My Meal Plan Mission...Part 1

Sticking to the meal plan...one of the most important parts of the recovery process, and, arguably enough, also one of the most challenging. Because by doing so, your ED is literally screaming in your ear, trying to convince you that what you are doing is so wrong, essentially. That you are going against al your "rules" and "principles", that it made for you and which you adopted as your life philosophy, in a way. Sticking to you meal plan is something which requires immense willpower, strength and perseverance. But needless to say, it's a key ingredient in terms of eating disorder recovery; since many of those in recovery may have no clue whatsoever how much, when and what they should eat every day; and having a meal plan instantly solves that problem immediatly.

And this, for me, is most certainly something I have been struggling with ALOT recently. and its funny because at the beginning, I considered myself at being fairly good at keeping to it. I suppose that was because of the fact that back then I knew that I had to gain weight and I recognised just how imoportant it was for me that I did so. But now, things have become harder. My bmi has increased from 15 to 18 since I went into hospital, and now, at this new, healthier bmi, my ED voice tells me that I need to stop and start restricting again, as you have already gained weight Emmy, and you need to lose it again.

LIES.

I often wonder, how the world sees me....do they see a girl who is recovered? Do they see, do they feel the battle going on and on and on, inside my very own head?

About two weeks ago today, I was walking from the station towards the hospital, the thoughts rushing, rushing through my head; so much so that it almost felt like I was walking in an entirely different world, a world of my own making. Just me and Ed. Ed trying to tell me things, I trying desperately to ignore them, to not listen to them. What are you going to try and miss out on today, Emmy. - No, please, I don't want to miss out on anything. - You do, you know you do. Because if you stick to that meal plan, you know you will just gain more weight, and you know that you don't want that...

And then, I felt it; a sensation, that I knew all too well: a building ache in the heel of my left foot, barely noticeable at first, but intensifying with every step i took.

The last time I had had one of those "aches" in my foot, it had been my right foot, in the instep...and it had been like that for over three months; and for those three months I had hobbled from place to place like a cripple.

Why? well, looking back on it now, I had obviously sprained or injured my foot in some way, by seemingly doing nothing at all - I didn't fall, slip, twist my ankle or anything. But what i didn't realise at first back then, as I limped around trying to conceal my injury from everyone...was that, because my body was so undernourished, because I had overexercised for as long as I could remember - hammering up and down, up and down the hard tarmac roads for as long as I could manage, whether it be scorching hot, freezing cold, pouring with rain or perilously icy - because of all that, I had caused severe damage to my feet. And even when I did hurt myself, I still didn't allow it to rest.

And here I was again, now...a different foot, and a new injury in a slightly different place. I tried to keep walking, but I knew I was getting slower and slower. My usual brisk, quick-stepped little walk diminished to a dragging, heavy-footed limp. I very nearly sat down hard on the damp pavement and cried. So. After all of my efforts, after having been forced to put on weight, face my fear foods, and spend day after day cooped up like a prisoner behind the walls of a hospital, forbidden to walk or do any form of exercise...this was what I had. My body was still weak; and I had done it again -  my foot was injured, by doing absolutely nothing at all. Everything seemed so, so hopeless and pointless. Slowly the tears I had been trying to hold back leaked onto my cheeks, and I didn;t even lift a hand to wipe them away.

Guess you've won again, Ed...

But then, a few hours later, I realised what I had to do.

I rested my foot. I stayed at home for a few days folowing the incident, elevating the injured foot on a mountain of cushions with my knitting and my laptop close to hand to keep my mind busy and Ed quiet. I moved about as little as I could. By God it was not easy; for rest is something that I really really do struggle with. But I knew that my foot needed it, that I needed it. Otherwise, if I kept on clattering around at ninety miles an hour, walking and doing my usual chores, I wasn't going to get myself anywhere. I would just make my foot worse and worse.

And then, over the next few days, my foot DID improve. the swelling reduced dramatically, the aches lessened and then diminished altogether. But one thing that did not fade, was the memory of what had just happened. The realisation of just how lucky I really was.

No. I',m not recovered. And as I confessed to you at the beginning of this post, the past couple of months haven't been great for me in terms of sticking to my meal plan. But. I KNOW I have to get myself back on track. Because it's obvious that there is still work to be done, in terms of recovery and strengthening my body and bones and improving my osteoporosis. I know that if I don't stick to that meal plan, I will be as helpless and as weak as a canoe without a paddle,caught on the rushing rapids. I will be swept away and dashed against the rocks. Ed tries to tell me, that i do not need to stick to the meal plan. That I should try to lose weight again and go back to skinny, stick thin Emmy. No. I canot, I will not let this happen. I know that I have to keep on fighting, keep on nourishing my body and my bones. Then and only then will my body become stronger; only then will the severity of my osetoporsis be reduced; only then will I be able to get my periods back. I know that I have to do it. I have come too far to turn back now.

Tomorrow I will commence with my recovery chalenege!! So sorry my posts are all a bit higgley-piggedly at the moment. I also plan to write more about how I plan to fight my ED in terms of sticking to the meal plan, and share my thoughts and advice on this. I have recently received alot of advice from a very special friend of mine and I just want to take this opportunity to thank her with all my heart. <3 xxx

Súigh Síos!!!! ;)

These two words always evoke memories...memories of the little wooden chairs with the different coloured legs for each different class; the little wooden table at the very back of the room upon which rested speckled feathers; tiny broken eggshells; conkers still in their spiny outer casings, and a little sign with "Our nature Table" painted upon it in a flowy, neat script; the posters on the walls with the animals and the countries of the world, and the alphabet and times tables. Primary school, my childhood...a simpler, innocent, happy time.

Súigh síos literally means "Sit down" in Irish and when I was in school this instruction would be on the teacher's lips all of the time: when she had entered the room we would all automatically stand up from our desks, and she would bid us all to súigh síos in her delightful sing-song voice. So why, years later, do I find myself rambling on about an old childhood memory? Well, I actually do have a reason for doing so you see...for at the moment, I am constantly telling myself to suigh sios from the point of view that, in this phase of recovery, I need tro rest and sit down as much as possible. And boy, it is not easy...I wouldn't be telling you the truth if it was. But you just have to tell yourself that you can, and will, do it. And don't ever let yourself think, that you are bbeing lazt by doing what your doctor/parents/friends etc tell you, sitting down and resting all the time.

You are not being lazy. No, not in the slightest. You are being so, so strong by resting and staying sedentary. You are making yourself stronger, and the eating disorder weaker.

But please, if you are in my position and have been essentially forbidden to do any kind of exercise at the moment, whether that be light, moderate or strenuous - don't do what I did the other day; sit and cry while my mam and dad went out walking together and I ouldn't go with them. Looking back on that now, I really do want to kick myself, because, I mean...the amount of things I could have done with that time. Ok, sitting around and doing nothing really isn''t my thing, but...there's loadsssss of things one can generally do in such a situation. And so I have compiled a little list below, to give you some ideas (and if you can think of anymore or have some of your own to add, please feel free to do so ;) )

Constructive strategies and distractions.

• Writing...it's so so helpful. Write out your feelings and thoughts...it is always so, so much better to get those thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Write stories, keep a diary, or write poetry, email a friend, or even better, write a letter to one.
• Write a letter to your ED...this might sound strange, but someone once suggested this to me and I think it is such a great idea. Think about what it has taken away from you, and how much suffering it has caused you. Write this all out, and then tell your ED, right there, that it is over. 
• Write out your reasons to recover, your motivations. Think about what you will be leaving behind in moving away from your ED - the fear, the anxiety, the constant self-critical voice in your head.
• Do some research on something you have always been interested about. For me, this involved doing a project-type thing on the countries of the world as I have always been fascinated by this topic. Gather together all your information and make a collage or a scrapbook. You could do a number of these and make yourself a miniature library of your own work!
• Crossstitch and sewing - I used to loveeee doing crosstitch!! I think you can get the little sets in craft shops and the like.
• Knit and crotchet - I can't speak for crotchet as I wouldn't even know where to begin with it ;) but in regard to knitting, I think it is such a lovely way of passing the time. I find it so theraputic too and it gives you a bit iof space to be creative too - by yusing different patterns, colours, types of wool etc. Why not start making scarves and hats etc for youf freinds and family - they make awesome presents :)
• Read a book - I love reading as immersing yourself in a good book essentially means you are transferring yourself into an entirely different world. Find a good book that you have maybe always wanted to read, or which catches your interest as soon as you look at the blurb. Personally I would recommend not trying anything too heavy or depressing but each to their own as they say!
• Painting!! Here is something which I always think is so fun to do - write a load of themes/topics on little slips of paper and put them in a jar. Select a theme and use that as a starting point
• Painting by numbrs
• Scraperfoils
• Drawing 
• Colouring
• Crosswords, wordsearches, kriss kross
• Jigsaws
• Board games
• Untangling wool
• Cleaning and organising room
• Organising books and Cds into alphabetical order
• Tidying and cleaning 
• Photography: perhaps use a theme jar as desribed above. You'll surprise yourself when you take pictures. Sometimes even in the smallest, seemingly most simple things one can find great beauty.
• Write out inspiring recovery quotes or anything that is meaningful to you. Spend some time writing them on little bits of colourful paper and then maybe decorating them with little pictures of pretty colours. Stick them on your mirror or your desk or wherever you will see them, or make an inspiration board (I am planning on doing one of these very soon and when I do I will post about it to give you some inspiration! ;)
• read blogs !! Here are some ones which I follow which I love. I would recommend them with all of my heart. 

Free of an Eating Disorder

Love is Stronger than the Pressure to be Perfect

A Life Without Anorexia

How Nutella Saved My Life

Comforting strategies and distractions :)

• Cuddling a fluffy teddy
• Playing with your cat/dog
• Wearing fluffy PJs
• Drinking hot choc and dunking in biscuits <3
• Soaking your feet in hot water 
• Meditation
• Cuddling a furry friendly animal <3
• Having a really hot, long shower or bath