But now, my outlook has changed, significantly. And though they still do represent proud moments for me, they do seem, in a way, immaterial, after all that has happened. I was always a high achiever in my school days: any less than an A, was not good enough for me, as far as my grades and results were concerned. And I suppose this was reflected in my Leaving Cert; I had enough points to get me into any college course that I wanted. I was ecstatic, on top of the world. And there are not many occasions in the past which I can say with certainty that I felt proud...but that sunny summer day all those years ago was just one of the rare instances that I did.
But I think now I have a deeper understanding of what is the most important, in life. Exams and education and high-flying careers are all very well, of course, and to be able to achieve in these areas of your life is an accomplishment which you should be immensely proud of yourself for. But I guess, for me, I have a different perspective then I did three or four years ago. I, being the girl who always got the top marks, back in my school years: when study became my life; textbooks, my bible; exams, my sole focus. But then, that very same girl was forced to abandon her education, due to an old flame which threatened to burn and consume everything that she held dear.
And in a way, it - it, being my eating disorder, of course - had already destroyed so much that was important to me. I used to pride myself on my ability to study: sit me down with a book, any time and any place, and I would easily have absorbed the contents of said book, regardless of interruptions or noise or tiredness. But that has gone, now. ED took that away, and I don't know if I will ever be able to reclaim it, and this one single fact almost breaks my heart every single day.
Almost. I don't want it to break me, to eat away at me until there is truly nothing left. And looking back now, I have a new proudest moment. Maybe there will be more to come; I hope so. I hope that one day I will be able to stand up and say that I am proud of the fact that I reached recovery, despite the seemingly endless struggles and battles and rivers of tears. But for now, my proudest moment has to be the day I chose to fight for my recovery. It was the month just before I started to blog; when I finally, after so many years, acknowledged the reality and the truth of one of my deepest, darkest, and most well-kept of secrets; that I had an eating disorder, anorexia, to be specific, and that that same eating disorder was going to kill me, if I did not take action and fight. And since that day, nothing has ever been quite the same, between me and that Voice in my Head. I now recognise that Voice as my enemy, my greatest ever nemesis, a malign demon which has already taken so, so much from me, and which I know, will continue to do so, unless I persevere and defy it, with every last bit of courage and strength in my body.
And I still do struggle, I struggle every single day, and I have fallen so many times, and shed so many tears. But the one thing that remains with me, is the will to kill this thing and tread it to the dust: this demon which has stolen so much from me, has made me hurt my loved ones, has made me into a shadow of the girl that I once was, which makes me detest my very own body and want to abuse and misuse it again, as I once did. And I know that it is this which will drive me on through the wind and the rain and the storms. I know that I must not give up. <3 xxx
