At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Monday, 7 December 2015
Why did I ever allow myself to think...that ED was the one who cared for me...
And you know, for once, I was able to put all the worry and upset over college aside, and just allow myself to enjoy being with my family. And to appreciate in life the things that really matter. Not to sound all sentimental, but to me now, what makes Christmas truly special, is just taking that time to perform these sweet little rituals, to just feel the presence of your loved ones around you, see the laughter and love in their eyes.
Deep inside me, embedded in one deep, hard knot of tightly-packed emotion, resides the guilt that never really leaves me, which, even at those times when I begin to feel those beautiful, sublime glimmers of joy and freedom warming the blood of my veins and making my heart feel like as if it could sing and glow, suddenly pushes itself forward, throwing the brightness into shadow, obscuring every trace of that beautiful light. It takes the form of an infinite, vast, dark cloud that engulfs that happiness and drives it away. So that my smile is always holding back the tears, so that that pure, untainted sense of joy, is always tinged with sorrow: the guilt which stems from knowing just how much I have hurt and betrayed and deceived my loved ones: my beloved family, my dear, special friends, from across the world. How could I be so selfish...why, oh why, did I prioritise obeying the Voice in my Head, over everything that I ever truly care for. How could I have put ED first; over my love for them?
And yet, they still have stood by me, as unflinchingly immovable as the rocks upon the seashore, strong and firm and unfaltering, against the fury of the tides which crash around them. And though that shore may be ever changing - that shore being the world that I know; the sea, the inexplicable forces of change at work around me and my loved ones...one truth remains the same.
I know that they will never give up on me...
I know that they will never stop caring.
And I know that I can do this, for them. They have been strong for me, for all of these long, hard, stormy years. Now it's my turn...to be strong and unfaltering and brave, for them.
Never let yourself forget, what, in this short, transitory little thing that we call life...what really matters.
Does that Voice...does that evil, malign horrible Voice in my Head, does that truly matter??
That voice which makes us starve ourselves, ceaselessly deceive our family and friends, push our bodies to the very brink of its existence, Which drives us into a state of fatigue, exhaustion: of an existence which can barely be termed as survival.
because living with that Voice, making that Voice believe that it is the thing in our lives which matters above everything else...that life, is hardly a real life at all. It is a living hell...and, more often than not, a death sentence.
Because it does hit me sometimes, just how close I got to hitting the rock bottom - how I essentially was balancing on the most narrowest of precipices; and how I only just managed to stop myself from falling. Falling, into an abyss of which there would have been no chance or hope of survival.
I want to leave that Voice behind...cast it away into the abyss; free myself from that belief that it is the Voice whick will make me happy: that it is the one who cares for me.
Yesterday afternoon, at home...the sitting room with the red wallpaper. The sound of the wind whistling softly outside. The reflection of the twinkly lights in the window beginning to become moist and foggy with the cold of the winter night. The warmth of Mam's hand around my own, as we stand together and gaze upon our beautiful, fully adorned, glistening Christmas tree, as bright and as radiant as if it had been scattered with dozen upon dozen of sparkling, radiant jewels.
This is what really matters to me...being with the people that I love.
This is where our relationship has to reach its end, Ed.
Because I no longer care for you.