I Can.

And so in my mind sprung a new sense of purpose; one which was as fresh and as bright as the first ebony-white snowdrop of the early spring.

And now that I've finally found it - after months of searching and sifting and digging deep inside myself - I now eagerly seek to nourish it, to let it grow. To let it spread its roots and anchor itself firmly in the ground; to let it sprout leaves and buds and drink in the sunlight's liquid gold. Ever growing and ever strengthening is what I am aiming towards now. Harsh winds may batter at the slender stems and tiny bell-like heads of this little plant that I have sown, but behind that seemingly fragile appearance lies a deep and hidden strength.

It must grow then despite the odds. Despite the harshness of its hostile exterior environment and the force of those bitter winds that seek to rip it clean from its foundation roots. Despite the cruel frosts that shackle it in white-tipped bindings; despite the cold and the wet and the rain that lashes down upon those nodding heads, soaking and saturating and weighing down each stem; forcing them to bend and bow.

Yet bow flat to the ground my flower will not do. For after every battering and every bending and every storm, the flower will straighten itself upwards again, letting the rain droplets roll off it, letting the frost's fingers melt and slip silently to the ground like the tears I have lost and now, forgotten.

I recognise now that there's been a number of different elements which have been hindering my growth for quite some time, now. And to let my snowdrop grow, I thought it past time that I recognise these elements for myself.

I find it hard to talk about the reasons why I have not "succeeded" at recovery when I should have, could have done; and that's partly why I felt the need to identify these reasons and look more closely at them. I'm trying to learn to be more gentle with myself and not to feel shame for being weaker than Ed in the past.


The Elements that have impeded my growth...

• For a very long time I always find an excuse to to "put off" a true commitment to recovery. It was always a case of I'll get through college first or I'll wait until I'm ready, or for when someone else tells me that I need to gain a bit more weight.                                                          Now, though, I have recognised that I can't afford to wait any longer. And it's no good waiting for that longed for statement that at one time I would not have beared being able to hear. I've made my own decision to gain weight. Because I know that this is the only way which I will enable my body to fully heal and recover, from all the damage, internal and external, caused by Ed.
• Wanting to please others, not wanting others to think I am being lazy/selfish/self-absorbed by seeking therapy. For a very long time this was a core belief of mine: that to do therapy was a selfish thing for me to do or alternatively, that others would think me selfish by doing so. And isn't it weird how, if someone I knew were to approach me and say they were considering seeking help, I wouldn't hesitate to urge them towards taking the necessary steps in doing so. But no. For myself, it's different. It's like I've made myself my own greatest enemy. The most important thing for so long for me has been pleasing others.
• Similarly, a great deal of it comes down to what other thinks/say about my body and appearance. So they say you look well, the Voice whispers. Well. Hmm. So if you look well now, what will they think or say if you gain any more weight? By God! You will look hideous. You will be hideous and all those people will be thinking to themselves how ugly you look. This for me has caused alot of difficulty in the past, and has reinforced my belief that I should try and maintain on the lowest possible healthy bmi.
• And alot of it came down to fear. Fear, as raw and as sharp as the most bitter of winter nights. Fear of being bloated and for my already distended stomach to "balloon up" even more than it already has. Fear of not doing exercise and having to listen to the screaming voice inside my head. But the other day I made a crucial recognition. So many of these fears are illogical.

So now I need to focus on my goals which will help me this sprouting seed to strengthen and grow.

I'm not going to settle for just leaves and shoots. Now, I want flowers. I want to grow to the very best that I can be. This time, I am determined to not allow myself to be trampled back down into the earth.

There is a feeling burning inside my heart that feels akin to that which I felt upon that day that seems so long ago, now, on that sun-soaked day in early May this year, when I left Trinity for the final time and hurried back through the streets of Dublin. The memory of that day will always stay with me, lingering at the corners of my mind like the fragrant scent of a room bedecked in flowers.

There was sunlight in my hair and on my cheeks, but not quite as bright as the beautiful flames that burned in my heartupon that particular day. I had felt, then, that I truly could conquer anything. I had got through the five years of Trinity and had sat my final exams. I had faced my biggest fears and had charged right at them, cutting through them like a prow through the grey waters of a rough sea.

So instead of saying I want to do this, I say, I can.

I can.

I can gain the final bit of weight I need.

I can beat the depression, the anxiety, the fear.

I can defy the Voice in my Head. I can recognise him what it is. A thieving, cheating, manipulative liar.

I can go to England and try out my new job. And if it doesn't work out, I can make the mature decision that it's not for me, and look for something else.

I can be the person that I want to be.

I can beat anorexia.               
     


Since my last post, I've been putting into place a few alterations to my meal plan. It's been far from easy, of course - needless to say, I feel as if my head at present is the site of a very violent shouting match between Ed and Me. But. I've actually been coping relatively well.

Everytime I approach eating food, every time I feel too afraid to eat more, every time I find myself the bloating is so bad I feel as if I want to push away my plate and refuse to eat for the remainder of the day. That's when I say - often aloud - that I can do this Ed . I remind myself of what I wrote on here, the advice of my readers. And most of all. What will happen if I choose to embrace Ed.

I can do this Ed. It has become one of my many new mottos. And there's nothing you can do or say which is going to stop me, this time.

1. Let's make the milk victory a bit more of a regular thing. So I'm going to have the 125ml as a minimum from now onwards and as much cereal as I want.
2. As a general rule: the meal plan is a minimum and I can eat extra or more of anything if I can. No, cross out "if": I can eat extra of anything BECAUSE I can!!
3. I've decided to up my protein a bit more too in a way which isn't too scary💪                        Since mornings are definitely still my munchies time, it made sense to add in something extra here. So for early morning snack, instead of my usual one egg with a round of bagel and seeds, I thought I'd up this a bit more, mainly..                                                                                         - having 2 scrambled eggs, 2 poached eggs or 2 boiled eggs, or even a yummy omelette (haha well they're all yummy - I LOVE eggs!! <3                                                                                    - or having 1 egg and 1/3 can of baked beans                                                                                -- or 1 egg and half a can of sardines/mackeral. And being generous with those seeds on the bagel, as they are both yummy and nutritious.                                                                                    Sunday morning was a rare proud moment for me, when I actually made myself scrambled eggs for the first time in what felt like an age. And I REALLY enjoyed them!! I love eggs in all forms, but up till now have never had the courage to eat this particular concoction of yellow fluffy loveliness, given that, of course, it consists of two eggs rather than one. But I've done it now and proved to myself that I can, and I know that I can do it again and again and again, from now on. 
4. No more meagre bowls or portions of anything!! Having BIGGER handfuls of nuts, BIGGER bowls of cereal, and not minmising on my protein portion at lunch - just little things like that which I think will make all the difference.
5. I'm going to focus in particular, on my protein intake at lunch and dinner as this is something that, for some reason, I have always fallen down on in the past.
6. And I'm going to throw into the mix another few easy ways of getting more energy for my body. A tablespoon of wheat germ on my cereal, extra nuts, be more generous with my salad dressing, lots of nut butter, etc.
7. And last but not least, to follow my new rules which are the reverse of ED's, and more on this in my next post, in which I am going to talk about just some of Ed's many, many rules and regulations which I am now going to break. 💪💗💖

                             

Letting Go...

So here are some facts.

Some facts about Emmy Snelgrove that the world does not know, or see.

But these are the cold hard truths that press down upon my shoulders each day, as heavy and as grey as the severe, ice-capped mountain, and equally just as bleak. If not more. There is beauty in that mountain, but every inch of these facts are ugly.

I am 23 years old, though looking at me, some might think I'm alot younger.

Yet despite having the outer semblance of a girl, I have the skeleton of an old woman.

I have osteoporosis.

I don't get periods and I never have done. Sometimes,when I lie awake in the darkness of the night, watching the twilight patterns upon the creamy ceiling of my room, I wonder if I ever will. Whether my ovaries have simply given up, or have been permanently damaged through years of restriction.

And of course. I've had anorexia for 11 years. For eight of those years I was significantly underweight; for the most part of that eight, severely so. And then, for the other three. Consisted mainly of my weight bobbing up and down like a slung yo-yo upon a tight string.

So those are some facts about Emmy Snelgrove.
The facts that she doesnt want the world to see, but yet, at times, feels like screaming out loud. Especially to, well, you know. The oh you look well or healthy comments.

I'm currently maintaining between 41.8 - 42.5 kg.
Meaning that my bmi is around 17.7 to 18.

I suppose, for some people, this bmi's ok.
But I know deep down for me, it is unlikely that it is. As I type, I remember my consultant's parting words to me. On my last meeting with her, within the mental hospital's stifling grey walls.

I would advise you, young lady - given the severity of your osteoporosis and total absence of periods - that you get your bmi to above 19, preferably 20 or above.

I had smiled meekly and nodded my head. I was listening, but not to her voice. A different one inside my own head.One which, as soon as those numbers had left my doctor's mouth, had aroused itself, a restless wraith awakening from a fitful sleep.

19.
19!!
Who the f*** does she think she is, Em??
Don't you worry, Em. You won't listen to her. She clearly doesn't have a clue what she's talking about. 

There's no way on this earth you are going to let yourself gain until you get a bmi of 19...
And 20?? You'd rather die, right.

And I had listened, and agreed.
With Ed, that is. Not with my consultant, with her many, many years of experience and knowledge, working with and treating those with eating disorders.

A couple of years later, and here I am.
Wishing, once again, that I had chosen to listen to someone else; and not the ever-spouting wisdom of ED.

But. At least now I have the strength to say I can get beyond the minimum healthy bmi, if I choose to.

I know I can do it. If I just let myself do so. It's just the letting - the letting go - part. It's just - so bloody - hard.

For me, the fear of letting go now is akin to that I would feel if I were hanging off the edge of a cliff face overlooking the sea: under which, raging waters churn and roar, more fearsome than a wild beast.

My fingers are latched in a white knucked grip to this cliff edge to which I've  been attached to for as long as I can remember. And yet despite the fact that this hostile crag has torn me and broken me countless times, I still have this fear of letting go. The sea below is so dark and terrifying, as unknown and as frightening as the blackest abyss at the furthermost corner of space.

But somehow -

sometime -

I need to realise that it's long past time, to let go.



And so this is the meal plan that I've been studiously following, ever since I got back from Spain in late July.

Your thoughts. What do you think about it? It's true to say I like this particular eating schedule very much - the variety of foods, the frequency of the times that I eat, the inclusion of all the foods which I love and the exclusion of those that I don't. But it is enough to gain the final bit of weight that I need?

Given my current lifestyle, I don't think so.
I walk twice a day with my doggies and go for the odd cycle sometimes down to the local village. I don't sit around. I'm a busy girly. So I guess this is why I am maintaining on this instead of gaining.

Breakfast

1. 100 ml milk + cereal (usually Weetabix or ready-brek)
2. 1 slice spelt/wholemeal toast + spread
3. 30 g cheddar cheese
4. 2 tbsp peanut butter

Morning snacks

1. Half a multigrain/wholemeal bagel + spread
2. 1 egg, boiled or poached
3. Handfuls of sunflower seeds (I dont really measure them)
4. 30 g mixed nuts
5. Milky hot chocolate.

Lunch

1. Chicken/tuna mayo salad with spinach, vegetables, tomatoes, roasted peppers and dressing.
2. Banana/apple/melon

Afternoon snacks

1. Cereal + 50-75 ml hot milk
2. toasted crumpet + spread + 1 tbsp peanut butter.

Dinner

1. Main course: varies depending on what we cook but it's usually the basic protein + carb + veggies
2. My all-time favourite dessert: chopped banana, lots of hot custard, and a bar's worth of chocolate on top with the odd cadbury's chocolate finger or whatever's going begging.

Bedtime

1. Milky hot chocolate.

I have a few ideas of what I could do to make it better; if you have any, please do feel free to share them here. Hearing the advice of my readers really has helped me so, so much in the past and continues to do so, every day.💗

But for now, I'm going to sign off, and focus on what I have to do. The thing I want more than anything else in the world, but yet of which the mere thought of strikes real fear into my heart like a knife blade been thrust through flesh.

Letting go. One of the hardest, most painful parts of recovery. But let go, I will and must.

I have to face the pain and the fear now, or spend a lifetime having to cope with a different pain; the pain of regret.

The regret of knowing that I could have changed things, but chose once again to hold on, and put off.

But now it's time to let go.

Let go I can, and must.

Meal Plan Musings!!! ;) xxx

And so finally here is my meal plan post... I am so sorry for the lateness in this; unfortunately, with college as it is, I only have time to blog once a week at the moment😡

I wanted to share with you a few things in this post. Firstly, my new meal plan with the increases I added in this week. My weight's been going ok, but I decided to increase the plan again for a number of reasons..

1. I know that the more I eat the better AND I actually feel ready now to add these increases. I wouldn't say my body has fully adapted, yet - I still struggle alot with bloating and fullness - but it's not unbearable and I feel mentally strong enough to increase my intake once more.
2. I want to give my body, health, and metabolism 101 % chance of repairing itself. And in order to do this I think an increased amount of calories is going to contribute significantly to this process.
3. Being at college, I am still moving around a good bit; so accordingly it would be good to get in some extra calories in order to compensate for this.

One of my readers asked for some advice re meal plans. Having been recovering alone for a couple of years now since leaving Pat's, I could really relate to my reader's situation - it's can be really overwhelming when you are on your own and trying to devise your own meal plan; even more overwhelming, of course, to have to accept that, when recovering from anorexia, it is both normal and necessary to have to eat much more than you might be comfortable with. 

So I really hope that this post helps anyone who might be about to embark upon that journey; who has decided to commit to this difficult task. But please believe me when I say it will be worth it. But it has to be you who wants to do this. You have to want to follow this through for yourself. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a fall.

I learnt this the hard way. It's true. The past few years, since I started to recover...there was no wanting on my part. I didn't want it for myself and spent most of my time thinking how pointless it all was.

Small wonder then why it was never long why formerly blade-sharp determination very quickly became blunted, losing its edge and keeness. Small wonder then that the motivation which would at first sing in my blood very swiftly broke apart in my veins.

It's only now that my mindset has changed. It's only now that I have felt the first tiny, tiny, shadow-thin fragments; fragments of what I recognise now is that wanting to do it for myself.

And so every day I fight my unseen battle. Everytime I glance downwards and feel my throat tighten as I look upon my swollen, bloated stomach. Everytime I pour my milk into the measuring jug; every time I spread my bread and toast, everytime I eat that snack, even though eating might at the time be the last thing in the whole world that I feel like doing. Everytime I do these things, and more. I am constantly, constantly reiterating that fundamental truth in my head. Letting my own voice grow stronger, overriding and superseding that malicious sneering monotone which has oppressed me for so so long.

I have to stick to my meal plan because...

If I do not my oseteoporosis will only get worse..
My metabolism will be damaged and messed up..
I will never get my periods back..
I will be giving into my anorexia, an action which will make it all too easy for the ED voice to gain full control of me again, and get me back to where I started.


But anyway let's go onto the more practical stuff about meal plans.

just a small sampling of some of my top favourite ever foods..mammy's out of this world banana and custard with MILKA OREO 😍), Lizzy's specialty hot choc and my own roasted almonds still warm from the oven....💚

Making your own meal plan: the golden rules!!😊

• Adhere to the basic structure for ED recovery meal plans: three meals, three snacks, every day, no exceptions.
• The aim is for you eventually to be eating about 2500-3000 calories a day as a minimum (but see the third point below). It's very important to do this because it allows the metabolism to recover and also, bearing in mind all the damage restriction wreaks upon the body, it gives your body the vital energy it needs to repair and heal itself, too.
• I did say this in a comment but it's ever so important so I thought I had best mention it again here!! That being..if you have been restricting severely and have been eating a very low calorie amount for a long time, then you must NOT start eating the recommended calorie amount in anorexia recovery straightaway. This can cause refeeding syndrome, which can be potentially very dangerous. Instead start off with a slightly lower amount (say, 1500) and then gradually start adding more and more in until you are eating the full amount every day.
• Don't be afraid to eat MORE than the meal plan. If you feel hungry - whether that be physical or emotional hunger - just don't overthink it, just sit down and EAT. It doesn't matter if it's more than what's written on the piece of paper!! Remember, the more the better, ALWAYS. Bear in mind that in an inpatient setting, the patient essentially has to sit around all day and still eat 2500-3000 calories..and even then the weight gain process isn't exactly what you would call rapid. So imagine how much energy your body needs if you, like me, are recovering at home and still going pottering around the house, doing chores, going to college etc. So yes. Basically - eat. Eat as much as you can, as frequently as you can manage. Some people eat 5000 cals a day in ED recovery and that is OKAY. So no matter what the voice throws at you, KNOW you are doing the right thing. That little bit extra will just make you stronger. Stronger bones, stronger heart, stronger skin and limbs. A healthy, strong body: the most precious and valuable possession you will ever have.

And also just in case anyone wanted some Snack ideas...

- Sandwiches!! Yes. They ARE such good snacks..more than good!!. My favourite has to be toasted cheese and tomato...mmmmm <3 Mix it up by using different fillings, different bread types. Spelt, wholemeal, soda bread, and seeded multigrain are all personal favourites of mine. Fillings basically can be anything you want.There's no limit to what you can stick between those slices of bread!!
- Bagels..don't get me started about bagels..I love them. But I'm afraid Im kind of unorthodox in that I have them with peanut butter. And lots of spread and a good handful of seeds to sprinkle all over them.
- Crumpets. Oh. My. GOD I cannot get enough of those yummy, spongy, yeast-risen treats. Spread with loads of butterly and a great big spolodge of peanut butter....ohhh im in heaven!! 😍
- Teacakes, hot cross buns, scones and English muffins, spread with butter and jam.
- Your favourite chocolate bar. Homemade cookies or granola bars. Make your own!! It's fun and can be really motivating - the more you eat the more you get to bake ;)
- Nuts. But make sure to have the correct amount...a GOOD handful, about 30 g (and that's a minimum!!
- Yoghurt - natural or flavoured; add stuff to it - berries, nuts, seeds, cereal; whatever you fancy!!
- A boiled egg with a sprinkling of salt and pepper ;)
- Slices of cheese on crackers (Tuc have to be the best ;) !! )
-Ice cream....go and get yourself your favourite flavour and have a good bowl with some berries or chocolate shavings..mmm..💚
- Fruit..BUT I don't really think fruit counts as a snack by itself - try to have something with it 😊
- Cereal (with or without milk...though personally i dont think you can beat cereal and hot milk...sorry i know to some that might sounds disgusting BUT I absolutely adore hot milk poured over cornflakes or weetabix 😍

But in all honesty..? ANYTHING can count as a snack, really. Like my morning snacks are meals in themselves in a way. Like this morning, I got up, had breakfast by myself at 7 while mam and dad were still in the land of Nod!! And then at 10 they had their breakfast and I had my, haha, snack if you want to call it that...we all had boiled eggs and soldiers, which for them was breakfast, but for me was basically brekkie number 2. And I actually love eating like that now!!!💪

I'm not really one for asserting that there is a certain kind of snack that you should go for, that some are better than others, blah blah blah. But if you are struggling to decide (and I can really relate to you as ED indecisiveness is something I STILL really struggle with... :( ) then I would say. a.) Go with your gut feeling (excuse the pun). Deep down, I think you will know what it is you REALLY want. and b.) Mix it up. For me for example, I wouldn't tend to have chocolate as my snack, as I always have  a bar's worth of choc on my custard and banaan after dinner, hence I don't really feel like having it at snack time. Instead, as you can see from my meal plan, my snacks consist more of carbs and proteins with a milk-based thing alongside. and c.) perhaps take into account the nutrients your body might be deficient in: if, say, you restricted a certain food group for a long time. For me, this was protein foods - something which I regret greatly now, might I add, as I'm sure that was a factor in my developing serious osteoporosis - so hence, as you can see from my own meal plan, I try to add in some form of protein into each of my snack times.

And so here is my own meal plan!! Now I haven't added in the calorie amounts, as I don't want to trigger anyone with all those numbers - and to be honest, I'm genuinely not too fussed about the whole calorie counting thing. It's one thing that I never really have had any issues with. I couldn't honestly tell you how many calories are in 30 g of cheese without looking at the packet...and that's the way I intend it to remain. Afew weeks ago, though, I actually forced myself to carry out the altogether tedious task of sitting down and working out for myself how much my meal plan actually amounted to. Solely for the purpose of just making sure I was eating to the minimums.

Now I know that my meal plan will definitely not be for everyone and I don't want anyone to think that this is the "ideal plan" (whatever that is). But this is what I love to eat and what I think if working for me. It's loosely based on my old inpatient meal plan with my own little adjustments..the most obvious probably being that I don't take energy drinks anymore..don't get me wrong, Fortisip are great and if you like them they can be a great addition to the plan. It's just for me I was never that keen on them - they bring me right back to my inpatient days - and I can't really afford them either. But anyway...I don't think milky hot choc is a bad substitute at all 😍

A. Breakfast: 7.00 – 8.00.

1. Approx 125 ml milk + cereal (2 weetabix/2 shredded wheat/bitesize shredded wheat/shereddies/malt wheats/wheat flakes/muesli/granola/corn flakes/ready-brek/porridge etc etc etc.

2. Banana/melon/strawberries/blueberries.

3. 2 tbsp or more of peanut/cashew/almond butter.

4. X 2 wholemeal, seeded ormultigrain toast/soda bread/oat bread/spelt bread/multigrain bagel + spread ;

5. 30 g cheese/ 50g smoked salmon/boiled egg. Sometimes I stick the cheese in the toast and have that yummy toasted sandwich I was blahhing on about above.

B. Morning Snack(s ;) ): 9.00 – 12.30.

1. Soft or hard-boiled egg/30 g cheese/40 g tuna mayo/50 g smoked salmon/30 g hummus/poached egg/small cheese and onion or spinach omelette/scrambled eggs

2. ½ multigrain bagel/1 slice wholemeal, seeded or multigrain toast/soda bread/oat bread/spelt bread + spread;

3. Handful sunflower/pumpkin seeds

4. Milky hot choc/Miller Rice/Rice pudding/ hot milk with cereal

5. 30-40 g mixed nuts ;)

C. Lunch: 13.00-14.00.

Stuffed tomato, mushroom or pepper with 60 g tuna mayo/egg mayo mix/cheese + salad + dressing + cold potatoes, couscous, or rice

Or Soup (butternut/chicken and veg/tomato + cannellini bean/red lentil etc etc etc.) + salad and protein/roll/bread ;

Or Omelette + salad/vegetables ;

Or Frittata + salad/vegetables ;

Or Tuna mayo/egg mayo/ chicken salad with couscous/cold potatoes

Or Baked potato + baked beans/tuna mayo/cheese + salad

Or Pitta bread/Wrap + fillings

Or Boiled/poached eggs + salad/toast or both

Or Baked beans+ salad/toast or both

Or couscous/rice with chicken/cheese + salad

D. Afternoon Snack: 16.15-17.45.

1. Milky hot choc/miller rice/rice pudding/hot milk with cereals

2. Crumpet, spread + 1 tbsp peanut butter/scone + spread

     E.   Dinner 

1. Main course - varies depending on waht I/mam cook but its usually the basic protein + crabs + veggies.  
2. And then, of course...the most heavenly desset on EARTH (in my opinion!! ;) ) : a big banana, lashings of custard, and tonnes of divine chocolate, all melting and molten on top....😍

    F. Bedtime

    Milky hot choc 💛

I really hope that this has been of some help to anyone who is struggling...please do comment below if you have any other questions or require further advice 💚

                                     

This time, it has to be different...

Reflecting upon the first blog post that I made earlier this month, i realised that what had happened to me over the later part of 2016 stands as the fourth time that I had slipped into a"relapsed" state since I started my degree at Trinity. Each one of these relapses has been marked by a return to college and a resumption of restrictive behaviour patterns; and a consequent drop in my motivation, mood, and then of course the weight.

Each of them followed what I suppose can be viewed as being a "good" period in terms of my illness - being at home, during the summer, with Mam there to keep an eye on me; with no outward pressures of essays and assignments or of just fitting in at Trinity. I say good, but really, I know it has never been exactly...ideal. My weight has dipped and gone up again more times than I care to remember; but my mind, I know, has remained entrapped, all that while, in a state of static, unchanging bondage. My weight was always changing, but my mind remained the same.

 And though this year's relapse was certainly no way near as bad as previous ones, I'm aware, all too aware, that if it had not been for Mam keeping an eye on me; and for the fear of the weekly weigh ins starting again, then things might well have gone a whole lot worse. But, as it happened, me and Mam seemed to "nip it in the bud" just in time: allowing me to tentatively tread back onto that path again; a path I have been treading now, for over two years which have fleeted by like darting dragonflies.

But I mean, I know it is wrong; that it is because of other people that my relapse was not as severe as it could have been. And it is just another testifier to the extent that I am no way near recovered. As is the fact that I was feeling painfully nervous at the thought of going out last saturday night to the restaurant down in Emo. It was mam's birthday and everyone else was looking forward to the evening; everyone, that is, except for me. The only feelings that I had was fear and desperate anxiety; alongside the enormous and crippling guilt that, on Mam's special evening, all I could think about was my own terror.

 Everyone else's exchanges about what to wear and what they were going to order that night floated above my head like little wispy clouds - so distant, so picture-perfect, so far, far removed, from me. How I would love to be able to chat excitedly about going out for a meal like that.

And I wonder, if..
if I ever really will.

Because I said last year that this time would be different.
But yet, ED lingered, and I remained the same.

Every time we went out for dinner in Mallorca,

I never enjoyed a single moment of it.

Now all I can remember of those nights was the fear, the anxiety.

ED took away memories I should have made with those that I love.

Last Saturday night I sat with my sister and her boyfriend who had come down to stay with us for the weekend of Mam's birthday. We chatted and chatted long into the night; about a variety of things, really, including my eating disorder and countless phases of weight gain, then relapse.

Seeing them go the next day was enough to break my heart, as I know it might be some time before I see them again; though I know one thing that will remain with me today is all that we spoke of that night.

It;s me, and only me, who has the power to save myself.

Others can advise you and motivate you and guide you gently back onto the right path. But ultimately it is you who has to fight this battle. No one else can do it for you. The power, the determination, the strength and the defiance in the face of what might be the most harshest of odds. It has to come from you. You have to become your own soldier,because at the end of the day, it is your life which is at stake here. Your life, your body, your health and your future.

"Postponing" real recovery till after I have finished college is more or less pointless. Because when college is over my eating disorder will simply seek out another "reason" to put off what I have to do for another day or week or month or year. The time is now and anyway, I am more than aware that, for me, time is running out.



And so.

Here is a question for you, Em, I said to myself as I sat at the table with my fingers resting poised upon the laptop keys. What's to stop this time round from just being merely a repeat of your last failed attempt to beat this sh** once and for all??




It's blind faith. Like stumbling through a tunnel. A tunnel that winds and winds in endless spirals and disorientating loops; a tunnel lined with sharp stones which cut and shed blood. A tunnel which seems like it has no end; only a beginning, a beginning which leads back to a place in which you have stood for so many days, months , years - looking in. Looking in, yet too afraid to step forwards now and embark into that yawning chasm of darkness.

There was familiarity there, at the place before the tunnel. Comforting, safe familiarity. A familiarity as cold and as final as death.

Because that's exactly what that place was.

And like all things, that tunnel has a beginning, and an end. An end which might seem like the glistening moon of a clear night sky: so beautiful, so distant, so impossibly out of reach.

But there was someone who dreamt of reaching that moon. And he stopped at nothing till he had achieved that dream.

A beginning, and an end. I do not have much, but, I have a beginning, and a dream.

This time it has to be different...

And so this is where I begin.

• Continue to follow my meal plan to the letter, and consider increasing it even more if I feel that I am ready to do so. I've already made a couple of increases over the past few weeks; both of which were hard to make, but..I did it. And now I know I have to Stick to my meal plan, every hour of every day, and allow myself to eat MORE than this when I can!!
• Now, this second thing...is going to be one of the hardest. That being to reduce exercise and physical activity while regaining the weight.                                                                                   Just to explain: during my last relapse-recovery, I continued to walk and cycle every day. I'm not going to make speculations about how and why this happened as to be quite honest I don't know enough about all the sciency stuff and I don't want to mislead anyone. But I knew deep down that I really, shouldn't have been doing it - or at least, not quite as much as I was. My biggest difficulty is that I love it; both walking  my beloved Benny (and now Daisy) and riding my bike through the sweet countryside are two things which give me so much pleasure; especially at this time of the year, on those crystal-clear days; when the leaves are crisp beneath the feet and the sun slips through the sky like a rosy pebble drifting through the still blue waters of a lagoon.  They give me so much joy.                                                                                    But it's true to say that I do feel "compelled " to do it sometimes, even if I don't really have much time on my hands, or if the weather is more than disagreeable, or, in the past, if I had a foot injury - I would still do it. And that, I know, is because of my eating disorder, and its constant and relentless drive to make me burn as much calories as possible.I would find myself prioritising going for my walk over many other things; and that, if I did not do it, I know my anxiety levels would go through the roof. But at the same time...I know it is something that, deep down, I know that I need to do, and that I would benefit enormously from if I were to. But more on this in my next blog post. 
• This past year, just as I did in 2015, I restored my weight (to a minimally acceptable bmi) only to then immediately start to restrict again by consciously reducing my food intake. Both of these times, I was led to believe by my eating disorder that  my metabolism was damaged and that hence I would continue to gain weight on reaching my "target weight" if I did not revert back to restrictive amounts. And so. This time. This time I have to be wiser, smarter. Smarter than Ed. Stronger than the Voice. And on reaching that weight target I know that time time I have to keep on fighting , fighting harder than ever. It's true to say that that is quite possibly the hardest part of the path leading up that mountain; the darkest section of the long, winding tunnel. Because I know, this time, I have to continue eating, continue nourishing, continue to fight and allow my body to find its healthy set point. I don't know what this is and that in itself is terrifying. But I know, ultimately, this is what I have to do. Or I will never be able to improve my osteoporosis; or properly repair the damage that 11 years of anorexia has reaped upon my body.
• And finally, a few other practical things which I believe will help me to make this year different. These include writing a book of which I have been deliberating for some time(more on that later) and continue to blog (which I knowwill greatly assist me in keeping and staying on track through my sharing of progress with my readers - and , most importantly of all,the continuous love, support, encouragement and motivation my amazing readers they share with me every day. <3 xxxx
• And then..what I am hoping to do next year: a year out, in which I might try and get a little job, but also to set aside the time and energy that the hardest part of recovery - that being, of course, the mental part - requires. I would really like to be able to attend proper counselling and get my mind to the right place.

Together...

let's make 2017

the year that we make the Change. <3 xxx

Back to Basics...

The swallows flit across an lilac-peach sky.

The sunlight slants through a canopy of leaves the colour of candlelight.

Flowers fall and blossoms wilt. The branches of the slender-limbed hazel shudder gently in a chill breeze which cuts into the flesh like a knife.

The rowan and the hawthorn hold aloft their garlands of deep scarlet berries. Some of the berries lie crushed upon the face of the earth, shining wetly like droplets of fresh blood.

And though the whole world changed around me,
I still...
remained ...
the same.

It's been a while since I last wrote. Not out of choice, of course; I would never willingly just abandon my blog and cease my weekly writings. But that week two months ago, there was a sense of change in the air; hanging heavy like winter fog in front of my eyes.

And ahead of me, the new college term loomed ominously over my head like a threatening storm cloud upon a grey winter's day.

And so my Morokia notes were tenderly gathered up and put away in the depths of my wardrobe; whereas my various favourite "reading spots" - which ranged in location from the front seat of Mam's Nissan to the petal-strewn table at the rear end of the conservatory - became frequented, not with my dog-eared copies of the Wheel of Time, but with college books and endless piles of refill pad paper covered front to back in my messy, spidery handwriting. The beautiful, golden summer finally had come to an end.

And on a breezy morning in late September, I found myself standing before that familiar arch in Dublin City Centre, the wind tugging sharply at my long unadorned hair as I gazed upon the structure's stony regalness.

Back again. But I don't feel any different.

I'm still that little lost girl at the gates of Brigidine, watching all the people hurry past me, feeling; so hopelessly inadequate, stupid, inferior.

And as I walk these bustling halls and corridors, I have never felt quite so alone.

I sit in the classroom and listen to the chatter of the other students around me. But it feels to me as if I am perched upon the pinnacle of the most desolate, lonely mountain. A mountain from which I can clearly see the signs of human life below me. So close, but yet; so far.

The one companion that I know is here with me - who is waiting for me, at every corner which I turn - is Ed.

Ed was here the first day that I stepped through the Front Arch of Trinity. Ed's been here with me ever since. Sitting in a lecture hall, trying to study in the library; walking through the bustling arts block and trying to avoid every stranger's eyes. Ed is there with me, breathing down my neck. I can feel its hand upon my shoulder, turning me to where it wants me to go.

And this year, I know, is no different.



There are times when I want to be like those falling leaves...

To be blown away with the chill autumn wind, to float gently across windswept moor, to be swept into the surging river, to be carried away, forever...

But no. I know that that is my depression talking; that somewhere deep inside there is a little seed waiting for the light to shine upon it so it can grow. I need to realise that I am not a helpless case. I need to realise that I can nourish that seed, let it push itself upwards, and let it...blossom...

But how?
How do I do it??

Well. I guess it's back to basics...

To nourish myself. And to hell with getting upset about college work I cannot do. Normal reaction: I cry, I weep, I berate myself and label myself as an imbecile. And then? I don't eat properly. My head becomes clogged up with thoughts like I cannot eat that because I know I will just think and think about it excessively afterward and well you will be sitting in that lecture room for a good two hours..you must eat less to provide for that, Emmy. Cymbals, crashing in my head. What I would not give, for them to be silenced.

Ed. Yes. It's time I talked to you. I starved myself for the whole duration of my teenage years and beyond. Because of you, Ed. And now what do you do? You tell me that I need to keep on eating less. That your body no longer needs this food, because you reached a healthy weight, and -

I know it's me and only me who can fight this fight; who can defy and resist these endless, endless lies.

I know that I have to keep on fighting.

Stumbling blindly along this long and lonely road.

So I know that now I need to be open and honest and reach out for support to my loved ones and my readers. To stop avoiding the scales and face up to reality.

And to remind myself, once again...

of why I chose recovery; and why, I chose to fight.

And so this is exactly what I am going to do...

• Get back onto my meal plan, properly, with no little missed bits or exceptions.
• Check my weight once a week, no more, no less.
• Make goals and weekly challenges in my notebook as I know I still have many fears to conquer and disordered behaviours to overcome.
• Get involved with something not to do with college which I think I might enjoy..and which will enable me to meet and interact with other people..hard and scary but I know I need to get out of my comfort zone and I think too that it will help distract me from the anorexic thoughts.
• Be open and honest and seek help and support. 
• Help myself by weekly journalling and self-checks, and try to use some of the tools which I learnt in hospital, but since then have long since completely forgotten about. But it's past time to dig out those tattered sheets and put them to good use.

I know I have said this so many, many times, but...it is the ultimate truth.

Each one of us will only be given one body.

This is the one and only body we will ever ever have.

It's not like an object which you use once and then dispose of. It's not an item of clothing which can be crudely fixed if it has been broken or badly damaged. The body is resilient and will do all it can to keep you alive. But there's only so much that it can take. There's only so much restriction and deprivement of vital energy and nutrition. There's only so much overexercise and starvation and lack of essential vitamins and nutrients. Sostop putting off what you need to start doing today. Today we choose recovery. Because there might well be no tomorrow for us. Tomorrow might just be that bit too late. <3 xxx

Searching for that safe harbour...

Up and down, up and down I go; like a bobbing little sailing boat in the middle of a cold, raging sea. One minute, it feels as if I have crested a wave: next minute, i come crashing down again.

Stormy is a perfect way to describe how I feel right now. My emotions roar through me with enough strength and power, it seems, to knock me clean off my feet into the raging waters which course to either side of me.

When I feel joy, it feels so palpable  that I could almost reach the stars with my outstretched fingers if I wanted to. But when...when I feel pain...I feel as if I am being ripped apart like a piece of delicate paper. But this, I suppose, is what you call recovery. I reach a little high point; then, suddenly and horribly, am flung right back down to the earth again, landing hard upon the cold, unyielding ground. I know the drill. I have to get right back up again; wipe away the tears, dust myself off. And carry on.

I must not...
I must not lose sight...of that beautiful little light...

Yesterday, when I felt the depression-type thoughts begin to kick in - it was late at night; I had had no contact from anyone I knew; the perfect combination, in my case, for the feelings of bleakness and despair which are more or less familiar to me now - I picked up my polka dot notebook, sat down uin my little chair and had a good, long think. About...about numerous things. About the shape my recovery has taken the past few months; and what, essentially, I have to do to brighten that beautiful little light.

Many weeks have passed now, since the day when I weighed myself and realized that I was "weight restored". Nearly two months, roughly; or maybe just one and a half. How long it has been is really of little consequence. That is not going to be the subject of this blog post; but rather, what has happened, since that day.

And also before we proceed any further, just to say that it is fully intentional that I inserted the quotation marks on the final two words of my first sentence. The reason being that I felt that I needed to remind myself - andj, of course, my readers too - of the actual importance of understanding what that word means. Weight restored. Taken to refer to that state of when an individual has reached an apparently acceptable healthy body weight. But does it indicate actual healthiness? Should it be regarded as the ultimate goal of the recovering anorexic; the final milestone upon the road, upon which having arrived at they would be ale to call themselves healthy?

I answer my own question with conviction, as I am all too aware of what the truth of this subject really is. The answer uis No, it does not. Weight restored does not at all necessarily mean that youi are healthy, in either body OR mind. And I - as well as so many others, I am sure - have allowed themselves to be lured into a false sense of security, that the minimum healthy bmi range is what we should FORCE ourselves to stay at.

So yes, I know it is true that there are some individuals who do have naturally low bmis. Buit it's a rare thing, so I have read. For the vast majority of people, the low bmi range is still much too low.

Do not make the mistake and think that I, in writing this post, have successfully managed to take on this scientifically proven theory in relation to my own weight and bmi. Truth is, I have not. Rather, I know it is true - as I do many things in regard to anorexia - but one thing that my Voice most certainly excels in is convincing me that what is right and true for "most" people uis by no means applicable to me. A size 10 looks nice on any other woman, Emmy, but most certainly not on you. Its ok for everyone else to eat like that, Em, but if you do you will most certainly get fat. Most people have a healthy weight range higher than bmi of 19, Emmy, but you are an exception to that. 19 is just that bit too high for you, I think.

And so the lies go on and on. Problem is, of course, that I allow myself to believe them. And today I thought that it was about time that I sat and reflected about the extent to which my progress since reaching weight restoration stage has been controlled and affected by these lies.

Meal Plan

When I reached the target weight mam had set for me, I immediately expressed to her how worried I was about "How I should eat now." Having dedicatedly followed my meal plan for the past five months and not having ever had to worry abouit what and how to eat - all I had to do was stick to the plan; after all; there was no uncertainty; no indecision - this sudden actuality of NOT having to follow a plan anymore was, to me, more than just a little frightening. My mam calmed me down and advised me to keep on eating as I had been. "We need to make sure you maintain first," she had said. "And anyway, it is not going to do you any harm at all to gain just a bit more, Em. Your body might not have reached it's healthy set point yet." Initially, I had felt soothed by her words. Determined. Yes. Who could say, i had thought, that I was at a healthy weight yet? Whatever happened, I would not let mam down. I would continue to eat as I had been before, and we would thus see what happened.

The first two weeks afterward were easy enough. I felt motivated and my appetite was still as good as ever; I stuck to my plan just as I had bbeen since than day in February. But then, slowly but surely, my motivation began to creep away from me. Niggling doubts began to creep into my brain; doubts which were really, of course, the Voices of ED in disguise. I began to question my diet and my food intake again. Was it really right that I ate so much bread? Toast at breakfast; half a bagel with my nuts and mid morning hot chocolate; a roll at lunchtime followed by a toasted crumpet inthe afternoon. Wait, Em, the sly voice whispered. There must be a reason why the media are always slamming bread? Why do you think your mum does not eat bread anymore? I think it best that you cut down, just in case.

That was the fuirst thing that I really changed, that week. A few other little alterations happily established themselves; changes so tiny and minute that I and only I could have noticed them. The contented dipping into the peanut butter jar became more controlled and more regimented; the amount of cereal I ate uin the morning; my servings of carbs at dinner. Tiny, minute changes. But my question - to all of you now - is that should I be concerned about them? Or are these dietary changes all good and acceptable;completely normal for a weight-restored twenty two year old girl?

Weight

Me and mam both agreed that we we were going to try and move away from the scales and the weekly weigh ins on reaching my target; so the Sunday checkups were accordingly dispensed with. A massive part of me was delighted, of course. I hated those weigh ins and the feelings of anxiety and self-disgust that always accompanied them, whether I had maintained or gained that particular week. But to my surprise, when I heard mam say the long -awaited words - no more Sunday weigh ins, Em! - the sense of relief I felt was small, barely noticeable. It was mainly overruled by the strong feeling of fear that coursed through me, right then. If there are to be no more weigh ins..then how will you know if you gain more weight? What if you go over the target??

But..the thing is... I told myself that I would allow myself to get to my healthy set point, and if this meant gaining more weight, I would do it. But of course, as with so many parts of recovery, this is easier said then done. And I am afraid, so so afraid, to let go of this rigid self-control which my eating disorder imposed on me so long ago, and which, of course, still lingers with me now.

At present I am still unaware of what my weight is, still. There is one voice which is screaming at me that I must go and check it - I bet you have gained more weight!! I bet you have gone over your target, you..!  - whereas another part of me is too afraid to go and look. But I will need to know, eventually. Truth is I don't know what to expect when I step on the hated thing again.

Feelings and emotions

I would love to say that I have felt better in myself since reaching the target weight, but the reality is of course that things were never going to be that simple. And, unfortunately, having worked so hard to get to this place, my Voice is now as loud as ever before, hurling insults at me every day about how "awful" I look now that I am weight restored. And worse.

I suppose it is a measure of my own strength that I have managed, so far anyway, to not let the Voice effect me drastically and induce me to turn back to anorexic behaviors. 

But I feel...trapped, and, at times, completely devoid of hope. I want to go on, but I do not know how to. I sat and thought, and I did cry, a little, too, because I just want this to be over. I want there to be a magic button there beside me which I an reach out and press, and then I would fall asleep and wake up...and I would be...I would be recovered...

But is this an impossible dream..?

All I can do is..try to keep going..and use all that I have to try and get through the next few days, weeks, months. Years. How long am I going to feel like this? Is there no end to this pain?

How do I reach the safe harbour?

Advice Post- sticking to the plan!! :)

Today I thought I would write the first (haha, or maybe not so. It's more than likely that I have written a postof a similar kind some time in the dim and distant past. I've just written so many blogposts at this stage I guess I am beginning to lose track of them :( !! ) of my advice posts dealing with certain aspects or particular challenges of recovery. And so here are my tips, based on my own experience of what has and has not worked for me, of how to follow/get back onto following a meal plan....

• One of the hardest but most important things you can do is to tell someone about how much you are struggling.

Yes, I know what you are thinking. "I can't tell them. They will be mad. They will be upset. They won't understand why this happened." But please believe me when I say this...recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in this life. And recovery without support is a hundred times harder. It is always, always best to be as open and as honest as possible with your friends, family and support system. They can only help you if you reach out to them.
This comes from the girl who took a whole six months to finally reveal the truth to her loved ones, about how she had relapsed on returning to college and lost weight as a result. And it was one of the most difficult and painful things I ever had to do, to tell them that, yes, I had relapsed, I had lied to them, I had fallen victim to my eating disorder once again, had allowed it to take control of me. But since that day I have not looked back once. I have been doing so, so much better, now that I have Mam supporting me. Because doing it on my own did, in the end, prove to be too hard.

But there is enormous power in togetherness and it was through that crucial support and help that I was finally enabled to find my feet again; to realise that I did, after all, have that strength and courage deep inside me. the strength of a great white swan, soaring upon the storm clouds as they rage and thunder around him. the courage of the young, delicate seabird who has stretched his wings and stepped over the edge of the cliff face, trusting himself to the winds, and the strength of his own wings.

• Write up the meal plan in full and stick it somewhere where everyone can see it.

It can be the fridge, the noticeboard, the kitchen door or above the doggy's basket on the wall if you prefer. Just somewhere obvious where you and the people you are living with will constantly be able to see it.

• Buy yourself plenty of the foods which you like and enjoy.

common sense I know, but I mean, what's the point of trying to force yourself to eat things you don't like??
Take my meal plan, for example, which is basically comprised of all the foods which I love to eat. I can honestly say there is not one food item on there which I don't like..no, quite the opposite!! And this, consequently, makes it much easier for me to follow. After all, eating toast generously slathered with peanut butter, or regularly indulging in numerous mugs of Mam's hot choc is something which, to be honest, I don't really find too difficult to do at all anymore, haha. They're just too yummy to resist, and I know that by having as much of these delicious foods as I want, I am only helping my body to repair itself, and basically doing the equivalent of shaking a clenched fist in ed's stupid gaping face.

• Tell someone about what you plan to eat today/show them your food diary for the day.

this puts pressure on you to follow through with what you aim to have. And you will feel under pressure and feel some anxiety, but just remember, thisis a "good" kind of pressure, essentially, and the only way you are going to destroy that anxiety is by directly doing that thing which directly causes such feelings of agitation.

• Make things in advance if possible, to lessen the chance of being convinced by ed to skip/"conveniently forget" to have something.

I know you can't do this for everything, but it's just something which might do for a few things, particularly if you are a person like me who hates wasting food. I am most certainly one of those people (maybe a bit too much so!!) and so the general idea of this is that if I were to get something out of the freezer, say, the night before for my morning snack..and then once its out the freezer and defrosted, then you have to eat it or it will just go to waste, essentially - you get the idea. As I say, this might not work for everyone and I know it still requires a good bit of willpower to actually make the food item/get the food item out of the freezer etc for starters!!

• Bakeand make your own meals/snacks.

again might not work for everyone but if you are like me and love to bake and cook, this is great as eating more and sticking to your plan consequently means you have more excuse to bake and experiment with new things. ;)

• Develop a sound support system and get as much help and motivation as you possibly can.

If I am feeling a bit nervous or agitated about a certain meal/snack etc what I usually do is go onto my Facebook and answer one of my messages if there is any..my closest friends are aware about my efforts with the meal plan and just talking to them and knowing that they are cheering me on makes such a difference to my motivation. And if I have the camera handy and I am having something which looks as delightful as it tastes, I often can't resist sending them a wee pic..like the Lizzy hot choc I had this morning for example.. ;)

• Reintroduce things gradually, don't take it on all at once. 

Start off with the foods/meals/snacks etc which you fund the less overwhelming. Once you get back into the routine, then it's time to start challenging yourself...
For example for me, when I started eating morning snack again with a hot choc. Well, first I started off by making sure I had a full mug of hot choc, every single morning, for abut four days in a row..and then I added in a small handful of nuts to go with it. In a few days again, a hot choc and a big handful of nuts. Then...hot choc, spelt toast and peanut butter. Then half a bagel, peanut butter and hot choc. And now? Well, now I can happily say that every single morning I have not ONLy a hot choc and a snack...no, now I have a hot choc and TWO snacks instead of one. Like this morning, for example: hot choc and a good handful of salted cashews at 10.30, then half a seeded bagel + tbsp pb at about 12.15. And boy did I enjoy it. And its true, that at one time - only a few months ago, so to speak - this would have been totally unthinkable for me. Yesterday while I was rummaging through some notes in my bag I found a diary in which I had taken some notes of my daily intake during the period back in October, during the period when I had started to restrict again. And I can honestly say, I was appalled, shocked and incredulous..let me tell you, one of the first thoughts that popped into my head - a few seconds after running my eye over the words and actually comprehending just how measly my intake was back then - was...jeez, that amount would NEVER be enough for me now..I'd be starving, if I ate that little. It just all goes to show that, no matter how big, scary or impossible change may be, you CAN do it and you should never let anything or anyone stand in your way. Whether that be fear, doubt, uncertainty; the cruel taunts of ed, dragging you down and telling you that you cannot do it. You CAN resist and defy all of them. Don't let anything stand in the way of your recovery!!!!

Anyway, ahem. Once again I seem to have swayed off topic somewhat. Apologies. ;)

• Establish a little routine.

For example , on Mam's work days, I always have my hot choc and afternoon snack when she comes in from work at 5.15 . Then we sit by the fire together and talk about our days. Likewise, on Mondays when Im at college until the afternoon, I always try to meet with a friend for coffee (or again, hot choc in my case!!! ;) for coffee at 10 am. Just little changes like that make it so much easier. Always , always try to eat with others..I know this might not always be possible, but whenever it is, do. Make others aware of your routine. My afternoon snacks at the weekends is always crumpet + pb and mam is fully aware of this..then she always buys me fresh crumpets from tescos on friday afternoon and we have them toasted later on after our afternoon walk!!

I hope these are of some help to anyone who is struggling with this particular branch of recovery...which is, I suppose,one of the most important and fundamental aspects to the physical recovery from an eating disorder in terms of nutrition and weight restoration...but which, at the same time, represents one of the most difficult. But hear me now when I say: difficult does NOT mean impossible...and there is absolutely nothing that you cannot do.

You can, and will, defeat the ED Voice. <3 xxx

Oh and one final point i felt that it was important for me to make. In my last post I included my own meal plans, all of which are loosely based on my ones from hospital (but altered, of course, to suit my own schedule and food preferences!! ) Now I don't calorie count but I would estimate that they are roughly about the recommended amounts for recovery (2500 + ). I thought it important to clarify here that if you are in recovery and about to start the refeeding process, it is very important that you do not go onto a meal plan like the ones I am currently on straight away as this could cause refeeding syndrome , which can be very dangerous. Instead you need to start off on a lower amount and then gradually increase to 2500+.

The Wild Rose...

So with the soft winds came the beautiful New Spring.

A time of life and light and fertility. A time when the seed of the wild rose, having been held down by the cruel grip of winter for so, so long, is suddenly pricked into life by the warmth of the sun.

The wild is rising and the roses are wild. And so the wild seed rose, to become a flower...

A beautiful, wild rose.

And just like the wild rose, so I will embrace my new freedom, my new wildness. I will let myself grow, because I know that I can be strong. I will let myself rise up towards the light, having broken free from the the cold, icy grip of Ed.

I am no longer the helpless prisoner of Ed...

No, I will be free and wild. I will become like the wild rose.

So I made an importnat decision yesterday...I have decided that I am now ready to up the plan that bit more. Having discussed this with Mam yesterday, alongside the fact that I think I feel ready, and alot stronger, for it now, that is what I have decided to do.

Scared? You bet; I'm plain terrified if I was very honest. At the back of my head there is the Voice, screaming, screaming, screaming away like a soul in torment ; like a demon, the demon that it really is and always will be. No! You - Can - NOT!! You wil not! Greedy, lazy girl! The amount you are eating already...twice as much as normal people!! Ten times more! A hundred milions times more than what you used to eat when you were with me. You shall - not - do it...

But do it, I most certainly WILL.

Emmy is a lot stronger now, than she ever, ever was.

This evening, after a long, draining and difficult day at college, I came in, dumped my bag of dog-eared papers and dreary, odious volumes of Mary Wollstonecraft and The Faery Queene by the door of my room and went straight to my laptop with the intention of opening up Word Document. It's wasn't long before I was tapping away, a Mammy hot choc close to hand (as usual ;) ) and a determined, no-nonsense briskness to the movements of my fingers.

So I wrote up a number of potential meal plans, A, B and C. A is the one I've been following up till this point, B being the one I start off on tomorrow. And C is the next one I'll go onto if I feel I need to increase it again.

I've decided to do this for a number of reasons. Firstly, I guess it is because I feel ready to increase it now. I think my body has more or less adjusted to the meal plan at this stage; my appetite is most certainly back with a bang and I have felt alot more hungry and peckish in general.(Unfortunately, there are still a few of those bloaty, no appetite at all days - but thankfully these aren't too frequent and I've sort of learned to just take them in my stride anyway, telling myself that my body is probably still a bit confused and messed up and that, in time, this should all sort itself out!!) And yep, it's true, there have been a few days when I actually wanted to eat more than my meal plan specified. Now, being brutally honest, I wasn't quite brave enough to go and have that extra bit on these ocasions - ED won that one, unfortunately, with its loud convictions of how greedy and extravagant it would be of me, to have more than what's written on your meal plan..!! Like how could you even consider such a thing? 

What a load of tosh, Ed...

Yet another one of its countless lies. But I know better now, anyway, and I sure as hell won't make the same mistake again.

And also, another important reason I have for increasing my intake, is that I really want to keep up my walks with Benny..especially, now that spring has sprung here Ireland. and the countryside is blooming...brimming with the freshness and new growth and vitality, alive with the ssights and sounds and vibrancy of early spring.

And I know it would be so awful if I had to give up walking my beloved Benny, all because of ED, again. But I know that if I am to keep it up, I have to make sure I am eating enough: more than enough, to be precise. Therefore, I think it is all well and good that I am increasing my intake. The more energy I have, the better.

And well, anyway, one thing I definitely do know is for sure, is that...well,the more food I eat, the better really; and if I feel as if I am able and ready to eat more, there is absolutely no reason why I should not. After all, the more food I consume the more energy my body will have at its disposal to put into repairing and restoring all the damage caused through restriction.

So anyway, here are my current Meal Plans!! Plan A is what I've been on the past few weeks. Plan B is the one I am going onto next, starting from tomorrow; Plan C, will be my next step, if it comes to that - I'm going to see how the next couple of weeks go :) <3 xxx

Meal Plan A

Breakfast :7.30

·         Wholemeal or multigrain toast + 1 tsp peanut butter

·         Good bowl of cereal – 2 weetabix/cup maltwheats/shreddies etc, with 100 ml milk minimum.

Morning Snack 1: 10.00 - 12.00

·         1 snack from Snack List 1

·         Hot choc number 1 of the day (heehee more to follow!! ;) ) made with full fat milk and lots of heavenly tesco drinking chocolate powder.

Lunch 13.30 – 14.30

·         brown submarine roll/1 toasted white submarine roll/1 soft crusty roll/1 mini baguette/wholemeal bread/wholemeal toast/wholemeal bap/soda bread/baked potato, buttered, with

·         Protein filling: Ham/Turkey/Chicken/Tuna + mayp/Pink salmon/Cheddar/Soft boiled egg/Hardboiled egg + mayo/poached egg/Mozzarella/Baked beans/some kind of soup with

·         Salad: tomato/beetroot/spinach/cucumber/sweetcorn etc.with

·         A portion of fruit – apple/banana/portion strawberries/nectarine/handful cherry tomatoes/etc.

Afternoon Snack 16.30-18.00

·         Hot choc <3

·         1 snack from snack list 1

Dinner 19.45-20.30

Varies every day!! ;)

Dessert 21.00

The BEST DESSERT ON EARTH which is of course: a big chopped banana, loadssss of warm custard, followed by lots and lots of chopped chocolate (about a bar’s worth..often more though :p) scattered on top. Oh, and of late a wee chocolate biscuit has sneaked in there, too. Not that I’m complaining or anything. ;)

MILKA OREO... all melted into this divine, gooey, chooclatey bliss...ooooh I'm in heaven!! ;) 

Nighttime snack 22.00-23.00

Hot choc/Horlicks/Ovaltine. (But usually hot choc!!! ;) )

Meal Plan B

Breakfast :7.30

·         Wholemeal or multigrain toast + 2 tsp peanut butter

·         Good bowl of cereal – 2 weetabix/cup maltwheats/shreddies/ready-brek etc, with around 100-125 ml milk.

Morning Snack 1: 10.00

·         1 snack from Snack List 1

·         Hot choc made with full fat milk

Morning Snack 2 12.00

1 snack from snack list 1

Lunch 13.30 – 14.30

·         brown submarine roll/1 toasted white submarine roll/1 soft crusty roll/1 mini baguette/wholemeal bread/wholemeal toast/wholemeal bap/soda bread/baked potato, buttered, with

·         Protein filling: Ham/Turkey/Chicken/Tuna + mayo/Pink salmon/Cheddar/Soft boiled egg/Hardboiled egg + mayo/poached egg/Mozzarella/Baked beans/some kind of soup with

·         Salad: tomato/beetroot/spinach/cucumber/sweetcorn etc.with

·         A portion of fruit – apple/banana/portion strawberries/nectarine/handful cherry tomatoes/etc.

Afternoon Snack 16.30-18.00

·         Hot choc <3

·         1 snack from snack list 1

Dinner 19.45-20.30

Varies every day!! ;)

Dessert 21.00

As above!!

Nighttime snack 22.00-23.00

Hot choc/Horlicks/Ovaltine. (But usually hot choc!!! ;) )

Meal Plan C

Early Morning Snack 7.00

1 snack from snack list 1

Breakfast :8.15

·         2 slices of multigrain, spelt or wholemeal etc toast + 1 tbsp peanutbutter /1 multigrain bagel +1 tbsp peanut butter

·         Good bowl of cereal – 2 weetabix/cup maltwheats/shreddies/readybrek etc, with 100-125 ml milk minimum.

Morning Snack 1: 10.00

·         1 snack from Snack List 1

·         Hot choc made with fullfat milk

Morning Snack 2 12.00

1 snack from snack list 1

Lunch 13.30 – 14.30

·         brown submarine roll/1 toasted white submarine roll/1 soft crusty roll/1 mini baguette/wholemeal bread/wholemeal toast/wholemeal bap/soda bread/baked potato, buttered, with

·         Protein filling: Ham/Turkey/Chicken/Tuna+ mayo/Pink salmon/Cheddar/Soft boiled egg/Hardboiled egg+ mayo/poached egg/Mozzarella/Baked beans/some kind of soup with

·         Salad: tomato/beetroot/spinach/cucumber/sweetcorn etc.with

·         A portion of fruit – apple/banana/portion strawberries/nectarine/handful cherry tomatoes/etc.

Afternoon Snack 16.30-18.00

·         Hot choc <3

·         1 snack from snack list 1

Dinner 19.45-20.30

Varies every day!! ;)

Dessert 21.00

As above!!

Nighttime snack 22.00-23.00

Hot choc/Horlicks/Ovaltine. (But usually hot choc!!! ;) )

ohhh and here is my snack list if anyone is interested, haha. ;) Now I would consider these as medium snacks...again I'm going to see how it goes but if necessary I might have to bbring in Snack List 2 which consists of bigger ones. I make these pretty genrous, though. Ganache Elf does love her snackies!! ;)

• ½ bagel + spread +1 tbsp pb
• Cheesy scone + spread
• Blackberry/white/wholemeal/fruit/oat scone + spread 
• Hot cross bun + spread
• Crumpet + spread and 1tbsp pb
• Teacake + spread
• Cereal/muesli/granola bar
• Big handful (about 40g) salted/unsalted cashews and peanuts
• 1 slice of multigrain/wholemeal/spelt toast + spread and 1 tbsp pb
• Rye/soda/oat bread + 1 tbsp pb
• Cereal + milk
• Granola + milk or on its own

Oh and one more thing - if anyone has further snack inspiration/ideas PLEASE link them/sendthem on to me i would be so SO grateful!! ;) .

And I do have ideas for a Meal Plan D, haha, but I dont honestly know if I will need that (but I know I can't just assume, who knows. I was on alot of Fortisip in hospital, which I hated, and I don't plan on going back on those again as they tasted so artificial and yucky to me!! But anyway, that aside - the point Im making is is that sometimes the body needs ALOT of calories to get to where it needs to be. So we shall just have to wait and see how it goes!!! :) xxx

You are the wild rose...

Stretch out towards the light. Allow yourself to be free.