To fight against the torrent...to emerge from the cold sea...xxx

I suppose, the onset of my negative self-talk began in earnest around the very same time when my eating disorder was in its initial stages of development. I'm not sure if my low self-esteem stemmed directly from my eating disorder, or the other way round; all I do remember is that in school, I was steadily immersing myself deeper and deeper in a destrutive sense of bitter self-loathing. I told myself that I was a useless good-for-nothgin and I honestly, hand on hheart, believed it with all my soul. I just saw myself as worthless, on the basis that I thought that I was bad...at everything. I had no talent for sports or drama or music, or any other kind of activities which my peers seemed to excel at. I was never particularly studious..I could produce a decent enough essay or do well in a test, but to do so involved an enormous and exhausting amount of effort on my part: it certainly didn't come to me naturally, and the effect of such toils usually would have the effect of shooting my stress levels sky high.

Still, I grasped desperately onto that one single thing that I had, telling myself that even if it killed me, I had to get good grades. It didn't necessarily change the way I thought about myself - I still despised everything about myself as a person:, my appearance, personality, everything from the way I conducted myself to way I would think and speak and react. These negative, self-destructive feelings leaked into the cracks being opened and filled by my eating disorder, cracks which compelled me to reach out to the hollow, numbing, cloying emptiness offered by restriction and self-depravation: which I mistook, at that time, as my sole and only lifeline.

My identity, or so I thought, was one which was based on nothingness: I saw myself as a complete and utter nobody, a minute, insignificant, dully coloured little piece of gravel, sinking in an ocean of beautiful, sparkling, but cruelly cold azure blue. And above me, on top of that gleaming water, floated all the others: sparkling diamonds and dazzling rubies, beautiful in their flawlessness, untouchable in their unblemishness. How else...how else was a girl like me - so stupid, so ugly, so pathetically and completely hopeless, in every single possible aspect of her person - going to ever have a chance of being like them? To become like them, to be...just..noticed, even, by them. I yearned desperately for everything which they seemed to have: they were so effortlessly stylish, so elegant, sophisticated and intelligent and beautiful.  But I was so, so far removed from all of that, with my boring, average school girl look, my shy and childish personality, my apparent inability to hold a conversation of interest to anyone. And then of course, there was my body -  my dumpy, plump body, as I now saw it. The only chance that you do have, the little Voice in my head whispered to me, is to become the skinny girl, the thin one. You must and will lose weight. 

And that's exactly what I did...that's how the pattern of restriction began. My school years were, for me, a balancing act in which I managed and maintained my eating disorder at a level which would not interfere with my studies; since they, or so it seemed to me, were the only two things that I had, to keep me floundering - floundering, but not sinking - in that cold, cruel, serenely harsh sea.

And then...then, I left school for Trinity. And suddenly, that one single thing which I had, was gone.

I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't study, I seemed unable to do...anything. It was gone, all gone: every last single fragrant. And my self-esteem, what was left of it...dropped like a pebble being flung from a bridge. The voices in my head, screaming became were now so loud, drowned out everything. The tiny, paper thin sraps of confidence I had, were brutally smashed and scattered , borne away on the raging torrent.

And this is how it remained...until that crucial day, when I decided that things had to change...

But it's true to say, almost a year and a half from that day, it's safe to say that my self-esteem hasn't, in all honesty, improved that much. I still strongly dislike myself as a person; I spend much of the time inwardly criticising myself and comparing myself to others, musing over how inferior I am in comparison..and this, of course, does get in the way of recovery, as more often than not, I convince myself that I am not worth it. I know I am not alone in feeling like this - low self-esteem, I am sure, is something which many sufferers of eating disorder share in common with eachother. And so, the challeneg that I face now, of course, is this...how exactly can I fix my negative self-esteem? (well I say I but I really hope some of these ideas might be of some use to you too, or maybe give you some insight, about how address your own problems. <3 xxx

• Keep up the hobbies that I love, and which make me feel good about myself...

namely, of course...baking, walking Benny <3, hiking, knitting, cooking..writing my blog, Morokia...but I also think it is time to introudice some new hobbies/pasttimes as outlined in number 2 below ;)

• Take up a new hobby or interest...Next year I really want to try out drama or dancing..as these two things I have done before and really enjoyed..and it will be a good way for me to get out there and interact with other people and maybe make new friends..
• Spend plenty of time with the people who I love and who make me feel happy and needed and loved. Also, to try to refrain from spending too much time chasing around people who aren't willing to give you their time nd are just letting you do all the running around.
• volunteering: Doing something which will improve the lives of others: I think this will be a really good way of improving my self-esteem! 
• At the times when I am feeling really low and down about myself, often the only thing that I know will make me feel better, is hearing or reading the voice of someone else. But in the past I suppose, I always let the Voice hold me back from reaching out to others..because it convinced me that if i dared to message a friend or tell a loved one how I was really feeling..well of course, they would be extremely irritated, even annoyed, at being bothered by my messages. Now, I know this might seem illogical to some...and to me, reading it now, it does seem like that to. But I know myself..at times, it is a very, very real feeling. But I think it's past time for me to stop letting that Voice bring me down; and to not hold back from reaching out if and when I need it. It's always helpful to remember in these sort of situations...how you yourself would feel, if you were in the other person's shoes. Would you feel annoyed, angered, or resentful, if a friend messaged you and asked you for help? 

• Again, I suppose, a essential approach to take when tackling low self-esteem is to use the same talking method similar to that taken with the eating disorder. Because it is, after all, in many respects, another damamging, destructive, highly manipulative voice of our very own making; and it isn't going to magically disappear of its own accord. It;s something which requires an incredible amount of wilpower and strength, in the same way as does resisting and silening the Voice of the Eating Disorder. 

Talking back to the inner voice...it's hard, I'm not going to lie; and for many of us, that voice has become so dominant in the mindset, that it becomes increasingly difficult to actually distinguish between the But I truly believe, that if you just take a moment to that it is possible to determine, whether or not that Voice is atually your own. I can tell..usually by reflecting on whether or not that whatever this voice is saying, feels "wrong". Today, for example...eating my snack at 4 o clock, toasted spelt bread and peanut butter. <3 and the crusts, Im afraid to say, i picked off. they were hard, but not by any means inedible...but at the time, I could hear a voice saying softly in my brain, they are too hard, we don't need to eat those...you need to leave room for your hot choc..just leave them. Now, I know that that was...the Voice. The Voice which is not my own.

But it requires...anger, I suppose. My close  friend, listening to me dsecriving on how at one point during the weekend, I had given in to the Voice in , looked at me honestly and said, Em, you're not angry enough with that Voice yet. You need to be, Em. Otherwise you'll keep on leting it take advantage of you, control you. Don't let it bbeat you Em! Think abbout what it's really doing to you!

I don't think I will ever be able to completely change the way I think about myself - I think it is part of my personality, my But at the same time...I know it is not healthy, to have such a low sense of self-worth, and it's just another contributing facotr to keeping me entrapped within the bubbles created by anorexia and depression. So I really hope that, this cominf new year, will see some positive and progressive changes in me which will enable me to raise my level of self-esteem a bit, which, in turn, I know will greatly aid the recovery process too.

But hand in hand in improving my self-esteem, is the equally important - and difficult - task of destroying the "skinny idenitity"...something which I will talk about a little further in my next post or the one after.. <3 xxx

Day 13: Have your struggles changed you, for better or for worse?

My battle with my eating disorder has most definitely, without a doubt, changed me, in so many more ways than one.

I suppose at the beginning, when I became sick, these changes were all extremely negative. No, more than negative: destructive, harmful changes. I used to be such a happy, carefree, vibrant girl; full of the energy and blissful exuberance of youth. I was always smiling: a real smile, not a feigned one. My positivity and cheerfulness were infectious, and I had a tonne of friends when I was at primary school, male and female alike. Likewise I was very confident. I used to love speech and drama, and attended classes for some time. Irish dancing, recorder playing, and art I also loved. I even used to play soccer with the lads at breaktime in primary school. All my friends would stand and watch, giggling away and calling out to me that boys were too rough to play with, but I would always just laugh and shake my head, and dash away after the ball, long hair trailing behind me.

But then, when Ed came into my life...that all changed.
Gone was the confidence, the positivity, the talkative, bright personality. It was as if almost every single thing about me was changed, inside and out. Iwithdrew into myself and didn't open up to a soul about what was going on inside my head. My constant laughter was replaced by silence, or tears late at night when noone could see me. There were times as well that the Voice inside my head made me become bitter and defensive. I said things that I didn't mean, hurt those who I loved and cared for, did things which I would never, ever have even dreamt of doing, at one time. If my eating disorder felt as if it had come under threat, it would force to do anything, say anything to keep me under its grip and keep my secret safe. I have always considered myself as being an honest person, but because of what my eating disorder did to me, I lied to those I loved, tricking and deceiving them about my distorted little ways.

I no longer went to drama classes; I didn't get involved in any sports or interactive activities at school. I didn't enquire as to whether there were any dancing classes or music groups in myarea either. When I wasn't at school, I spent my time on my own, usually with my head buried behind a school textbook. My life became revolved around school, study...and my eating disorder.

Along with the obvious physical changes that occurred as a result of my anorexia, there were many psychological and mental changes involved, as well - all negative ones. My mood dipped drastically whereas my anxiety levels rose in contrast. When I went to college in September 2012, my eating disorder intensified, as did my levels of depression and anxiety. At one point thoughts of suicide were never far from my mind. I felt so worthless, so stupid, so ridiculous. I hated every inch of my being.

But things have changed since then. Since I began my recovery journey, there have been many more changes, both physical and psychological. But I think, for me, the most important of these changes is that my struggle to recover has made me stronger as a person. I have come a long, long way from the girl I once was. That girl would have been absolutely terrified, at the thought of having to leave home to go into hospital for nine weeks; of having to cut out exercise, of having to face all of her fear foods and break all the ED-related habits, behaviours and rules that she had been practising for almost half of her lifetime. But yet, I persevered, and I did all of these things, and more. I fully recognise the fact that recovery is most likely the most difficult and frightening of decisions someone with an eating disorder will have to make in their lifetime - and that it requires immense courage, strength and determination to make that decision and embark upon that journey.

I think my struggles against my eating disorder have also made me more open, more aware to the needs and feelings of others. I like to think that I have always been a considerate and thoughtful young woman, but now even more so than before. I have a strong sense of empathy and compassion. I never jump to conclusions straight away, or make any kind of assumptions or judgements about a person through impression, appearance or behaviour. There are always two sides to a story and I fully recognise and appreciate that. Likewise, I do not judge people for their flaws and faults. There is no such thing as being "perfect" as a human being. Striving for perfection is both fruitless and harmful, even destructive, as I learnt to my cost. I have learnt through my struggles that they key to happiness is learning to love and accept yourself for who you are, with all of your beautiful, unique "imperfections"... <3 xxx

                                            2006, before I changed for the worse.       
                               

 By January 2007, I had already lost a good bit of weight

 Summer 2012, after the Leaving Cert: I was underwieght, but not dangerously so

Summer 2014, at my thinnest...but it was here when I began to fight back against my anorexia...

March 2015...I have struggled, and I still do struggle, against the Voice in my Head. But I am still fighting...and I have changed for the better.

Day 3: Three positive things about Yourself...

This was a difficult and challenging thing for me to write. if you had asked me to write something like this nine or ten years ago, before all my problems began, I probably would have sat there for a little while with a pen in my mouth, biting in contemplative thought, before beginning to scribble something out, perehaps somewhat sheepishly if anything, but certainly not..reluctantly. Quite a contrast to the girl who sat in front of her laptop this morning, staring at the blank page on the screen, fingers resting motionless on the keypad. 

It was true, I was very reluctant to write anything because well, I thought initially, I don't like anything about myself, in fact I hate myself. So what's the point of doing something like this. Maybe I should just skip this question...

But then I suddenly realised...

that was ED talking, not me.

Look deep inside yourself, like I did this morning...take a long, hard look, and see yourself for the person you really are. No single person on this planet is the same. Every single one of us in special and unique, in hundreds of thousands of different ways.

And recognising those differences and valuing them, does not, in any way, make you selfish or vain. You have to realise that to have healthy relationships with anyone else in your life....you have to have a healthy relationship with YOURSELF too!!!

You could probably think of a hundred different positive things about your best friend, your sister, your boyfriend, your cat. So why not...yourself? Why should you treat yourself any differently?

This is something which I am trying to teach myself, too, and which I know I must work on. because I know that recovery will be made all the more tougher, if I don;t build on my self-esteem and recognise that, no, in fact, I am not worhtless or useless or pathetic or stupid. I have been sick for nine years and I'm only just beginning to try and find my feet in life. And yes, I know, I am not a bad person. I've made countless mistakes and messed up on things hundreds of times. But does this make me a bad person? No, it does not...and I want you all to realise that, too. Making mistakes is part of being human.

Anyway, after much deliberation, I finally got round to writing down three things that I like about myself. 

1.My kind, loving personality. I like to think that for such a small person (Im only about 5 foot and I don think Im going to grow any taller ;) ) I have a big heart. And when I love, I love with all of that very heart. I am very affectionate and care deeply for those who are precious to me (whether they be animals or humans ;) . I am kind and generous in nature. I never like to hear a bad word said about anybody, and always look for the best in people. I always try to be there for those who I love.

2. My hair. I've always had very long, thick, fair hair ever since I was a little girl. I was very lucky in that even when my eating disorder was at its worst, my hair did not suffer. And now that I am much healthier than I once was, I have actually come to like my long, dark blonde locks with the fair streaks of gold in it (people have asked me if they are highlights but I always have to assure them that no, it's all natural!!). It's very thick and a pain to manage sometimes but...I don't think I would change it for the world. Until I start going grey, of course!! :p

Mammy did plaits in my hair yesterday and when I took them out today my hair was alll curly!!! :D

3. My friendly, open nature. I love talking and listening to people. Even though in my head, I have always considered myself a shy, awkward and quiet girl, over the past few months, it is almost like I have started to discover the real me. Because it's true to say, I am definitely a people person. I hate seeing anyone out on their own, and I always make a conscious effort to stay in touch with those who I care about. I don't judge people for their mistakes, their flaws. Rather, I accept them and see beyond them, to the person, the individual underneath. Noone is perfect...rather, it is all these little imperfections and flaws, all these unique traits and distinctive characteristics..they are all what makes us HUMAN. You are beautiful inside and out...don't ever forget it <3