinner…

• To be talkative and chatty at dinnertimes. To engage in the conversation and not let the ED anxiety overwhelm me. 
• To thank mam for my food..
• To not pick off bits of food
• To not push food off my plate
• To not spread food around my plate
• To clean my plate and my dessert bowl
• To not take small, minimalist portions of potatoes or whatever is on the table for serving oneself. Ask Mam to help me if I am struggling!!

So, for this Week, Sunday 3rd January to the 10th: here is what I am going to primarily focus on and use for my goals! :D

• I think the dinner ones for me are particularly important for me to address first..because there were a few mealtimes over Christmas which I strongly feel were spoiled because of my behavior :'( as in, me not talking or making the effort to communicate with anyone, just sitting there enveloped in impenetrable silence, letting the anxiety literally consume me. And I am really, really anxious to change this. So for this week I am going to focus on being chatty and as chirpy as I can manage to be at dinner, no matter how loud ED voice may get. because I know myself..there has been many a family dinner when I so desperately wanted to speak to my loved ones, but I could not; alongside the anxiety, I suppose there was also part of me which was going along with ED's conviction that I have to "bottle up" to make everyone aware of my distress. And besides, I am hopeful that if I make the effort to talk, I will begin to feel much more comfortable and relaxed. 
• Alongside number 1 of the dinner goals...this week I am also going to tackle the third of the lunch goals. The reason mainly being that I know it is really, really important for me to make sure I am getting enough protein/calcium and I know full well that when I make lunch for myself...I do not give myself enough of the protein filling (ie. I would put in a roll a few measly scraps of cheese, less than a thin slice of ham, a small dollop of tuna mayo, etc.) So this definitely needs to be addressed asap.
• The cleaning of the plate/bowl/mug: I will continue to work on this week. I know I've used this as a goal before, and I have had some success with it - dessert bowl is no longer a problem (i always used to leave some of the lovely custard :'( but recently I have addressed this and now there isn't a spoon of lovvely custard left in that bowl!! ;) dinner plate, still needs to e worked on - some nights I do, other times, not so well, and I have to be prompted to "eat that bit of chicken, emmy!! " etc. so the aim is not to have to be prompted anymore. I hate wasting food and I know that leaving stuff on the plate is just another stupid rule created by ED which has to be broken!! :D

As I mentioned before, a few of these new rules I have already been successfully putting into place for some time now, but as long as I continue to make progress, I guess it will be of no harm to incorporate them into my goals too, just so that I keep up to date with them.

So...here goes...the time for me to rebel against the code of ED...to smash the chains constructed through those rules, and set myself, and my recovery, free. Free to grow, to reach for the sky. <3 xxx

The Storm...

One thing that never ceases to amaze me, is the extent to which an eating disorder can infiltrate itself into every single aspect of a person's life...the degree of power which it exerts, over the mind and the actions of the sufferer.

On Christmas Eve, following the unfolding of what had been, for me anyway, a very upsetting and bitterly disheartening end to what could have been the perfect ending to a truly beautiful day- that being, of course, the incident with the dessert which I referred to in an earlier post - I sat by the fire later on with my hot choc and laptop and endeavoured to write out a complete and brutally honest list of the ED rules currently present in my life. And I suppose that's when it really hit me, sitting there with this list in front of me: a list written by me, for me; and which, in its simplicity, made manifest the sheer enormity of ED's power and authority...over me.

I have to admit...I felt a dark, overwhelming sense of crushing despair building up within my skull, as I sat there, frozen in my little chair, staring at the page in front of me. There were just...so many. So many chains and iron shackles for me to break, so many barriers which I have to tear down. Everyone else in the room with me were laughing and smiling and settling down to enjoy their evening in front of the blazing, cosily warm log fire. But for me, however, there was no warmth, no laughter, no smiles. No calm in my head: just a raging, ceaseless, pulsating thudding, as if my head was being bashed, again and again, against a bbrick wall. The fire might as well have not been there...for I felt chilled to the bone.

So many barriers...so many chains...
so much...noise...in my head.
How will I ever succeed?
How will I ever calm this...storm?

 

The past few days here in Ireland, icy winds and heavy rain have battered the island from all sides, storm after storm rolling in off the Atlantic with the wrathful, violent ferocity of a starving predator with the scent of blood in its nostrils. The sun remained obscured beneath a heavy, suffocating cover of thick, interpenerable cloud; the rain, lashing down without relent, pelting against walls and windows to gather in grimy puddles on the ground.

On just one of those particular days, I had tentativvely crept to my bedroom window and had gazed out at the terrible, sublime beauty of what was a real winter storm in its unbridled and terrible fury. A wildness so...powerful, I could feel it as surely as if I was standing there, right out in the very midst of it, staring into the very eye of that storm and allowing the ice-cold rainwater to soak into my clothes and body.

The thought, of that...being out there, at the very mercy of such a wild, untameable, force of nature...was unnerving, to say the least, but I did not draw back from the window, but yet remained with one hand against the glass so that my fingers left small circles upon the condensed up, foggy edge. Afraid... but it was not the storm. Not the storm which held me there, motionless; like a frozen shadow by the window. No...it was something else.

Because even though the storm did frighten me...what frightened me more was in that storm, I saw a startling and vivid reflection of my very own mindset. The outer mirroring the inner: the exterior reflecting the interior. Because that's what it feels like, deep inside me...my mindset, my inner psyche, like a exposed winter landscape, rendered helpless to the pitiless fury of the approaching storm.

Emotions, as charged and as palpable as lightning, striking down to either side of me, making me want to flee out of terror of their intensity: to flee, in search of some safe, non-existent place; for I know that there is no escaping this storm, this storm which has blown up within my very own head . Sensations, washing over me like rain, ceaselessly pouring down all around me to create rushing, swirling whirlpools which threaten to engulf me in their wake and bear me away without pity. And then...then, there is The Voice. Screaming and howling its way across my brain, cutting and slicing its way through my skin with as much force and remorseless cruelty as an icy winter wind.

I finally withdrew from the window, shivering, an icy chill having suddenly spread all over my skin, causing goosebumps to appear upon my arms and icicle like sensations to run across my back. A feeling not unfamiliar to me; for this was how I felt just a few days before: the night of Christmas Eve, sitting by the fire with my family, but unable to feel a single flicker of its warmth. I just felt so...overwhelmed. ED appeared so big, then. So vast, so limitless, so infinitely, terrifyingly immense.

And the truth is...an eating disorder is, like that great storm.

It is immense, it is vast. It is a terrible and potentially fatal disease which has claimed the lives of so, so mnay victims; destroying and crushing the lives of others who manage to cling onto the fragile strings of the thing that we call life. But. Please hear me now when I say...that eating disorders are not undefeatable. And, just like the storm...it can be faced. It can be battled through. We cannot let it hold us for any longer, entrapped within the fear of its power and apparent impregnability. We can, and will, fight our way though... <3 xxx

And I know that it is going to be so, so hard, to stand directly against that wind, to not let it keel me over. It's going to be hard, and scary, and pure terrifying. But I realise that that is xactly and precisely what I have to do, in 2016. by myself. Last year, things were different. I confronted my fears because I had to: I was forced to, in the confinements of the hospital; I didn't have a choice. but now, my situation is completely and fundamentally different. My recovery and my life are in my very own hands.

And I can choose to let this storm destroy me, now.

Or I can choose...to fight, and stand tall and firm against the wind and the rain.

I have to do the things which terrify me...confront them, straight on.

As for my list of ED habits and behaviours...

I am determined, more than ever, to work on it; for I realise, I can be stronger than the storm. I just need to find the courage to believe in myself. To not flee from the storm for any longer. But to step out and dance in the rain, and know that I am the one in control.

It took alot of willpower, and self-discipline, and strength, to build those habits and enforce them in my life.

But habits can be undone.

And if I was able to utilise all of that strength and stubbornness and self-control before...

I know that there is nothing in the world to stop me, from using those very same traits once again...only this time, to undo those damaging, obsessive, an destructive habits and behaviors.

Step by little step, we will make it up this mountain. <3
No matter how hard that storm may rage against us,
We will stay strong against those harsh winds,
And the clouds will clear, and the thunder will be silenced.
And then out of the mist shall rise our beautiful, golden sun.
a life of hope and promise and light.
which, like the sun that spills its light upon our earth...
may dim and fade at times, as clouds gather about it, blocking out the brigtness, darkening the light.
But that sun will never truly be extinguished...
The storm cannot, and will not, rage forever.

Step 2: Tear down those rules!!! :D

Ah, yes. Ed's rules. It has...alot of them. And God forbid you ever disobey them. On pain of death, would I go against them...but Ed, in keeping with its malicious, sly, devious nature, is quite adept at essentially romanticizing, idealizing these rules so that they become fixed in your head as proper, indisputable, and entirely acceptable. Oh, you say I can't have a scone? Oh, well, ok...I suppose you are right. It would be entirely wrong of you, em, to eat a scone with your hot choc...and it will make you gain weight, and it will that, if you eat that single scone with your hot choc, then your resistance will be broken, and you won't be able to stop eating scones. So NO!! you are not allowed a scone...

But you know what, Ed?? I have had enough of living by your rules.

It's time to break those rules and make my own ones, essentially: to start a revolution, to rebel against the Voice that is trying to tie us down with its manipulative, twisted, corruptive,  lies.

And so for my post today, I thought I would gather together all of Ed's rules; get them out onto paper, so that they're there, exposed, out in the open - vulnerable. It didnt take me too long to come up with them. Because after all, I know them all too well, I guess...

• You always have to leave something on your bowl/plate/mug.
• You cannot say you are hungry or phrases such as "that looks nice" etc.
• You always have to pick bits off food.
• You always have to spread food around your plate and take tiny mouthfuls.
• You are allowed a teaspoon of peanut butter maximum on toast/bread etc.
• You are not allowed to buy yourself any kind of food when you are on your own in Dublin.
• If you have hot choc mid-morning, you are only allowed cereal or toast for breakfast, not both.
• You are only allowed to put a tiny amount of filling in your sandwiches/rolls at lunch, and if you have more that that then you must compensate later on.
• You cannot have any snacks with your hot choc except maybe (maybe? like, that's a big maybe) a few nuts, or a tiny piece of bread, etc..no scones, biscuits, etc.
• It's impossible for you to follow your meal plan anymore. You have to leave out at least one thing...and the more you do not have, the better.

But now it's time to break those rules!!!!

It's EM vs ED!!!

Emmy's OWN rules...

• Clean my bowl, mug and plate
• If I feel hungry then I can say so - that's perfectly normal!!!
• Don't pick off bits of food - what's the need for that? Unless you've cremated your toast Em there's no need!!
• I don't need to spread out my food, or take tiny mouthfuls. Just eat at speed which is comfortable for me, but not painfully slow.
• I can have as much pb as I like...so in order to break this rule I am going to try and eat 1 and a half tsp of peanut bbutter as a starter, and then increase it a little more if I feel like it, until I feel comfortable in eating as much as I like without guilt.
• I can buy stuff out for myself..if I fancy a hot choc from Butlers when Im walking by then I can go in and get one and enjoy it. (this is a big challenge for me to do - I love going for hot choc with a friend but up till now I would never dream of going in alone and getting one for myself!!)
• Of course I can have hot choc after cereal and toast - thats part of my meal plan and I can do it
• I will put a nice amount of filling in my sandwiches - protein is important for me to have. This is something which I have been managing well over the past few days as Mam has been helping me make lunch  - now all I need to do is prove that I can do it alone too.
• I can have a good snack with my hot choc and I am going to vary my snacks depending on what I feel like.
• And I CAN follow my meal plan. It's what my body needs and what I want to do.

Feeling motivated!!!! :) <3 xxxx

So hence begins our (because i want YOU to join me, too <3 ) battle...

Our battle to tear down ED's rules...<3 xxxx

It's time to kick those habits in the butt!!!! ;)

Haha I know this is a rather stupid name for ablog post, but...well I couldn't think of one more apt!! :o

Because this is something that we ALL have to do, that I have to do...that being, of course, to kick the ED habits and behaviours right in the butt and out of our lives.

ED habits and behaviours may be small, or big. They might be quite explicit, or barely noticeable at all. But none of them are at all helpful to recovery, in any way whatsoever, and only help to contriubite to the vicious cycle of the eating disorder. Once you get stuck into a habit, whatever it may be, it is very, very difficult to break it again and a behaviour or action which at one time might have seemed abnormal and odd becomes a daily practice, almost like a ritual. You feel compelled to skip your 11 o clock snack... as that, the Voice in your head tells you, is what you have been doing for the past three days, or so... so why not do it again???

Anyway, it is vital in recovery to step out of your comfort zone and face all of your fears...yes, even your biggest nightmares and anxieties have to be confronted, faced head on. And this includes working on all those habits and compulsive behaviours.

Now I know my method might be a little bit silly, but hey, I'm going to give it a try anyway...yesterday I made a list of all the ED habits which I myself know I practice on a very regular basis (some of them, every day). And, week by week, I am going to take a small number of these behaviours ( my key worker suggested five a week which I think is manageable!!) and focus on trying to refrain from engaging in this particular behaviour for the remainder of that week. As with everything in recovery, it's always a good idea to take things one step at a time. If you try to take on too many things at once, it's easy to become overwhelmed and your anxiety levels will shoot up sky high...and you might feel so overcome with apprehension that, instead of conquering any of your fears, you end up challenging none of them!!! So take small steps, baby steps if you must...but take those steps. In keeping with the baby metaphor - that little baby learning to walk, tha'ts what recovery can be likened to sometimes, in a way. It takes him a while to get onto his feet, and when he does so he is wobbling and stumbling all over the place, and may take a few falls. But he never gives up, he never stops trying...and if he perseveres and believes in himself and refuses to give up...before he knows it, he is standing on his own too feet...he has done it, despite all the struggles and the falls and the tears, that little baby has done it. And believe it, we can do it, too. We can overcome all those struggles and bumps and trips upon the road. We can and will make it to full recovery. NO one is an exception. EVERYONE can reover...if they are willing to put enough determination and strength and perseverance into recovery, as that little baby put into his bid to walk by himself.

Anyway - to retun to my original point!!! I wrote out all my ED habits and behaviours on one big list and drew little bboxes beside them , and decorated my list in pretty colours, me being me, haha. And I selected five habits which I am going to work on this week, and then in 7 days time I plan to review my progress and see if I succeeded in omitting - or redicing, at the very least - my usage of these habits/behaviours. perhaps you could give this a try too. Sit down and think very, very hard about any ED habits or behaviours which you know, deep down, are present on your life right now. Be honest with yourself and get them onto paper.

When you successfully manage to omit or reduce your use of the habit or behaviuor, it is always a really good idea to treat or reward yourself after doing so. For example, for me, if I manage to not do any pacing for at least 5 out of the 7 days this week, I am going to reward myself by going for a little walk in Phoenix park before going into the hospital one day next week. For another habit I might treat myself to something nice, for another have a bath (awwww <3 ), etc.

Anyway, here is my own ED habit/behaviour list whcih I am going to start working on, 5 a week, starting from the top and working my way downwards.

• Not cleaning my yoghurt pot at snack/after lunch( I usualy leave a good spoonful sitting at the bottom :(
• Leaving a bit of milk/hot choc etc in the bottom of the glass/mug
• Not thanking Mam when she makes me dinner or lunch ( as I am usually afraid that if I did so she would give me more the next time)
• Not ever letting myself say things like, "that looks really yummy" "I'm hungry", even though that might bbe what I'm really thinkng
• Picking crusts off bread/toast
• Putting skimmed or semi-skimmed milk on cereal
• Having small bowls of cereal andbeing frugal with milk on it
• Feeling compleed to always have the exact precise amount of foods every day - the same amount of cereal always has to be in my bowl, the same size piece of toast/bread, the same amount of chocolate on my dessert, etc
• Picking little bits off food or pushing small bits off the edge of my plate
• Not cleaning bowl/plate or always leaving a small bit of food on it
• Pacing 
• Being a little frugal with the fillings of my sandwiches 
• Skipping snacks if my family/care team are not there to support me.

Wish me luck everyone <3 I know this is going to be tough, as some of the above I have been doing for the past 8 years, so I know this is NOT going to be easy...but I know I have to take courage and BELIEVE in myself. A dear friend once told me, that if you truly believe, you CAN do anything...nothign is impossible. So tell yourself today, that I can, and will, reach full recovery. And so take those first few baby steps, and never, everlet yourself give up. <3

Be free, like Benny...:) <3 xxx