Weekly update ;) and some goals !!

there are times when I still do feel...feel as if, I could still be doing that little bit more, in terms of my recovery.

Like that moment today when I opened the kitchen cupboard where I keep my bags of salted nuts. As I opened the door and took out the bag which I had opened this past Monday, I thought..shall I bother weighing them out..? No, I won't. I know it's about a handful.

That about. In Ed;s terms, that single word, more often that I would like can become a less than.

Part of me, of course, says to myself that I am being stupid for making a fuss about such small, minute things. But the other part of me rejects that other voice; because I guess, it's quite possible, that that voice telling me to stop being so "pernickety" might be just another mutation of the ED voice, the one which wants me to backtrack on myself and undo all the progress that I have made over the past month. Because I know all too well that these things can start off small. I was talking alot about how the relapse occurred with my close friend yesterday, and it made me realise just how totally sneaky the eating disorder just is, the way it creeps back up to you, whispering seductively in your ear the soft breathy promises that you are only being sensible. Sensible, to forget about the meal plan now, and just start to eat like everybody else does. Healthy, to totally cut out eating toast for breakfast, or to forbear from eating a snack with your hot chocolate. Perfectly acceptable,, to skip lunch every now and again, because you are just simply too busy to sit down and eat something. Ah, yes. The endless lies of Ed. And I believed every single one of them, and like the helpless butterfly being lured into the spider's web, so I became entrapped into this enmeshment of lies and secrecy and deceit.

So, yes. I think it just all comes to show, that that little voice which is telling me that I am just being silly and obsessive for dwelling on such small details, is in fact just another form of Ed, trying to lead me right back to the path of ruin once again. And i know more than anything that i cannot let that happen.

But anyway: weekly goals.:)

1.) To continue to follow Meal Plan B down to a tee.
The days when I am in my home environment I have been doing really well in sticking to my increased Meal Plan. It's the days when I am at coll which are proving to be my downfall.
In a few weeks time, this problem will more or less be obliterated in that I will be finished at coll apart from the exams and I will be at home for most of the time, but for the remaining few weeks of lectures I know I have to be astute and tackle this obstacle accordingly. I suppose this means really, making sure I am not convinced by Ed to "not bother" bringing hot choc and some soda bread and pb, AND the nuts, all in my bag to coll. Or from holding back from asking a friend to go for coffee. You are too busy to go, you don't need it, one skipped hot choc won't hurt - yep, I recognise now that that clearly is Ed, trying to sway me off track again...and I would rather go to hell and back then let him succeed.

2. Lunch.
Again, the old difficulty of making lunch when I am alone or making it for myself. When it comes to having egg or tuna mayo as a filling in a roll, say, I manage that fine because I guess, it is an exact amount which I know I need to have - 1 egg, or half a can of tuna - with a good dollop of mayonnaise. but then with cheese it's different, and cheese, is something which I adore and like to eat regularly at lunchtime. But because there's no exact amount I know I should have..this often gives Ed a chance to slip in. its as if there is an invisible hand holding that cheese knife for me, telling me that that is fine and that there's plenty enough there..but no, I know that oftentimes it is not enough. The same goes for ham and chicken too. This is something which I realy want to work on as protein is something which I know is so important for my physical recovery right now.

3.) Carbs at dinner.
Another ED habit that is proving very difficult to budge..not serving myself enough potatoes/rice/bread etc at dinner. I know the amount that I need to have and that I want to have - I just need to shout back down that Voice which whispers to me, oh, you have enough, ooh that's plenty emmy. - and give my body the fuel and energy that it needs.

4.) Bigger  snacks.;)
I am in general pretty good when it comes to my snackies..I enjoy them so much and generally I feel more hungry at snacktime then at lunch and dinner. So I am just going to ensure I keep this up, and make my snacks that wee bit more generous. Meaning, lots and lots of pb on my toast/half a bagel/crumpet etc, a good, big handful of nuts; etc etc etc.



So I guess that's enough goals for now, haha. Overall, I am doing okay. Collage is getting me down alot, and at this point I am just longing for it to all to be over, for the weight of the pressure be lifted from my shoulders, for the sadness and the shame which has enveloped my heart in a cold, tight fist to relinquish its crippling grip, so I can fly again, free as a bird. because right now, every smile that I allow to pass my lips; every ebb of joy which surges through my veins on realising I have won a victory against Ed. Each moment of happiness is interlaced with melancholy; tinged with a sadness that I cannot brush away. Like the small, but ultimately fatal first few spores of a waxing, corrupting fungus on the surface of the beautiful fruit.

But I know that all I can do is try. Try, and do my best. And I hope that soon, some day, then the rain will cease to fall and the pain will fade away.

We have the Power to Break Free... xxx

It's over two weeks now, since that crucial Sunday in late February. the Sunday which changed everything, for me. the Sunday which saw the tables turn on my eating disorder once again; the day upon which, having struggled and floundered in the dark, icy sea for so, so long, I finally achieved what I initially thought would never truly be possible; and which enabled me to firmly and decisively takes the reins of my recovery back into my own hands.

As I outlined in my post from last week, sticking to the meal plan no longer represents any major difficulty for me, now. As I mentioned before..a few months before, it was a completely and utterly different scenario altogether. And I remember it; I remember exactly the way I felt. How I would lie, on opening my eyes each morning, as the faint light of the pale new dawn would steal through my window to illuminate my room with a faint rosy glow,  and ruminate about how much I so desperately yearned to make that vital change; to eat what I knew that my body needed, to follow my meal plan; to smash the chains forged by ED and to break away from its cruel and deathly cold embrace. To reach out to my loved ones, to allow them to reach me; to let them into this cold, harsh, desolate world in which I had become so hopelessly lost.

Every smile that I would fake; was like a shard of ice breaking through my skin, slicing to the bone and causing bright red droplets of blood to ooze to the surface. Every lie that would escape my lips; was like the pain that encases your fingers and your hands on being exposed to the chillness of freezing winter air; a chillness that freezes the blood in your veins and creeps into the marrow of every bone. I'm fine, Mam. I am okay. I feel grand. I ate my lunch. I had toast and cereal before I left the house this morning. Yes, I made myself dinner. No, I don't want anything to eat. Of course I haven't lost weight. 

Lie after lie after lie. The chill had seeped from my veins into my heart. My whole body became numb with the cold, so numb, that I could no longer feel anything. It had become a way of life for me. hopelessly I allowed myself to succumb to its icy embrace, so that the cold water filled my lungs. I knew I was going to drown, but I would not, could not, find the stength to reach out.

But despite that initial pain and fear and anxiety; despite that crippling, all-consuming, overpowering sense of self-loathing, and the belief, as hard and as solid as concrete, that I truly cannot, and will not, ever be able to do it...

Did it, I did. 

and no.  There was no magic medicine or miracle pill that I had to take, in order to make me finally take that terrifying huge leap forward. No. What it took was an incredible amount of willpower, courage, and determination. And the love and support of my Mam. Thats what finally gave me the strength to pull myself out of that icy black sea; that's exactly what it took to give me the power to break through those chains. And since that day I have not looked back; not once. Following my meal plan is more or less habitual to me now. There is no longer any inner debate, on any particular day, over whether I will have my morning snack or not; whether I feel "hungry" enough to prepare and eat breakfast; whether I have "earned" a proper lunch or a scone with my hot chocolate. It's just something that I know, I absolutely have to do.

And now, I know that I have passed through the most difficult early stage of refeeding - the "bloaty", constantly full, nauseousfeeling type stage. If you are currently going through that stage right now, please, please please please - and I know I am repeating myself here. Please DO hang on in there!! I swear, it DOES get easier but you just have to stick with it. I understand all too well how hard the first stage really is. It's not just hard; its god damn fucking awful and it really, really sucks. But. You just HAVE to take a long, deep breath and say to yourself, when you feel as if you can't keep going and just want to give in right there, saying, "surely, restriction was better than this...I felt so much better when I was hungry.." NO. Snap that thought right out of your head.  You have to keep going, keep on eating as much as you can, following your meal plan and fighting, fighting the Voice in your head. And as I say..persevere, and your efforts will be rewarded. And that comes from a girl who stuggled enormously with this phase of recovery. If it wasnt for mam being there to comfort me, and perhaps for my own sense of determination. I don;t think I would have made it through. But i did AND SO CAN YOU. I can truly say it is so worth it. It's actually quite a nice feeling to get your hinger cues back  - again, a little daunting at first, but we need to welcome and embrace this sign of the bodily systems getting back to normal after having been suppressed and deprived of vital energy for so, so long.

And so on that note..its time for me to reflect on this. I'll talk abit more about this topic tomorrow, but I wanted to mention it here, and having written that wee motivation testimony above, I thought it might be good to include here in order to prove to you that ultimately, eating DOES get easier and your body does adapt to it, even begin to feel hungry, as in my case,. So much so, that I now feel ready and prepared to take the next massive step.

The decision: is it time to up my meal plan a bit more ?

I suppose this coming Sunday might be the ultimate determinant in finalising this decision. Thus far my weight has been going ok, I have gained; but I know from experience that there often comes a time when the body requires that extra bit of energy to reach its setpoint; meaning, of course, that the intake of food that it needs has to be increased once again.

Anyway..if anyone could give me any thoughts or advice on this, please do let me know, I would appreciate it so so much <3

I thought that perhaps I might write a few advice posts giving my thoughts and tips of how to cope with just some of the things I have struggled with, and overcome, so far in my recovery. Now I am not in any way saying I am an expert on any of this and please do not assume that I am - that would be a mistake! But that said, I feel as if I do have something of value to offer to others who are going through a similar struggle or experience, and I really want to reach out now and help those in any way I possibly can. <3 xxx

Now I'm a very sleepy and groggy Emmy - so it's on with the fluffy dressing gown and off to the Land of Nod with me..good night everyone, my thoughts and prayers are with you all <3 xxx

Review of Week 2...and taking the next massive leap...

So it's that time of the week again... when I review how I got on with my weekly goals and reflect on how they went, before looking toward the following week and deciding on what I am going to tackle or address next.

So, starting with Week 2's goals. (in LIST form, of course. ;)

1. ) Enough protein in rolls at lunch, and vary filling every day.

I did okay-ish with this one...it was easier this week as Mam was not working a good few of the days, and we made lunch together and I didn't have any problems then. As for variety, I alternated between fillings of ham, cheese, and tuna mayonnaise during the week, so that was all good. I did intend to have egg or salmon one of the days, though, so that will have to be done next week.

Of course three out of the four days I was on my own and I think I did alright..those days were the days I had the ham, because it was easier tio know what amount to have.. I definitely think this is something I should still keep working on though, so I am definitely going to make this my goal again this week, until I feel a bit more happier with it.

2.) Continue with the cleaning of the plate/bowl until I feel as if I have made a good, substantial improvement on this ED habit.

Happy enough with this. Again, one or two nights, Mam did have to prompt me...but I'll keep on trying, and trying, and trying. I know that this habit is going to take ALOT of working on...it's been established now for as longas I can remember, but no way does that mean that it can;t be broken down.

3.) And the final goal was something which I didn't achieve last week, but which I want to talk about further now. That being, the increasing of the meal plan.

I know it's been well over two months now, since I openly acknowledged the fact that yes, ED had dealt me a hard, hard blow, this time, and that I had fallen. Fallen, into the cold, dark, razor-lined pit, the pit which many of us term as the relapse. A slippery-bottomed, steeply sided, hostile pit...which, only a few months ago, now, appeared so overwhelming, so  immensely, terribly deep. And one which was impossible to climb out of: one which I believed I would remain entrapped within, forever.

But then I realised that...no, I was wrong.

I realised then that I do have the strength to overcome this...

And even though ED will try to hold me down, keep me ensnared within this hole.

I can be stronger, we can be stronger.

Overall, it wasn't too bad a week at all...I went for Insomnia AGAIN last Wednesday, I've been blissfully munching on toasted crumpets with pb every day this weekend for my afternoon snack <3. and I've stil been trying very hard to keep up the good work at dinner, cleaning my plate and talking with my loved ones..and on Friday mam and I went walking and it was just so, so beautiful, in every single possible way. And it felt so right, to talk to Mam, and tell her some of the secrets I hide deep inside. Afterwards, I felt so much stronger, as if my strength had been renewed.

Also, the meal plan (in full) has gone onto the noticeboard in the kitchen, with little memos on it to keep me focused and motivated. So no more cheating. No more excuses. No more giving in to ED...I need to move forwards now, take the next huge, terrifiying, but ultimately crucial leap.

To be brave and strong, like my Benny... <3

Goals for Week 3...

• Increase my meal plan and follow it precisely, no exceptions.
• Continue to focus on protein at lunch, and varying the fillings too. Wednesday is my egg day!!! I boiled some on Sunday and they are not in a bowl in the fridge ready for consumption!! ;)
• The spreading of the food around the plate at dinner: something else that needs to be eradicated.

We are stronger than we think... <3 xxx

Take that, ED...you're losing! :D Review of Week 1's progress! ;)

Hi everyone!!! <3

I thought it might be a good idea for me to write little updates every week on my blog, where I can review the progress I have made over the past week, reflect on how things went, and then finally make the all-important goals for the upcoming week and think about what and how I can improve on anything which didn't go quite according to plan.

And it makes me so, so happy to say this, but this week was actually, in terms of recovery, a really, really good week - quite possibly, the best I have had since embarking upon this journey of overcoming the relapse once again. I feel that this week, I have made real and concrete progress.And on top of that, I can honestly say, I have really, enjoyed the foods that I ate this week; and there was, especially towards the latter end of the week, a good few times when I was able to penetrate through the foggy envelope of weighty sadness which sometimes seems to be so integrally part of me, and catch a glimpse of real,untainted, true happiness. Like walking in the mountains with Mam and Benny yesterday,  just as the sun was beginning to slowly slip downwards towards the western horizon, through a sky streaked with clouds of purply greys and soft, creamy hues of lavender.

The view from the top of Capard <3

And so, if you recall from my earlier post, I planned to tackle a minumm of three ED rules for each week, taking each of them in this challenging yet fairly manageable approach until each and every one of them are completely and wholly wiped out. And so, how did I fare this week with my goals?

1.) To be talkative and chatty at dinnertime....
I had made this one my priority, as over Christmas there were a good few meals at which I was unable to talk or make any kind of conversation with my loved ones, as I was just so overcome with anxiety and could not bring myself to speak a single word as a way of coping. But this week, I have tried really, really hard to dispense with this: and thankfully, I succeeded. I did my bbest to ignore the anxiety and the constant, cruel taunts of ED in my head during the meal, and focus instead on talking and listening to my family, asking them how their days wen, offering my views on the film we watched over the weekend, and anything else that really popped into my head at the time. Now all I need to do is keep this up. Some of the meals were more challenging than others, its true to say, but I just kept on telling myself, this is my goal I can and will do this..an I got through them all, and consequently afterwards, felt so much better in myself.
yesterday, during our walk, I opened up to Mam about how I had been making ED goals and explained how I had been trying very hard to be talkative at mealtimes this week as my top goal. Mam had smiled and squeezed my hand and had told me that yes, she had noticed and she thought I had done very well, gently encouraging me to keep up the good work and to persist in my steadfastness against the Voice. Her words meant the world to me, and made me feel as if I really had achieved something, and had made all my hard work worthwhile.

2.) To Ensure I have enough of the protein filling at lunchtime.
This one, I got on okayish, with, but I still think there is room for a little bit of improvement, though, when it comes to making lunch for myself. When Mam is around, it's fine as we would make the lunch together in the kitchen (lunch eing, usually in my house, consisting of rolls or baguettes or bread, which could be filled with whatever happens to be lurking in the fridge, whether that be boiled eggs chopped up with a dollop of mayo, tuna out the tin mixed with some canned sweetcorn, sliced ham or the leftovers of the chicken from the other night, and then of course lots of yummy vegetables like tomatoes or beetroot and so forth. ). And the past few weeks I have happily let Mam make my own one, and then that's fine: I eat it, I enjoy it, and I know that I am getting plenty enough, as Mam's sandwiches are always prper sandwiches and don't cut corners when it comes to fillings. But its when I make it myself..thats the thing I need to address, here. And this week, when I was making my lunch, I did try to stop and think: is that enough? What would Mam think? Is that an accetable amount?
So I did alright, but, I still dont think I was completely successful in this, either. Not as much as I wanted to be. The days mam was working when I made lunch alone, it's true to say that i certainly did put more cheese in then a few measly scraps, as i used to do. but still..was it enough?!! I guess its sort of hard for me, especially with cheese...what exactly IS enough? :( Any thoughts/advice on this would very much be appreciated <3

3.) Cleaning of plate and bbowl at dinner...
cleanng of my dessert bowl , I seem to have knocked this one on the head for good, Im pleased to say -compare this to about afew month ago, when the habit of leaving alot of custard and chooclate in my bowl was firmly established. I didn't fare too badly with the plate either: no prompting required this week to "eat that fish up emmy!" etc :D ! but as with the other goals, I know that I need to maintain this and not just let the good habit slip after only spending a week working on it.

And also, on top of all of that, I had a number of other ED victories which have served to further strengthen my resolve and contribute to my newfound sense of control over ED. These included having an Insomnia on Thursday, despite ED's efforts to try and convince me not to treat myself, as outlined in my previous post ;) . Also, on Friday evening, Mam made  a very creamy smoked haddock risotto for dinner, which at first, when I realised earlier that was what she was going to be making, did cause the ED voice to start playing up in my head (I am not a fan of smoked fish at all, and I knew that there was a good bit of cream in the recipe, as well as butter. So unsurprisingly, ED was trying to make me very anxious. Which I was...at first. But by the time dinner came round...I actually felt pretty calm, in control, of my own self. And you know what? I managed it very well AND I still spoke and chatted away at the table!! AND I ate it all! Yay! Take that, Ed, you loser... POW!
and also, last but certainly not least...
Ganache Elf has found a new snack to have with her afternoon hot choc...something which I have never had efore until friday afternoon..but which I can honestly say I have fallen head over heels in love with now ;) that being.. toasted crumpets!! <3

Yes yes YES... here is my absolutely scrumptious afternoon snack from Friday (and I had the same for yesterday's as well!!) - a lovely hot crumpet, toasted and buttered and, err, peanut buttered by Mam (thank you Mam <3 ), accompanied, of course, by my usual afternoon hot choc. Oh my goodness - noone ever told me just how gorgeous these things are..I have been so missing out BIGTIME up till this point in my life! :p One things for sure, I think these will definitely be a regular addition to Mammy's shopping trolley now...or perhaps I should invest in some crumpet rings and endeavour to make my own!!! ;)

And so..here are my Goals for Week 2...
1.) Continue to focus on putting in enough protein in my rolls etc. at lunchtime..and also to try to vary the filling every day. I think what's best to do is write it all out in my food diary so I know exactly what I'm doing.
2.) Continue with the cleaning of the plate/bowl until I have completely mastered it, and also...
3.) And I might talk further about this in an individual post, but I think it might be time for me to try and incorporate that morning snack into my meal plan, to have with my morning hot choc...
I know that that is going to bbe hard, though, and will be a massive challenge in itself for me. But I know that I have to try.

An just one more thing before I sign off...thank you so, so much for the kind, lovely, encouraging words of support left on my last post from Friday. They all meant so so much to me and I really can't even begin to thank you enough. I feel so, so lucky to have such thoughtful, caring and supportive readers and I truly feel that if it were not for you and your continuous and compassionate imparting of advice, insight, and support, I would never have made as much progress as I have done over the past few weeks and months. Thank you so, so much. You are just all so amazing. <3 (im all tearful and emotional now!! :'( <3 xxxx

You can't put a price on what truly matters...

Hi everyone !!! <3

Yep, it's time for another one of those wee updates.. :o

I do apologise profusely for the lack of blogging since Thursday :'( bbut unfortunately, the cause of this was completely out of my hands. I have had NO INTERNET since Friday morning hence, blogging came to a standstill, sniff!! Anyway, I'm back in the land of the Connected now, so normal blogging wil resume veryyyy soon <3

And this gave me a chance, I suppose, to have a wee think myself, about how my blogging journey, and that of my recovery, was going to go on from here.

I sort of have come to realise something, though. It's something which is very hard for me to accept, and as usual, there is that little inner voice calling me a failure, that I am weak, that I am absolutely useless in every single possible way, and that I am not worth recovery...BUT...well I am going to be strong now, and resist that voice and shove it ruthlessly away. No...I am not a failure...we need to realise that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but of strength.

Ever since I left the hospital, that day back in March, my Mam, and all my loved ones, strove to urge me to seek therapy. "You will slip back, Emmy," Mam had warned me bback then. I could see the glistening of concern in those beautiful, soft green eyes. "You will slip back. If you don't get help, in order to maintain all the hard work you've done, in there. So you will be able to beat this thing for good." Eyes filled with both love, and fear. Fear that I would slip back...but back then, I had refused to believe that that was even a possibility...

My fear of being put back in Pats, will keep me from falling, Mam, I had said. i don't want to cost you anymore money.

That had always been a stickler, with me. Deep inside me, there is a vast and overwhelming sense of guilt, a guilt for what i have put my family through, of all the money I have cost them through my illness. And no matter how many times mam and dad would tell me, to stop worrying aout the money... somehow, somehow i have never, ever managed to kick that guilt away. it's still there now, as I sit writing to you....

But this weekend I realised something. That by refusing to go to therapy on the basis that it will cost mam and dad too much money, is actually not, by any means, the way I should be thinking about this.

At the moment, my motivation and determination to defeat ED have been both restored and renewed. But of course, though I hate to admit it to myself, there might come a time when things get rough again, that I might receive a buffet to the head which will send me topling over again and unable to pick myself up. And I don't want that to happen...and I know, that in order to completely and utterly change my mindset, so I really can become that happy, smiling, rosy-cheeked girlee with sunlight in her eyes and the spriteliness of a dancer in her toes...then I need to complete, the seemingly impossible task, of completely and utterly driving out every single trace of that ED...

And therapy will give me the best possible chance of doing just that.

I know that nothing else in the world will make mam and dad more happy, more proud, to see their daughter fully recovered...and that happiness and joy, and physical and mental well-being..you can't put a price on that. <3 xxx

I can do this for you Mam... <3 xxx